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Thoughts?

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HelpWithGOLO
Posts: 94
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

@StillWonky I would give so much to have a close friend right now. The very few friends I have all live out of state so I'm not in touch with them as much as I'd like. I don't feel close enough to anyone to talk about what's going on in my head. I'm debating how much share to with my wife or if I should. I wish I had someone to hang out with, to take my mind off this. I try so hard to make new friends but I always seem to mess it up. I try too hard, try to rush things, overshare, can't relate to them, etc. I get too emotionally attached and I love on people too hard. I want friends so badly but I have so much trouble making any. It doesn't help that I'm really socially awkward to begin with. And I take each failed effort very personally. Which makes it harder each time to want to try. I really believed the woman who became my LO was going to be a new friend. In my original post I shared some about the disastrous end of our relationship. One of these days I'll share the full story, if I can be brave enough. It took me two weeks just to muster up the courage to even post anything on this site. But I really need to tell someone. I was so devastated by it that I'm honestly afraid to reach out to anyone right now. I'm having trouble trusting any women who seem like they're trying to befriend me. I already have issues with other guys. I'm just so hurt and I want so badly to feel like myself again.
@L-F I keep trying to tell myself it's all limerence but the feelings just seem too real. I really hope this one will be my last LO. I'm going to try my hardest to make it so. But I'm afraid she won't be. I never want to go through pain like this again. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
HelpWithGOLO
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

Ok. While I still have the nerve to do so, here is the full account of my LE. It's a very long read, despite it only covering about 3 months. I included the events leading up to it, my thoughts at the time and maybe a little too much detail. Sorry for any TMI. Some of this I've shared before but it helps paint the picture of just how I got where I am now. Unfortunately I replay this entire thing in my head every day. I hope this will serve as a cautionary tale to others. Looking back I see so many moments that I should have seen what I was doing to myself. I was truly blind to how quickly I was descending into madness. I'm struggling so hard to get back out. I'm hoping that by sharing my story it will help others. Ok, here goes...
----
Right before I started my seasonal position, my wife and I had amassed a pile of unexpected bills in the space of a couple weeks. One of my in-laws was very unkind to me about it, pretty much saying that if I'd had a "real" job that we would've been more prepared. There was more to the conversation but bottom line I was made to feel like the biggest POS ever. Yeah, good times. My wife and I knew better and our business is our business but still it hurt so very, VERY much especially since we usually get along so well. My whole life I have struggled badly with self esteem issues and depression. I've always had a hard time making friends even until now. Not quite sure how I got here but I have trust issues. Maybe it's because my dad, though no doubt loving and caring, was often emotionally unavailable to me. As a result, most of my friends growing up were girls. I had a few guy friends, but I always seemed to be closer to the girls. I just seemed to relate to them easier. Even now, I have a hard time relating to other guys. I try, I do. I just always feel like they're secretly judging me when I don't know as much about "manly" things like sports, maintenance, etc. As an adult, I continue to struggle with finding friends. It doesn't help that my wife and I don't have kids and never will. At our age, others have kids, tons of people they know and seem to have it all figured out. Ok...so that's where my mindset was at the start. All right, so I start this seasonal job. Very depressed that I had to take this position. Feeling like a total loser. I'm in a backroom position all by myself all day and the few people I have met so far barely talk to me. I was introduced to my future LO once, in passing. She flashed this big smile at me and I immediately thought "Holy crap, she is cute!" Later, I would realize that her hair color, eye color, body shape, smile, laugh...it's like someone read my mind, took everything I fantasize about and put it into one person. Even her name. I won't say it but it's one I have always thought sounded hot, if that makes sense. So to find out that even her name was sexy was like, wow. In that moment, though, I just left it at "She's super cute" and moved on. In the days to follow, we'd end up working somewhat close and she started coming up to me casually and ask how I was doing. She welcomed me to the job, asked how I was doing, etc. It was really sweet. Bonus for the fact that some really cute woman was talking to me and took interest in my well-being. Once we sat together in the break room and talked for a while. God, if only I could do that again. I don't know if I could keep myself composed now but at the time I was good. Anyway... Time passes, and we talk several times throughout the day. I find myself kinda wondering: why is she being so nice to me all the time when no one else is? And she's always giving me that huge smile and hanging around me each day. No complaints. I love that smile and she's very easy to talk to. Silly thoughts of "what if she has a crush on me or something?" come to mind. Nah, she sees I have a wedding ring. Besides, I love my wife too much. I find out shortly after that she has a fiance. Glad to hear that, I say to myself. Maybe deep down a little disappointing that she's not actually into me, but glad she has someone. Besides, I'm married and I won't be here long. At least I have this cute friend to talk to each day. One day, her schedule changes. She told me about it in advance. Now I'm not seeing her as much. I start to miss her company. I pass where we used to talk in the backroom and I feel a little sad. Oh well. We meet up during the days I do see her, but sometimes she isn't quite as happy as she was. Is she just tired today or did I do something wrong? Not even realizing I'm doing it, I start going out of my way a bit to make more contact. It goes fine. Sometimes she's talkative, others she just says hey and not much else. Am I coming on too strong? I just want to talk with my friend. I start realizing that I really like how my name sounds when she says it. Oh my gosh, I just got butterflies from her saying my name while smiling at me. Ok, boy. Calm yourself. She's not into you. She's just a friend, remember? It starts happening every day. I look forward to seeing her more and more. It's all good. We're just friends. Man, it's too bad we can't work side by side all night. We get along so well. I've waited so long to have a friend like this. I haven't had anybody to hang out with in so very long. I bet my wife would really like her. I start telling my wife about my cute work friend. She teases me about it but knows there's nothing to it. Then one night, my coworker asks me to do a favor for her. Sure, I agree. I come back, she's up on the ladder in front of me. Her one leg is raised up and she's stretching up toward a shelf. Oh my god. Why have I never noticed how fantastic her body is? Look at how hot she is. Those legs and that...STOP IT. Go cool off. But I can't stop thinking about it now. I check her out when she's not looking. I can talk to her just fine, but fantasies start to creep in. Stop it. She's not into you. You're only hurting yourself. Besides, what if you two did make out or even more? It'd be amazing for sure but think of the consequences. She has a kid and a fiancee. You'd have to leave your wife. Just keep the fantasy in your head. I try so hard. I start being more and more friendly toward her. Subconsciously, I'm trying to gauge if she might be secretly into me. I wonder why she didn't smile this time when I smiled at her. Bad timing, maybe? Oh good, she smiled that time. We're fine. The holidays hit. I don't get to be around her much. Today HR asked if I plan to stay after the holidays. I tell them no, I plan to leave soon. I feel like it's the right thing to do to tell my friend that I'm leaving. She told me about her schedule change way back when. It's only fair that I tell my friend in return. I wait to talk to her. Finally, there she is. I wave, she waves back. She starts walking toward me out of the backroom. The following is exactly how it played from my point of view: She steps out, flashes that sexy smile at me and keeps it going. We start walking toward each other, eyes locked. Her jacket is open, showing off her amazing figure. Holy crap. Is she walking faster or is it just me? OMG. What if she yelled "I love you, (my name)!" and jumped into my arms just like in a movie? Yes, please! If only! The room is starting to spin a little. We greet each other. Ok. Calm down. Your heart is beating so fast. She says she wants to catch up with you since it's been a while. I see that she's wearing eye shadow. Her eyes have never looked so good. Why can't I stop staring at her? What'd she say? What was I going to say? Please never stop looking in my eyes. How am I not blushing? Somehow I tell her my news. She looks a little disappointed. I thank her for her kindness to me and for being my friend. She smiles that smile I love and says she was happy to do so. Clearly we are friends at the very least. Again, I've wanted a friend for so long. I can breathe again as we continue talking. We're friends. But man does she look insanely hot today. Later I imagine her in a sexy dress, going out with me. Yeah, I wish! Easy, boy. You're just friends. That night I feel guilty about the whole thing and tell me wife that I've apparently developed a crush on my coworker. I assure her that there's nothing to worry about. I believe it at the time. I spend the next few weeks jumping between thinking of her as a friend and replaying those lustful moments. I start to remember that I'm going to be leaving her behind soon. Every interaction with her becomes precious. Every smile is intoxicating. I keep wanting to ask her details about her life. I want to know all about who she is. I start to imagine what life would be like if we could somehow get together. Each time I work a shift without her, I pass where she would be and get a twinge in my chest. I'm definitely emotionally attached. I realize that I am starting to fall for her. I argue with myself in my head about it all day. I suddenly can't stop thinking about her. I count the days until she's there again. I overanalyze every interaction. Today our hands accidentally touched and I got butterflies. She teased me about something and it made me feel so good to have a friend like this. I see her talk to a male coworker and I feel a little jealous. I really don't like it when she mentions her fiance. My heart starts racing when she appears and I feel bummed when she leaves. My last day is coming so soon. Am I going to be able to let her go? This is my next to last day here. Holy crap. According to the schedule, she and I will work side by side tonight. YAY! Look, I'm able to talk to her and we're working so well together. If only I had been in this position instead all along. We're side by side now. Go on. Ask her anything about herself. Yes, she's very cute but she's just a person like you. I can also tell she's pretty tired tonight. This is so much fun, though! Later, she looks weary and tells me she's going to break. I tell her to enjoy and I'll see her soon. She flashes me that smile. I'm euphoric again. She doesn't come back. I don't see her at all the rest of the night. Weird. Oh well. Tomorrow I'll see her and we'll say our last goodbye. It's going to hurt. I've definitely got feelings for her. I shouldn't but I do. I really do think that I love her. I've said it multiple times in my head. I've imagined saying it to her. It's wrong, though. I know I can never act on it, but the feeling is strong just the same. Thinking about no longer seeing her makes my chest hurt. But it'll be ok. I practice in my head what I'll say tomorrow. I'll wish her well, thank her for everything and hopefully get to shake her hand. OMG a hug would be incredible but let's calm down, ok? I definitely won't tell her I love her, as much as I want to. I'll probably whisper I love you to her back once she's in the distance and no one's around. It's a stupid fantasy. She'll be gone and this infatuation I have for her will fade. I'll miss her for sure. She made me feel so good. I'll miss her smile and how she said my name. I loved talking to her and it seemed like we never got to hang out enough. Oh well. Tomorrow this good thing will come to an end and I can start the next chapter of life.

You know the story from here.

The next day, I clock in and head to my area. She's not around. I ask someone if they've seen her. Turns out she already left for today. I get hit emotionally by a truck. But...she knew this was my last day. I told her for weeks. She's never left this early. What could've happened? The room is starting to spin. I feel the flood of tears coming. I'm choking up. I can't breathe. I can barely stand. Somehow I tell that coworker to please tell her goodbye for me. I go to my area and close the door. The flood of emotions comes and I double over. I can't stop the tears. Why did she leave? Was it something I did? What am I going to do? I feel like she just died in my arms. I can't stop crying. She was a friend and a coworker. We weren't married and never even dated. Why am I so heartbroken? I forget that I even have a wife already. I forget that I'm on the clock. I just keep saying her name, over and over, sobbing. I ask her why she did this to me, wishing she would walk in and tell me that she's still here. I also imagine that she's somewhere laughing at me, as if she intentionally hurt me like this. But she wouldn't, right? None of it makes sense. If only I could talk to her for just a few seconds. The pain just keeps getting worse. I sneak to the bathroom to wash my face so no one knows. I can't even look myself in the eyes. I shudder and cry some more. The rest of the day is a blur. The coworker I spoke to sees me and I have to fight with every fiber of my being not to cry. Somehow I make it through the day. I don't know what I even accomplished, if anything. I just don't care. I cry the whole way home. I tell my wife how the day went. She knows I had a crush and tries to console me. Thank God she wasn't angry because I couldn't have handled any more pain. I can't bring myself to tell her that it became more than a crush. I'd been searching secretly online for help in getting over my crush and found this forum. I realized I've become limerent. I hide my crying from my wife. I need help. A short time later, I posted my first post here.
----
I don't know if this post will help anyone but I really needed to tell the whole story, if only for myself. Now I can look back and hopefully see the warning signs so I can avoid this ever happening again. I'm a little over two months past that terrible day. It still hurts. I'll probably never know what really happened that last day. I really didn't know her well but I wish I could have gotten to know the real person better. I have dreams about her. She's on my mind all the time. I'm always thinking of ways to somehow get in contact with her. I'm stuck in a loop and I'm trying everything to let her go. I still cry over her sometimes. I haven't felt like myself since that day. I dread each week when that day and time come around. I remember the exact minute that I found out she was gone. So, WHY can't I let her go? One reason, I believe, is because I still feel there's an unfinished conversation between us. If I let her go, I'll for sure never see her again and that kills me to think about. I also believe it's because I am so desperate for friends and I'm afraid of how long it will take me to find someone like her again. Someone who didn't judge me but went out of her way to show she cared about me as a person. She came into my life when I really needed her. I feel like I need to tell her how much she truly meant to me. I said that I told her once but I feel like I didn't say it strongly enough. She really made a lasting impact on me. I doubt I'll ever forget her. I'm just afraid she's going to forget about me someday. I know that might happen, it's life. It sucks but I have to move on. She is not my wife and never will be. I really do love my wife and I'm ashamed that I let this whole thing happen. Maybe in some other life we might've gotten together. I admit that I do sometimes wish that I could be her husband. Not just for the physical part but because I feel a deeper connection to her somehow. Yes, it is limerence but I struggle with how real the feelings seem to be. I just can't stop believing that there's something special about her. At the very least, she has special meaning to me. It hurts to think that I don't mean nearly as much to her as she does to me. I do hope she will at least remember me as a friend. I'd like to think that she at least thinks about me once in a while at work. I sincerely hope and pray that her man is everything she wants, needs and more. I wish them nothing but the absolute best. I would love to see her again someday just to know that all is well. It hurts me so much to think that she'll never be a bigger part of my life but I'm trying to be thankful for the time we did have. While I couldn't have anticipated my attraction to her, I definitely could've and should've handled it so much better. I regret losing my mind over her and the stupid things I did. I know it's a lesson learned but man, what a painful one it is. I just hope I can be strong enough to never go through this again. I wish I was strong enough to be moving forward.

Well, if you read all of this, thank you and sorry about the long journey. I feel much better getting it all out my head and onto here.
L-F
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by L-F »

Don't confuse someone caring for you and limerence. There are plenty of people who care for you and your wellbeing that you'll never fall limerent for - doctors, nurses, family, friends, forum users, etc.

She has absolutely nothing to do with it other than what you project on to her. Your feelings are true, your logic is haywire and you're trying to convince yourself that the two are the same. They are not.

Keep reminding yourself that any unfinished business is your problem and not hers. Why weigh her down with your problems if you really cared about her?

I'm glad you were able share your thoughts. your thinking was similar to mine at the beginning of this journey. Stay positive.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
HelpWithGOLO
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

L-F wrote: Mon Apr 03, 2023 11:36 pm Don't confuse someone caring for you and limerence. There are plenty of people who care for you and your wellbeing that you'll never fall limerent for - doctors, nurses, family, friends, forum users, etc.

She has absolutely nothing to do with it other than what you project on to her. Your feelings are true, your logic is haywire and you're trying to convince yourself that the two are the same. They are not.
I'm sorry. I guess I'm not quite sure what you mean by this.
L-F
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by L-F »

Feelings are correct.
Thoughts not so.

I'm talking in general.

When we feel like we are in love, we ought to FEEL it. But don't overthink it. Our thoughts keep us trapped and miserable.
Have you noticed how the Bible talks about God loving us? Does he think about it? Analyse it? He feels it and leaves it at that.

What's wrong with feeling our feelings? We don't need to dissect them nor act on them.

Its the thoughts you want to interrupt or redirect, unpack, etc. The logical part is off in most limerents, imo. I was reflecting upon it from your posts which I enjoy as it takes me back to when I was limerent and it dawned on me that perhaps how she makes you feel need not stop. Its the thoughts surrounding the feelings. Anyway, not important. Just my take. Stay positive and know im rooting for you to beat the limerence monster.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Zsababy
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Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by Zsababy »

L-F wrote: Wed Apr 05, 2023 3:41 am Feelings are correct.
Thoughts not so.

I'm talking in general.

When we feel like we are in love, we ought to FEEL it. But don't overthink it. Our thoughts keep us trapped and miserable.
Have you noticed how the Bible talks about God loving us? Does he think about it? Analyse it? He feels it and leaves it at that.

What's wrong with feeling our feelings? We don't need to dissect them nor act on them.
Yes!!! Riding the wave of our emotions is one thing they talk about in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, and it is taught to people with Borderline Personality Disorder, who have probably the most severe emotional extremes.

I'm sorry you had the crappy job experience & blow to your self-esteem & I can see why she was a light on the darkness, so to speak. But your feelings have more to do with your needs than her basic friendliness. I know I have interpreted my LOs friendliness as interest when I was very ungrounded & my heart fluttered. Then, I discovered he was that way with everybody and while it made me feel great, although he's not insincere, it didn't really mean anything in a larger sense. I apologize for not following all of your story, but I just want to underscore the importance of just riding out your feelings without acting on them.
HelpWithGOLO
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

@L-F Thank you for clarifying. :) I was thinking you probably meant something along those lines but I wasn't sure. I always appreciate your input. These emotions I'm feeling have clouded my judgement for so long now. It would be amazing to just feel the emotions and nothing more. I wish I could stop overthinking them. I've spent so many, many hours doing so. I've been irrational for so long and it feels sometimes like it's getting worse. I don't know how to stop at this point.
@ Zsababy Thank you for your kind words. I am trying to remind myself that she was trying to make me feel welcome and be a work friend to me. It wasn't that she was interested in me. She told me once that her experience had been the same as mine when she first started there. She'd even worked in the department I was in at one point so she knew all about the feelings of isolation. It was just so flattering to have a beautiful woman not only being nice to me but reaching out to be a friend. Naturally I wanted to believe that she was into me as well, as wrong as I was to think so. It was a major self-esteem boost. Even now I think about our every interaction and it makes me so happy. I loved how it felt to be around her. It seemed like there was never enough time. I want to see her again so badly. I want to talk to her again. I wish I could have been more rational and thought of her as just a friend. What I really needed was a friend and I ended up becoming infatuated with her. I have to remind myself each day of the reality of the situation. I've projected so very much onto her. In my fantasy she'd be perfect for me. I have to keep reminding myself that my LO and the actual person are not the same. I'm in love with my LO. I miss my LO and it's HER that I'm actually crying over, not the real person. I have to tell myself daily that acting on these feelings in real life would be a mistake because I'd be interacting with the real person, not the LO. The real person at best regarded me as a friend. I do wish I could've gotten to know HER better. I'm trying so hard to let these emotions fade away on their own. I've tried to make them go away because it's hurting me so much inside but I guess I should just accept them and work through them. I try to tell myself to be thankful I met someone like her, even for a little while. She gave me hope that there are still potential friends out there.
L-F
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by L-F »

HelpWithGOLO wrote: Wed Apr 05, 2023 2:28 pm I have to keep reminding myself that my LO and the actual person are not the same. I'm in love with my LO. I miss my LO and it's HER that I'm actually crying over, not the real person. I have to tell myself daily that acting on these feelings in real life would be a mistake because I'd be interacting with the real person, not the LO. The real person at best regarded me as a friend. I do wish I could've gotten to know HER better. I'm trying so hard to let these emotions fade away on their own. I've tried to make them go away because it's hurting me so much inside but I guess I should just accept them and work through them. I try to tell myself to be thankful I met someone like her, even for a little while. She gave me hope that there are still potential friends out there.
Great insight HWG! Good to see you separate the two. The version of her you created vs the real HER. I too wish I had done the same when we were together (so to speak) so that I could have gotten to know the real HER. What's more interesting though, is the question "Would I have even liked her?"... My guess is yes, BUT, removing the fantasy can leave one's eyes open to the nitty-gritty. There's a real possibility I might not have.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Zsababy
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by Zsababy »

I'm sorry for your loneliness. I know how painful that is.
HelpWithGOLO
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

@L-F In the early stages of my crush, when I was still in control of my thoughts, I tried to get to know her on a more personal level. It was hard since our schedules didn't match up later on. I was trying to determine if I actually liked her for the person she is or if it was all just fantasy. Based on what I DO know, I think I would at least enjoy being her friend. There's a lot I like about her. I can say for sure that I've grown to care about her as a person. I really do miss her. I feel like this NC is a double-edged sword: on the one hand, I can't contact her so I don't get that dangerous emotional high. On the other hand, I can't talk to her to get to know the real person better. If I could, I'm sure it would help ease my intense feelings toward her. Like I've said, when we first met we talked a lot so I was able to start getting to know the real her. But when we became distant due to her schedule, there were times she seemed different. I wondered often if I had done something wrong. I see now that I was subconsciously desperate to "get back to where we were" at first. I was trying so hard to hang on to her as a friend. She might have just been worn out from the new hours or maybe had something going on at home I never knew about or whatever but I took it all personally. I started filling in the gaps that didn't make sense with my own delusional answers. I analyzed every interaction to make sure we were still "good". I read into everything she did. I was able to convince myself there was something going on between us. I didn't even realize I was creating a fake version of her. I really was just trying to be friends with her. At least, until I found myself suddenly wanting to be A LOT more than just friends with her. I've already told that story, of course. Sad thing is, I say that I know that my LO and the real person are unfortunately not the same person. I've been telling myself that for months now. But a part of me deep down still wants to believe that they could somehow be the same. Because the idea that being with my LO, an imaginary person, is an impossibility just hurts too much to think about after all this time. *sigh*
@Zsababy Thank you for your kind words. I'm trying to muster up the courage to reach out to new people but this LE experience has made me nervous about doing so for right now. I want to stop hurting but I'm also afraid of getting hurt again.
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