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Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
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Re: My LO kissed me!

Post by Zsababy »

Kaizercrazy wrote: Wed Nov 16, 2022 4:29 pm
L-F wrote: Wed Nov 16, 2022 1:09 pm
You know you need to set boundaries, but how? Defining the “rules” of your relationships can liberate you from people-pleasing and over-committing. https://www.scienceofpeople.com/how-to-set-boundaries/

Kaizercrazy!
(Regarding a boundary conversation) Honestly, I think the most likely outcome with the convo will be that she treats me as needy and accuses me of overcomplicating and overdramatizing the situation. She'll probably say some shit like " I don't even like you that much". Which is going to hurt....

A lot of my ego is in play here... In a way, I just don't want her to win this thing. I don't want her to get away with yanking my heart around, and then have her go an treat me like an "overly emotional" guy who couldn't help but fall in love with her. As shallow as it is... I don't want to be seen that way by her, myself, or whoever the inevitable gossip might get around to.

I see her for the first time today since about a week ago. I'll let ya'll know how it goes. Thank you so much for your help.
If you don't want her to treat you like an overly emotional guy who is complicating things, I would just quietly back away, become unavailable, act uninterested, when she flirts, don't react. Any kind of reaction is going to be taken as an ego reward. She got cold and blew you off. If she yanked you around and hurt you like you said, she doesn't merit a boundary conversation and she won't respect it anyway. She'll say you're being overdramatic and flattering yourself.

Honestly, if it was me and she yanked my chain & started all over again, I'd roll my eyes and say "Not this again. Give it a rest." One of two things would happen: she would be pissed enough to leave you alone, or she may respect you. I don't know.

She may have likeable qualities but people can have likeable qualities & still be bad for us. She's bad for you; for all we know, she wants to break up your marriage just to see if she can, to see if she's irresistible. She seeks to confirm power over men, for whatever reason. Maybe she's damaged, maybe she's an egomaniac...who knows? You can spend forever analyzing her & analyzing the dynamic. Or you can just declare, in so many words, that you are done with her bullshit games, because that's basically what they are.

Don't worry about her opinion; worry about her potential to destroy your marriage, because that's ultimately what's at stake here.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: My LO kissed me!

Post by Zsababy »

Gah, never mind what I said. Didn't read the whole thread.
But just as my two cents, I think that empathy is the ideal but it also leaves the door open for just them repeating the same behavior over and over. I've learned the hard way; you can't save people and they don't often change. I have wasted soooooo much time and energy feeling sorry for people in my life. My motto is that they may deserve sympathy but if they manipulate me, they need to get that sympathy somewhere else. It's up to them to get therapy. It's up to you to protect yourself.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: My LO kissed me!

Post by Zsababy »

Or if they mistreat me...I should say. In the end, I find that I can't blame the other person if I allow them to mistreat me. Not that it lets them off the hook, but it's just rewarding bad behavior. In my life, what made me change dysfunctional or just dumb behavior was negative feedback. It's just basic behavioral conditioning.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: My LO kissed me!

Post by Zsababy »

Sorry, I keep coming back but I tend to post without completing my thoughts. This is probably irrelevant at this point, but just in case it resurfaces (and it might), it's very likely that she just gets bored with guys easily. It might have nothing to do with you. My guess is that another guy caught her attention & she was into him now. Some people just love the chase & reality bores them, who knows why.

Maybe a new guy rejected her so she came back to you. I call that kind of behavior narcissistic, and it doesn't mean they don't have damage. The fact is, it appears that we have no idea what her childhood was like. It could also be that her childhood was fine, who knows? We just know she plays around & doesn't seem to concerned with people's feelings. Who knows why? Attractive people have a much bigger pool to choose from & they can get what they want. How they deal with that power is a matter of sensitivity.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: My LO kissed me!

Post by L-F »

Zsababy wrote: Thu Nov 17, 2022 8:18 pm Gah, never mind what I said. Didn't read the whole thread.
But just as my two cents, I think that empathy is the ideal but it also leaves the door open for just them repeating the same behavior over and over.
That's where boundaries come in. It doesn't matter if she respects those boundaries or not. It's the fact that the limerent person sets them for their wellbeing and sticks to them. I believe limerents in general are not good at setting boundaries mostly because we're people pleasers.

Boundaries, for anyone, regardless of which side of the coin you are on, are the only things that will save marriages and sanity and stop all game-playing in it's tracks. No more rewarding bad behaviour. Goodbye to emotional blackmailed & manipulation.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: My LO kissed me!

Post by Zsababy »

Yes, definitely. We have to stick to our own boundaries. And it's true that limerants have a rough time with setting them.

Hopefully, she'll just fade away.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: My LO kissed me!

Post by L-F »

Read this on FB [Propel Trauma] she's good! My kind of take on narcissism. She has clips you can watch.
"I ramble a wee bit but narcissistic behaviour is so fascinating to me given how common and how damaging it can be to the people around us, including ourselves.

A person who displays these types of behaviours is NOT a bad person, they are just a person that has been emotionally triggered and therefore been hijacked by their survival brain. People with narcissistic tendencies (which are people who you tend to walk on eggshells around) are just people with a lot of fears (and triggers).

Healing from these behaviours starts with becoming aware you have them in the first place. And then unlayering the fears around them."
She goes on to say we all have narcissist tendencies/behaviour, and it is my understanding a narcissistic person is what triggers our own narcissism. Take monks, spiritual gurus and the like. They believe if one has healed or become enlightened or empowered, you're not likely to respond to (be triggered by) poor behaviour, period. That's because you see the behaviour belonging to the other. And that's where empathy comes in. Having empathy doesn't mean excusing behaviour.

David has talked white a bit about LOs mirroring our own narcissism. Perhaps that's where the lesson lays? Only my take.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: My LO kissed me!

Post by L-F »

Zsababy wrote: Thu Nov 17, 2022 10:09 pm Hopefully, she'll just fade away.
I know right! I would want this to happen if I were in his shoes lol
But she maybe a harmless person to practice boundary setting on. I can only imagine a worse case scenario coming along =))
Well, that would just be my luck! In fact, had a stalker of my own... Yep, boundary setting is important.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Kaizercrazy
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon Nov 14, 2022 11:19 pm
United States of America

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Post by Kaizercrazy »

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Last edited by Kaizercrazy on Mon Nov 28, 2022 2:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Kaizercrazy
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Joined: Mon Nov 14, 2022 11:19 pm
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Post by Kaizercrazy »

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Last edited by Kaizercrazy on Mon Nov 28, 2022 2:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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