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how bad? my story...

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LongRoad
Posts: 6
Joined: Mon Dec 19, 2022 9:45 pm
Sweden

Re: how bad? my story...

Post by LongRoad »

David wrote: Sun Dec 25, 2022 5:56 am Welcome

Sounds like limerence - driven by the intermittent reinforcement you describe so clearly that is so common with addiction. Interesting how social media reinforces this with what LF describes. SM is the devil's food for limerence.
hi, thank you for answering
Yes, it is probably true that without SM the whole thing wouldn't have started. Maybe she would have given me her phone nr, would have maybe exchanged a few texts but somewhen it would have ended.
The fact that she keeps showing up at times, specially if I have been ignoring her for a while, starts it all again and again.
I think I will post my stories to close friends for a while, then there is no danger that she will view one and I won't be waiting for her to do that. I "just" need to stick to me not viewing hers...
We each have to work our own way through limerence. The main thing I observe, is that for people that choose to self reflect and do some inner work, significant grow occurs. I could give lots of other advice here, im not sure I would have taken much of this myself 13 years ago whilst I was wallowing in my own early days of limerence.
Any advice is welcome :-)
I am pretty lost and probably there are things I could do that I do not even think of...
LongRoad
Posts: 6
Joined: Mon Dec 19, 2022 9:45 pm
Sweden

Re: how bad? my story...

Post by LongRoad »

Zsababy wrote: Sun Dec 25, 2022 1:06 pm I don't have any solutions, but my first thought is about how you said you were "mobbed" (I assume this is a kind of bullying) at school and this experience at the fair was like that. Perhaps you could start with some kind of healing for that initial traumatic experience. Maybe that's why you are fixating on solving the riddle of "why".

Maybe journalling out your feelings &/or seeing a therapist would help.
Hi
thank you for your answers.

Yes, bullying. I never thought I should get therapy for that, it lasted a couple of months until I went back to my old school.
I rarely think of it, but the events with her triggered something burried deep down that maybe I should look at.
The pattern was similar but in a longer period. I had a couple of "summer friends" and they were going to another school. When I ended elementary to start high school they told me to join theirs (instead if going on in the same one with my school friends, probably different school system where I lived than in the USA). I insisted to my parents and I enrolled there. To my surprise, once I was at that school, the "summer friends" behaved different, I had the feeling I didn't fit in the school and eventually for whatever reason (I was uncool?) they stopped talking to me, avoiding me etc. I finally told my parents I wanted to leave and luckily, my old school took me back.

With my LO, now that I think of it, it was similar. She gave me her IG, said to say hi next day at the fair and then at the fair she behaved totally different, the first time she looked away / avoided me simply brought back that school events and my body simply blocked itself, had a beginning of a panik attack.

I simply don't understand (yet) why my brain keeps wanting to stay in touch with her or mend things...or find out why

Maybe it opened a wound that didn't heal properly and I should focus on that past events, maybe it did and does affect me more than I think...

Thank you for this 🙏
David
Site Admin
Posts: 3859
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
Location: London UK
Gender:
Age: 64
Great Britain

Re: how bad? my story...

Post by David »

One of the things I heard recently was the men tend to overestimate cues of attraction from women and women tend to underestimate cues of attraction from men. There is some evolutionary adaptation going on here.

Reflecting back on my own condition. Likely that LO was just being friendly.
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
LongRoad
Posts: 6
Joined: Mon Dec 19, 2022 9:45 pm
Sweden

Re: how bad? my story...

Post by LongRoad »

Zsababy wrote: Sun Dec 25, 2022 1:12 pm As for the weirdness, I think it may be because you're unavailable and this other person has mixed feelings, or is confused or ambivalent, etc. They probably just don't know what to think, what your intentions are and so forth and so are doing a push-pull thing. (If that makes sense). Maybe they told their friends this and they advised to stay away as you are spoken for and this triggered your memories of school days.
Of all possible scenarios or possible answers I found myself to why she did that and avoided me, I didn't think of the possibility of her developing feelings.
But a couple of people told me the same. I still cannot believe it, but well, it could be I guess. She did behave different than in previous stays at the spa and encounters.
I also remember in one session she asked how my "friend" (=SO, she knows her from treatments too) and I met, after telling her, she said she thought we were colleagues, I said nope and that's it.
She doesn't "officially" know we are together, due to idiotic events in the past, we sometimes aren't out in certain places, but she may have guessed/understood in that moment.
So yes, it could explain her weirdness, still not quite sure why she gave me her IG to stay in touch if she didn't want to, but yes, could be that first she thought it's a good idea and then her friends told her it was not.

In my negative scenarios I try to picture her as some kind of evil that did it on purpose, teased me and all that to then hurt me on purpose. This doesn't help to get over her either 🤣😅

And it was probably a bad idea. I do not know what would have happened if we had met at the fair and talked normally for a short while. Then we would both have gone on with our lives, maybe would have written a couple of texts, reacted to some IG stuff but that's it. I doubt we would have arranged to meet. We do not know each other that much and it would be weird due to the "professional" or patient/therapist relationship.
(and I surely do not want to cheat or leave my SO or anything like that!)

Thanks for this too, it helped to put things in another perspective.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: how bad? my story...

Post by L-F »

David wrote: Sun Dec 25, 2022 9:22 pm It’s a very crude way of telling us which part of the brain lights up in these conditions, but beyond that little else.
That's my point, David. I'm referring to all studies on infatuated brains. "a crude way of telling us which part of the brain lights up", "beyond that little else". That's why Im not sold on neuroscience. If done on a limerent brain then my ears would perk up. But, something tells me it will be exactly as you said - information of little value. What do neuroscientists expect to do with that information? Create drugs to stop that part of the brain from working? Cut it out? Shock treatment?


Having said that, Im enjoying this article, thanks for sharing. One big takeaway from it, and something I've asked on here, which might be of interest to limerents given I'd say a majority of us cyberstalk (check social media for updates, etc, regarding LO)... is that if it is "... without victim awareness, no crime of stalking is committed. This eliminates the inappropriate application of the word "stalking"... "Unwanted pursuit and sustained fear in the victim are the sine qua non of stalking." Meloy, J. R., & Fisher, H. (2005). Some thoughts on the neurobiology of stalking. Journal of forensic sciences, 50(6), 1472–1480.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
David
Site Admin
Posts: 3859
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
Location: London UK
Gender:
Age: 64
Great Britain

Re: how bad? my story...

Post by David »

L-F wrote: Mon Dec 26, 2022 5:29 am [What do neuroscientists expect to do with that information? Create drugs to stop that part of the brain from working? Cut it out? Shock treatment?

That made me laugh, yes, anything to make a buck.
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
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