Zsababy wrote: ↑Mon Nov 21, 2022 9:37 pm
No therapy is desperation if it helps. That's what it's there for.
While you may not have had classic trauma like physical or verbal abuse, other things can be traumatic that can be linked, like emotional neglect. Perhaps this connects to the teacher thing as a child? Just throwing it out there.
I think having lots of rejection makes us pretty hungry for acceptance. I think that might be a big thing here. Like for me (it's always about *me*, lol) I had lots of rejection because as a bipolar with bad social skills growing up, I always came on way too strong and generally acted pretty mental & drove men away. It played into my feelings of defectiveness & unlovability. That's why it's extra important to me that my LO, who is famous, doesn't think of me as a crazy, weird fan (it hits too close to home) and that I wish I could impress him as a creative.
We want our LOs to calm our insecurities, sometimes.
This may sound patronizing & like a Freudian cliche, but did you have a good bond with your mom? Was she loving? I'm wondering if this woman has any motherly qualities that appeal. The teacher thing resonates as a parental substitute
I had/have a really healthy relationship with my mother. She was slightly on the anxious-side and maybe overprotective but that's about the worst thing I can say about her.
The teacher thing has me baffled. The level of infatuation and obsession was debilitating. The fact that my feelings at age six are so similar to the feelings I have now (for a younger woman, no less) as an adult is also something I don't understand and sounds slightly insane.
You know, it sounds really strange, but I think there's some kind of magic bullet thing that really ties everything together as far as childhood LE, current LE, overall mental health/severe depression, genetics, upbringing. I feel emotional connections between all these things like there's an obvious link and everything seems so very tied together, but I'm just unable to get out of my own head and sort of put the puzzle together properly.
My therapist is always talking about "scripts" and things of that nature. I seem to be reliving the same routines over and over all through my life and my emotions just take me along the same ride--just seems so repetitive and constant. It's like I'm stuck at a certain level of emotional maturity. My overriding problems of life that I had 20 years ago are exactly the same as they are today. I mean nothing has changed. No progress has been made. I guess the upside is things aren't getting worse but...
Anyway, if I can hang on to next Wednesday, I've got a double session with my therapist. I've got to get some of this down on paper and just unload it on her. Maybe things are happening for a reason. At least I might hit her up for some higher dosages of some of the mind bending stuff I'm currently on.
Thanks for listening.
Nick
Some people claim that there's a woman to blame, but I think it's my own damn fault.