Convinced it will never end

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L-F
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Re: Convinced it will never end

Post by L-F »

Stanfi wrote: Tue May 17, 2022 8:35 pm However the old ones are still there.
Bingo! Yeah, this is what I was getting at. Agree with you above. New pathways (habits) are important to establish so long as we're mindful they don't override the old ones. It's a matter of choice. And it's oh so easy to slip up! Especially when we're wired to take the easy route or the pleasurable route (or both!), ie - weight loss/weight gain.

Don't you find it interesting that limerence isn't pleasurable? Quite the opposite, it brings misery and emotional pain despite the dopamine? I find it absolutely intriguing.

I'm not disagreeing with you btw, and I certainly don't know all the answers, in fact, other than overcoming limerance I know zip! The more I learn, the more I don't know!
Limerence is an addiction to romance based on insecurity. LF
DreamingBlue
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Re: Convinced it will never end

Post by DreamingBlue »

I want what happened with my old LO to happen with my current one: it just lifted. The fog vanished. I saw her everyday, and gradually, she was just a human being.

I want that to happen so bad so I can be friends with LO. She's very cool and I feel we have a connection on so many things.

Looking at LO I feel it's totally possible, but I am not convinced, because this is the most pernicious, never ending LE I've ever had.
Stanfi
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Re: Convinced it will never end

Post by Stanfi »

[quote=DreamingBlue post_id=76795 time=1653583534

I want that to happen so bad so I can be friends with LO. She's very cool and I feel we have a connection on so many things.
[/quote]

I’m in the camp that believes you can’t be friends with an LO. You’ll always want more. I read this quote once “There is no worse way to miss someone than sitting right beside them knowing you’ll never have them.” Being around them is just self inflicted torture.
“Don’t ask me about the years I spent out in the rain. About the one I spent in love or the ones I spent insane. I told that was a long time ago. “ - Waylon Jennings.
DreamingBlue
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Re: Convinced it will never end

Post by DreamingBlue »

But again, like I said - I've already done this with another LO. It's no longer torture! I just don't like her like that anymore. Friends only and it's fine. No lingering feelings AT ALL. Attraction and admiration, sure, but no renewal of the limerence. It's long, long gone.
L-F
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Re: Convinced it will never end

Post by L-F »

It will take however long it takes. Mine? 10 years that also included a shyte load of heavy lifting. Keep in mind Limerence is NEVER about LO. Which you have evidence for... look at your past LOs. If it was about them, you'd be over it by now. But your not. All you have done is find someone else to be limerent for. I'm sure you know all this, writing it for those who may not have considered what limerence is really about.

Im sorry your still feeling it's sting. It's certainly it's own kind of hell. Sending you good thoughts.
Limerence is an addiction to romance based on insecurity. LF
DreamingBlue
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Re: Convinced it will never end

Post by DreamingBlue »

Thanks and like your sign off. Addiction to romance based on insecurity seems right.

And isn't it interesting that I was convinced my wife cured my limerence? She rendered it dormant for 16 years!!! During that time, a few glimmers, flirts, maybe even crushes, but nothing at all that grasped my sanity away from me. That didn't happen until 16 years of marriage and parenting together, then the old me, the old crushing, pining, longing me, returned. Isn't that odd?

Did it take you 10 years to end that limerent episode, or cure limerence in yourself completely, or both?

DB
L-F
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Re: Convinced it will never end

Post by L-F »

Ten years from start to finish, but only about 5 years in limerent jail where I did think it was about her.
After coming here and learning it was about me (even though it felt like it was about LO), was when I started to look at what I brought to the table, so to speak.

I wouldn't say I'm 'cured' as such, although I can allow myself to reminisce from time to time and be okay. That's because I'm more rational about it and not swept up in the emotional aspect.

Limerence was waning around the 4-5 year mark and had I not found this place, it would have died a natural death to only rear its head someplace else at another point in time.
Limerence is an addiction to romance based on insecurity. LF
Zsababy
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Re: Convinced it will never end

Post by Zsababy »

DreamingBlue wrote: Sat May 14, 2022 9:22 pm All of my early familial attachments were pretty healthy, I thought, but perhaps I didn't trust my mother as a caretaker, or see her as a fully formed human, or respectable female. There's that. Almost all of my early romantic experiences tended to involve pining, longing, crushing. Putting girls on pedestals. Seeing them through a romantic haze of mystery.
This is going back aways but this comment jumps out at me as a huge contradiction & very revealing. You say your attachments were pretty healthy but then you didn't trust your mother as a caretaker, you didn't see her as a fully formed human or even respectable. No offense, but I would not call that healthy at all. Rethink what you are saying and see how it's the polar opposite of how you idealize women. Not to play Freud but I see a very clear case of compensation here. You sound like you had a very low opinion of your mother & couldn't rely on her to meet your needs, so you continually long for a woman you can look up to (if not worship) who will be so perfect that she will fulfill all your needs and desires.
Just my impression
L-F
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Re: Convinced it will never end

Post by L-F »

Look at what influences your behaviour but never blame it, because ultimately it's your behaviour. Took me years to unpack everything that had shaped me, given we learn from others and our environment. I'm not sure how others processed their past, but I experienced rage, so be prepared to experience a gamut of emotions.
Limerence is an addiction to romance based on insecurity. LF
Zsababy
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Re: Convinced it will never end

Post by Zsababy »

I think you can look at how your past influences your behavior in a neutral way, separate from your anger or grief from it. Just as it can unlock the puzzle of why you do self-destructive or self-sabotaging things. It helps me immensely to realize that my habits are just habits that can be changed & that there are other ways to behave.
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