Do you feel you use unatainabilty to hate yourself?

[Rezz]

I know this is old but I still want to chime in on this.

I've thought this about myself for a long time now, even before my LO situation. I've dealt with depression about being alone for so long that I'm afraid to be happy because I'm not sure I would know how to manage it or deal with it. Being depressed at this point is really all I've ever known. It in some way makes me feel special, sets me apart from everyone else so I think I hold on to it tight. I go to sleep at night with an incredibly heavy heart, overwhelming sadness, but sometimes I feel like if I didn't feel pain then I wouldn't feel anything at all.

I used to have a real propensity of chasing after women who are unattainable back in my 20's and forming bonds with women in other cities. I used to only be interested in women who were married. In my life I've only ever had lasting friendships with two women, one lived in England (I'm in the US), and the other was my best friends' (at the time) girlfriend. Meanwhile there would be women around me who showed some kind of interest but I would give myself reasons not to pursue them, mainly confidence/self-esteem thing, and then spend night after night, week after week, month after month, year after year, telling myself that I'm not worthy of being loved. But I would be lying if I didn't say that on some level, that heartache didn't feel somewhat comforting.

[Zsababy]

I've thought this about myself for a long time now, even before my LO situation. I've dealt with depression about being alone for so long that I'm afraid to be happy because I'm not sure I would know how to manage it or deal with it. Being depressed at this point is really all I've ever known. It in some way makes me feel special, sets me apart from everyone else so I think I hold on to it tight. I go to sleep at night with an incredibly heavy heart, overwhelming sadness, but sometimes I feel like if I didn't feel pain then I wouldn't feel anything at all.

... Meanwhile there would be women around me who showed some kind of interest but I would give myself reasons not to pursue them, mainly confidence/self-esteem thing, and then spend night after night, week after week, month after month, year after year, telling myself that I'm not worthy of being loved. But I would be lying if I didn't say that on some level, that heartache didn't feel somewhat comforting.

Oops I messed up on my posting...I was saying basically that I can relate to clinging onto depression as a form of identity but ultimately you have to choose change or limerance will go on & on. I'd talk to a professional; feeling nothing can also be a symptom of depression.

Trauma, particularly early bonding experiences & relationship experiences can play a huge part for a lot of people. A therapist could help you examine the patterns you may have & what formative experiences they are caused by.

But I do understand sort of getting into melancholy; it can have a sort of romantic wistfulness. Look at all the music about it! It can feel weirdly good to bask in that but be careful. It can get serious.

Plus you need to let yourself enjoy what life has to offer. There's a lot out there