Groomed to be limerent

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
L-F
Posts: 4054
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Groomed to be limerent

Post by L-F »

JupiterTaco wrote: Wed Jan 11, 2023 3:06 pm I'd wager that gaslighting is as rare as any other type of abuse added up which means it would be quite common.
:-?? Common or uncommon lol?

I'd say if, within families, it's common, but then it's kind of watering it down. I think what Zsababy and I are saying, and correct me if im wrong Zsabsby, is that it's an overused term for when people want to project, as opposed to being in the hands of a psychopathic abuser who uses psychological manipulation with intent and on purpose with full awareness of what they are doing because they have an end goal to warp someone's reality to wear them down mentally and emotionally. That's pretty intense!
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Zsababy
Posts: 451
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Groomed to be limerent

Post by Zsababy »

JupiterTaco wrote: Wed Jan 11, 2023 3:36 pm Wow Zsababy that sounds like a tough situation.
Yes. The whole thing was a nightmare. I tried to help her with her bipolar depression-- I'm bipolar and can relate. She has lots of trauma but she also is prone to exaggeration so you never know what to believe. Like her & another person will be present at the same event and her version will be much more dramatic. She also lied about taking $15 from her elderly mother. She said her brother was stealing, but then he got a forensic accountant, then she confesses but says he molested her. (She blurts it out while coming in to use my bathroom) So what am I supposed to think. But I NEVER question her abuse to her. I silently wonder, but I do believe at least some of it happened.

She is a very difficult person to deal with and I actually saw a therapist for the fallout of her blaming me for her depression getting worse (having to go to outpatient) because I told her I wasn't equipped to help her with her problems & couldn't really be her support system anymore.

She's got legit problems and it's sad but she's also a very unlikeable, bitter, angry person and I'm glad she's out of my life.
Zsababy
Posts: 451
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Groomed to be limerent

Post by Zsababy »

I meant lied about taking $15 thousand, not $15
Zsababy
Posts: 451
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Groomed to be limerent

Post by Zsababy »

And I agree that abuse in families, and consequent gaslighting, are very common. I'd say a quarter of my friends come from extremely abusive families.
Keater
Posts: 56
Joined: Sun Nov 22, 2015 3:02 pm
United States of America

Re: Groomed to be limerent

Post by Keater »

Wouldn’t telling somebody they aren’t being gaslit, be kind of like gaslighting them in a way?

Just a thought as I was reading above.

I often think about how I became limerent. I had a few close calls with ppl much older than me (teacher, other inappropriate ppl), and I was SUCH an easy mark. I have always really been into older guys. I remember some teachers would kind of lightly tease/flirt but would never have taken it to a different level. And I’m glad. That is disgusting and I am sorry that happened to you.
Where is our radar? Something you said that stood out was, that everybody was staying away from this guy because he is a creep. I feel like sometimes I also ignore major red flags.
In fact my current husband was one giant enormous red flag. And I followed it.
Current LO is also a big red flag. Highly inappropriate LO. But what can I say. I feel like with him I had very little choice in the matter.
What is that? Why? I have no idea. One day the switch just flicked and there it was.

Sorry, just my thoughts. Hope this isn’t post hijacking!

Thank you for sharing.
Have you no idea that you're in deep?
I dreamt about you nearly every night this week
How many secrets can you keep?
'Cause there's this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow and I play it on repeat
Zsababy
Posts: 451
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Groomed to be limerent

Post by Zsababy »

Keater wrote: Tue Jan 17, 2023 3:35 am Wouldn’t telling somebody they aren’t being gaslit, be kind of like gaslighting them in a way?

Just a thought as I was reading above.

I often think about how I became limerent. I had a few close calls with ppl much older than me (teacher, other inappropriate ppl), and I was SUCH an easy mark. I have always really been into older guys. I remember some teachers would kind of lightly tease/flirt but would never have taken it to a different level. And I’m glad. That is disgusting and I am sorry that happened to you.
Where is our radar? Something you said that stood out was, that everybody was staying away from this guy because he is a creep. I feel like sometimes I also ignore major red flags.
In fact my current husband was one giant enormous red flag. And I followed it.
Current LO is also a big red flag. Highly inappropriate LO. But what can I say. I feel like with him I had very little choice in the matter.
What is that? Why? I have no idea. One day the switch just flicked and there it was.

Sorry, just my thoughts. Hope this isn’t post hijacking!

Thank you for sharing.
No you're not hijacking; your comment is very relevant.

As far as denying the gaslighting being gaslighting, I guess it depends on who's doing what. Say if you told me you were abused and that your parents gaslighted you and I told you that you weren't gaslighted, that would probably be gaslighting once removed if I really thought you were abused but denied it. Gaslighting is done by abusers to dent their abuse. The term is very trendy right now & it's getting misused, I think. The term means to intentionally manipulate someone's perception to distract from your guilt of one or more transgressions.

BTW, I never questioned my friend's claims of abuse to her, and neither has my friend, who also says he doesn't know what to believe, but we both agree that some traumatic things took place, but feel like she's an unreliable narrator. But of course you should NEVER say that to a trauma survivor, so we don't.

Regarding missing the red flags, perhaps you are codependent, like me? Like the red flags seem like small obstacles to a better relationship and that you can help them. You don't see them as a potential danger to you.
Zsababy
Posts: 451
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Groomed to be limerent

Post by Zsababy »

BTW my friend claims he doesn't know what to believe because she changes her stories. And he's an abuse survivor so he's very sensitive to the whole issue.
I would never question her claims to her face but I don't think wondering about what actually happened is gaslighting.
L-F
Posts: 4054
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Groomed to be limerent

Post by L-F »

Zsababy wrote: Tue Jan 17, 2023 8:29 am
Keater wrote: Tue Jan 17, 2023 3:35 am Wouldn’t telling somebody they aren’t being gaslit, be kind of like gaslighting them in a way?

As far as denying the gaslighting being gaslighting, I guess it depends on who's doing what. Say if you told me you were abused and that your parents gaslighted you and I told you that you weren't gaslighted, that would probably be gaslighting once removed if I really thought you were abused but denied it. Gaslighting is done by abusers to dent their abuse. The term is very trendy right now & it's getting misused, I think. The term means to intentionally manipulate someone's perception to distract from your guilt of one or more transgressions.
Adding, it could be flipped... Wouldn't being told by somebody that you're gaslighting be gaslighting? Abusers often use subjects, titles, etc, to hide behind. The same way narcissists complain of being ill-treated.

Ehhhh...idk. I like Zsababy's explanation.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5184
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Groomed to be limerent

Post by JupiterTaco »

I thought this might be relevant to this subject;



Of course rather than the person who constantly reinvents themselves, I myself would be more wary of the person who's had their position for years and brags about it and/or brags about how they use their power but that's just me...
"When my parents split up when I was five years old, not a day has gone by that I haven't remembered the feeling I had that day I knew my father wasn't coming back. Until I met you and now I don't feel like that anymore," Chris, Selena
L-F
Posts: 4054
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Groomed to be limerent

Post by L-F »

JupiterTaco wrote: Tue Jan 17, 2023 3:49 pm Of course rather than the person who constantly reinvents themselves, I myself would be more wary of the person who's had their position for years and brags about it and/or brags about how they use their power but that's just me...
That's an interesting way to look at it JT. It sounds like a lot of your bosses and coworkers from what you've shared.

I found this which I think it valuable for readers who are interested in learning about how the ego identifies itself as a victim of abuse whether the abuse happened in younger years or as an adult, or whether the abuse was minor or major (in other words, this vid relates to any age and type of abuse, even gaslighting abuse). Another thing is his credentials which I think is also important (but that just my thing, I like to look at the source of information, I know, anal right?).

Anyway, I got a lot out of this...

"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Post Reply