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This limerence is really scary

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Rezz
Posts: 10
Joined: Mon Oct 31, 2022 3:31 am
Gender:
United States of America

This limerence is really scary

Post by Rezz »

It is so scary how much these thoughts can completely take over your mind. I've basically been no contact with my LO for about 3 months now and while there are days where I can go a few hours and be generally in a good/normal mood, there are still times (like right now) where I think about her
not being in my life and I get incredibly, INCREDIBLY depressed.

It's scary to think that even though your rational brain can tell you that there are so many things not healthy about being around her, I still miss our multi-hour long conversations and times where we used to hang out. I still yearn to have those experiences with her again. Now she has those experiences with a new friend. I wish I could have been normal enough to where she could still be in my life, to where I didn't have to go no contact with her. I'll never know if she was always going to be toxic or if I did something to bring that out in her towards me.

It's scary to think that I can give so much power to any one person, and even scarier when I realize that the first person I allowed myself to get this close to over 10 years is the one that is subject to all this distress. It hurts that while I'm having all these obsessive thoughts over this one girl, I know she's out there living her regular life not caring about me at all. It shouldn't hurt, but it does.

It's scary to think how I have (new) friends and a mother that loves me, yet my life still feels this empty because my LO isn't in it anymore. It is so incredibly horrible having to live like this, being obsessed over someone who you clearly know is not good for you and who does not care about you at all. And you can't run from this. How can you run from your own brain? And how can you fight this?
IvB
Posts: 280
Joined: Thu Nov 12, 2020 8:30 pm
Czech Republic

Re: This limerence is really scary

Post by IvB »

Hi Rezz,
I am sorry that you are going through this. I know what you feel, we all do. Let me just congratulate you on complete NC, that's not an easy thing. And I remember that at the beginning of my limerence I thought that surely this hell can't last long, a few months top - well, after 6 months I was over the absolute worst, after a year I finally felt like living again and now after two years the feelings are shallow, if I don't think of LO too much, my life feels almost normal again. So keep strong, keep busy with interesting stuff and it will get better, time does help, only slower than we would wish
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: This limerence is really scary

Post by Zsababy »

Rezz wrote: Thu Nov 10, 2022 8:19 pm It is so scary how much these thoughts can completely take over your mind. I've basically been no contact with my LO for about 3 months now and while there are days where I can go a few hours and be generally in a good/normal mood, there are still times (like right now) where I think about her
not being in my life and I get incredibly, INCREDIBLY depressed.

It's scary to think that even though your rational brain can tell you that there are so many things not healthy about being around her.....

It's scary to think that I can give so much power to any one person, and even scarier when I realize that the first person I allowed myself to get this close to over 10 years is the one that is subject to all this distress. It hurts that while I'm having all these obsessive thoughts over this one girl, I know she's out there living her regular life not caring about me at all. It shouldn't hurt, but it does.

....It is so incredibly horrible having to live like this, being obsessed over someone who you clearly know is not good for you and who does not care about you at all. And you can't run from this. How can you run from your own brain? And how can you fight this?
So sorry that you are in the very painful phase of limerance. It really sucks & it's agonizing. At least you're taking the right first step--talking about it in this forum and learning more about it. Awareness about the phenomenon can really be helpful-- I often find that learning a bit about the science of how the mind works gives me a little distance from it. In this case, the neurochemistry seems to hinge on dopamine, the feel-good neurotransmitter (or is it hormone? Not sure) that gives us a high when we expect a satisfying reward. Somewhere on here, I think it was David, someone pointed out the new theory that dopamine is less about a high from getting a reward, so much as anticipating that reward. So we get a high just from the *wanting and waiting*. It's the same high as coke, IIRC.

I say all this not because I'm trying to come off like an expert, but for me, being able to see my mind from the outside, as it were, gives me some distance from what's going on inside & thus I feel a little less propelled & controlled by it.

There are also theories that it may have to do with OCD & for many people, early trauma, particularly around bonding, is a huge factor. That is something you may want to explore. I can't recall if you were the one who said they had a score of 0 self-esteem, but all of that is connected. I know in the past I had lots of feelings of unlovability & my first "love" was with a narcissist who used me as a sounding board for how he was pursuing other women. It sounds a lot like your situation, in some ways. You might want to dig deeper into your early bonding & relationship experiences & see if you can spot any patterns.

Anyway, keep chatting on here; I talk way too much so feel free to let 'er rip, lol.
HelpWithGOLO
Posts: 94
Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2023 10:06 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: This limerence is really scary

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

I agree that talking about it and learning about it are very important steps. I'm over a month into NC and if not for this forum I think I would've lost my mind for sure. When I first parted ways with my LO I was devastated, to put it very mildly. I wish I had any helpful advice for you but I'm struggling, too. I sympathize with your post word for word. I hate that the imaginary version of her that I created has such control of my thoughts. I hate that I keep inflicting this pain on myself over a mere fantasy and I want it to stop. All I can say is to take it day by day. It's incredibly hard but just know that all of us here know what you're going through and are here to talk. Journaling my feelings has helped a lot. Hopefully it can help you, too.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: This limerence is really scary

Post by L-F »

It took me 10 yrs to get over LO, perhaps because im a slow learner, idk.
Whether it's time
Whether it's boredom
Whether it's self-awareness
Or whether its just life
Things ebb & flow, nothing stays the same

I've got nothing enlightening to share
Keep chatting with likeminded and
Hang in there
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
msh
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Mar 08, 2023 2:32 pm
United States of America

Re: This limerence is really scary

Post by msh »

IvB wrote: Thu Nov 10, 2022 9:20 pm Hi Rezz,
I am sorry that you are going through this. I know what you feel, we all do. Let me just congratulate you on complete NC, that's not an easy thing. And I remember that at the beginning of my limerence I thought that surely this hell can't last long, a few months top - well, after 6 months I was over the absolute worst, after a year I finally felt like living again and now after two years the feelings are shallow, if I don't think of LO too much, my life feels almost normal again. So keep strong, keep busy with interesting stuff and it will get better, time does help, only slower than we would wish
I have not went NC yet. I am not sure I can.
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