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Death Blow

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
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NickMarone
Posts: 42
Joined: Fri Nov 18, 2022 8:30 pm
Canada

Death Blow

Post by NickMarone »

New poster. Long time lurker. I've read everything on limerence (books, websites, the works). It's almost a hobby at this point. Myself, have been limerent since pre-puberty even. Bouncing from one girl to another. Chronic depression (dopamine depleted) all my life. Still have not gotten over relationship (with LO) that ended over 20+ years ago. Single and never married (often, if not actively limerent, fairly content as a single). Never mentioned any of this to anyone or posted anywhere until now (save my therapist/psychiatrist).

Anyway, my full backstory would probably overwhelm the server, so I'll get to what is bothering me right now. My current LO is a younger co-worker that I'm forced to interact with fairly regularly. She's happily married of course, with a loving husband and children. I can accept intellectually that this is a dead end. That being said, even in that acceptance, what would literally death blow me into oblivion at this point would be if I would find out that she did not find me the least bit attractive or was even repelled by me.

I don't think that's the case (there seems to be some mutual attraction), but I would literally die if she found me physically repugnant. Maybe it is an ego thing or just self-preservation (at least if I'm desirable in some sense I could at least find someone else).

Or maybe something it is something else and I'm so low that this would be the last straw. As mentioned, I've really given up on a lot of things lately (I don't even fantasize being with the LO because it is hopeless--that's how down I am). Obviously, struggling right now. Looking for any insights. I've got the Emotional Intelligence of a snail.

Nick
Some people claim that there's a woman to blame, but I think it's my own damn fault.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Death Blow

Post by Zsababy »

First of all, welcome! I think you'll find this site a useful resource. (I'm on it constantly as my limerances can drive me to seriously humiliate myself, so it keeps my impulses in check)

Second, don't worry about giving too much backstory. In fact, that can be useful for discussion.

One thing I'm wondering about is how your self-esteem is in general & if you have a history of rejection. That said, I think many of us have a serious need for validation, or at least those of us that have histories of neglect. I'm about to watch David's videos, so I don't know what he covers, but on YouTube, the Crappy Childhood Fairy talks about limerance & early trauma (and that doesn't just mean child abuse, but subtler stuff, too)

Anyway, I can totally relate. In fact, I think I'm often attracted to homely but very charming & sweet men because of my own insecurity about my looks. We all want our LOs to reciprocate our feelings, so wanting to feel desired is part of that. I know I don't have sexual fantasies about conventionally attractive men because I can't picture a conventionally attractive man wanting me, despite the fact that I've had a couple of gorgeous sexual partners (one wasn't too picky though)

Feeling insecure about our desirability-- woah, that's a big one. I've been an ugly duckling and a quasi-swan who got hit on constantly so I know the 2 sides of the coin.

Keep talking here & perhaps we can help you work thru it. I take it you have a therapist?
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Death Blow

Post by L-F »

Welcome to the forum Nick!
You probably know all there is to know about limerence.

I found this POV interesting...
NickMarone wrote: Fri Nov 18, 2022 8:54 pm I would literally die if she found me physically repugnant.
I wonder what makes you think this? Like you, I'm sure she doesn't, yet I'm curious to know why this amount of power is placed in her hands?

Anyway, just wanted to wave out and welcome you.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5665
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Death Blow

Post by JupiterTaco »

Hello and welcome Nick,

If my story so far hasn't overloaded the server I'm guessing yours wouldn't either. Just putting that out there. =)) The down period you're experiencing right now is part of the addiction process, hitting bottom more or less. The good news is you have nowhere to go but up. It may take time for your brain to acknowledge that LO is not giving you the high it did and it's time to move on. In the meantime there is lots of good information on this forum and it has been a lifesaver for me learning what I know now. Limerence really brings up these primitive lack-of-belonging feelings that need to be looked at and dealt with since LO is not the reason, only the catalyst. Hope this helps!.
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Death Blow

Post by Zsababy »

Lack of belonging feelings-- wow. Perfect way to put it. Does that strike a chord!
NickMarone
Posts: 42
Joined: Fri Nov 18, 2022 8:30 pm
Canada

Re: Death Blow

Post by NickMarone »

Zsababy wrote: Sat Nov 19, 2022 7:52 am One thing I'm wondering about is how your self-esteem is in general & if you have a history of rejection. That said, I think many of us have a serious need for validation, or at least those of us that have histories of neglect. I'm about to watch David's videos, so I don't know what he covers, but on YouTube, the Crappy Childhood Fairy talks about limerance & early trauma (and that doesn't just mean child abuse, but subtler stuff, too)

Anyway, I can totally relate. In fact, I think I'm often attracted to homely but very charming & sweet men because of my own insecurity about my looks. We all want our LOs to reciprocate our feelings, so wanting to feel desired is part of that. I know I don't have sexual fantasies about conventionally attractive men because I can't picture a conventionally attractive man wanting me, despite the fact that I've had a couple of gorgeous sexual partners (one wasn't too picky though)

Feeling insecure about our desirability-- woah, that's a big one. I've been an ugly duckling and a quasi-swan who got hit on constantly so I know the 2 sides of the coin.

Keep talking here & perhaps we can help you work thru it. I take it you have a therapist?
Thanks for the response! Just some feedback:

--Self-esteem is fluctuating on a day-to-day basis. Sometimes incredibly low but quite often OK (although I'm depressed it is a unipolar type with no mania involved). I have no real history of early (or later) abuse or trauma. The mental health problems I have seem to be very biological based. Quite certain of that through years of treatment. Not that I had a perfect upbring or anything. Lots of rejection in adulthood and I think I may be slightly love-shy for those who dabble in that whole thing.

--This is one of my more mature LE. Since LO is married, that sort of made it somewhat a dead end right from the get go, at least intellectually (emotionally is another matter!). The fact that I'm questioning my attractiveness (or lack of) means I'm at least thinking of a future beyond this LO, and may even use it to springboard forward. But if I'm not in the least bit desirable to the women that means everything to me right now, then that's the "death blow" for right now AND the future. That is what has me so concerned and that's where esteem issues come in and all that.

--Yes, I've been professionally treated since I was 22.

--There's one thing that kind of sticks out for me. I was extremely limerent for a female teacher (I'm male) at ages 6-8. In fact, it feels the same as LE I've had in adulthood and has all the markings of "regular" LE. I thought of her 95% of the waking hours, etc., Now, a person might dismiss that as "regular" school boy crush-on-teacher stuff. But, like I said, it actually felt remarkably the same as future LE all throughout life and everything except I was pre-pubescent.

Did this set a pattern for future episodes? Am I just reliving the same story again and again? I don't know what the heck about this aspect of things. It seems really odd to me even thought I've lived through it.

--Also, even at six years old or so, I remember having the same "wave" of depressive feelings that I have even today. That is, I get EXACTLY the same overwhelming feelings now as I did way back as a child (not necessarily about the LO, just general overall depression). It is like my wiring took hold early and often and I'm still stuck in the same emotional rut.

Nick
Last edited by NickMarone on Mon Nov 21, 2022 6:16 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Some people claim that there's a woman to blame, but I think it's my own damn fault.
NickMarone
Posts: 42
Joined: Fri Nov 18, 2022 8:30 pm
Canada

Re: Death Blow

Post by NickMarone »

L-F wrote: Sun Nov 20, 2022 4:02 am I found this POV interesting...
NickMarone wrote: Fri Nov 18, 2022 8:54 pm I would literally die if she found me physically repugnant.
I wonder what makes you think this? Like you, I'm sure she doesn't, yet I'm curious to know why this amount of power is placed in her hands?
Yeah, I don't know why she has this power or how she got it. It's like my entire self-esteem is literally tied to this one person's opinion of me. I would definitely prefer if it wasn't that way...

Does anyone have insights? Do others get so invested in their LO that their self-confidence is so dependent what LO thinks and no other experiences or opinion of others seem to hold any weight? I'm thinking somehow this is getting more to the center of the whole "problem".

Nick
Some people claim that there's a woman to blame, but I think it's my own damn fault.
NickMarone
Posts: 42
Joined: Fri Nov 18, 2022 8:30 pm
Canada

Re: Death Blow

Post by NickMarone »

JupiterTaco wrote: Sun Nov 20, 2022 4:09 pm The good news is you have nowhere to go but up. It may take time for your brain to acknowledge that LO is not giving you the high it did and it's time to move on.
Thanks for the response. I guess that's part of the thing. If I had a super awesome "life" to get back to if/when I would get over the LO, no problem. But the fact that I'm miserably depressed, the dopamine hit I get off through my LE is the only good feeling I'm getting right now. The key is to build a life upon something that I would want to return to in the first place, and that also might keep the tendency toward initial limerence at bay.

What kind of pisses me off to an extent, was I doing well at my job after some destabilizing events (we were downsized and things) and was really starting to be content in my work for the most part for the first time in a long while. Then this new hire just jolts me to another world of mostly misery and new emotional destabilization. It's like God/Universe is testing me for some reason.

Nick
Some people claim that there's a woman to blame, but I think it's my own damn fault.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Death Blow

Post by L-F »

Hi Nick
NickMarone wrote: Mon Nov 21, 2022 3:09 pm Yeah, I don't know why she has this power or how she got it.
I'm going to flip the script here... and ask again, why do you think YOU have given her this power?

What is it about her that has you feeling like you need her approval? Looks? Intellect? Kindness? Just something to ponder.

For me, LO exuded masculine energy - intelligent, strong and stoic, all wrapped up in a feminine body. In short, the kind of mother I needed as a child, among other things & on a different level (that's discussed in the private section of the forum).
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5665
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Death Blow

Post by JupiterTaco »

NickMarone wrote: Mon Nov 21, 2022 6:10 pm
JupiterTaco wrote: Sun Nov 20, 2022 4:09 pm The good news is you have nowhere to go but up. It may take time for your brain to acknowledge that LO is not giving you the high it did and it's time to move on.
Thanks for the response. I guess that's part of the thing. If I had a super awesome "life" to get back to if/when I would get over the LO, no problem. But the fact that I'm miserably depressed, the dopamine hit I get off through my LE is the only good feeling I'm getting right now. The key is to build a life upon something that I would want to return to in the first place, and that also might keep the tendency toward initial limerence at bay.

What kind of pisses me off to an extent, was I doing well at my job after some destabilizing events (we were downsized and things) and was really starting to be content in my work for the most part for the first time in a long while. Then this new hire just jolts me to another world of mostly misery and new emotional destabilization. It's like God/Universe is testing me for some reason.

Nick
That's exactly what happened to me in my last situation. When I started my one job last winter, I had hopes of being promoted in three months and being able to do the local orientations. Before I know it, I went swiftly from dealing with uninitiated touching from my former coworker to an incident that happened where we both grabbed hands and there was no going back from that. I sometimes wonder if early on I'd just told him to stop touching me as we were still in a pandemic, what might've happened. But I didn't and didn't feel like I could due to his help at work. And these are reasons why I was not ready for a leadership position.

There is a lot of merit in building a life you love. I've found myself slipping back into old patterns, being back in my toxic mother's life and house and dealing with her now aging and needing more of my help and living in a location that I hate, that I left years ago and was never going to return to and my life outlook had improved so much. The stress of my present job certainly adds to it.
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
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