BECOME A MEMBER AND EMBRACE EXCLUSIVE ACCESS
Unlock exclusive features and connect with like-minded individuals by upgrading to our premium membership.
As a member, you'll gain access to our members-only forums, where you can:
Engage in meaningful discussions: Read, create, and search all threads and posts, fostering a vibrant community of like-minded individuals.
Establish deeper connections: Utilize our private messaging system to connect with other members on a personal level, fostering meaningful relationships.
Enjoy these benefits and more for just $2.99 per month, payable securely via PayPal.
Membership is flexible, allowing you to cancel anytime without any hassle.
Sign up today and embark on a journey of personal growth and connection. Join our community of passionate individuals and unlock a world of possibilities.

Click https://limerence.net/membership-accoun ... p-checkout

My Story

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
Post Reply
Kris_kristofferson
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Sep 20, 2022 12:27 pm
Gender:
Age: 38
Spain

My Story

Post by Kris_kristofferson »

I am a 36 year old heterosexual man. I have been together with my wife for 10 years. We are married with 2 kids, aged 7 and 3.

I must be 17 or 18 when I realize have fallen for one of my friends. She is gorgeous, prettiest girl in the gang, full of confidence, charm and genuinely funny. We share plenty of common interests and time together although she is in a relationship with another guy. This will go on for quite some time. Mostly I keep it quiet, seeking her out on occasions, coming up with ways to force encounters, and generally nothing other than a late-teen love. While still in a relationship, I will eventually I approach her and share my feelings while on a night out. She politely rejects me but keeps me close (we were very good friends by then, and the rejection feels natural. She has a boyfriend). However, she is definitely closer to me than she should be after learning of my feelings. When I tell her how I feel, she proceeds to dance with me a slow dance, hugging each other in the dancefloor. Of course, I am hooked to her for years. We share a life as post-teens do where friends become family. I still seek her out, I force encounters, and she is happy to have me there. We are still best friends despite both of us knowing I want more. For years I do not see anything other than "it could happen any minute". And so I endure, pursue and break apart every time a milestone is not met. Eventually, this stalemate makes me question the relationship, my own situation, purpose and… future. I will decide I have to leave. If I want to live a full life I have to leave. And so I do. I leave my city, state, country. Everything.

I am 22, I have been in love with Her for 5 years. I move to the UK where we are still in contact via a messaging app within a movie review platform (similar to IMDB). She is terrible at it, she takes weeks to reply to a simple message. Distancing has done me good. She is constantly present within me and had she asked me to come back, I would have. I meet a girl and we date for two months but I grow tired and unattracted to her and we break it off. This has been the longest lasting relationship I have had. UK leads me to Middle East, Europe, Africa… I spend the next years travelling the world. She comes to visit me wherever in the world I am living at the time (she never comes alone) and we have good times. However, I am still attracted to her and not making progress in our relationship feels like rejection time and time again, so I do not particularly seek her out anymore. Eventually, while living in (a country in) Africa, I meet a girl. We immediately bond and feel something I had never felt before. Like instant friendship. From that day onwards we are glued. Still, my longest relationship to the date had been those 2 months back in UK, a few years back. I was terrified "what if it I become unattracted to her like all the rest and I ruin it?". Luckily that feeling didn't come after two months. After 6 months of relationship I change jobs, she quits hers and we move back to Europe together.

I am 27. I am still in contact with Her and, being friends, I have been sharing everything about my new girlfriend. She is my confidant and I am hers. She says she is jealous. She is now single and has been for quite some time. In the interim moving between countries, jobs, etc. I need to visit my hometown, where she still lives. We meet for dinner and it is great. The conversation turns sexual, as it often does with her, and at that moment I know that was she to ask me to come back to hers for the night, I would. I want her to. But she does not. Bitterly disappointed that I have been rejected again, angry at putting myself in that situation and disappointed that a girl that I love was willing to uproot her whole life for me whilst all I was thinking was having sex with someone who did not want me, I call it a night and go home early. She goes out dancing.

That is the last time we speak. After that night, I commit to pushing her out of my life. Not writing to her in our "secret private message app", nor trying to see her or letting her know I am coming over. I will try to regain a friendship with her eventually. However, she will have completely blocked me as a result of me blocking her, and despite several efforts I eventually accept it. We often see each other at weddings or events (we still share the same friends) and try communicating with her. She is not interested in me and sharply puts down any attempt on my part. I am not hurt anymore by her cold replies and lack of interest in me anymore. And so, I am also content leaving it there and accept our friendship will go no further.

April last year. I have been 3 years back in my home country, still different city. I am 35, married and have two kids aged 6 and 2. We have had no contact since 2013.

She has written to me, out of the blue, in our "secret private message app". A simple "hi… any good movie recommendations?". It comes as a shock. I am incredibly happy. Not for the attention or romantic inclination, that is dead although I wonder how I am going to react, but rather to have that friend again. We exchange messages and we rebuild a friendship. She is bisexual now and later on I will find out she is ending a 6 year old relationship with a woman. No children. It is going well but rather quick I start to feel "things". I want her again. I know I am feeling things but not address them. I do not share my feelings with her, my wife or friends. I keep them to myself and I let myself become more entangled "into" her. I am aware that my feelings for her cannibalize the friendship but I am already past that. I want her. Her life is a bit "in shambles", as she puts it, and she sees me as a sort of support, a column, against which she can stabilize. We have spent about a year and a half messaging and we´ve tech'd up into instant messaging now. We decide to meet up next time I will be in my hometown. I know full well what I am getting into, how I feel, and know what I am doing and where (I hope) it is going. Not only that. I am the one driving it. I am the one who suggests meeting for dinner instead of the park with my daughter, whom she has not yet met. I am the one that ensures that I am travelling only with my daughter instead of the whole family and that she will have a sleepover that night with her cousins. I know. I have done that. I choose what to wear for dinner. Black shorts, yellow checkered Vans and a green jumper I have bought with my wife a month back. I like the combo and plan it in advance. I think She'll like it too. When I see her she looks spectacular. She is the definition of hot. So much so that I am embarrassed to be with her. At 37 she looks better than ever and I am instantly physically attracted to her. The evening goes well and we chat back and forth with no silences in between. There is plenty to talk about after 9 years with almost no communication. After dinner, at my insistence we have 3 gin-tonics back-to-back. I don't need to insist for the fourth one. During dinner we addressed what had happened when we broke contact off 9 years ago. I explained my position to which she replied she felt betrayed (I had met a new woman and I chipped her off because I didn't need her friendship anymore, seeing Her only as a potential partner, leaving her alone). As the G&T's fly we remember our trips together and the near (sexual) encounters we have had through the years. The conversation becomes quite sexual.
Between the third and fourth pubs she walks holding onto my arm. Inside the pub, we order drinks and talk. I sit on stool while she stands, the skin of our exposed legs touch and don't move. She gives me a long hug, followed by another and then another. I know what is happening. She sits on my lap and we kiss. After some kissing I suggest we make a move and grab a taxi, I drop her at hers and I will continue to mine. We find a taxi in no time and a couple of kisses later she jumps at her stop and refuses me joining her despite me wanting and trying to. She knows I am married, and does not want me regretting waking up. Eventually we part ways and I go home. When I arrive I will write to my wife telling her I am finally home.

The next few days are a nightmare. I feel horrible. Not so much for having cheated on my wife. But because I still want to, with Her. If I have the chance that very next morning to start what I had started the night before I would have. I regret my actions, but I regret more that this may be the last chance that I have to be with Her. I cannot blame alcohol, I cannot blame Her either. I had laid the path knowing where it was leading and I don't regret it? It snowballs. I am barely present. I doubt the purpose of my marriage (it's not going as well as neither me nor my wife would be happy to admit), I question me pursuing a family life altogether, my whole life, I do not care about anything… Simultaneously, I know full well that She does not need me, She has multiple sexual partners and She is not going to take me as a boyfriend either, there is no future together and if there was to be any, after uprooting my life and destroying my family in the process, I am sure our relationship would not live past the 3 year mark. I also know she would eventually cheat on me. Somehow, none of that matters. I feel like the protagonist of "An Orange Clockwork" when he is forced to look at images without being able to close his eyes by means of a mechanical contraption, noise blasting all along. Logic is noise, a distraction. I can only see Her.
Few days later, when I get back home after a long drive my wife knows something is up and questions me. She knows. Some time later we will talk about it and I will share everything with her. The full story.
IvB
Posts: 280
Joined: Thu Nov 12, 2020 8:30 pm
Czech Republic

Re: My Story

Post by IvB »

Hello, Kris, welcome. Everything you say sounds painfully familiar. Walking the path to hell even though you know exactly that you shouldn't, pretty sure that even though my limerence is much better and I am almost not in contact with my LO, I would probably still walk the same path, given the opportunity. No contact is the only solution, it's like alcoholism, seeing him again brings it all back.
Did you tell your wife? How did she react? What are you planning to do next?
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5664
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: My Story

Post by JupiterTaco »

I think you're right in maintaining distance or even breaking it off. For some reason you've formed this loop in your head that goes back to her, and she is using it. Not saying it's purposely, it may not be, and some people including people with narcissistic FLEAS and/or tendencies tend to lack boundaries other people have. Other people are actively breadcrumbing, hoovering and triangulating. It might do good to look up some of those words and read the narcissism section of the forum, see if it at all resonates with you or possibly how you see her or yourself. People like this circle around like vultures and watch as you struggle through life and attack when it suits them best. It's best to remain strong, realize you don't need this person and with distance you'll realize it. Hope this helps.
"Men are fooled so easily. Women wrelike spiders. They'll pull you into their webs and...wrap you up so tight you can hardly breathe," Griselda Blanco, Cocaine Godmother
David
Site Admin
Posts: 3859
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
Location: London UK
Gender:
Age: 64
Great Britain

Re: My Story

Post by David »

A familiar story many can relate to. There is much collective wisdom on this forum if you choose to listen. Most of us seem to have to learn the hard way.

Your LO sounds like a player, trying to seduce you knowing you are married. Im not sure what safety and security you represent, however this may be a factor - see hypergamy. Also not sure how old LO is?

My own LO gave me some good advice, do everything possible to try and sort out your own marriage first.
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: My Story

Post by L-F »

JupiterTaco wrote: Fri Sep 23, 2022 4:18 am and some people including people with narcissistic FLEAS and/or tendencies tend to lack boundaries other people have.
Not to go against what you've shared, I'm adding to it that some people who don't have N fleas/traits can still lack boundaries. I'm guessing boundary setting is a normal part of growing up for many people. Out of curiosity, do children set boundaries or know how to? I don't think so. So, and without pointing fingers (because this is a random/general discussion/thought), my guess is, we all learn at some point how to set boundaries, but it may take something like limerence to spur us on.

Sorry for going off topic. Welcome to the forum KK!
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: My Story

Post by L-F »

Side note: As for filters... don't think I'll ever learn how to apply one. Personality? Who knows.

All the best KK. Keep us posted.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5664
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: My Story

Post by JupiterTaco »

L-F wrote: Fri Sep 23, 2022 11:54 pm
JupiterTaco wrote: Fri Sep 23, 2022 4:18 am and some people including people with narcissistic FLEAS and/or tendencies tend to lack boundaries other people have.
Not to go against what you've shared, I'm adding to it that some people who don't have N fleas/traits can still lack boundaries. I'm guessing boundary setting is a normal part of growing up for many people. Out of curiosity, do children set boundaries or know how to? I don't think so. So, and without pointing fingers (because this is a random/general discussion/thought), my guess is, we all learn at some point how to set boundaries, but it may take something like limerence to spur us on.

Sorry for going off topic. Welcome to the forum KK!
True, but I think most people, especially when they're kids, they know what they like and don't like from other people and will vocalize it. But if one had parents that beat down that basic mechanism I suppose it can be lost. I think that happened to me, and have a long history of remembering not just me but my brother being criticized for attempting to have basic boundaries.

I just threw that out about the narcissism since this forum kind of focuses on that as a connection to limerence. My particular entire family and parts of myself also intersect with characteristics of possible Dependent Personality, BPD, OCD, malignant narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy, paranoid personality disorder, histrionic, schizoid, schizotypal, and avoidant, and of course depression, anxiety, PTSD, C-PTSD, alcoholism, limerence, and drug addiction across various spectrums, so it just depends on one's particular family but I'd imagine any way that somebody's demands exceed those of everybody else's in an environment can give birth to problems of normal individuation and boundary setting. I see that in myself, my brother, my cousins, and even our parents and their parents. Most of our family are/were runners who do what they can to stay away from the few that keep trying to tether everybody together in an unhealthy way. I also joke that you can tell who the aging social predators are in my family by who's still alive since everybody else is gone, but it's not funny.
"Men are fooled so easily. Women wrelike spiders. They'll pull you into their webs and...wrap you up so tight you can hardly breathe," Griselda Blanco, Cocaine Godmother
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: My Story

Post by L-F »

Eeek... thats quite a list JT

I like to think of my family as normal because I've yet to see/hear/meet a family that doesn't have issues/fleas/intergenerational trauma, etc. I'm not including extreme cases at either end of the spectrum, I'm talking normal everyday folk who go about their affairs unaware of trauma in and of itself and the impact it has.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
David
Site Admin
Posts: 3859
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
Location: London UK
Gender:
Age: 64
Great Britain

Re: My Story

Post by David »

Yes. Normal as in being the norm or majority, and yet the majority are traumatised. We live in a very sick society.
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 12 guests