My relapse story

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Joined: Thu Apr 28, 2022 8:31 am

My relapse story

Post by Sunlight »

I'm 42 year old woman. My state of limerance of 4 years was almost over by mid 2021. I can confidently say now that it was limerance because of Dr. Devid's videos I recently came across. I was otherwise hooked up on the idea of twinflame theory which never felt right to my very logical brain.

When it started, the attraction was mutual. I told my husband early on when I felt something could happen between me and the person i was infatuated with.
And My husband took efforts to keep reminding me to not to act on it. We also went for marriage counseling. As a result, my husband acted extra kind and loving during that period of the time. That is when i think it turned into addiction like all consuming desire. Very primal, raw physical desire. It was a crazy time.
Limerance! I did find this term online at that time but did not find much about all the classic symptoms and how to deal with them.

LO's wife was my best friend and her oversharing details of her marriage kept fueling my fantasies. Over the nex two years, I managed to minimize the impact the LO had on my emotional well being. In order to do so, i had to distance from my dear friend i.e. LO's wife and other mutual friends.
It wasn't easy. I acted out, picked fights. I quit the common social media group of these mutual friends. My husband followed me. " It was nothing to do with how LO treated me or what mind games he played". I thought at the time. But now I can see it very clearly.

Entire 2020 went as "no contact" with LO and very little contact with LO' s wife. That helped a lot.

For various reasons, I moved with my family to a different part of the city at the start of 2021. By mid 2021 I barely thought about LO.

That is when following incidents happened.

My kid and LO's kid were going to go on a same camp and i went to drop off my kid . LO was there. It was his birthday and I remembered. In fact i had went over what i was going to say to him in my mind several times.
But when I saw him, I froze and just kept distance. While leaving, he turned around, looked back and waved at me. I waved back nodding my head. So just a good bye from afar !

While picking up the kids, we just ignored each other. And when I got back home I was again struggling to contain my emotions. So I wrote following lines on my phone note pad.
"Dear 'LO', when you are free of all the debts and commitments of this life and when I'm free from all of debts and commitments of my life, I would like to make love to you with all the passion i feel for you"
I deleted the note after reading it couple of times. This made me feel at peace. I had done this before in order to get clarity on my own emotions. After a day i was just fine again.

3 days later, a mutual friend called to inform that my LO died of a heart attack.

I felt NOTHING. I went to console his wife - my long time friend. I was numb. The thoughts in my head were, "I don't appreciate you leaving your kid and wife like that" so you see, i was really at a place where I didn't objectified him anymore.
Still, not feeling any grief at all made me question my sanity. I thought, how can i not feel anything for the person for whom i was addicted to at one point?
I think that's the difference between love and limerance. I had disassociated with the real person a long time ago.

However, interestingly, 2 weeks past his death, everything i felt while falling for him 4 years ago came back. I cried. I relived those feelings of falling in love with same physical symptoms. I felt the same way i felt when i was deeply longing for him 3-4 years ago. He's with me all the time! again!

So, after understanding the mechanics of limerance, I must be in a relapse. In limerance with same LO! Its now 6 months past his death and he's not going anywhere. I tried letting him go , asking him in my mind that he can move on and have all the happiness in the world where he can find in his next life. And he says in my mind "ohh, I am not going anywhere" so i am playing mind games with myself now.

The other thing i'm struggling with is
I've realized that in order to save myself from the pain i felt while in limerance, i have emotionally closed myself off. I'm afraid of developing any connections at all. I'm not the same person anymore. I had to cut off my friends, whom I had considered kind of my extended family.

Rightnow, I've lost interest in my business, I lost interest in connecting with new people which is essential in my line of work. And I'm just depressed.

I sure need to get in to therapy to get out of the relapse. And I'm finding info. from Dr. Devid and posts on this forum really helping me to see how many people are affected by this condition.

The question still remains is, how do i go zero contact here? Not funny and sad at the same time.

I'll be glad to hear if anyone got this kind of relapse. And how are you dealing with it.
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Re: My relapse story

Post by JupiterTaco »

I'm sorry you're going through all of that, it sounds rough. I have two pieces of possible scenarios here, feel free to take it or leave it. One; that this person's passing has reignited whatever unfinished business you all had in your mind and that plus the grief is what's getting to you. Also, I am just putting this out there, I don't know what your personal spiritual beliefs are, but is there any way this person might be having trouble moving on from the other side? You don't have to answer that for me, just something to ponder. If that's true, you probably already know.

I think finding and maintaining the support you can through here or limerence, grief, etc. facebook groups, therapy if possible and going easy on yourself and taking care of yourself and continuing the heavy lifting might do wonders helping you through this.

Also I wanted to add that I did relapse for middle school LO once two years later, and high school LO several years later, thanks to Facebook. For awhile I felt bad about the idea of unfriending him since I was the one who'd added him first. Nevertheless when I finally cut that cord, I started healing almost instantly.
Last edited by JupiterTaco on Sat Apr 30, 2022 8:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"She's a therapist," Bill, Twister
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Czech Republic

Re: My relapse story

Post by IvB »

Sunlight, this sounds very difficult, I am very sorry. The first part of your limerence sound similar like mine but I have no idea what it would do to me if LO died. I am sure therapy will help. You could beat it once, you can beat it again.
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Age: 65
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Re: My relapse story

Post by Eva »

I am so sorry. This is sad on so many levels. Perhaps you feel so attached now because you saw him near the time of his death and didn't interact. We don't know about his unfinished business. But that might be yours. What would you have said to him, not as an LO but as the man he was?

Years ago when a LO of mine died of a heart attack, I made a charitable donation in his name. With this I wrote a note about his rightful place in my life. (He was the physician who treated me for cancer.) The note was not about my feelings but about what he actually did for me. I felt guilty about my feelings. The organization shared the donation note with his family. His widow wrote me a thank you note. What I had written and my gesture of the charitable donation were appreciated. This helped me with letting go and I was glad to have honored this man, who was much more important than my feeling for him. You might do something similar. Make a charitable donation and write of his worthiness for the honor. If you don't want the family to know, ask to donate anonymously.

With deceased friends and relatives, writing sympathy notes is helpful to me. It is a way to deal with my own grief and to serve my deceased friend or relative by comforting his/her survivors. Perhaps you could write a sympathy note to his wife, naming his good qualities and saying that you regret his death was so sudden. She must have unfinished business with him too. I'm sure everyone in his life must. Try to detach yourself from your feelings and think of how LO's sudden loss of life may have hurt his survivors. Tell them of something they'll want to be reminded of. Again, I am so, so sorry for this terrible loss for you and for this pre-mature death.
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