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Was it limerence? Please help me understand

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BabyKhloee
Posts: 18
Joined: Wed Nov 30, 2022 2:50 pm
Gender:
Czech Republic

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by BabyKhloee »

I totally agree with you and I also have been dating guys in the past that have been emotionally unavailable so I definitely know the type and how it usually ends. The thing about this one that was different was that he showed zero red flags (apart from not ever talking about his past relationships). Great conversations, always the first to message, asked a lot of questions about me, super sweet and romantic and never, lots of compliments and attention to detail and never crossed the line to turn things sexual (I said from the start that I’m not into one night stands or friends with benefits). He really made me feel special. But when he rejected me and got angry that I called him out on his behaviour suddenly the sweet guy was gone and the messages all of a sudden were cold and blunt.

The thing that I have a problem with is that I’m very empathetic, sometimes even too much. What happens in these situations is hard for me to stand up for myself in situations like these and even if I do, I then start to feel guilty that maybe I have hurt their feelings or that maybe it was uncalled for (like here, I know deep down inside that I did the right thing but then I feel that I made him angry with that). I’m also trying to justify shitty behaviour and telling myself that he was so heartbroken and needed to feel better after his breakup so I should be more understanding but I know that’s bullshit cause a 30 year old man knows what he is doing. That’s a constant struggle in my head but it’s something I had been dealing with for years. People not even saying sorry and acting like victims of their own circumstances and I’m still seeing them as saints who just made a mistake.

I have such a low self esteem for years, I never feel good enough. And then I meet someone like this who makes me feel amazing and appreciated just to be treated like a temporary entertainment.
BabyKhloee
Posts: 18
Joined: Wed Nov 30, 2022 2:50 pm
Gender:
Czech Republic

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by BabyKhloee »

And yeah, I need to write „F*ck that guy!” on a sticky note and keep it on my mirror just as a reminder :D
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by L-F »

I think differently.
We all expect respect and when we're not shown it we all feel let down.
BK's feelings were/are 100% correct no doubt about it.
But what I've noticed with most limerents is their sense of entitlement and level of expectation.
That guy is under no obligation to disclose anything. It is his prerogative whether he discloses, the timing of disclosure, or what he discloses, as it is our prerogative to do the same. It doesn't matter if he broke up a week ago, a month ago, or a decade ago. It's the simple fact he was SINGLE at the time of texting (I'm presuming he was). As you know, the length of time after breaking up is irrelevant given it could take decades to get over someone - just ask any limerent.
Thinking he's a nasty person is the perfect example of projection. Granted I didn't like his choice of words and timing. He could in fact be limerent for his ex. Who here has dated knowing full well they were still limerent? Then decided it was too much too soon when shit got real? All because the heart realized it wasn't fully invested? It takes time to admit the heart plays a role when battling dissonance (head vs heart).


As mentioned above we all expect respect, some demand respect but sometimes it's earned. I don't know the full story because I'm not privy to the messages exchanged.

I do know a true full-blown limerent is likely to be clingy, needy, waiting for any crumb of affection thrown out, over-emotional (less rational), and a hole host of equally narcissistic traits. They/them don't make limerents obsessed and needy. That shit comes from within.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by L-F »

I don't necessarily think you are limerent BabyKhloee, I think you got burned by someone who wasn't in the right headspace.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by Zsababy »

L-F wrote: Fri Dec 02, 2022 9:30 pm I think differently.
We all expect respect and when we're not shown it we all feel let down.
BK's feelings were/are 100% correct no doubt about it.
But what I've noticed with most limerents is their sense of entitlement and level of expectation.
That guy is under no obligation to disclose anything. It is his prerogative whether he discloses, the timing of disclosure, or what he discloses...

Thinking he's a nasty person is the perfect example of projection. Granted I didn't like his choice of words and timing. He could in fact be limerent for his ex. Who here has dated knowing full well they were still limerent? Then decided it was too much too soon when shit got real? All because the heart realized it wasn't fully invested? It takes time to admit the heart plays a role when battling dissonance (head vs heart).


As mentioned above we all expect respect, some demand respect but sometimes it's earned.
How do you mean projection? That would mean that either she or I are nasty people projecting it onto that guy....? ? That's what projection means to me. I think perhaps you mean something else?

I don't think it's entitlement to expect someone who texts you everyday & says they want to meet you that they would be sincere. You would be expecting him to actually want to meet you like he said but no, he basically said nah that's pointless as if he had no intention of doing so in the first place, that it was just a distraction. That's the sticking point here. That was what I was basing my take on, which was admittedly a hot take.

It's another thing, however, if he changed his mind. I don't know how it all went down but I was following BKs version where he was just chatting for distraction and had no intention on meeting her from the start. It's not about him being single, that's not the issue. That's been established. It's about presenting yourself as interested when you're just distracting yourself.

Perhaps my take on him was inaccurate though; I don't know how it transpired.

And I agree that this doesn't sound like limerance at this point, but if she can't let it go then I would say it is

Stating what you're looking for is basic; he didn't state that it seems. He just gave an impression by initiating conversation every day. No, of course you don't need to disclose by when you broke up but if you're not seeking a relationship you should make that clear.
Last edited by Zsababy on Sat Dec 03, 2022 7:29 am, edited 1 time in total.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by Zsababy »

L-F, if you mean that I'm projecting my nastiness on someone else, then I suggest you avoid me in the future. I'm not interested in any 1970s Encounter Group Therapy weirdness; I've got enough going on.

If that's what you're saying, then I have no further interest in communicating with you.
Last edited by Zsababy on Sat Dec 03, 2022 7:33 am, edited 1 time in total.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by Zsababy »

That said, (lol) L-F"s version may also be true. As you reveal more, it does sound like maybe he just changed his mind because he got cold feet. Maybe he was sincere when he said he wanted to meet you but then panicked at the word relationship. I still say he doesn't sound very emotionally intelligent either way though. Like I said before, some people aren't very good at knowing themselves & what they want & articulating it. Personally, that drives me nuts & I have little patience for it as is very obvious, but it's probably more of a deficit of interpersonal skills than anything else. Some people just don't have that skill; it took me ages to understand that. They can hurt you because they don't know what they're doing; like, they're not trying to run you over, they just don't know how to drive the car. I've been on the receiving end of that so many times. Ugh. Hence, FTG 🤣🤣

So, with your low self-esteem thing & feeling like temporary entertainment, think of the car metaphor: he wasn't trying to run you over, he just doesn't know how to drive the car. Perhaps he really did like you but he just doesn't know what the he's doing right now and therefore he's kinda driving haphazardly and you got hit.

Maybe the takeaway is to focus on your low self-esteem and work on ways to feel good about yourself, especially since it just took a big hit. Time for some self-care.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by L-F »

Lol Zsababy... I had to chuckle .
My idea relates to when you date a nasty person and then assume KBs person is the same or similar to the person you dated. They have behaved similarly in part (the part we are told about but ever wonder about the stuff we're not told?) yet are completely different people. Just because one guy is a jerk doesn't mean all guys are jerks. I like to highlight and label poor behavior and not label people as bad. Everyone is capable of changing.
Btw I'm not saying you are nasty. Nor KB! Far from it!

On the topic of narcissism (which seem to be the most popular topic just about everywhere you turn), I came across something interesting when looking up limerence.
(note - this does not relate to you BabyKhloee - posting as it might be of interest in general)

"Histrionic personality disorder (HPD) is a mental health condition marked by intense, unstable emotions and a distorted self-image. The word "histrionic" means "dramatic or theatrical." For people with histrionic personality disorder, their self-esteem depends on the approval of others and doesn't come from a true feeling of self-worth."
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/d ... y-disorder

Not a lot is written about HPD as opposed to NPD. I came across PsychForums which had this disclaimer "For those who have no respect for either this illness or for those who are living with it, please do not enter this forum. Discrimination of Personality Disorders is not tolerated on this site." personally I LOVE this disclaimer and that is why I'm against people making fun of NPD or any personality disorder for that matter because with or without a PD, we're all human.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by Zsababy »

L-F wrote: Sat Dec 03, 2022 10:10 am Lol Zsababy... I had to chuckle .
My idea relates to when you date a nasty person and then assume KBs person is the same or similar to the person you dated. They have behaved similarly in part (the part we are told about but ever wonder about the stuff we're not told?) yet are completely different people. Just because one guy is a jerk doesn't mean all guys are jerks. I like to highlight and label poor behavior and not label people as bad. Everyone is capable of changing.
Btw I'm not saying you are nasty. Nor KB! Far from it!

On the topic of narcissism (which seem to be the most popular topic just about everywhere you turn), I came across something interesting when looking up limerence.
(note - this does not relate to you BabyKhloee - posting as it might be of interest in general)

"Histrionic personality disorder (HPD) is a mental health condition marked by intense, unstable emotions and a distorted self-image. The word "histrionic" means "dramatic or theatrical." For people with histrionic personality disorder, their self-esteem depends on the approval of others and doesn't come from a true feeling of self-worth."
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/d ... y-disorder

Not a lot is written about HPD as opposed to NPD. I came across PsychForums which had this disclaimer "For those who have no respect for either this illness or for those who are living with it, please do not enter this forum. Discrimination of Personality Disorders is not tolerated on this site." personally I LOVE this disclaimer and that is why I'm against people making fun of NPD or any personality disorder for that matter because with or without a PD, we're all human.
Oh whew! I thought you were getting weird on me!!!! I thought "damn, she writes this public praise & now she says I'm evil!! Wtf???? I assumed it was a reference to the fact that I'm a cheater..(.that's a long story...)

I think you mean to say "generalize" then. When you say "project", I take it to mean when someone projects their unacceptable traits onto someone else.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Yes, I do use my negative experiences as reference points. Perhaps I should try to withhold judgement & get details first! I guess that's what they call "active listening"

Whew again. Yeah, I got freaked out & even considered leaving the forum as I felt like I was being castigated for cheating (which, yeah, is totally shitty but I've explained it elsewhere.)

I don't know if we were making fun of NPD, just talking very bluntly. I do have an anger problem (🤣) & it comes out in how harsh I can be.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by Zsababy »

Fun fact: re: PDs, I've been dxd as HPD once (I was manic) and BPD before my bp diagnosis. So yeah, I understand the destructive power of labels. Getting the BPD one was devastating...(although no one else has given it to me since..)
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