I have recently come across this website and would first like to say how awesome the idea behind it is, trying to help people who are going through tough times. Limerence can be a very painful experience and if your website and its forum can help just one person to get through that, it is worth any effort. So thank you so much to the initiators for creating and maintaining it!
Of course, I haven't just come across the website by chance. I have been limerent myself for over a year now and would like to share my story in the hopes to gain some relief from the sharing. In the past, it has often helped me to write down my experiences and feelings when I have been met with distress, so I expect this to be one of those cases. However, me writing down such things has always resulted in a text much longer than most people are willing to read, because I tend to go way too much into the details. So I apologize in advance for the length of this post and do not begrudge anyone who is unwilling to read the whole thing. Writing it down in the first place is what helps me, so please feel free to skip over the details. Also, as English is not my first language (although I consider myself to be quite good at it), I do hope that I can make all my meanings clear. Still, I'd like to request that you please excuse any language errors on my part
First things first: Even though I have been going through the pain of limerence for quite some time now, I have to admit that I disagree with the notion that limerence always has to be an inherently negative experience. In fact, being limerent has inspired me to do several things I would otherwise not have done; and those actions have led to an enormous boost in my career (I will explain more about that waaaay at the bottom). So while still knowing it to be painful, I think limerence can also be used to better oneself.
Next, I understand the need for keeping everything anonymous. I do not wish to embarrass or cause distress to any person mentioned in my tale below, so I will change both names and nationality of those involved (except mine) and also slightly alter events and durations of those events (while still having them reflect the true story) so it can refer to a lot of people and is less obviously linked to the true me.
Now for my story: I am a 38 years old software developer living in northern Germany and have been in a relationship with a woman from southern Vietnam for almost eight years now. Before I met her, I embodied the cliché of a computer geek: I was overweight (still am to be honest
) socially awkward and my first and until then only intimate relationship, which had lasted about nine months, had ended over thirteen years prior. During those thirteen years, I had spent a considerable amount of effort on finding a new life-partner, so much so that my professional life was suffering because I gave it less priority. So I was unemployed and broke when I met her. Since I do not want to reveal her true name, let's call her Linh for simplicity. She was working in a Vietnamese bistro where I would go to eat every now and then. She took a liking to me and one day slipped me a letter together with my takeout order. In it, she had written (in pretty bad German) where she came from, that she had come to Germany only a year earlier, that she had noticed me and would like to get to know me better. At the time, I had long since given up the search for a life-partner (or at least tried to tell myself to give it up) and was also about to move to another city about a hundred kilometers farther south. So I was highly reluctant to take up Linh's offer, because I did not think that she would want to accompany me there. However, I still agreed to meet her. Long story short: Turns out I was wrong, we got together in a few short days and before long, she moved in with me at my new home. There's something that I want to point out here: Before I met Linh, I was pretty desperate not to be alone anymore, so I admit that I got into this relationship more out of desperation than actual love. At the time, I would have sworn that I had fallen in love with Linh and even believed it myself. Today, I know better: There was never any true love on my part. Having lived with her for almost eight years now, I got to know her quite well and I am about 70% sure it's actually the same for her: She wanted to get out of a bad situation she was in, so she went with the nice guy who often visited the bistro. Linh might think that she had fallen in love with me, and still believe it herself to this day, but I don't really think so. Over the past few months, our relationship has slowly started to show some cracks: We are arguing with ever more increasing frequency, most of it has to do with her tendency to be very stubborn and easily offended by anything I might do that doesn't sit right with her. I would actually be fine with ending the relationship right now, but I must not do that. I have to explain something about German policy in order for you to understand why.
In Germany, apprenticeships are valued very highly in the job system. Almost all young people who finish school will either go to university (a minority) or start an apprenticeship. Apprenticeships are regulated by a lot of laws, so it is a highly institutionalized system. The point for my story is: Without either a university degree (which not many people will get) or a finished apprenticeship in a profession, one's workforce is worth almost nothing to most German employers. Without a finished apprenticeship, you can only do the most menial jobs, like working your backside off in eleven to twelve hour shifts six days a week in a noisy Vietnamese bistro, where most of the customers and even some of your coworkers are rude beyond belief. I can totally understand why Linh wanted out of there. But not being from Germany, she didn't know about the apprenticeship system we have here, and it took me some years to convince her to start an apprenticeship. It takes three years on average and is paid below minimum wage, but it has to be done in order to make something of yourself. Linh has started an apprenticeship in the summer of last year.
And there's the reason why I must not end my relationship with her right now: If I would, her stubbornness would make her immediately move out, back to her family in the city where I met her. That would mean quitting her apprenticeship. With an aborted apprenticeship on her resume and her still insufficient knowledge of the German language, she would never find another opportunity like she has now and would have to go back to those horrible jobs she had when I met her. Even though I now realize that I do not love her, I would never do something like that to her.
Whew, that was a long introduction! Now comes the part where the PILO comes into play. Shortly after Linh started her apprenticeship, I also started a new job as a software developer at a high tech company. I was incredibly lucky to get this job, it's a once in lifetime opportunity. There are about 500 people working at this company, so I still don't know most of them. But during my first month, I noticed a young asian looking woman while she had a conversation with our CEO during a break. Her nametag made me realize immediately that she was Vietnamese too. Of course, I do not want to reveal her name either, so since one of the researchers who worked on limerence has a Vietnamese name as well, let's use her name and call this woman Duyen. Here's hoping that the real Duyen Vo will forgive me borrowing her name if she ever reads this
So I heard her speaking with our boss and her grasp on the German language was quite good, even though she does have a slight accent. That gave me the idea to introduce her to Linh, maybe she could help her learn the language better. So even I was new on the job, I gathered my courage and asked Duyen if she would be interested in meeting my Vietnamese girlfriend. That first conversation with her started it all: I was immediately absolutely fascinated by her voice and her amazingly beautiful face. A few days later, she came to visit Linh and me for the first time. Duyen told us about how and why she came to Germany and also a little about her interests. I wont reveal her reasons for coming to Germany, but it has totally made me admire her courage. Also, her interests align with mine almost perfectly, much more so than with me and my girlfriend. As she left again that evening, I felt my heart aching for her and I couldn't wait to meet her again. She and Linh have since formed a loose friendship, but Duyen does not have the time to help Linh with her German, because she is also in the middle of an apprenticeship and that is a taxing occupation in Germany if your German is not perfect.
Duyen also told us about her boyfriend during that first visit. I didn't think much about him until she introduced us a few weeks later. Let's call him Jonas. One would think that with Duyen being the PILO, I would develop hostile feelings against him, but the opposite is true: Jonas and I get along very well; he's a great guy. As time went on, we all became friends. Actually, it's somewhat of a friendship triangle of Jonas, Duyen and me, with Linh being somewhat outside it. I tried to get closer to Duyen and that made me come into contact with Jonas more as well, but Linh did not have that same drive and is now sort of the person that just happens to be with me when I meet my friends.
After a few weeks, I became aware that my behavior was starting to show some worrying signs: I'd try to meet Duyen under all circumstances and make it look like a chance meeting. Linh, Jonas, Duyen and I had started a messenger chat group and I would constantly post all the random little things that happened in my life in the hopes that Duyen would be interested. Once I realized my behavior, I tried to stop doing it, because it was probably just going to annoy her. Because I was unable to end the relationship with Linh and she was in a relationship with Jonas, I forced myself to keep my feelings for Duyen hidden as best as I could. To be honest, I don't know if I pulled that off; she might actually suspect something, but I don't know for sure.
Interesting to note is the behavior of Jonas: I think he is one of those guys who always feel that they don't deserve what they get. He often encourages Duyen to meet with me, even when he's not around because his job has him working all over the country. Again, I cannot be sure as he never openly said it, but I truly think he wouldn't mind if Duyen and I got together. That's actually not the limerence in me making it up, I honestly think he believes he doesn't deserve her and she would be better off with another guy. And since Jonas and I are good friends and he knows that our interests align, I am that guy.
This situation alone was already hard on me, but there were two occurrences in the course of this year that made it so much worse. The first was at the end of May, start of June. Duyen will finish her apprenticeship next January and she stated back then that she wants to stay at our company afterwards. However, she wants to switch departments and talked to her apprenticeship instructor about internships in other departments in order to figure out which job would best suit her. By that time, my department head had just made me the person in charge of interns, so we even worked together in the same office for about three weeks. She sat through a programming language course under my supervision and I got to see how she is in every day life. Needless to say, the limerence again hit me with the force of a train. She is honestly the most intelligent woman I have ever met, blazing through that difficult course in half the time it takes most other interns. She also has a fantastic sense of humor and her self-esteem is amazing. Those three weeks were such a great time. Apparently, she felt so too (at least on a professional level), because shortly afterwards, she told her instructor that she would like to start working in my department after her apprenticeship. I am aware that this was absolutely a career decision of hers and had nothing to do with me being her de facto supervisor for that time, but it still means that starting next year, we will probably see each other every day.
The second occurrence I mentioned above happened at the start of October. Linh and I invited Jonas and Duyen to dinner for Duyens birthday. Boy, that was probably the most awkward and uncomfortable evening each of us has ever experienced: Duyen broke up with Jonas. She said that she wanted to focus completely on finishing her apprenticeship now. There is a huge final exam to every German apprenticeship, consisting of both practical work and a written test, which can be problematic to someone not fluent in German. She is smart enough that I have no doubt about her chance to succeed, but she still wants to study as hard as she can for the exam. So she ditched Jonas that evening in order to be able to focus on studying. I highly suspect she didn't want to do it publicly in front of Linh and me, but Jonas apparently wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible. He argued it out with her, while she looked embarrassed as hell to talk about it in front of Linh and me, and we were trying our best to pretend that we were not present. The next day, I had a private conversation with Jonas. He pretended to think that this break-up was best for both of them but I could tell that it was hard on him. And there I was, struggling to keep hidden from Jonas that some of my feelings had come into conflict: He was a good friend of mine and of course I felt for him and his loss. Heck, I would have been devastated in his position. Then again, a part of me felt that Duyen breaking up with Jonas could mean that there's a better chance for me once her exams are over. And that feeling in turn makes me despise myself, because I feel hopeful while a good friend of mine is in misery.
That's the situations as it is at the moment. Duyen has left Jonas, but wants to be left alone until her exams are over. I think I've managed to keep my feelings secret from everyone until now, mostly by actively trying to avoid her after I've learned what limerence is and realized that I'm experiencing it. However, once her exams are over, we will be seeing each other every day. I don't know how that will change my resolve; those three weeks back in May and June were pretty hard already, even though it was the best time I had this year. I already decided to keep my distance while she prepares for her exams, as those will be difficult and I totally want to give her every possible chance. But I am genuinely terrified of what will happen afterwards. As I cannot confess my feelings towards her, because that would cause Linh to break up with me and subsequently ruin her own life, the way I see it, there are several different possibilities of what might happen:
1. Duyen gets back together with Jonas. I guess that wouldn't be too bad, as I've learned to live with this form of limerence over the last year and I think I could manage that. During this outcome, I see myself as being Dante looking at Beatrice every day in Florence...
2. She just remains focused on her career and takes no more interest in Jonas, me or any other guy. That would make keeping my distance a bit harder as I don't have the mitigating effect of being afraid of betraying a friend. Also, I would be mortally afraid of her suddenly falling for some other guy.
3. This is the possibility that I guess most limerent people will expect me to believe: That she has long since fallen for me and wants to wait until after her exam to confess it. I am realist enough so that I make some conscious effort to deny the plausibility of this outcome. But when I try thinking about it rationally, even though the chance for it might be low, it is not an altogether impossible outcome. My aching heart would be overjoyed if this became true, so of course I dream about it. And then try to shove it out of my mind, because if this ever were to become reality, I am mortified about what will happen to Linh.
Now that I have laid it all out, I'd like to go back to the statement I made at the very beginning: That I don't think limerence always has to be negative. Of course it's painful. Of course it's terrifying. And of course it makes it hard for me every time my mind wanders off and inevitably lands on her. But here's the thing I took away from it: I used my limerence to better myself! In my process of trying to impress Duyen, I gave my career my all and that has paid off big time for me. I got a promotion and a pay raise after just a year of working there and the company also paid an advanced training course for me that has opened up a great deal of future opportunities. This positive feedback has caused me to be somewhat stoic about the bad side of limerence. It is what makes me believe that I could manage outcome I mentioned above. I feel the pain of longing for this wonderful woman in my chest every day, but I managed this condition for over a year now and I think I will be able to continue to bear it. I feel like the dopamine I get from the fantasizing about possible interactions with her outweigh the bad feelings for me, as I usually can push those aside and preoccupy myself with my work instead.
So here's my advice for all limerent people of all genders and of all parts of this world out there: Be strong! You can get through it! Take that feeling that is trying to crush you and turn it into something positive for yourself! If I can do that, so can anyone!
Thank you for reading this. I will probably write again some time early next year when her exams are over to give an update of what's happening. Bye everyone and keep strong!
