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Was it limerence? Please help me understand

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BabyKhloee
Posts: 18
Joined: Wed Nov 30, 2022 2:50 pm
Gender:
Czech Republic

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by BabyKhloee »

I’m doing my best not to let it get the best of me and some days are easier than others but overall letting go and moving on for an overthinker like me is always a challange.
Significant other
Posts: 138
Joined: Tue Apr 06, 2021 11:09 pm
Gender:
Age: 57
Spain

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by Significant other »

BabyKhole :
An interaction without a spoken word, without gestures, filters the unconscious, it is never an authentic complete relationship.
It is a fantasy and his loss.
You've already been through this many times, when you mature, when you become independent from your parents, when you choose or change jobs, etc...
Trust yourself and go your way.
BabyKhloee
Posts: 18
Joined: Wed Nov 30, 2022 2:50 pm
Gender:
Czech Republic

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by BabyKhloee »

Yes, you are absolutely right. We can only see the truth about a connection when we interact in real life. I wish that I could be one of these people who can just start getting to know someone or dating someone for exactly who they are and not put them on a pedestal or making them important in my head before they even deserve it.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by Zsababy »

Sometimes that desire & tendency to idealize people comes from wanting someone to fill a void in your life or fix your problems. For me, it's boredom, lack of creative collaboration & an unfulfilling sex life. For you, you might be looking for a perfect person to affirm you, create fun & happiness or fix your life. Sometimes it's helpful to try to figure out what need that person represents & try to address that issue.

If you have low self-esteem, you might want to try therapy & see where that comes from & how to work on it.
BabyKhloee
Posts: 18
Joined: Wed Nov 30, 2022 2:50 pm
Gender:
Czech Republic

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by BabyKhloee »

I’ve noticed that I’m going through the same cycle for a few years now. When I’m single I enjoy my work, time with family and friends, I prioritize myself and take care of my needs and generally just feel more at peace but when I’m starting to talk to someone new and I see that interest being reciprocated I just slowly lose myself in this situation, put this person on a pedestal and get attached. It probably does come from my low self esteem, not feeling like I’m worthy of being loved and past hurts. Even though I’ve been dating since I was 16 (I’m 31 now) I have never been in a relationship that lasted more than a few months and no one has ever said that they loved me. Maybe I do somehow attract emotionally unavailable people but it’s probably because I am not fully emotionally available either in ways that I might not see myself.

I feel like I am aware of this pattern of behaviour and when I’m single I see it clearly but then I meet someone new and I become blind and think to myself that „this time is going to be different” and I end up hurt just like always. My last situation with that guy I was talking to online showed me that I need to break this cycle. I was so sure that his interest in me was real and mutual that I never questioned it and I should have cause there’s nothing wrong with being cautious after being hurt in the past.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by Zsababy »

Well at least you have an opportunity to break this cycle now that you're learning about limerance. Not that it will be easy; I still get my highs but this place keeps me from doing anything stupid.

I'm repeating myself but that guy probably did like you but it was just the wrong time for him and he handled it badly.

And in general, often times people respond to us based on how we feel about ourselves; it's like they pick up the scent. It's probably facial expressions, body language, voice, etc. I know when I was depressed and anxious I got treated like crap by almost everybody. When I doubted myself & was anxious, customers & people at my store treated me like shit over the tiniest things- they implied I was stupid even when I was totally right. I am convinced that there is something about insecurity which provokes condescension and disrespect. Now that I'm confident, people treat me much differently. It is true that I make less mistakes at work, but I'd get yelled at when I was totally right because I doubted myself. Then I doubted myself even more and my self-esteem got lower. It's a very vicious, undermining cycle.

I'm wondering if that's a pattern you have with relationships. Low self-esteem brings a negative response, then you get rejected and you feel even worse about yourself. I can relate to that pattern in every aspect of my life
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by L-F »

Ever notice when some speak confidently no one questions them, even if they're talking rubbish? It happens everywhere. People, in general, tend to fall at confident speakers' feet, for example, cult leaders, politicians, lawyers, motivational speakers, etc.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by Zsababy »

L-F wrote: Fri Dec 09, 2022 6:20 pm Ever notice when some speak confidently no one questions them, even if they're talking rubbish? It happens everywhere. People, in general, tend to fall at confident speakers' feet, for example, cult leaders, politicians, lawyers, motivational speakers, etc.
I'd say some people's bullshit detectors are better than others. Much of the world has questioned the idiocy of a certain egomaniacal former president, but uninformed people sometimes swallow his crap. Also, there are some people who really crave an Alpha type and they find that secure & consoling even if that Alpha type is an oaf.

But yes, confident people get less backtalk overall.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by L-F »

True Zsababy, but I do wonder if those that seemingly follow blindly or are blindly led, are buying into it because it (whatever is being shared) relates to one's true inner compass? For example, if I dislike candy and the candyman persuades me to follow him, is it trickery or my underlying subconscious desire for candy?
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Was it limerence? Please help me understand

Post by Zsababy »

Can be, but I think sometimes it comes to blind following & trust in someone who presents themselves as authoritative
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