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A story of my limerence, 6 months no contact, and I am feeling ill !!

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LJT
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Dec 03, 2022 9:30 pm
Gender:
Great Britain

A story of my limerence, 6 months no contact, and I am feeling ill !!

Post by LJT »

Hi everyone

I am new to this forum, so I apologies if I am rambling on. I am a 35 year old male, and i am hoping someone can relate to this, and possibly give me some advice on my ongoing limerance and my self-imposed NC with my LO (which is making me feel ill)

I have suffered all throughout my life with low self esteem - largely because I am short (5"4), and women have not given me much attention. I physically try to keep fit, and I would not consider myself "bad" looking, but I was never someone who women gravitated towards. As a result, I have tended to avoid/being scared of relationships, although I had a couple of short term girlfriends in my late teens early 20's. I have a good career, what I am proud of, but extremely limited experience with the opposite sex - romantically and sexually!

Since been a child, I have always obsessed over people, and built up a fantasy relationship (with these people) in my head. I would never act on this, nor would anyone know. I now know this this to be limerence!

I had (very short lived) relationships in my late teens, early 20's, I was "dumped" for being too clingy. Looking back, I can understand why my "dumpers" took this course of action... I was very needy!. I would probably say I have an anxious preoccupied attachment style. Needless to say, I have avoided relationships since - possibly due to fear of rejection.

Right, lets get back to my story of limerence...

A woman started working in my team (in the same profession as myself) about 4.5 years ago. She is about 4 years younger than me. I immediately found her attractive (and these feelings never went away), however, I did not have any feelings of limerence at this point. I think this was because I believed she had no interest in me at the time - even as a friend or acquaintance. We did not have a reason to talk to each other at this stage.

She also went on to have 2 children with her long term boyfriend (they are still together) - I think her kids are age 2 and 4

Fast forward to July 2021, we were asked to work on a "case" together. I felt we immediately connected (on a social level) and I found her easy to talk to. Conversation flowed, and we had the same sense of humour. We laughed together, like I have not laughed in ages. She would give long eye contact when speaking, and a friendly touch on my arm when she was joking with me. She would instigate text conversations, and would always approach me first to talk and have a laugh in the office.

Of course, I know she was just been friendly (as many women are!), but needless to say, the feelings of limerence became out of control. When I was with her, I felt like I was drunk (in a good way), my brain chemicals were on overload.

If I did not see her for a few days - I would get irritable and depressed. If she was not giving me as much attention (as I would like), my mood would be low. If she did not text/email/WhatsApp me for more than a week I would become angry.

Of course, the rational side of me knows that I am not entitled to this level of communication or attention - she is only a work colleague, she has a (tall good looking, long term) boyfriend, and children.

However, from July 2021 until May 2022, the feelings of limerence just intensified. I thought about her every day, all the time. Whatever I did, I always had her in mind - such as ensuring I dressed good, had an impressive WhatsApp photo, and replayed our conversations. When I saw her at work, my heart rate increased and I could not concentrate.

It got to the stage when I was feeling poorly due to this. I never told her or anyone else how I felt. I never acted "creepy" or "clingy" around her. It was actually exhausting to keep these feelings at bay.

My feelings of anger towards her intensified when she referred to me as "mate" and "pal" in a few text messages. I started to think that maybe she knew I liked her all along and she was calling me "mate" and "pal" to "shoot me down" or "put me in my place". This caused me to have feelings of resentment.

Fortunately, around this time, I had opportunity to be seconded to a new team at work (but working in the same organisation). This meant that I did not have to see her and I did not have to work in the same office.

It has now been 6 months since I have last spoken to. I have blocked her on my (personal) mobile and WhatsApp - which is good, because it means I am not checking my phone for messages from her. It helps "starve" the connection and have a sense of "distance"

I am, however, still thinking about her all the time. Thinking about what she is doing. I feel like I am a shell, with nothing exciting in my life. I am becoming reclusive, and physically hate myself and my appearance.

I sometimes feel like disclosing my feelings to her, but I know the risks are high. At the very least, I want to "get her back", undermine, or belittle her somehow... just so she can feel how I feel.

Can anyone offer advice or views???

Thanks for reading
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: A story of my limerence, 6 months no contact, and I am feeling ill !!

Post by Zsababy »

First, welcome! I think you'll find this a good place to explore these issues.

Second, good on you for owning your anger & resentment. Not everybody does that; it's easier to demonize and blame the LO.

If I'm following you correctly, it's been roughly 10-15 years since you've had a relationship? That's a long time; I'm so sorry. I can see where you would have a lot of pent-up desires & needs.

My first thought is, do you see a therapist? I think it would be good to have someone help you work on your self-esteem so that eventually you can move on to a real relationship. You sound like you have written yourself off. Given your insightfulness & self-control, I'd say that you'd be a good candidate for getting a lot out of therapy. You don't sound like a complainer & a blamer, so there's a start.

Don't assume that because you're shorter that you can't get anybody; I'm 5'4" and I'd say half my partners were my height. My current BF is slightly shorter than me. We've been together 14 years. Try not to focus on shortcomings, but on strengths. Don't write yourself off! We've all been rejected & dumped at some point. Even beautiful people have been dumped; don't subconsciously assume it's just you because you're flawed. We're all flawed.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: A story of my limerence, 6 months no contact, and I am feeling ill !!

Post by Zsababy »

PS I would seriously *NOT* disclose your feelings to her. You will only feel terrible when she doesn't reciprocate and backs away. You may be clinging to a hope that she'll return your feelings---limerance is all about that hope--but don't give in to that urge. You'll feel rejected and embarrassed. David has a video on disclosure and it addresses this. I don't have a link but I'll see if I can dig it up.

If I were in your position, I would find some sort of project to jump into to channel my energy & keep myself out of trouble.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: A story of my limerence, 6 months no contact, and I am feeling ill !!

Post by L-F »

LJT wrote: Sat Dec 03, 2022 10:23 pm It was actually exhausting to keep these feelings at bay.
It is exhausting isn't it.
Welcome to the forum!
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Rezz
Posts: 10
Joined: Mon Oct 31, 2022 3:31 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: A story of my limerence, 6 months no contact, and I am feeling ill !!

Post by Rezz »

Zsababy wrote: Sun Dec 04, 2022 6:36 am PS I would seriously *NOT* disclose your feelings to her. You will only feel terrible when she doesn't reciprocate and backs away. You may be clinging to a hope that she'll return your feelings---limerance is all about that hope--but don't give in to that urge. You'll feel rejected and embarrassed.
I can 100% agree to this as someone who did just that with my LO. It did not help things at all, but to my defense, my LO ended up being a covert narcissist (or at the least had narcissistic traits). Regardless, don't do it.
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5664
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: A story of my limerence, 6 months no contact, and I am feeling ill !!

Post by JupiterTaco »

The fact that you want to get revenge of sorts should tell you everything. Not a healthy connection. Step away from it, not closer. Also my former coworker and at least another of my former LOs were what could be considered short by guy standards (everybody's taller than me so...)
"Men are fooled so easily. Women wrelike spiders. They'll pull you into their webs and...wrap you up so tight you can hardly breathe," Griselda Blanco, Cocaine Godmother
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: A story of my limerence, 6 months no contact, and I am feeling ill !!

Post by Zsababy »

I would not think of her calling you pal or mate as a way to put you in your place, or in a put down kind of way. She might just really talk like that or perhaps she was just trying to protect your feelings before you got attached.

Did you have any rejecting experiences with your parents? Many times limerant patterns have roots in our parental bonding experiences. Perhaps there is some residual anger there.
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