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Limerence with married man

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MloveW
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Sep 22, 2022 11:21 pm
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United States of America

Limerence with married man

Post by MloveW »

My story is a bit long. I met him 23 years ago at a job that we both worked at. At the time that we were intimate I did not know that he had a girlfriend and I was ending a very horrible marriage to a man who looked at child pornography. I found out he had a girlfriend and so we continue to have a secret relationship he made it clear we were friends with benefits I ended it a few years later even though I had feelings and never told him, and he and his girlfriend moved away and got married.

Fast forward 20 years and I had to work on a project that he was also involved in and we had to go to a client meeting on the East Coast. We ended up sleeping together that night and it was just like old times, nothing changed the chemistry that we have always had together has been crazy. I told him that I could not and would not do friends with benefits I have been in a marriage with a very wonderful man but he has been very unemotional with me and our sex life was nonexistent. I would practically have to beg for us to be intimate, he has a lot of anxiety and he’s so focused on that that there was just no room for me. So as a lonely wife after seeing him again we started talking more and more and more. We live several states away But I got to see him again in August for the first time in two years. We have been having an emotional affair on the phone for the last two years. When he doesn’t call me I am so anxious he knows I have serious feelings for him I know he has expressed that he has feelings for me, I have no idea what they are. I decided to hire a relationship coach and she told me that she believes I’m in Limerence and I did do a lot of reading on it and I do definitely agree that I have some of those characteristics. I do love him I believe but I am very confused at the moment and I am trying to focus on my daily life and not try to think about him. I know he has feelings for me even though I don’t know exactly what those are, he knows I have strong feelings but we have never said the love word to each other. He said that he will not leave his wife that was several months ago but that we would just kind of not label whatever it is that we have. When I saw him last month we spent the amazing time together and staring in his eyes and his staring at mine was unbelievable I had a psychic tell me that he is my soulmate and that we will end up being together forever. As much as I want to believe that, I doubt that is probably the truth. I spoke to him today and he is arm distance but he tells me he thinks of me, it confuses me and I’m constantly looking for validation and that he cares. I don’t want to end things because we do work together and I like working with him and we do amazing projects together, but I don’t know how to just be friends, and I really miss him. I can see a future with him, he makes me feel so peaceful when I’m with him. My relationship coach said that I need to learn to validate myself. So is there anyone out there that can offer me any advice, any guidance the support, that would be amazing. Has anybody been in similar situation and how did you survive. Were you able to do it without going in a contact. I appreciate everyone reading and I look forward to feedback and learning more.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Limerence with married man

Post by L-F »

Hi M!

I'm going to pinch sage advise from David's LO shared on another post - which I believe you are already doing with your Relationship Coach.
David wrote: Fri Sep 23, 2022 9:37 pm My own LO gave me some good advice, do everything possible to try and sort out your own marriage first.
If I were I your shoes, I'd workout why I have a need to cheat without looking outwards at other people. Limerence does not give anyone a free pass to cheat. It's an internal drive that needs to be examined in my unprofessional ex-limerent opinion (I also believe it has nothing to do with being weak, if every limerent had the chance to sleep with their LO I'm pretty sure they'd take it). Having said that, I completely understand the strength of the desire to merge with a limerent object (LO). Trust me when I say it's got nothing to do with 'love'. Love doesn't keep you on hold, it's warm, inviting, honest, compassionate, and trustworthy. If it's true love, you'll never have to second guess it or be pained by it.

I'm rambling. I'm sorry to hear you're in pain. Limerence Land is a horrible place to be. We understand Limerence intimately here even though our stories differ.

I like what your relationship coach said 'to learn to validate oneself'. If we all did that, we wouldn't rely on others to fill our cup. Welcome to the forum. I hope you read the many threads here where others have shared a similar journey and find some comfort knowing you're not alone.
Welcome!
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
David
Site Admin
Posts: 3859
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
Location: London UK
Gender:
Age: 64
Great Britain

Re: Limerence with married man

Post by David »

You ask how did I survive limerence. Ive written and videoed much about what helped me on my own journey. Its the road less travelled by most people as its the harder choice.
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5666
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Limerence with married man

Post by JupiterTaco »

The time to end things would've been as soon as you found out he had a girlfriend but I suppose you know that. I don't know your job situation but it might be worth checking into other positions. The reason I say that is because based on my experience it's impossible to go back to normal feelings with an LO as the addictive component of limerence makes it much like trying to stop drinking while still doing it, it just doesn't seem to work. Is there any way you can take a long break from working with him until you can do the heavy work surrounding your limerence? It may be possible to go back and start new after a long, long break but it's possible that some people may just always have that effect on us so I don't personally advise it as a risk to take. I recommend branching your professional tree away. It's a good thing you have a relationship coach. I do recommend no contact with this person, if not now, plans for eventually.
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
Significant other
Posts: 138
Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2021 11:09 pm
Gender:
Age: 57
Spain

Re: Limerence with married man

Post by Significant other »

Hello Mlovew:



You have three ways

a,Stay in the marriage.Try to improve the relationship with your husband.

b, Break up the marriage and try a relationship with LO.

c, Break up the marriage, stay alone and wait to see what happens.

Write a table with the advantages and disadvantages of each option.

Meditate and make a firm decision and stick to it.

When in doubt, reread what was written and reaffirm yourself.

Later establish a plan and execute it.

Be logical, pragmatic, real.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Limerence with married man

Post by Zsababy »

One thing I'll say is stay away from psychics & anything paranormal/ superstitious that tells you this is "fate". When I obsess on someone, I read up on astrological compatibility even though I know it's bs. For some reason, superstition is a strong reinforcer because it plays into that magical feeling & magical thinking.

And yes, definitely time to work on the marriage. My first take on the husband having anxiety as an excuse for neglecting you is that it seems kind of selfish. Maybe I can see how that would interfere with performance but other things can be done. I think there's more going on there; I don't imagine it just getter better on its own.
Perhaps he's aware of your infidelity & is sort of punishing you by witholding? Just a thought
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