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Groomed to be limerent

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Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Groomed to be limerent

Post by Zsababy »

Yes, my friend gave me over the top flattery too. Personally, I felt manipulated by it but that might not have been her intention. She's over the top about everything. I'm pretty sure she's got a couple of personality disorders as her behavior is extreme & I don't think its all bipolar.

I've been mulling over the situation for months, wondering sometimes if I did the wrong thing. But the fact of it is, I couldn't keep pretending that I liked someone who exasperated me and that I didn't respect. It's pretty sad from her angle because I was the only one who spent her birthday with her and she bought her own cake. I feel bad sometimes because I know what it's like to drive all your friends away & in my 20s & 30s I did many of the same annoying things but I began to feel like I was paying a penance for my past sins by putting up with her behavior. She's too fragile to be called out on it; she sobs and rages over just setting a boundary.

I wouldn't have expended as much energy on her if she wasn't in the social circle I'm in & we've all know each other since the 90s. I hate to end friendships but I had to admit that I was probably secretly a frenemy. You can only lie to people by not speaking up for so long.

I made it plain to her husband that I found her blaming me for her depression worsening unacceptable & manipulative. I don't think she's a conniving sociopath, just someone who is needy and doesn't know how to get her needs met in a healthy way. She'd turn to me because her husband was checked out & didn't want marriage counseling. Then I get rage & emotional blackmail when I don't meet her needs. This is *exactly* what my mom did, so she triggered me as well. She needs to hear that her emotional outbursts affect other people.

I told her husband that she & I can't be friends because I can't help or be codependent to her. I gave the metaphor that a person with lung cancer can't help a chain smoker because it's bad for them.

They both raged to a friend that I need to apologize*again* (I was told to apologize when I told her I couldn't be her support system). She said I "discarded" her when she's the one who blocked me immediately & wouldn't let me explain.

I've felt kind of emotionally abused but I know that's just her acting out from all her triggers (she constantly talks about friends dumping her) and because of both chemical & trauma, that she can't control herself. But I still think she expects too much forgiveness, just like she wanted me to absolve her for taking $15k out of her mother's account

Sigh. It's over but it loops in my head still. Thanks for letting me vent.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Groomed to be limerent

Post by Zsababy »

Oh I meant admit *to myself* that I was secretly a frenemy who didn't really want to be around her. I would NEVER say that to her face
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Groomed to be limerent

Post by L-F »

The good thing is, you have nothing to apologize for. Boundaties are healthy things! And a must if one wants to keep their sanity. I completely understand your rationale for doing what you did. Good for you! She did sound like someone with victim mentality and perhaps this serves her well? Idk?

My friend has plenty of friends and is a beautiful soul. I too felt like you at times when things got tough and I was left irritated, unboundaried and flabagsted at the unhealthy situation I allowed myself to be in. But. Something kept me from throwing in the towel. I suppose I clung to those times when their level headedness returned. They were always apologetic. Sometimes tore strips off me (made me feel like a naughty 5 yr old - which was and always will be completely uncalled for). However, I think it's safe to say we both learned a lot from each other. I'll always lend an ear and provide support should they need it, even if we drift apart, Im grateful for what we had in it's entirety.

Sorry for rambling! I'm here to say, I totally get it!
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Groomed to be limerent

Post by Zsababy »

No, not rambling. Yes, I think I would've accepted her explanation of her attack in reply to my saying I couldn't help her if I felt like the friendship was worth saving, but it's not worth the effort to me. Of course I didn't say that. But I think one reason she flipped out on my was she felt abandoned by yet another friend; I think it happens a lot to her.
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5664
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Groomed to be limerent

Post by JupiterTaco »

My childhood best friend was for the most part a giant pain in my ass growing up. But occasionally she could be fun, funny, entertaining, and even doting, it was crazy. Some people are just human black holes. I had to realize that in my own life. Shoot I had to really work hard not to become one. =)) I had to realize that I can't share a lot of my life with people because they don't understand the chaos of my life. And trying to make them understand would traumatize or at least confuse them and possibly make them feel inadequate, I don't know. I think between my own life and experiences and those of my mom's and my childhood best friend's, that it's really important to have boundaries and a sincere understanding between my stuff and other people's stuff. Leave it to the professionals I guess.
"Men are fooled so easily. Women wrelike spiders. They'll pull you into their webs and...wrap you up so tight you can hardly breathe," Griselda Blanco, Cocaine Godmother
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Groomed to be limerent

Post by Zsababy »

You are very wise. I can totally deal with someone's issues unless they're making it my business. This person would sometimes suck you in. The sad thing is that she does this thing of dumping her stuff on you when you barely know her and/or inappropriate times, and so she thinks she has a strong bond with you, especially if you should say some of your stuff. But it's not a bond that forms naturally. She did it to a semi-famous guy on Facebook who got overwhelmed. Then the overwhelmed person backs off or bails altogether and she's left feeling abandoned and betrayed, but she doesn't get that she sets up her vulnerability, so it keeps happening.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Groomed to be limerent

Post by Zsababy »

Although I did play my part of trying to help her, but she basically broadcasts her problems so it's hard not to, especially if you have any codependent tendencies
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Groomed to be limerent

Post by L-F »

JupiterTaco wrote: Thu Jan 19, 2023 5:55 pm Some people are just human black holes.
Really immature of me, couldn't help but laugh at this.
I guess some can be.
It's sad when you see patterns repeat in someone's life and they are blind to them. But I guess that's where you have to leave them. You can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5664
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Groomed to be limerent

Post by JupiterTaco »

L-F wrote: Fri Jan 20, 2023 9:08 pm
JupiterTaco wrote: Thu Jan 19, 2023 5:55 pm Some people are just human black holes.
Really immature of me, couldn't help but laugh at this.
I guess some can be.
It's sad when you see patterns repeat in someone's life and they are blind to them. But I guess that's where you have to leave them. You can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves.
Yeah, trying to tell them once, if you have that kind of relationship is probably fine, but afterwards it's just wasting breath and time.
"Men are fooled so easily. Women wrelike spiders. They'll pull you into their webs and...wrap you up so tight you can hardly breathe," Griselda Blanco, Cocaine Godmother
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Groomed to be limerent

Post by L-F »

Urghh... This topic sprang to mind (gaslighting, not grooming). Trying to wrap my head around the finer print and don't believe it boils down to semantics (my interpretation). I do like Zsababy's explanation and understanding of the term and the one word that screams at me is 'knowingly' causes someone to alter their perception. Bear with me, I'll get to the point.

Thinking back to family abuse, and using an example Zsababy used when replying to Keater ...
Zsababy wrote: Tue Jan 17, 2023 8:29 am
Keater wrote: Tue Jan 17, 2023 3:35 am Wouldn’t telling somebody they aren’t being gaslit, be kind of like gaslighting them in a way?

As far as denying the gaslighting being gaslighting, I guess it depends on who's doing what. Say if you told me you were abused and that your parents gaslighted you and I told you that you weren't gaslighted, that would probably be gaslighting once removed if I really thought you were abused but denied it. Gaslighting is done by abusers to dent their abuse. The term is very trendy right now & it's getting misused, I think. The term means to intentionally manipulate someone's perception to distract from your guilt of one or more transgressions.

... made me realize the abuser (in this case, the person gaslighting) knowingly twists someone's truth when they KNOW the other person's truth. Which made me question if most of my family and friends did this while growing up. I would have to say no to gaslighting due to the fact they didn't or don't KNOW the truth and only assumed it. For example, someone saying "your parents didn't gaslight you" is not gaslighting if they don't believe it to be true. The complete opposite if they did believe.

It would be a case of not believing the person saying they were the target of gaslighting, which in my opinion, isn't gaslighting (and not a mere case of semantics).

Which... :-?
Is possibly where we get tripped up? Tons of people haven't believed me for their reasons (projections, shadows, triggers, whatever), and yet, it's because they haven't KNOWN the truth, only questioned it.

I know, flogging a dead horse right? It's what happens when my brain goes "wait up! If this means that, then what does this mean?" lol
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
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