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Want to tell my story

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
messedup
Posts: 7
Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2022 11:31 pm
Canada

Want to tell my story

Post by messedup »

Hi, Just found this forum.

Long story short, I (female) e-met someone new at work, felt an immediate connection (as did she, she says), she revealed that her husband of 17 yrs had just walked out on her. Over the next few weeks & months, despite living 2 hrs away, I became her primary support person. (Unlike death, not many people run in with casseroles & practical kindnesses - though it's just as difficult a loss). (I am a highly-sensitive person, 'deep' & empathic.)

One evening, relaxing after a day of working on re-doing her bedroom, mowing the lawn, etc, she mentioned that she was bi. I am married, 18 yrs, to a wonderful man who is my north star, but we've never had a passionate love affair. Being with her woke me up, as it were. She is a very touchy person, calls people babe, sweetheart, love - and I am NOT used to that, so it made me feel really good. The time we spent together made me feel good (not used to feeling anything much at 53 yrs of age). She is super, super smart, funny, honest, kind, tall & blue-eyed...

A number of months (summer & fall) went by like that. After not seeing her in person for about 6 weeks, one evening we were talking on the phone & she mentioned that she had gone on several dates. I blurted out, 'I'm jealous!' She kind of laughed & said there was nothing to be jealous of, it was just dinner, not even a kiss. I also blurted out that I thought I had fallen in love with her. She said it wasn't mutual & said she hoped we could remain close friends because I had become very important to her.

The next time I saw her in person (was in her city for an appointment) I thought it would be really awkward but she was as warm & welcoming as always, bringing me in for the long, tight hug she always gave.

About a month later we were catching up on the phone & she mentioned she was tired because she had been out late, on a date, the previous evening. It was some guy she met online: they "watched basketball & then sex".

I had this panic-like attack, couldn't really speak, just sputtered a bit & eventually said something to the effect of the guy not deserving of this - he wasn't the one who picked up the pieces but he got the reward. (Something like that.)

The next morning I sat down to write an apology email, but saw she had sent me on. She apologized for not being more sensitive about what she told me, but for the first time, felt judged by me, felt my intensity, questioned if our relationship was healthy, mentioned she was a grown woman and could do what she wanted with her body. Ended by saying she wanted us to communicate only by email for a while.

We went back & forth by email a few days, with me trying to explain my reaction - that as an HSP & a perfectionist, this really rattled me - shocked me in a way. I was still 'there', empathically, picking up the pieces, watching over her healing - & she here she had leaped so far ahead & I hadn't even been aware. It made me doubt how much I meant to her, made me second-guess my own perceptions & concepts. If I didn't know that, what else had I misperceived? Here I was, congratulating myself on having found a wonderful friend but I was obviously out of the loop & so what kind of friendship was it? Mostly one-sided? Mostly in my head?

Anyhow, we got that some of that sorted, but it changed our relationship. It feels like she is not as open / herself (I understand her caution), BUT in the meantime, I now have this thing looping in my brain very badly, wondering how she is, what she's doing, feeling extremely jealous that she may be out with some person in a romantic way. I've had limerent experiences before so I know what this has become: full-on addiction.

I don't want to be addicted to her - I want to be mature & accept the friendship she can give me, I don't want to be jealous. But I want / wanted that with her. I want/wanted us to mutually fall in love - that would be amazing, would fit the storyline so well. I think about it ALL THE TIME.

I'm trying mindfulness, meditation, journaling, exploring my childhood trauma & attachment (ambivalent), patterns, but still, my heart really hurts. I have this hunger, this longing to be loved by her in a very special (#1) way. I mean, heart-wrenching longing.

I can't wait just to be over this. It's hell. I'm sick of it, ashamed that I can't just get over it, suffering mentally & emotionally. but I don't want her to know that. We're both 'no drama' people.

Thank you for listening. I needed to get that out.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Want to tell my story

Post by Zsababy »

Two things pop into my head:
1) bad boundaries here
2) you can't have a friendship with her.
I don't want to sound mean but your behavior and attitudes towards her were really over the top in terms of neediness and clingy-ness. Just laying it on the table because it needs to be said. There are some psychological things going on here that preclude the limerance part. Lots of people get limerance that don't have these intense, enmeshed (if that's the the right word) interactions.

Part of it sounds like she used you as a temporary therapist for her abandonment/divorce and you, as an empathic person, missed that & failed to see that it was probably fairly one-sided. Someone using you for free therapy isn't true intimacy as it's one sided. Why pay for therapy when you can dump on someone for free? lol but not lol...been down that road soooo many times.

Given the strange bond you developed so quickly, I seriously recommend therapy. I'm not a therapist & I don't know you, but I'm guessing there are issues with attachment &/or abandonment and boundaries. I used to have that pretty bad. One good resource for discussing relationship issues & limerance is a YouTube channel called The Crappy Childhood Fairy. She talks a lot about dysfunctional families & how it can breed limerance. IIRC neglect & abandonment are big ones.

I hope my directness wasn't too hurtful but I figured I wouldn't waste your time beating around the bush.
Best of luck with this. I know you're hurting.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Want to tell my story

Post by Zsababy »

I want to add that I used to attract what I call Free Therapy Patients because as I child my mom expected me to be her therapist and best friend. It's called "emotional incest" . Basically, you grow up learning that it's your duty to meet other people's needs at the expense of your own. I'm getting a sense here that this may be an issue if you failed to see the one-sidedness of the support. My first impression of the dynamic was that she was kind of selfish & took advantage of your neediness & empathic nature. There is no other way to state this.
I think given the two of your personalities, AFAIK, this friendship would really mess you up; in fact, it already has. I think you need to go no contact now, begin therapy, and rekindle your marriage and value what you have instead of trying to get this ideal romantic fantasy that's not going to happen. Again, my first impression was that you were basically providing free therapy. Support is part of any relationship, but if someone is spilling their guts and leaning on you right out of the gate, that's the tell-tale sign
messedup
Posts: 7
Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2022 11:31 pm
Canada

Re: Want to tell my story

Post by messedup »

Zsababy, Thank you for having the courage to reply in such a straight-forward manner.
I discovered the Crappy Childhood Fairy a few days ago and have begun her daily practice, have registered for one of her upcoming webinars and am considering taking at least one of her courses. Did you go through any of her courses?
You mentioned you used to have problems with abandonment/attachment and boundaries. How were you able to heal and grow out of that?
I am focusing on here and now and what I have (my wonderful husband and 2 dogs, my very good life). I am just trying to get over the painfulness of the addiction I fostered (for myself) right now, trying desperately to stop obsessing over this and be free.
Thank you for your time & comments.
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5665
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Want to tell my story

Post by JupiterTaco »

It sounds like this person was messing with your head and avoiding her might be a good idea.
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Want to tell my story

Post by Zsababy »

I haven't gone through her courses but she's so on the mark but in a gentle, kind way that I'll bet they're good.
As far as moving beyond being people's therapist, I learned the hard way until my anger & resentment made me stand up for myself. I also found that if you want to drive away a narcissist, start talking about yourself & don't let them turn it back on themselves. That way you'll know if the support is reciprocal. Another is to tactfully say "I'm sorry but I can't be a support system right now, I have a lot going on". You'll know immediately if this person bulldozes that and ignores you that you have someone flat-out using you for a therapist and ignoring your needs. I did that with one friend, told her I couldnt be a support source as I was having problems with my father and she didn't acknowledge my statement. She seemed to take it as a signal to start talking about *her* father and proceeded to try to top my situation.

I know that dumping her was the right thing because I tried having a light relationship-- going to movies or shows now & then- but she insisted on calling me regularly and dumping for 45minutes or so each time. My friend who is still in touch with her had the same complaint 15 years later.

If she tries to contact you, just don't respond. Or you can send an email saying you don't think you can be a good friend as you can't offer support because you have your own problems, which you most likely do
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Want to tell my story

Post by Zsababy »

Didn't mean for that last sentence to be harsh. Just to say that you have your own needs to be met.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Want to tell my story

Post by Zsababy »

Out of curiousity, I reread this. I totally missed the part about you driving 2 hours (!!!) & redoing her bedroom, mowing the lawn, etc. I don't know if you offered or she asked you, but that's really exploitative of her to get you to do that. If you offered, she should've refused. This whole setup is way dysfunctional. Never allow yourself to be used like this and never offer your services like this to someone unless they are an old friend or family member with cancer or something. Not just some lazy-ass manipulative coworker who charms you. No matter how much you try to get a narcissist to like you, they will only view you as a means to an end. She got what she wanted out of you, then goes off with some dude. That's why you got so angry, imho. You acted possessive because she leaned on you like a partner would.

This woman sounds like a big-time selfish narcissist as far as I can tell. No wonder her husband walked out on her; I'll bet he was the one who did everything you did, then she somehow roped you into it. (Maybe I'm misreading her & that everything was your idea, not sure-- I wasn't there. Either way, again, don't offer your services like that to new acquaintances. I think you're really seeking approval quite a lot & it's not healthy.)

If you find yourself thinking about her, remember that sometimes charming & attractive people are awful. They use their charm & looks to get their way because they can & it often works. I'll bet a whole paycheck that she wouldn't drive 2 hrs to do your chores. Keep reminding yourself that. All you would get from her is used, therefore you must stop all contact immediately-- you don't owe her an explanation. You owe her nothing because you already gave too much. Even if you offered, it doesnt matter because she's taking and not giving back. She should have at least paid you or taken you for a nice meal.

I'm sorry this happened to you.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Want to tell my story

Post by L-F »

Hey messedup, I can relate in that I fell limerent for a woman and I was at the time a heterosexual.
messedup wrote: Sat Mar 26, 2022 1:07 am Here I was, congratulating myself on having found a wonderful friend but I was obviously out of the loop & so what kind of friendship was it? Mostly one-sided? Mostly in my head?
It sounds to me that you felt shoved to the side? If so, that must hurt!
I'm sorry you lost a friend and fell down the rabbit hole. It sucks right?!

I don't feel she was messing with you. When I read your post I pictured you had developed a genuine friendship and then things went haywire when you fell limerent, as it always does!

Are you still communicating with her? If no dialogue then it's a perfect opportunity to start work on yourself while 'out of sight out of mind'. In short, not communicating with her will be your best friend (as a rule, no contact helps).

All the best messedup!
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Want to tell my story

Post by L-F »

Zsababy wrote: Thu Mar 31, 2022 7:55 pm This woman sounds like a big-time selfish narcissist as far as I can tell. No wonder her husband walked out on her; I'll bet he was the one who did everything you did, then she somehow roped you into it. (Maybe I'm misreading her & that everything was your idea, not sure-- I wasn't there. Either way, again, don't offer your services like that to new acquaintances. I think you're really seeking approval quite a lot & it's not healthy.)
Hey Zsababy, wanted to quote you in the hopes you get to see my reply to you. I'm not going to say your observations are right or wrong, what I wanted to ask (?), no, ask is the wrong word... what I wanted to say is, something in messedup's thread has really really triggered you. I'm not going to ask you to explain here, though it could be something worth exploring? I know I used to get extremely triggered. Some posts would trigger my PTSD. It took me AGES (and a great deal of healing) before I could read some posts without losing my head, lol.
Anyway, just wanted to get a little curious about your triggers, and for some reason, this thread has pushed some buttons. All great stuff to add to the reflection pile. Hope you are well! Sending you and messedup support x
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
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