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Was it limerence? Please help me understand

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L-F
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
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Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by L-F »

Your POV would be right Zsababy.
We can only give our own POV and sometimes having a different POV gives us more to think about.
From what I've seen, most (does not mean all) limerents act entitled as if LO owes them something. They don't. No one does. All we can do is recognized poor behavior and steer clear of people who ill-treat us, which I must admit is sometimes hard to do when limerent (I'd love to see more resesrch on this).

BabyKhloee is on to it!
Zsababy wrote: Sat Dec 03, 2022 10:54 am So yeah, I understand the destructive power of labels.
:ymhug: < I think that's a hug emoji or as close as I could find. It sounds like it was a difficult journey.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
BabyKhloee
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Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by BabyKhloee »

I really like that car metaphor, I’ve never heard it before but it actually really fits the situation. I probably was in the wrong place and the wrong time. I do agree that he didn’t have to tell me anything about his love life cause that is his business (especially over text) but saying „hey, I just got out of something” would have been nice cause I did tell him week one that I’m looking for someone to date and that I’m not looking for anything casual or a hookup(we met on a dating app). In my head, someone who keeps the connection going is okay with what I am looking for.

I also agree that we all have the right to change our mind and after some time just decide that we don’t like someone. That would be dissapointing to hear but still better than hearing that all of that was just a distraction from pain after the breakup. Maybe it was just his poor choice of words but it made me feel worthless.
BabyKhloee
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Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by BabyKhloee »

And thank you for all the support and great advice, I really appreciate it! :) It actually makes me feel much better that I can get this off my chest and that I am not being judged for being that heartbroken over someone I haven’t even met in real life.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by Zsababy »

BK, it's cool. Dating can get at our deepest vulnerabilities & if you have a low self-esteem, that's a big one. Feeling rejected or used is very painful, no matter the circumstances. Perhaps this is a good reminder to work on your self-esteem as it will affect your whole life. Maybe that can be the silver lining in this.

This sounds sappy, but I really do think affirmations can help. I used to write out all the things about myself that were positive, no matter how small. If you can't think of anything, maybe start with what you like in life in general (dogs or whatever). Maybe just start with positive features in your life that you're grateful for.

Remember this fact: that even if he was in a mixed-up place, he still found things about you that he liked. Someone else will appreciate those qualities soon enough. He just wasn't the right one. Try to take those positive feelings & chalk the other stuff under "his bad breakup". Maybe he had a really bad breakup on kind of took it out on you. Again, dude doesn't know how to drive the car lol.
JupiterTaco
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Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
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Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by JupiterTaco »

I just want to add that because cluster b parenting seems to be so intertwined with later limerence (sorry to go off-topic, Khloe), as always touched on here, limerence at times comes out as a projection, a way to get what one needs when one oftentimes spent their lives with their needs being buried by their needy caregivers and other close relationships. It's like some primal long-buried need that LO brings out in people. Call it a FLEA or whatever, but it's impossible to come out of dysfunctional parenting without picking up undesirable traits oneself. That's another reason people probably feel so strong an urge to run away and start new with someone else, it's like a compulsion I guess. It doesn't make one a bad person. Society is so set on dividing people into "good" and "bad".
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by L-F »

BabyKhloee wrote: Sun Dec 04, 2022 12:28 am It actually makes me feel much better that I can get this off my chest and that I am not being judged for being that heartbroken over someone I haven’t even met in real life.
I have been heartbroken over someone I never met. Never spoke but did send pics (we were friends of a mutual friend who I have also never met but know well - I've been her confidant for many years - she happens to be a psychotherapist and I was her shoulder to lean on while she was limerent). Anyway, totally totally heartbroken. I'm pretty sure I wasn't limerent, just heartbroken after 6 months of intense messaging. You're not alone and not silly for falling for him.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
BabyKhloee
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Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by BabyKhloee »

How did you get over that and how long did it take? I think that it’s a little easier to move on from people that we have met in real life cause we are able to see their personality, behaviour and what is the dynamic of the connection. It’s harder to move on from people we have never met cause we have this great idea of them in our head of how amazing they are (before it went bad at the end).

I know that the low self esteem and lack of confidence is a big issue for me. I need to work on that cause I can’t keep living like this. I know that it’s not going to change overnight but nobody is going to do the work for me. I will try out affirmations and meditations, I think it’s a good first step :)
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by L-F »

BabyKhloee wrote: Sun Dec 04, 2022 2:20 pm I think that it’s a little easier to move on from people that we have met in real life cause we can see their personality, behavior, and what is the dynamic of the connection.
You bring up a good point BabyKhkoee. For non-limerents, 100%. Things like snoring or eating with one's mouth open right? Deal breakers for me. Limerence is often viewed as a fantasy which in my opinion is wrong because LS are very much aware of any negative traits yet remains limerent. LS are capable of thinking logically, yet remains limerent. So from this perspective, limerence is one's reality, there is no fantasyland.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
BabyKhloee
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Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by BabyKhloee »

In my case, this is the only situation in my life where I was talking to someone online and didn’t meet in real life. I remember that back in 2015 a guy I went to high school with (but never talked to) sent me a friend request on Facebook. Long story short, I ended up talking to him online for months even though he had a girlfriend and didn’t live in my city. During this time I was convinced that he was „the one” and that our connection is „magical”. I was super attracted to him even though he had only one old photo on Facebook. Suddenly he broke up with the girlfriend and we finally met up. He was nothing like I thought he would be! The „magical” connection was boring, we didn’t have much to talk about and I wasn’t even all that attracted to him. I’m very glad that I met him in real life cause I am sure that if it didn’t happen then I would be super convinced that he is still”the one”.

I keep reminding myself of that story when I think about my current situation and I start thinking about what could have happened if we did meet in real life or reconnect in the future cause life has a funny way of bringing people back to me when I don’t care about them anymore or start dating somebody else. =))
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by L-F »

Well BabyKhloee, I'm glad you can laugh :D Thats a good sign! And you are right, meeting someone in person can be a reality shock.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
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