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Popping in to say ‘Hi’

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
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Oblio
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Joined: Sat Apr 21, 2018 5:56 pm
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Popping in to say ‘Hi’

Post by Oblio »

Hi Folks - It’s been a number of years since I last visited. I actually never visited this site much since my LE ended before @David founded Limerence.net. Life has gone on, and I’m in a much better place now.

I previously encountered David on a midlife crisis site (can’t recall the name) while I was in the throes of limerence in 2013, and followed him to Tribe LE as “Fred”.

Recently my SO of almost 7 years said something in conversation that credibly validates limerence’s addictive roots as originally postulated by Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 book, Love and Limerence. It felt pretty good for another mental health / marriage counseling professional (besides David!) to *finally* give validation; albeit in an unintended and indirect manner. I’ll explain.

My SO is a retired physician … a neurophysiologist specializing in physiology of the brain (Alzheimer’s) and psychiatry. She’s not only a researcher and clinician, but was also a professor of medicine.

Early in our relationship, I described my LE to my SO. I had similarly described my LE to a friend who’s a practicing psychologist, my own psychotherapist, and to the husband / wife trained marriage councilors when my ex and I tried to reconcile in 2013-14. They all dismissed any suggestion of limerence being addictive.

A few weeks ago my SO and I were chatting about geopolitics and goings on in the world today. I posed a somewhat rhetorical question wondering what leads some to become such fervent followers of fringe political leaders.

In general terms she described a few of the factors we know can cause limerence … a dissatisfaction or having issues with one’s current situation, encountering someone who offers hope (or maybe says nice things we like), etc.. The last thing she said … “It’s addictive”!

I immediately reminded her of my “Michelle Story”. I described that substituting my LO’s name for a fringe political leader fit perfectly into the scenario she had described.

I could tell from her reaction she got my point, but she didn’t say anything. No matter; I know what I experienced in 2012-13, and nobody will ever convince me otherwise.

Unfortunately this story also points to the gap in understanding of LE that David’s working to close. ‘Hope I’m wrong. I haven’t investigated the status of LE in the mental health community since 2013. Maybe things have improved. If not, maybe some will draw some assurance from this story …
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Popping in to say ‘Hi’

Post by L-F »

Oblio wrote: Sun Apr 17, 2022 7:10 am I immediately reminded her of my “Michelle Story”. I described that substituting my LO’s name for a fringe political leader fit perfectly into the scenario she had described.
Hi and welcome [back?], thanks for the back story. My LE hit in 2011, so it's nice to hear from people who have not only experienced LE but also learned from it.

If I read the above correctly, are you saying we can become addicted to anyone who offers us hope and says things we want to hear?
Oblio wrote: Sun Apr 17, 2022 7:10 am Unfortunately this story also points to the gap in understanding of LE that David’s working to close.
There is a lot to learn from the limerence experience that's for sure. For me, it was a combination of delusional thoughts, wishful thinking, and being led on, as well as childhood wounds, mirrored wounds, transference, countertransference, ego, spirituality, sexuality, suppressed emotions, emotional maturity, and more.

On the topic of being led by political leaders, watched an interesting clip called "The Brain Washing of My Dad (Family Documentary) by Jen Senko, who said, " Fox News turned my parents into the people my parents said video games would turn me into".

Humans can become addicted to just about anything, even romantically/sexually attached to inanimate objects (objectophilia). Attraction to these objects is not due to anything intrinsically sexy about the object itself, but rather the symbolism we've attached to them. The ephemerality of our lust made tangible.

Perhaps we could take a closer look at what's symbolic to us as individuals?

Welcome!
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Popping in to say ‘Hi’

Post by L-F »

Mentioned the documentary as an example of how various people can brainwash us if they tell us what we want/need to hear. Not suggesting it ought to be watched. LOs imo are no different lol
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Oblio
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Re: Popping in to say ‘Hi’

Post by Oblio »

“… are you saying we can become addicted to anyone who offers us hope and says things we want to hear?“

Nope, I wouldn’t go so far as to say that.

Other factors play a role too; like OCD and in the case of LE, attachment wounds from childhood, to name a couple. Also (IMHO) it’s unlikely that “anyone” could trigger an LE in any one vulnerable individual.
David
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Re: Popping in to say ‘Hi’

Post by David »

hi Oblio and great to see some old names from the old tribe site - those were the days with Una, Nigel and Meowbie and others!

Maybe we will never fully understand the mysteries of attraction, desire and limerence? Dissatisfaction with our current lot, an escape from grief (significant loss seems to be a precursor in many cases) , having neurodiverse wiring, obsessive traits, and the unconscious mirroring provided by our LO's of both our gold and darker shadowy elements all seem to play a part. For me, smell was also a powerful trigger. Im also fascinated by our evolutionary psychological behaviours that have evolved in more archaic times. Dr. David Buss's work is interesting although i'm not sure how it pertains to limerence.

Anyhow, good to read your update, i'd love to remember the mid life crisis forum where our paths crossed!
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
JupiterTaco
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Re: Popping in to say ‘Hi’

Post by JupiterTaco »

I joined the site in 2015 when I first found out what limerence was, thanks for the update!
"Men are fooled so easily. Women wrelike spiders. They'll pull you into their webs and...wrap you up so tight you can hardly breathe," Griselda Blanco, Cocaine Godmother
L-F
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Popping in to say ‘Hi’

Post by L-F »

Oblio wrote: Sun Apr 17, 2022 7:58 pm Other factors play a role too; like OCD and in the case of LE, attachment wounds from childhood, to name a couple.
True, those things and many more I'm sure.
Oblio wrote: Sun Apr 17, 2022 7:58 pm Also (IMHO) it’s unlikely that “anyone” could trigger an LE in any one vulnerable individual.
I've pondered this many times. It's an interesting thought... 'Can anyone trigger limerence?' Hmmm... perhaps if they are woundmates?
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
David
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Re: Popping in to say ‘Hi’

Post by David »

Oblio wrote: Sun Apr 17, 2022 7:10 am Maybe things have improved. If not, maybe some will draw some assurance from this story …
Sadly, no. Most mental health practitioners are still clueless. I do see the use of the word limerence more, a quick search of youtube will bring up a number of hits. But therapists still discount its impact. I think its hard to appreciate unless you've been under the spell.
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Popping in to say ‘Hi’

Post by L-F »

David wrote: Mon Apr 18, 2022 9:00 pm But therapists still discount its impact.
I wonder why? My guess is they assume it's just a case of crushing hard on someone but in reality...
David wrote: Mon Apr 18, 2022 9:00 pm its hard to appreciate unless you've been under the spell.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
David
Site Admin
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Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
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Age: 64
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Re: Popping in to say ‘Hi’

Post by David »

L-F wrote: Tue Apr 19, 2022 2:13 am
I wonder why? My guess is they assume it's just a case of crushing hard on someone but in reality...
when I asked my T why was she being so dismissive of limerencer, she felt Tenov was just another wannabe therapist trying to make a name for themselves by coming up with a name for something that was just an infatuation.
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
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