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Asking your LO to please stop contacting you

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
nfpeanut
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Jul 11, 2022 10:08 am
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Canada

Asking your LO to please stop contacting you

Post by nfpeanut »

Hi all, My situation is with a co-worker. It's been 3 years now. We did have a physical relationship for about 2 months 3 years ago and then he said he couldn't do it any more because emotions were too hot for him to handle. It really left me feeling very rejected and unworthy. We still work together. No one knows we spent time together in our work group. I still have to see him all the time, but the kicker is that he still texts me all the time at work to chat about all kinds of stuff. He also texts me outside of work to chat. Sometimes he gets very flirty and tells me he loves me and misses me and wants to see me, but he makes no attempt to do so. This has been killing me and now has set me up in the limerence situation. I keep hoping and he keeps the hope alive in me that someday we will reunite. I can't do it anymore. Getting a different job is not an option. Even though we work together I can avoid him a lot, and I feel this is what will be best for me to get over this. How do I ask him to stop contacting me unless it pertains to work? I don't want to just block him, I want to do it in the adult way. But I also don't want to explain to him about limerence...I just want to be free fromm this torturous hell. Has anyone asked their LO to stop contacting them and how did it work out, how did you say it? And I never contact him first, I only ever respond to him when he reaches out.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Asking your LO to please stop contacting you

Post by L-F »

Sorry to read of your situation. I don't know what you should do because there is so much more going on than what you've shared Im sure (ie. things are generally more complex than what appears on the surface). BUT! I do know what I would do. I'd man up/woman up/grow up and tell them directly that contact has to stop for my mental wellbeing, OR, I'd tell their partner the sordid details of the past.

BOOM! Doubt they'd bother me again.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5664
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Asking your LO to please stop contacting you

Post by JupiterTaco »

I've never done that, though came close. The thing is, and I say this especially since you mention you did have a physical relationship, you might have to deal with this more delicately. You could just casually mention someone else you're seeing if you think he'll get the hint and back off. It sounds I guess cowardly but you never know in this situation if it might get back to other people that you asked him to only contact you for work purposes. You guys may not be the only ones who know about it, you know? If he decides to make a scene, it could raise more attention to you both if other people already know about you. I'm a firm believer that other people can always tell when something happens between two people and there are a lot of people who have nothing better to do with their lives than look and gossip if that's something that matters or you worry about it affecting you. Just a thought. But then again people who want to bring negative light to other people will find a way to do it anyway so there's that...
"Men are fooled so easily. Women wrelike spiders. They'll pull you into their webs and...wrap you up so tight you can hardly breathe," Griselda Blanco, Cocaine Godmother
David
Site Admin
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Re: Asking your LO to please stop contacting you

Post by David »

Have you told him in clean clear concise language you wish no contact from him apart from work related issues if required.

you can always block him on your communication devices. Boundaries are what you set and what you implement. Speaking to HR may be an option.

You say you cant get another job, is that really true? It may involve a lot of upheaval and im not saying its an easy option and yet sometimes necessary.
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
nfpeanut
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Jul 11, 2022 10:08 am
Gender:
Canada

Re: Asking your LO to please stop contacting you

Post by nfpeanut »

There are very few jobs in my field in the entire country so switching jobs is not an option at this time I'm afraid. And HR is not really necessary as he is in no way being harassing or inappropriate. And I feel to my core that blocking is just juvenile and stupid unless you're in a much more serious situation. He's being respectful and kind to me always, but he is simply unavailable either physically or emotionally to me on any real level and I feel like he's leading me on. He's getting an ego stroke or something by keeping communication open with me knowing that nothing will happen. And I can't take the pain anymore. I just was hoping someone else has had a respectful conversation with someone they've had this situation with, and had some words of advice as I really don't know what to say. I don't feel like saying I in Limerence with you is going to get me anywhere. He won't understand. And I don't want to make myself look unstable even if that's what I am I suppose. HIs inconsistent contact and loving words actually just hurt me because he's been keeping it for 3 years, telling me he cares so much for me and tells me he wants to see me, but makes no attempt to do so. It confuses me and it's not fair. I suppose I just am looking for a way to word it very simply and to the point without making myself look like a terrible mess. Or maybe I am just too much of a people pleaser and am worrying about hurting someone's feelings much more than they worry about hurting mine. This is so difficult. ;(
nfpeanut
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Jul 11, 2022 10:08 am
Gender:
Canada

Re: Asking your LO to please stop contacting you

Post by nfpeanut »

There are very few jobs in my field in the entire country so switching jobs is not an option at this time I'm afraid. And HR is not really necessary as he is in no way being harassing or inappropriate. And I feel to my core that blocking is just juvenile and stupid unless you're in a much more serious situation. He's being respectful and kind to me always, but he is simply unavailable either physically or emotionally to me on any real level and I feel like he's leading me on. He's getting an ego stroke or something by keeping communication open with me knowing that nothing will happen. And I can't take the pain anymore. I just was hoping someone else has had a respectful conversation with someone they've had this situation with, and had some words of advice as I really don't know what to say. I don't feel like saying I in Limerence with you is going to get me anywhere. He won't understand. And I don't want to make myself look unstable even if that's what I am I suppose. HIs inconsistent contact and loving words actually just hurt me because he's been keeping it for 3 years, telling me he cares so much for me and tells me he wants to see me, but makes no attempt to do so. It confuses me and it's not fair. I suppose I just am looking for a way to word it very simply and to the point without making myself look like a terrible mess. Or maybe I am just too much of a people pleaser and am worrying about hurting someone's feelings much more than they worry about hurting mine. This is so difficult. ;(
L-F
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Asking your LO to please stop contacting you

Post by L-F »

Please compare these sentences
nfpeanut wrote: Tue Jul 12, 2022 10:41 am And HR is not really necessary as he is in no way being harassing or inappropriate.
nfpeanut wrote: Tue Jul 12, 2022 10:41 am I can't take the pain anymore.
nfpeanut wrote: Tue Jul 12, 2022 10:41 am HIs inconsistent contact and loving words actually just hurt me
On one hand he's being the perfect gentleman yet you cant take the pain of him not committing to you? That's limerence.

Can I ask if he's married? Are you married by any chance? Could this be a midlife crisis for both of you? Could one or the other be bored in your current relationship assuming one or both have significant others (SO)?

I would seriously look in the mirror before even attempting to involve him in your decisions. As the old saying goes 'it's NOT about LO'. That may sound harsh given you're a newbie (?) or a person returning, and I'm sorry about that. If anything, radical honesty is needed (not with me or anyone else, only yourself).

If you are wanting a mature answer to give him, how about just being honest? I'm serious. There's nothing more mature than honesty, even if it hurts. Unless you want to be the hero and live a life of pain?

Obviously I wouldn't advise doing what I'd do (previous post), but if I had to say something nice, it would go along the lines of...

"[Insert LO's name], hey I was wondering if we could dial back the out of work hours and non work related conversations because they're not necessary. I think you're a great guy, but given we're not together and never will be, Im left feeling [insert feelings] when we have these discussions. I'm not open to discussing my feelings, what I would like is to have my boundaries respected so as to keep our relationship on a professional level."


It's tough I know - can't win either way. Say something and live with the pain of potentially hurting him, or not say anything and live with the pain. Either way, good luck with your decision.

Maybe check out the threads on why we can't be friends with LO, and going NC. Great discussions for and against, and a lot of shared experiences.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
nfpeanut
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Jul 11, 2022 10:08 am
Gender:
Canada

Re: Asking your LO to please stop contacting you

Post by nfpeanut »

Yes, I definitely have only very recently come to the conclusion that this is limerence for me. Like in the last few weeks. I'd never heard of the term before. So I guess I'm feeling very overwhelmed with knowing I'm not actually crazy, that I'm not the only one who has gone through this, and that space and NC from him will be the only answer. I am not in a relationship. I am unsure at this point if he is or not. He was not when we had our time together. We were friendly before we spent time together.

I had just gotten out of a 25+ year relationship just months before we started spending time together. And to be honest my long term relationship was the only relationship I'd ever been in my whole life up to that point. We had gotten together when I was 15 and separated when I was 41. I got involved with LO when I was 42. So I literally had zero experience in my life. I thought this situation with my LO was simply what heartbreak was as I had no other experience. I've since dated anther man who I was with for a year. It didn't work out and I'm good with it. We have friendly chat if we bump into one another, exchange a friendly hug and walk away.

At the end of the day I think I'll be honest I guess. Something that will allow me to walk away feeling true to myself and retaining some dignity.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Asking your LO to please stop contacting you

Post by L-F »

The answer could be 'not saying anything' and working on limerence? There are many options. As I mentioned in my first post, our stories are more complex than what we see on the surface.

You are 100% correct, you are NOT alone. Welcome to the forum!
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Asking your LO to please stop contacting you

Post by Zsababy »

You definitely need to tell him, but I would do it in the most neutral-sounding, concise manner that sets a tone that it is not up for debate. I would say, after one of these texts, to text back: "Please do not continue to send me personal texts that are romantic or sexual in nature." It's cold enough that it lets him know that you don't want to discuss it. It also doesn't let him know that you're vulnerable. It also has a ring of "I've talked to HR & I'm taking steps & this will be documented" to it. You may not be doing that, but the business-like tone will let him know that you're not messing around and that his behavior could have consequences.

I do *not* reccomend talking about your feelings with him. That sounds messy, painful, confusing and counter-productive.

Just give him an icy-cold boundary-setting message. Given that he's incredibly selfish & insensitive & oblivious to your feelings, he doesn't merit more than that. He's messing with you and his BS needs to stop, end of story.

I think you can do this. If he does it again, I'd say, "This is the second time that I'm requesting that you discontinue sending texts of a personal, romantic or sexual nature." That definitely says "you are incriminating yourself by sending these and you've gotten two strikes".

Again: cold, impersonal boundary-setting. Throw a wet blanket on his would-be sexy crap and scare him a little into stopping. Definitely do not explain why. That leaves the door open for discussion & for him to manipulate you. If he says why, and he will, tersely reply "this matter is not up for discussion". If he gives you shit for any of this, don't respond to it. Resist the temptation to explain yourself.

Cold, hard rejection is the goal here. Remember how rejected he made you feel? Now reject him. You may find that empowering if you grab the reigns of this situation. Limerance feeds off of futile hopes and it's a weird sort of masochistic thing where you fixate on what you know you can't have. Quash those ideas in both his head and yours.

Good luck!
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