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I Saw Someone Today...

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5666
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

I Saw Someone Today...

Post by JupiterTaco »

It was the friend of my former BPD friend from years ago, who became my off-and-on limerence transference object. I was taking my freight back and was walking past the registers with my cart and he was in front of me and I didn't know. He was walking with a friend and turned around at the last second and he kind of gave me this look, I can't really explain it. I just kind of looked down, pretended I didn't see him and walked on. After I dropped my freight off, I went to the food area to take my break because the store was about to close. The friend was there and was just kind of hanging around like he was waiting for him and then they were gone.

Almost a year ago now, this dude had come to my mind out of the blue like a flash and then didn't leave my mind until literally after Christmas. I really started feeling it, that I would see him somehow. I wasn't really sure how. I just knew it would happen. But it didn't for awhile and I kind of forgot about it. That's kind of why I don't agree that sometimes feelings can come from some spiritual place or whatever.

I actually first saw him probably late last summer, he was at the self-check-out and I don't think he saw me. And I'd looked this guy up years ago and like me, he'd relocated so to see him was kind of surreal even though I told myself I didn't know it was him, it's been years since I've seen him and I'm pretty sure it was him.

Same with last night. He was just there, and I wasn't sure if he recognized me and I was in a hurry so I just kind of looked down and walked away with my freight. I didn't see him again that night. But the look he gave me was stuck in my mind. Whatever takes my mind off my former coworker right? Hahaha...

But it was just a reminder of what being here really entails, especially considering how everything keeps going wrong. With all the people that have moved here, you think I'd start meeting new people right? Not keep coming across the same people where I've been there-done-that, it makes no sense! And I know that was a grievance I had before I ever moved away. These people, these same people...that remind me over and over of who I've set my attention on and have been left alone over and over again and how much it hurts. Why can't I get away from this??? I can't even begin to imagine what a reunion talk would look like with this guy???

Oh, I have no idea what my former friend told you about me. Yes, my grandfather died. Yes I moved to Florida and came back through no wishes of my own. Yes I'm still single and doubt that I will ever trust anybody again! My mother is aging and turning into even more of a crochety old bitch! I got PTSD from car accidents and finally decided after numerous workplace bullying incidents and a sexual assault at that time that I had to leave here or die.

Yes I was homeless after four years of building a life for myself in a new place and plans for a future and working and paying rent during the pandemic. And now I'm back here feeling forced to talk to you because I'm at work. It was just one thing that solidified how I really want to leave again. And the crazy thing is; this thought that someone I was once transference-limerent over could be someone I may run into regularly, shouldn't bother me, but it's a huge deal. I don't want it.
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: I Saw Someone Today...

Post by L-F »

I'm assuming you are no longer limerent, so what's bugging you? Him? Or going back?
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5666
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: I Saw Someone Today...

Post by JupiterTaco »

L-F wrote: Wed Nov 23, 2022 6:14 am I'm assuming you are no longer limerent, so what's bugging you? Him? Or going back?
I worry that I could slip back into that state with him since I'm still trying to move on from former coworker. Would assume there would have to be potential interaction with us for that to happen but anyway. I'll just mind my p's and q's and avoid him. He doesn't appear to use Amazon where I sometimes work so...lol
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: I Saw Someone Today...

Post by L-F »

You are worried about slipping into the rabbit hole? What is it about him that makes you weak at the knees? Looks? Qualities? Similarities to other LO's? Could labeing it help to break the spell?
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5666
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: I Saw Someone Today...

Post by JupiterTaco »

I know in the past, I was definitely silently driven by the idea of not being "good enough" with numerous former LOs, even if they started out liking me first. This particular guy was a transference object from my high school LO. There was nothing that would've made me think that could happen and certainly not him. I actually didn't like this guy that much for awhile in our friend group. He was a year younger than me and I think in high school he had a girlfriend, I didn't really pay attention. My BPD former friend was always putting us to go places together since we lived near each other somewhat. And she had a long history at that point anyway of attempting to play matchmaker with me so I had that trigger with her already despite whatever happened. Me and this guy never had each other's numbers that I was aware of, but he knew where I lived and eventually I knew where he lived also before he'd moved out of his parents' house. Then he shared a house with my friend and several other people for a little while.

I remember every time my friend would slate us to ride somewhere together, I'd silently roll my eyes in my head and think, not this guy again...He had a negative sense of humor which I shared a bit, but still found other things funny other than I guess what could be considered mean humor. I was used to that in my family but strangely that didn't endear him to me. What endeared him to me and suddenly was something completely different.

It was the care he showed me looking after me at a huge New Years Eve punk show one year. Then after that he got really wasted and for a time after that when I saw him he'd be wasted. Other times diligently making sure we both got to our homes at the end of the night. So I guess that some element of that; him showing bits of care in between substance overuse gave me a sense of familiarity with him since that was also the way most of the rest of my family acted.

Nevertheless he became another LO off and on over years; he'd give off hints that he was interested in me in some way and then never really make a move; but my friend was always so vocal when she wanted to get me with somebody and she said nothing about him for a long time and I didn't tell her how I felt about him. And really I was an outlier in the group which was probably another thing that didn't help. It all intersected with my burgeoning silent envy of my friend who played the social ropes and appeared to be a huge social outlet and did what she could to brag about it didn't help the situation.

And every time I'd start getting my mind off of him, my friend would call and then I'd see him again and the stupid cycle would start all over again. I think I knew at some point early on that if I was going to shake it, I'd have to go no contact with him but for years my friend was nice so I didn't want to start trouble. As she got a serious boyfriend (she was also clear that she didn't tell him that she had an STD) she got more know-it-all obnoxious and we had more tension before I finally reached my breaking point and kind of told her off. One thing that happened at that point after months of attempting to get together with me when her boyfriend was going out of town, was that she told me he had a new girlfriend and was just kind of going on about it and then waiting like she expected me to say something (I'd said good for him?) So yeah that situation was strange but even though I missed them in a way, I was relieved it was all over after that.

Long story short I think I worry that after all this time one interaction could take me back to that place without me wanting it to. But maybe not. I wasn't interested in talking to him at all when I saw him. I had a mild shot of discomfort and awkwardness when I saw him, went my own way and it was fine. And when I kept an eye on the situation out of the corner of my eye it was so that I could stay out of sight, take my last break and leave. =))
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: I Saw Someone Today...

Post by L-F »

You know your triggers and the whys, have you considered facing your fears? Such as striking up a conversation in this kind of situation? Because in the bigger scheme of things, you know your stuff but aren't applying it.
Knowledge doesn't equal power unless it's applied.

What strategies do you think you could apply to support your observations? Small steps that won't break/open the emotional floodgates? A smile? A nod of recognition? A full-blown conversation about Punk music? A pat on the back "nice to see you, see ya" quick response? If I were in your shoes and saw LO I'd be scared and would probably hide... But why? Whats there to be afraid of? What and why am I holding myself back from? What can I learn about myself if I face my fears? What's the gutts of these fears? Failure? Rejection? And if they were to happen, do I really care given what I now know?
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5666
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: I Saw Someone Today...

Post by JupiterTaco »

Thanks L-F, stuff to think about!
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: I Saw Someone Today...

Post by L-F »

Yeah but seriously, I'd still hide x_x
So I have to apply this myself. Sadly, highly doubt I'll see her again but did have a dream about her last night which was odd given I'm lucky (or is that unlucky?) to have one once a year, if that. Anyway, I entered a room with one door, to hand something in or speak to someone, can't remember, then she entered the room. I did whatever it was I was there for and went to leave except I headed the opposite direction to the door (didn't know the room).
She laughed and gently guided me (with her arm around me like you would a friend) in the right direction. I felt awkward because I knew she was thinking about my/our past and how I had a crush on her and perhaps I walked in the wrong direction because she had thrown me off-guard. She didn't. I was simply leaving the room because I had done what I came to do. At the end of the day (dream), I felt as though all the history between us had been wiped clean and we got the chance to be ordinary people acting ordinary.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5666
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: I Saw Someone Today...

Post by JupiterTaco »

L-F wrote: Mon Dec 05, 2022 7:52 pm Yeah but seriously, I'd still hide x_x
So I have to apply this myself. Sadly, highly doubt I'll see her again but did have a dream about her last night which was odd given I'm lucky (or is that unlucky?) to have one once a year, if that. Anyway, I entered a room with one door, to hand something in or speak to someone, can't remember, then she entered the room. I did whatever it was I was there for and went to leave except I headed the opposite direction to the door (didn't know the room).
She laughed and gently guided me (with her arm around me like you would a friend) in the right direction. I felt awkward because I knew she was thinking about my/our past and how I had a crush on her and perhaps I walked in the wrong direction because she had thrown me off-guard. She didn't. I was simply leaving the room because I had done what I came to do. At the end of the day (dream), I felt as though all the history between us had been wiped clean and we got the chance to be ordinary people acting ordinary.
That's so interesting. I remember past dreams of former LOs being about feeling rejected and etc. just like in real life I guess. But almost all of the dreams of my former coworker and even my former neighbor, were about me avoiding and/or rejecting them. The mind is interesting.
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5666
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: I Saw Someone Today...

Post by JupiterTaco »

Also, that feeling of wanting to hide would definitely be me with middle school LO. Not being afraid of his judgment or how I would react or whatever but more for me about not wanting to dredge up the past for himself or myself, that seeing me possibly could, but maybe that's just another one of my thinking too much examples. Actually I think I may have seen middle school LO at the park with either his wife or maybe an older daughter one day, but I'm not sure, it's been years since I've seen him. (I'd had a dream at some point before that about seeing him while I was with deceased childhood best friend's brother, who was briefly nice to him but who hated him when we were all kids). Anyway when I saw the guy who looked like him, he was kind of staring at me as they passed and I just kind of walked on. Then I think he may have passed me again alone and I was busy collecting bird feathers.
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
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