BECOME A MEMBER AND EMBRACE EXCLUSIVE ACCESS
Unlock exclusive features and connect with like-minded individuals by upgrading to our premium membership.
As a member, you'll gain access to our members-only forums, where you can:
Engage in meaningful discussions: Read, create, and search all threads and posts, fostering a vibrant community of like-minded individuals.
Establish deeper connections: Utilize our private messaging system to connect with other members on a personal level, fostering meaningful relationships.
Enjoy these benefits and more for just $2.99 per month, payable securely via PayPal.
Membership is flexible, allowing you to cancel anytime without any hassle.
Sign up today and embark on a journey of personal growth and connection. Join our community of passionate individuals and unlock a world of possibilities.

Click https://limerence.net/membership-accoun ... p-checkout

Is it limerence? 6 month break but still not over LO? Please help me understand

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
Tmblwd
Posts: 9
Joined: Sat Jan 07, 2023 8:24 am
Gender:
Germany

Is it limerence? 6 month break but still not over LO? Please help me understand

Post by Tmblwd »

Hey there! I only found out about limerence a day ago and as the title says I'm struggling on determining whether my situation is related to being a lemirent or whether it's something else.

Basically I've been obsessed with a celebrity for about 5 years now, constantly making up fantasies in my mind and imagining specific activities with them several times a day. There are no specific times for this, I do it in the morning, on the way to work, before sleep and somewhere in between. I never really thought much of it as it started when i was still in my teenage years but now I'm worried that it might be more than just a "normal" obsession.
I get that everyone daydreams to some extent but I've talked to a friend about this and she told me it's completely unhealthy. I go to these fantasies for comfort and happiness, but also for pain. When I'm in a good mood I think of all the things I want to do with LO (I think that's the term, please correct me if I'm wrong!), but when I'm not feeling too well I think of things with LO that I know will hurt me.

I'm aware that I fantasize more than the average person and I've felt guilty about it for as long as I can remember. Once I realized how bad it was for me I decided to not consume any content related to LO for about 6 months, but I've gone back to the obsession after stumbling upon content on accident. Now that I'm back to old habits I'm trying to make sense of it all to start getting better in handling this situation.


I will continue my research but I wanted to ask the community for advice too in case I'm missing something. I know that there's no way to give a definite answer but I would like to avoid jumping to any conclusions and thought I would ask here for some insight.
I'm relating to most of the things I've been able to find out through research but I'm hesitant because most LOs are people actively present in your life and because I've taken that "break". So would this still be limerence if there was a time where LO wasn't really a part of my mind, but now is again? Is it still limerence if my LO isn't physically present in my life?

I've been struggling with such feelings a lot and I'm really wanting to understand what's going on, please help me.

Please excuse any grammar or writing mistakes as English isn't my first language. Thank you so much in advance!
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Is it limerence? 6 month break but still not over LO? Please help me understand

Post by Zsababy »

Welcome!

I too am limerant for a celebrity and for me it definitely fits the definition because of two major points:
1. The person is unavailable - the most unavailable person ever is the celebrity! You can pine for them from afar and never deal with messy realities of a real relationship.
2. The thoughts of them are often involuntary and constant.
3. It's extremely escapist.

It's a little tough for me to say exactly how unhealthy my obsession is because much of my fantasies are sexual & I'm kind of a sex-hound lol. And I became limerant for someone I slept with and had constant sexual fantasies about him, too. For me, some of it has to do with my high sex drive which is exacerbated by my bipolar illness which brings hypersexuality and looping thoughts.

The constant nature for me is dysfunctional & it definitely relieves boredom but it keeps me from being productive. It also disconnects me from reality, which is how I've been as long as I can remember- disconnected much of the time. That can't be very healthy, but life bores me a lot but the substitution of fantasy prevents me from doing the work to make my life more exciting.

I don't want to sound judgemental, but I would say it most definitely is unhealthy if you know you are fantasizing also to consciously avoid pain. It's the same as the person with depression or trauma using chemicals to numb their pain- an addiction.

Most of us limerants have limerance due to traumatic relationship patterns in early years. I would definitely get a therapist if you don't have one already. It's probably time to face that pain. There are techniques you can learn to manage emotional pain from something called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). It may be helpful to you; I'm re-learning it now for other issues.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Is it limerence? 6 month break but still not over LO? Please help me understand

Post by Zsababy »

PS I wouldn't focus too much on labelling the behavior as pathological. It doesn't sound like you're a stalker or anything, just an addict to fantasy, like I am. It's a very embarrassing problem to have, fixating on a celebrity, but I'm finding in various limerance groups that it's more common than I thought.

I'd focus on the positive part that you're taking the first steps toward dealing with your issues. Pay yourself on the back for that because it's not easy to face our stuff sometimes.
Tmblwd
Posts: 9
Joined: Sat Jan 07, 2023 8:24 am
Gender:
Germany

Re: Is it limerence? 6 month break but still not over LO? Please help me understand

Post by Tmblwd »

Zsababy wrote: Sat Jan 07, 2023 9:01 am PS I wouldn't focus too much on labelling the behavior as pathological. It doesn't sound like you're a stalker or anything, just an addict to fantasy, like I am. It's a very embarrassing problem to have, fixating on a celebrity, but I'm finding in various limerance groups that it's more common than I thought.

I'd focus on the positive part that you're taking the first steps toward dealing with your issues. Pay yourself on the back for that because it's not easy to face our stuff sometimes.
Thank you so much for the reply and the warm welcome!

It's really interesting to see how different every situation is, using ones fantasy to make life more exciting would explain many things for me as well. About the sexual aspect... I'm not sure if it's that way for me honestly. Most thoughts are definitely intimate but I can't really recall having any sexual ones except for maybe 2 or 3 times. I can totally see why that would make it difficult for you to judge your situation past a specific degree.

It's okay to be judgemental! I specifically asked for opinions and views on my situation so I'm glad your are being honest! I agree that it's unhealthy, but isn't any obsession at some point? That's what I struggled with, I'm not sure if I'm taking things to far and giving them more meaning than there actually is, or if my situation might really be related to being a limerent. I guess I still have a lot to learn.


A therapist is something I've been wanting to look into for the longest time, unfortunately my current environment and financial situation makes it a but hard to actually connect to one. However it's one of the things I definitely have to and want to do as soon as possible. I haven't heard of DBT before so I will make sure to look into that as well! From the first view it does seem like something that could really help me at least as a start. Thank you so much for mentioning it!

I'm not a stalker, don't worry! If celebrities on here aren't as uncommon I will check it out further, it's a relief to know I'm not alone with this. I think I can finally say I feel understood.


Maybe you are right, I've often been told that acceptance is the requirement for change. Next step is getting my stuff together after facing it. Thank you so much for the encouragement and the kind words.


Wishing you a lot of luck and success in relearning and solving other issues you might have. Thank you again!
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Is it limerence? 6 month break but still not over LO? Please help me understand

Post by L-F »

Welcome to the forumTmblwd!

I'm curious to know more about your situation. I have highlighted words that has me scratching my head and wondered if you could expand a bit more? If you don't mind sharing that is
Tmblwd wrote: Sat Jan 07, 2023 8:32 am I go to these fantasies for comfort and happiness, but also for pain. When I'm in a good mood I think of all the things I want to do with LO (I think that's the term, please correct me if I'm wrong!), but when I'm not feeling too well I think of things with LO that I know will hurt me.
Again, welcome!
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Tmblwd
Posts: 9
Joined: Sat Jan 07, 2023 8:24 am
Gender:
Germany

Re: Is it limerence? 6 month break but still not over LO? Please help me understand

Post by Tmblwd »

L-F wrote: Sat Jan 07, 2023 9:59 pm Welcome to the forumTmblwd!

I'm curious to know more about your situation. I have highlighted words that has me scratching my head and wondered if you could expand a bit more? If you don't mind sharing that is
Tmblwd wrote: Sat Jan 07, 2023 8:32 am I go to these fantasies for comfort and happiness, but also for pain. When I'm in a good mood I think of all the things I want to do with LO (I think that's the term, please correct me if I'm wrong!), but when I'm not feeling too well I think of things with LO that I know will hurt me.
Again, welcome!

Thank you for the welcome!

I don't mind sharing more, though I'm unsure what you would like to know more about. Are you interested in the reason on why I do it or just what kind of things I tend to think of in those moments?

As for the reason, I believe it stems from me not really liking myself and my thoughts. Whenever I notice how often I think about LO or in what way I do it, I feel ashamed of my thoughts and my desires. So fantasies that comforted me previously, I would replace with ones that would serve to 'punish me' for my actions and thoughts. I believe that the way I feel about LO isn't alright. I'm convinced he would despise me if he knew.

So when I'm feeling like that and I'm in a bad state of mind, current fantasies and thoughts usually reflect that. What used to be comforting to me is now replaced by me imagining how LO would react if he knew. I think of him hating me, him being disgusted. How much of a disgrace I am to him and how I'm causing him harm by my existence alone.
I talked to a friend of mine about it once, she called it self-sabotaging. However I'm more leaning towards it being an unusual way for me to correct my behavior. She told me I should just leave the hurtful thoughts and stick to the ones that make me happy. But I'm struggling with the concept of only enjoying the good things about something and purposefully avoiding the negative consequences. An obsession isn't a good thing, especially not in such extent. So it wouldn't be fair for me to enjoy it, without being punished for my wrong doings.

I'm aware that objectively it probably doesn't make sense, but it has been like this for as long as I can remember.
One day I'm happy with myself and my thoughts, but when I notice that feeling like this about LO isn't a worry to the current me I start to think of more hurtful things related to him. After a while of seeking the pain, at that point I try to convince myself it's not that bad since in the end it might only be a form of love (just a bit too much of it). I start to believe I can be happy with it. But when I'm happy again? My mind tends to go back to the hurtful fantasies after a while. It's almost like a cycle.

Sort of like:
I'm allowed to be happy -> I can be happy, but it's not okay to feel like this about someone -> since it's not okay to feel like this, I shouldn't be happy, I'm a bad person -> Bad people have to be punished, I don't deserve good things -> Since I know it's a bad thing, maybe that doesn't make me too much of a bad person, since I'm aware of my situation -> Maybe it's okay for me to be happy sometimes -> I'm allowed to be happy

And then it starts all over again. I'm not sure if that's the exact pattern, but this describes it quite well I think. I'm going through that at least once a week, I can feel good or at least okay about my situation on one day and during the same night of that day it can spiral towards all the hateful things. After the next day I'm usually okay for the most part.


I'm not sure if this answer the question you might have had? Or maybe I'm just spitting nonsense, I don't know (I'm sorry, it's almost 2am here). Part of me knows this is completely irrational behavior on my part, the other half is convinced that this makes sense..
If there's anything you would still like to know that I missed mentioning, please feel free to ask.
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5666
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Is it limerence? 6 month break but still not over LO? Please help me understand

Post by JupiterTaco »

I'd be a little more worried if you were actually stalking or insistent on meeting this person. I can't add anything that hasn't already been said. I can add a funny story of my limerence with a celebrity though. He wasn't terribly well-known but he had a Facebook and no fan page. I wasn't limerent when I friended him, just years before that. Anyway I got to hear way too much of his personal life on there. It helped. =))
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
Tmblwd
Posts: 9
Joined: Sat Jan 07, 2023 8:24 am
Gender:
Germany

Re: Is it limerence? 6 month break but still not over LO? Please help me understand

Post by Tmblwd »

JupiterTaco wrote: Sun Jan 08, 2023 5:33 am I'd be a little more worried if you were actually stalking or insistent on meeting this person. I can't add anything that hasn't already been said. I can add a funny story of my limerence with a celebrity though. He wasn't terribly well-known but he had a Facebook and no fan page. I wasn't limerent when I friended him, just years before that. Anyway I got to hear way too much of his personal life on there. It helped. =))
Surprisingly it's quite the opposite! I haven't met him yet and him living in another country would make it really hard to do so anyway. I do want to meet him though at one point but I'm aware that it's not my place to. I also think I would feel too guilty about it. If I ever were to have the chance, i would probably try to attend an event that would make it hard to actually interact, so it would be more of a way for me to see him irl but without any interaction from either side.

About your story, it's always nice to hear other people's experiences. Feel free to share more if you like.
I guess that's true about celebrities, we don't really know them except for what they choose to show us. I would love to hear more personal things about my LO but who knows, maybe it would help me if I heard too much as well. I'm glad it worked for you!
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Is it limerence? 6 month break but still not over LO? Please help me understand

Post by L-F »

It's quite normal to feel ashamed for being limerent or having limerent thoughts. No judgment from me.
I understand self-sabotage but have never heard of anyone having anti-fantasies, so to speak. This of course doesn't disqualify you from being limerent but it does add yet another layer to the puzzle. What I mean by that is, limerence is often viewed as a wake-up call to something not going to plan in our lives in order to live authentically. Having anti-fantasies, IMO, is more about what you are doing to yourself and why, which you have identified. I am assuming punishing yourself for various deeds/thoughts isn't something new to you. In other words, it's not limerence related but something you've always done?
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Tmblwd
Posts: 9
Joined: Sat Jan 07, 2023 8:24 am
Gender:
Germany

Re: Is it limerence? 6 month break but still not over LO? Please help me understand

Post by Tmblwd »

L-F wrote: Sun Jan 08, 2023 12:34 pm In other words, it's not limerence related but something you've always done?
I'm not sure actually, I know I haven't had the best relationship with myself in general even before this but except for the occasional self-deprecating thoughts I wouldn't say I actively punished myself for anything. All I know that in the past 5 years it was almost always related to this 'obsession'. If it wasn't related to it then I still used LO in order to hurt so I honestly don't know.
I will definitely look further into it though, thank you!
Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 21 guests