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Groomed to be limerent

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
L-F
Posts: 4497
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
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Re: Groomed to be limerent

Post by L-F »

I also found this cute little vid. it's not intended for diagnosing or diminishing the impact of abuse. It reminds me of my father and even myself at times. I think it's important to look at biases too, it's easy to find vids from either side of the fence. Even though gaslighting to me is a serious thing (perhaps watered down and overused), my advice to someone who feels like they are stuck in an unhealthy relationship, is to help themselves by searching for support (so as not to get trapped by victim mentality).



This has gone off topic but I guess it all relates to grooming.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
Posts: 4497
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Groomed to be limerent

Post by L-F »

The reason I started this thread is that often those being groomed are young and naive and may not have fallen limerent if in the hands of healthy individuals given limerents imo, have underlying issues that can be triggered by unhealthy individuals. I know David has mentioned "sick attracts sick", which seems to be true, but I can't help but think of those who are groomed and whether they may have had a chance for forming healthy relationships. Of course, this is more a case of a curious mind rather than anything else.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Groomed to be limerent

Post by Zsababy »

I haven't watched the second video, and this is all a derail, but I'm not sure that quibbling about who is the real narcissist is that important in some cases. It's more important to see the actual transaction & behavior from both sides. Very often, both sides will think they're right and are hurting, at least it is when both feel injured by each other's actions.

My friend accused me of betrayal & emotional abuse because I set a boundary & boundaries are not her normal behavior. She just doesn't get it. Bad boundaries are how she connects to people, so she thinks I'm the one abusing. But both of our triggers are subjective (however, she really does need to learn boundaries. Unfortunately, she has a psych degree and knows all about labelling pathologies but not about healthy behavior).

In her case, she always sees her self as a victim because I'm pretty sure she has been victimized as a child. She carries that hurt. She doesn't own the fact that flying into a rage on people who try to set boundaries (it happened to a guy she had an affair with) and her tendency to spew her extreme emotions might affect other people. And God forbid you should try to call her out on any of her bad behaviors- she projects that onto eveybody else.

She is aware of some of her problems with interacting with people and her lack of emotional control, but does not really own it and kind of expects forgiveness by saying "here is why I did this. You made me feel..." So it's not really an apology.

This is all a tangent & I hope I haven't completely derailed our discussion. This was just a very upsetting and triggering thing for me ( her situation and behavior mirrors my mother growing up) and I don't have a therapist right now.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Groomed to be limerent

Post by Zsababy »

L-F wrote: Tue Jan 17, 2023 7:30 pm The reason I started this thread is that often those being groomed are young and naive and may not have fallen limerent if in the hands of healthy individuals given limerents imo, have underlying issues that can be triggered by unhealthy individuals. I know David has mentioned "sick attracts sick", which seems to be true, but I can't help but think of those who are groomed and whether they may have had a chance for forming healthy relationships. Of course, this is more a case of a curious mind rather than anything else.
I agree; sometimes sick attracts naive. Also, my LOs have often been nice guys. It's not their fault that I have an addiction to the euphoria of a crush. In fact, they're not narcissists who lead me on at all. They're just nice guys who've had the misfortune of crossing my weirdo obsessive path =))

I think it's very possible that I'm attracted to selfish people who want me to be their therapist like I was with my mother and then this guy. However, that pattern happens with friends, not LOs. I do think it created the "love" template for pining for a distant guy or a guy from afar. They're unavailable either way, and somehow, I I realize them because I don't have the chance to be with them on a daily basis & see what they're really like. They never get the chance to fall off the pedestal.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Groomed to be limerent

Post by Zsababy »

Ugh, stupid autocorrect. I meant I idealize them
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Groomed to be limerent

Post by Zsababy »

That second video describes my friend to a T. I'm so glad she blocked me after saying she needed to not hear from me. She crapped on me and wouldn't let me explain, but it couldn't have had a better outcome. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted
L-F
Posts: 4497
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Groomed to be limerent

Post by L-F »

As JT pointed out Out of the Fog website is an excellent resource if one feels, or is uncertain if someone is gaslighting them. You get a ton of empathy if that's what you are looking for. For me, and being solution focused, I couldn't stay there long. I felt like a trapped victim getting tons of love sent my way which wasn't what I was there for.

But still worth visiting nonetheless.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
Posts: 4497
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Groomed to be limerent

Post by L-F »

Zsababy wrote: Tue Jan 17, 2023 8:34 pm That second video describes my friend to a T. I'm so glad she blocked me after saying she needed to not hear from me. She crapped on me and wouldn't let me explain, but it couldn't have had a better outcome. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted
The trash taking itself out. Priceless.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Groomed to be limerent

Post by Zsababy »

On some level, I do sympathize with her because she has, according to her, lots of trauma & she's bipolar & on the spectrum, but the sad thing is that she can be really unlikable. So many bad qualities and she kept wondering why she had problems keeping friends. She also referred to me as her "ride or die" and I didn't feel that way at all. She was really hard to be around & it wasn't just symptoms of trauma, just kind of a bad personality.

Sad. Thanks for letting me vent. I know this is off-topic.
L-F
Posts: 4497
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Groomed to be limerent

Post by L-F »

Zsababy wrote: Tue Jan 17, 2023 8:10 pm Very often, both sides will think they're right and are hurting, at least it is when both feel injured by each other's actions.
Can totally relate and agree 100%. it's too easy to label someone without looking in the mirror. Someone's reality is 100% theirs hands down no matter how wacky it appears. That's their business.
Zsababy wrote: Tue Jan 17, 2023 9:52 pm On some level, I do sympathize with her because she has, according to her, lots of trauma & she's bipolar & on the spectrum, but the sad thing is that she can be really unlikable. So many bad qualities and she kept wondering why she had problems keeping friends. She also referred to me as her "ride or die" and I didn't feel that way at all. She was really hard to be around & it wasn't just symptoms of trauma, just kind of a bad personality.

Sad. Thanks for letting me vent. I know this is off-topic.
Vent away!
You know, I endured someones abuse because I could see their good side. They weren't bipolar as far as I knew (not a doctor so can't diagnose), perhaps they were, I don't know, but their behavior changed from being trusting to paranoid and making accusations. In these times they would try and hold me accountable for god knows what, then they would swing to being over the top complimentary. There were times at the beginning where I felt cornered to defend myself which felt strange to me given friendship, in my eyes, should be mostly supportive (with the odd tiff). But this up and down behavior was extreme.

Long story short, I clung to the good times and weathered the bad times on purpose knowing that my friendship wasn't ALL that bad. This, I believe, was the catalyst to healing with regards to understanding my mother and learning to weather the storms.

The friendship survived and I couldn't be more thankful for it because it was through the bad times I learned a lot about myself.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
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