BECOME A MEMBER AND EMBRACE EXCLUSIVE ACCESS
Unlock exclusive features and connect with like-minded individuals by upgrading to our premium membership.
As a member, you'll gain access to our members-only forums, where you can:
Engage in meaningful discussions: Read, create, and search all threads and posts, fostering a vibrant community of like-minded individuals.
Establish deeper connections: Utilize our private messaging system to connect with other members on a personal level, fostering meaningful relationships.
Enjoy these benefits and more for just $2.99 per month, payable securely via PayPal.
Membership is flexible, allowing you to cancel anytime without any hassle.
Sign up today and embark on a journey of personal growth and connection. Join our community of passionate individuals and unlock a world of possibilities.

Click https://limerence.net/membership-accoun ... p-checkout

Was it limerence? Please help me understand

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
BabyKhloee
Posts: 18
Joined: Wed Nov 30, 2022 2:50 pm
Gender:
Czech Republic

Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by BabyKhloee »

Hello everyone! I’n new here and I wanted to share my story with high hopes that maybe someone could help me understand the situation I’m in cause my mind is playing tricks on me! :ympray:

Has anyone went through a situation where the limerence happened with someone you met online on a dating app?
The guy I was talking to was showing me a lot of attention and messaged me daily with super flirty messages for two months. I had no doubt in my mind that his interest in me was real and I had the same energy towards him, it felt very mutual. We were only texting, he never suggested a video chat or talking on the phone. Somehow through that daily texting I have developed strong feelings towards him and took his flirting and attention as a sure sign that he feels the same about me and wants to date me. We never met but had plans to meet up soon.

And then one day we talked about toxic relationships and I said something about finally being ready for a good relationship (in general) and he went silent. The next day I messaged him asking if everythings okay (cause we talked everyday so even one day of silence seemed off) and he said that he needs and break from me and that we can’t be talking everyday. After a few days of him „needing a break” he messaged me saying that what he hasn’t told me is that he is currently getting over his ex so he’s only focusing on himself and not looking for anything but I was a good daily distraction from reality during his tough moving on process and it’s better to break it off.

I was so shocked that I messaged back saying that I felt led on and used cause he has not said anything about a recent breakup and that he obviously must have seen that I’m more and more into him so why play that game. He then messaged me back angry saying that he’s sorry that I feel this way, he doesn’t think that he has done anything wrong and that I have read too much into this. He also said that this connection is not worthy of his investment of time and effort cause there is also distance and that there is no point of even meeting up cause me might hate each other in real life. Glad he was honest but I don’t get how someone can keep saying how much he can’t wait to see me and then say that there is no point in meeting up.

Now I am going crazy trying to figure out if maybe I reacted like a crazy person and shouldn’t have said that he used me and led me on. I am overthinking the whole situation trying to figure out if it was a limerence or maybe he just tricked me. The connection over text was amazing, something I havent felt in years and the fact that I didn’t meet him makes it even worse cause I keep being in that „he was so perfect” fantasy. I keep feeling guilty and shameful that I made him angry by accusing him of leading me on but then the next minute I’m telling myself that I’ve been the recepient of these messages for two months straight all day everyday and he knew what he was saying and doing.

Anybody has any tips how to get better and see things more clearly?
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5665
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by JupiterTaco »

I'm sorry that happened to you. Yes, limerence can most definitely be fueled by online interaction, many threads have been posted about that subject on here. Anywhere there's room for hope can inspire limerence. My rule of thumb when I briefly did online dating is that we meet while talking, or we stop talking. No exceptions. That seemed to help, but of course I was always stuck on somebody I knew in real life so it probably didn't matter anyway. =))

Beware of people who come on too strong in the beginning and maybe use some kind of fraction rule when dealing with someone new. If they're complimenting and charming you, are they also making an honest effort to get to know you as a person in a similar fraction? Because excessive charmers (love-bombers) don't. They will not ask questions about you, they only care to manipulate you into whatever they want and at most talk about themselves. Therefore they should not be acting that way and a normal person would question that. Basic human interaction involves two-way conversation. So just keep that in mind for next time and read around here, there's a lot of good information to be had.
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by L-F »

Welcome to the forum BabyKholee! Have a look around, interact on others post, get to know the community and you'll find your answers, because there is a lot of wisdom on here. Again welcome!
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by L-F »

Regarding your situation, my gut feeling is that he realized he did wrong and is pulling out before he hurts you more.

He doesn't sound like a bad person to me, it appears you both jumped on the texting bandwagon with different expectations. I am sorry you got hurt and I guess he is too.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by L-F »

At the same time, he did go about things the wrong way so I hope he learned his lesson!

I also think you did nothing wrong in sharing your feelings. you did good!
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by Zsababy »

I don't know enough about the situation to say if it was limerance but you were spot on in telling him that he led you on and used you. He kinda did. If he had no intention of going anywhere then what's up with every day communication for two months? He got mad, so what? He had no real defense. The guy sounds like a self-centered dick. Of course, I don't know the whole story but...
I think we have to get over this feeling guilty or afraid of making people angry or upset when we call them out on their behavior. I really feel like that's a major tendency for women, to be afraid of upsetting the status quo. You didn't lose anything because he had no intention, so him getting angry didn't change anything.

You were honest and he wasn't. The dude sounds like a douche imho. Again, I don't know what transpired so other factors could be in play also.

I think you were just getting into the excitement of it. The big question is are you stuck on him now? If so, it might be limerance, depending on how long it lasts and how frequently you think of him and so on. This is a good place to work those feelings out.
Sorry this happened to you
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by Zsababy »

And yes, online interactions leave a huge amount of space for the imagination to take over. It's very powerful. The situation you were in was a perfect setting for limerance to settle in.

You'll know it's limerance if you think about him 24/7 and you keep looking for signs that he's interested, and you get a big high from fantasizing about him. That's my version anyway. I think it's normal to think about a potential love interest a lot in the beginning & get butterflies and all that. But it's limerance when the preoccupation goes beyond it's expiration date, when you can't let go and this person feels like a possible soul-mate. Limerance is extremely irrational. If this guy texted you every day, I don't think it was irrational to become involved & preoccupied.

The big question is how much of a problem you have in letting go.
BabyKhloee
Posts: 18
Joined: Wed Nov 30, 2022 2:50 pm
Gender:
Czech Republic

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by BabyKhloee »

Thank you to everyone for support and feedback! I really appreciate it :)

When I was talking to him I had no doubts about the connection. I usually can see some red flags very early on and this time nothing seemed suspicious. I definitely was super excited about the potential of this and I really wanted to meet him and start dating (it things would be as good in real life).

The moment when I started asking myself whether or not this whole thing could be limerence is when he suddenly pulled away and got angry when I told him that I felt used and led on cause I didn’t sign up to be somebody’s distraction from heartbreak. He told me a lot about his family, friends and work but he never talked about any past relationships. That’s why it was quite surprising to hear about the very recent ex. I guess he was just trying to quickly forget about her with me and it didn’t work.

This whole thing happened a month ago and I haven’t talked to him since. I do still think about him cause the connection felt very real to me and it makes me wonder if it would actually feel as great in real life and that maybe I’m missing out on something. I’m trying to tell myself that all that I have seen was what he wanted me to see and he might be different in reality. Like he said during our last conversation: „there’s not point in meeting up cause we might even hate the real life dynamic.” It’s a true and logical statement but coming from someone who kept telling me daily how excited he is to meet me was like a slap in the face.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by Zsababy »

BabyKhloee wrote: Wed Nov 30, 2022 11:38 pm
This whole thing happened a month ago and I haven’t talked to him since. I do still think about him cause the connection felt very real to me and it makes me wonder if it would actually feel as great in real life and that maybe I’m missing out on something. I’m trying to tell myself that all that I have seen was what he wanted me to see and he might be different in reality. Like he said during our last conversation: „there’s not point in meeting up cause we might even hate the real life dynamic.” It’s a true and logical statement but coming from someone who kept telling me daily how excited he is to meet me was like a slap in the face.
Well at the very least, you dodged a bullet. If this guy can't conduct himself openly and put the cards on the table in the beginning, how open, much less considerate, would he be if things got complicated emotionally? Yeah, I don't like this guy lol. He sounds so self-centered & manipulative. So be glad you didn't get more involved with him.

Yes, I'd say what you saw of him was greatly curated. We all put our best face on when meeting new people but if he couldn't come out and just say he's just broken up & isn't looking for anything serious, then he can't be trusted to give you an accurate picture of anything.

He sounds like he has zero emotional intelligence; doesn't know how to assess & discuss where he's at emotionally. Some people just don't develop that skill till late in life and some never at all. He'd be a nightmare to date, I suspect. Just someone who gets their needs met & leaves you to fend for yourself & has a "that's your problem" attitude. I've dated guys like that. They might have fun aspects that you can enjoy short-term or no-strings-attached, but they're definitely not people you want to get involved with. They are huge pains in the ass. FTG 🤣
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by Zsababy »

D'oh! In my elderly confusion, I think I used that acronym wrong. Back in my day (hitching up britches) that meant "f**k that guy"
Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 21 guests