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Thoughts?

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
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HelpWithGOLO
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Thoughts?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

So, my LO is a coworker at the seasonal job that I just left (about 2 weeks ago). Our schedules differed toward the end so I was already seeing her less and less so it was helping. My feelings eventually went from intense to just viewing her a friend. I went in on my last day to say goodbye and wish her well, thinking it would end the situation for good and I could move on. When I got there, she had already left for the day, much earlier than normal. I was absolutely heartbroken. It felt like someone was crushing my chest and I was unable to breathe. I felt like someone close to me had just died. I cried. A LOT. For the rest of the day. Thank God I worked alone and away from the sales floor. I couldn't focus the entire day so I was overjoyed when the day ended. For the past couple weeks, I've had days where I couldn't help but grieve and others where I just feel a little sad. I keep replaying the night before when we worked together one last time. I replay every expression she had, everything we said, etc. trying to figure out if I had done something wrong. I think about it on and off throughout the day. My mind says there is a rational explanation that probably has nothing to do with me, but my emotions say otherwise. I'm a happily married man but this woman made me feel special at a time when I really needed a friend. Unfortunately I fell into limerence for her, not realizing that it was happening until it was out of control. To be clear, it was just a crush on my part. I have no idea if she realized how bad of a crush I had on her. I hope I was able to hide it well enough. We both have an SO so I knew that there was no chance and as far I know her feelings toward me were platonic. Soooo.... how do I move on from here? I truly care about her and wish her a bright future. I wanted so bad to let her know that I appreciated her friendship. I had told her so weeks before, but I really wanted the closure of that last farewell that last day. I know that we weren't close enough to warrant staying in touch, but the memories I have are so nice to remember. I don't have a lot of friends to begin with. I've been strongly tempted to go visit her at work just to say my goodbye but the more time passes the more I think that would be awkward. We weren't super close but we'd at least talk now and then. I'm terrified that I somehow upset her that last night, and am equally terrified that if I dropped in to see her that she'd no longer treat me like she once did. I mean, now that we don't work together, she has no obligation to be nice to me. Then I'd have to remember her THAT way, instead. Any thoughts on this? I know I'm being irrational and am ashamed that as a 40+ year old man I cried so hard over a coworker I never even dated. I think it was all the emotions from a months-long crush ending in a disappointing manner that did it. At this point I am trying to let go of her and be thankful for the time we had. The abrupt ending still hurts so bad and I can't seem to put it out of my head. Do I just need to give it time or is there more could do? Thanks!
CeeDee
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by CeeDee »

Don't feel ashamed, I completely understand your emotions and would feel the same way.
An abrupt ending like that must feel horrible. But I think either way it would have hurt, the situation. Would a perfect closure be realistic?

Over time it will get better, time heals as cliche as it may sound
JupiterTaco
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by JupiterTaco »

I've said it before but closure doesn't really exist. The closure you're seeking doesn't exist. The only real closure is to let it go. It's not a nice way to have closure but will eventually show you how there is nothing really to seek closure over.
"Men are fooled so easily. Women wrelike spiders. They'll pull you into their webs and...wrap you up so tight you can hardly breathe," Griselda Blanco, Cocaine Godmother
David
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by David »

JupiterTaco wrote: Fri Feb 17, 2023 10:43 pm . The only real closure is to let it go.
I really like that quote - that said im not sure i could reach acceptance and let go in some situations - with limerence it took me years =)) and i did eventually get there
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by L-F »

Agree with both JT & David. That's why I didn't think it was worth commenting at first because nothing said will help other than acknowledging the pain felt. Of course, those who are no longer limerent or who are further down the track have learned a great deal and have heaps of tips and well-meaning advice, but none of it will help when in the thick of limerence.

The whole situation sucks, we get it. Welcome to Suckville, have a look around and eventually, you'll find the exit point. But who knows how long that will take? Took me years.

I'm at the point where I can't recall what LO looks like (a bit fuzzy). Nor can I be bothered searching to find out any info on LO (pics, etc). Have completely let it go. JT is right, there is nothing to seek closure over other than feeding limerence for one last time.

You are right HWG, there are two sides to limerence, emotional & rational. Depends on which side you allow yourself to get swept away with. All the best.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
HelpWithGOLO
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

Update: Today was really hard (this day of the week was when my job ended) so of course I was reminded all day of my LO, wondering where she might be on the job today, etc.

But I'm taking each day one at a time, trying to focus more on what the friendship meant to me as opposed to my irrational infatuation and the disappointing ending. I can't change what happened. She didn't hurt me on purpose that day. I have to believe that. I'll never know why she left early that day and dwelling on it won't change it. Still, it totally, absolutely sucks. I hurt a lot and I'm trying so hard to not let it control me. I'll likely never see her again and I realize that my desire to stop in for a visit is just like an addict wanting one more hit. I know it would never be "enough". I hate that this is controlling me and my emotions. I hate that I convinced myself that I was totally in love with her and that it might be secretly mutual. I hate that I let my fantasies about her get so out of control that I stopped thinking straight. I want to remember her as she truly was: a kind person who reached out to me and befriended me. I know time will heal and the painful memories will fade. So will my feelings. I just want to flip the switch and move on already. But I also know that this pain, even though it was brought on by irrational thoughts and feelings, is real. Worse, the only way out of this prison is to get myself out. And it's going to be a long walk. But I choose to take that first step starting now.

Thank you to everyone who replied. I took every reply to heart. I thank you all not just for the kind encouragement but also for the cold splash of reality, too. I brought this on myself. I need to be willing to break free. It hurts and only I can choose to stop the pain. I'm choosing to start letting go. One step, one day at a time. I will remember my work friend as a special person in my life who came along when I needed her. But I no longer need her. I love her as a person and hope that she and her SO have an amazing life together. But I must remind myself I am not nor was I ever truly in love with her. I'm thankful that she didn't ever reciprocate my feelings, because the results would no doubt have caused so much damage to me, her, and both of our SOs. I see that clearly now. She and I met for a reason and I believe this experience was meant to teach me about some issues in my life and marriage I was unaware of. I will cherish our time we had and learn from this lesson. I'll pay her kindness forward and seek out others I meet who need a friend. I'll look for what led me to seek her as I did and devote that energy back to my wife like I should've done all along. She'll never read this, but thank you, my LO, for being in my life for a short while. I wish you the very best. Your brief friendship helped me more than you know. I'm sorry I Iost my mind in the process.

I'll post more updates here as I go. It helps to journal my feelings like this and it really helps to know others have experienced what I'm going through. Perhaps this post will give someone else hope. I'm so glad I found this forum. Maybe someday, when I'm farther along or even on the other side, I can help someone else escape their prison, too.
L-F
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by L-F »

That is such a lovely update HWG. So perceptive, reflective, and self-aware - just beautiful! That's all you can be. Sorry to hear this day hit especially hard given it reminded you of the day you didn't get to see her.

Keep the memories close to your heart and as you mentioned, view it as something to learn from.

Oh! And keep us updated! Tis always good to journal the journey.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
HelpWithGOLO
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

Update: I'm going to be rambling but bear with me.
Has it really been a month already? The day I had my emotional breakdown I honestly didn't know how I was going to make it. Yes, I had my wife and my life to return to so it wasn't as if my world was ending. But the feeling of loss was unbearably intense. Probably the most painful emotional experience of my adult life. Today, I feel hopeful. Sad at times, but hopeful of recovery. The whole situation hurts to think about still but I don't cry about it anymore. I'm getting better about only focusing on the good but it's still a struggle. I take steps forward and backward. When I'm out in public I catch myself looking around at times to see if she happens to be nearby. Sometimes a car will pass and I could almost swear I saw her. I still think about her throughout the day, not fantasizing but wondering how she is. My desire to drop in to see her at work lessens with each day. Yet I still hope that we might see each other by chance somewhere. Honestly, at this point I feel that's what I want. Just a few moments to catch up so I know all is well with her. And maybe say the words I wanted to say a month ago. Deep down I know she probably doesn't think about me that much. I was just the temporary worker, here today and gone like so many others. I'd like to think that she misses me at work, even if just a little. A part of me wonders how she reacted when she came in the next day to find I was gone for good. I'd like to think that she'll remember me, but I know we weren't as close as my imagination wants me to believe. I hope that she might think about me once in a while, perhaps wondering how I am as well. But I also worry that if I see her again, she might not even remember who I was. This has helped strengthen my resolve for NC, so as not to ruin the memories. I'm still struggling to remind myself that I only knew her for a few months. It feels like much longer.
I didn't even know she existed until last year, now I can't stop thinking about her. I have feelings for her still and miss her every day. I miss so much about her and the way she made me feel. But, again, we're not meant to be together. I know dwelling on these feelings is not helpful. She has her own life and I have mine. The love I feel toward her is one of friendship and caring about her well-being. Anything else is all in my head. Sometimes I think back on moments together and things she said or facial expressions she had. My emotions try to tell me that perhaps she had somewhat of a crush on me, too, but my mind tells me it's just wishful thinking. Besides, acting on it would be wrong. I still remember her being very attractive but my memories of what she looks like exactly are fading. I wish her the best and each day I hope that her day turns out well. As special as she was to me, though, all this thinking about her is becoming overwhelming and exhausting. I need to move on with my life just as she surely has. I wish I could say that I made a lot of progress in one month. But I'm still struggling. Some days are better than others. I need to keep going. I lived most of my life without her and vice versa. Our time is in the past and to hold on so tightly is destructive. Things will never be the same again. Life goes on. I'll update again later. I sincerely hope to have made more progress forward by then. Thank you for taking time to read this. :)
CeeDee
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Joined: Thu Feb 09, 2023 5:37 pm
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by CeeDee »

Thank you for the update! It sounds like you're moving in the right direction, but I know it's really tough!
I recognize a lot of myself in your situation. This week I had to make the very hard decission to quit my job, I just couldn't do it anymore. It feels like mourning, does that sound weird? I already miss him so so much I can barely stand it but I know this was the best decission to make (you can read about my situation in my topic ''I'm exhausted'' on this forum)

It's like an addiction. Just one more shot (contact), just one more time (talk to him), blablabla. No, I had to stop it and go 100% no contact to get over this. But boy does it hurt...

I do still think there is no perfect closure. I understand what you're saying about wanting to talk to her one last time, maybe say some things you didn't say, I'm feeling the same things. I just really think for me there is no way that converstation will go the way I hope. Seeing him will only be fuel to my limerence and won't help me. I really hope I can be strong enough....
HelpWithGOLO
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

CeeDee, I looked at your "Exhausted" topic and yeah, I see the similarities in our situations, too. I'm sorry to hear of your struggles and that you had to quit your job. I'm happy to hear you stopped drinking, though. I really hope you are able to continue healing. Interacting with people on this site and knowing that I'm not alone in this has gotten me through these past few weeks. Leaving my job has helped some but, as I can't seem to let go of, I still wish I could've had a cleaner break. I think it might've helped me come to terms that we were truly parting ways for good. Maybe I wouldn't be feeling like a day has yet to come when I see her so we can finally say goodbye. I'd probably still think about her at times, but maybe not as intensely. I'm still struggling with the constant thinking about her. No more matter what I'm doing or where I am, she comes to mind and it's so hard to turn it off. Unfortunately, I've started dreaming about her now, too. Which really sucks because in the dreams we're close friends who hug, laugh together, etc. Just makes the reality hurt more. :( Makes me long for how we interacted when we first met, before our differing schedules happened as well as my out-of-control feelings. I'm left feeling like our potential friendship was a missed opportunity. There's a constant battle in my mind: half of me keeps telling me all the reasons why I need to stop obsessing over her and the other half is like: "yeah, but what if you'd done this differently or maybe someday, somehow..?" Ugh. She's not my first crush or anything. I've had crushes on coworkers before but it always went away shortly after the job ended. So why is this one SO hard to recover from? Is it because I'm older now? Or that she has different life experiences than me and I'm wondering what sharing a life like that would be like? I really can't say. Maybe all of the above. With all the previous crushes, I never felt compelled to tell them I love them like I do with her. Why am I so emotionally attached to her? Maybe it's my desperation for friends and I'm trying to hold onto what we had too tightly. Add in her sweetness to me and that I found her very attractive (she ticked all the boxes for me) and I suppose it was a given that I'd develop feelings for her. Sorry for rambling again. This is so tough and I'm unsure at times if I'm making progress forward or stuck in place. Hopefully you're able to make progress too. Just take it a day at a time. That's what I've done. I'm telling myself this as well: this is hard but it won't last forever.
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