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Thoughts?

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
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HelpWithGOLO
Posts: 94
Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2023 10:06 pm
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Re: Thoughts?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

I'm ashamed to say that I've somehow lost quite a bit of progress. A few weeks ago, I wrote that I was getting over her and I really felt I was. But I'm starting to backslide. I still get sad at times that I'll never see her again. I get to wishing I hadn't fallen for her like this. I get upset with myself for daydreaming about her and our brief time together. I just want to stop feeling bad when I think about her. And I want to not have her on my mind all the time. I could've sworn I saw her in my neighborhood the other day, riding in the passenger seat. Now I watch every passing car, just in case. I try to tell myself it's not going to be her, but even if it was, what difference would it make? If I had a chance to talk to her, what would I say? Yet, I still do it. I feel so weak fighting this enemy in my head. I'm fighting against an imaginary version of someone I knew, a fantasy I made up. The real her and I were not as close as I would've wanted, but a tiny part of me feels like I need to somehow make it possible. Like, maybe we can somehow stay in touch, at least long enough to know that she's not thinking of me negatively, or at least that we can end on a more clear note. Maybe it's my addict mind desperately trying to find a way to get another hit, regardless of the consequences. Maybe it's because the days of NC are steadily increasing. Some days I start to win this fight, some I lose. And I'm tired of it all.
I'm tired of the overthinking about everything that happened. I'm tired of thinking about the mistakes I made with her. How I let my infatuation made me act like such an idiot around her. I'm tired of replaying every moment over and over ad nauseum, day and night. I'm tired of thinking about her so much. I'm tired of being depressed that I didn't get to say a "proper" goodbye. I mean, was missing out on a possible handshake and basically saying "Great working with you. I enjoyed knowing you for a while. Have a great life!" REALLY worth all this pain? Do I really need to keep dwelling on it? Why? I told her before that I appreciated her being so nice and welcoming to me weeks before I left. She knew that I liked her as a person and considered her a friend. I told her so. She seemed to like me the same way. Hopefully I wasn't too obvious about having a crush. I certainly shouldn't have allowed it to get so out of control. I know I acted too friendly at times, or at least I feel that way. I'm tired of being depressed every week when that same day and time of my last day there roll around. I'm tired of remembering almost the exact minute that my heart got broken. I'm tired of having to hide my depression from my wife on that day every week. I'm tired of making up excuses for why I'm acting differently in those moments. I'm tired of the fantasies of what we "might've been in some other life". I'm tired of wondering about all aspects of her life. I'm tired of looking around for her in public, hoping to catch a glimpse somehow. I'm tired of having to journal these feelings because I can't seem to let her go. But I will because I MUST get myself under control and back to normal. I'm tired of the struggle to get past this, but I will keep on. I'm tired of the headaches and heartaches this limerence has given me. I'm tired of wishing I could go back and live our relationship differently. I'm tired of making steps forward one day just to fall back a few steps the next day. I feel like I've fallen so far back from where I was a couple weeks ago. I'm tired of having to remind myself that the best way to love her is to let her go completely. I'm tired mentally and emotionally. And she's most likely not thinking about me much, if at all. So why am I doing this to myself? Ugh... Thank you for reading this. Sorry that I'm not doing as well as I had hoped by now. I promise I will press on, though. I hope to have much better news to give in my next update.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Thoughts?

Post by L-F »

HelpWithGOLO wrote: Sun Mar 05, 2023 4:20 am Like, maybe we can somehow stay in touch, at least long enough to know that she's not thinking of me negatively,
Whether she thinks about you positively or negatively, it's none of your business.

I could have written your entire post.
I know exactly how it feels.
Complete madness.
The few steps forward and then back to square one.
Fighting, the head vs the heart, always at war.
Nothing made sense.
I didn't make sense.

I can't help you other than to say, yup, I get it. I understand why you feel the way you do.

Keep going. It will mean nothing to you now but just know there is a way out of limerence. You'll find it, just keep going.

I no longer struggle with my feelings or thoughts when it comes to LO. Instead, all that is left is gratitude for the experience.

Keep looking forward.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
peter.rabbit
Posts: 450
Joined: Wed Jul 24, 2019 12:27 am
United States of America

Re: Thoughts?

Post by peter.rabbit »

HelpWithGOLO wrote: Sun Mar 05, 2023 4:20 am Thank you for reading this. Sorry that I'm not doing as well as I had hoped by now. I promise I will press on, though. I hope to have much better news to give in my next update.
@HelpWithGOLO, I read each of your posts, each feeling, each situation you've described rings so familiar with me. In your own time you will find the peace in your soul that you seek.

I continue to cope with my LE as best I can. My LO is moving on in her life after the loss of her husband, I hope that if it is right for her that she find someone who can be fulfilling in her life. I have my wife, and am striving to make the best of life for us.
Weak people revenge.
Strong people forgive.
Intelligent people ignore.
-Albert Einstein
HelpWithGOLO
Posts: 94
Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2023 10:06 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Thoughts?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

This past week, against my better judgement, I searched for her on social media. I know. I'm still berating myself. I lost control temporarily and I feel sick to my stomach for doing it. I really didn't think I'd find her but I did. I'm proud to say that I didn't send her a friend request or any messages. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I haven't gone back since. But I want so badly to send her a message. Just to wish her well and say goodbye at last. Maybe finally give myself a sense of closure so I can start moving on. At the same time, I'm really scared about how she'd react. Have I waited too long?Would she be happy that I tried to say a "proper" farewell? What if she already suspects I have a crush on her? Would she be weirded out or, worse, get angry that I reached out to her? I don't know how I could live with the regret if I upset her. I'm still trying to get over the heartbreak I already feel over her. Maybe she wouldn't say anything at all, which would definitely hurt, too. I've tried looking at this from her point of view. How would I feel if some coworker that I only knew for a short time reached out to me after over a month of being gone? Mind you, I'm not writing to confess my feelings for her or anything. I shouldn't feel as strongly about her as I do and it's so hard to deal with. I'm married and she knows that. I know she has a fiancee and is not interested in me in a romantic way. We were, at best, work friends and I would address her in that way. I wish I could say what I want to say in person but this would be better than nothing. Part of me keeps saying to just leave her alone. I keep going over and over this in my mind. What if she's been wanting me to get in touch? Maybe not. But I also don't want to always be pondering what could have happened if I had tried to reach out. The uncertainty is killing me. I know that if I go through with this, the consequences could be good or bad. I can't unsend the message. But the idea of doing nothing drives me crazy, too. I wish I could ask my wife for her opinion. To her knowledge, I had an intense crush on this woman but I left it behind me back when the job ended. I don't want to upset her by bringing her up again. I certainly can't tell her about all the hours I've spent obsessing over this other woman. I can't tell her that I fell for this woman and now I'm trying to get over the unrequited emotions. I know it's wrong. I shouldn't be feeling this way about her but I do. I wish I could just let her go. I'm sick of the pain of holding on but I can't stop myself. She's so special to me but she's not meant to be mine. I wish I could tell her what she truly means to me. She deserves the happiness and wonderful life that I know I could never give her. I need to focus on giving my wife the life she deserves. I hate that this fight is still going on in my head. I wish I could be rational. I hope and pray for the day when I can look back at these posts and not feel this conflict anymore.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Thoughts?

Post by L-F »

Do it
Do it so that you'll regret it so darn hard every day.
Do it so that your heart will learn because embarrasment will stop you from wanting to do it again.

I had this great discussion with JD (past member) about some limerents needing to put their hand in the fire (figuratively) to learn they will get burned. We KNOW fire burns but some just have to test it out for themselves.

No one can talk logically to one of those people. Don't be one of those people.

Good thing you are writing it out here instead of doing it. There's a section in the members area created specifically for this.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
HelpWithGOLO
Posts: 94
Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2023 10:06 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Thoughts?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

@L-F Thank you for talking me down. Not the answer I wanted to hear, obviously, but the one I needed. :) I really needed to hear the truth, no matter how much it hurts. Thank you for saving me from myself. The more I think about it, the more I realize that the risk just isn't worth it. No doubt I'd make a complete fool of myself. I've already been doing that for far too long. As much as I hate how things are, there's nothing I can do that will change what happened. It all went down the way it did for a reason. I need to stop digging this hole deeper and start learning to climb back out. I miss the illusion of her so much. But it's all an illusion. I keep telling myself that but I can't seem to listen. I honestly don't think I really want to, deep down. I've got more to say about that but not tonight.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Thoughts?

Post by L-F »

One day at a time.
I've walked in your shoes so to speak.

If you ever feel like 'doing' anything, you can write about it here and ask others what they think. The majority will reply with "DON'T do xyx"
That's because most of the time it comes from experience.
If they (LO) wanted you, you'd be told so in one form or another. There would be NO second-guessing it.

It may come across that im projecting my situation where I told LO, which was a dumb thing to do, but... I don't care anymore. No shame or guilt. So... Do what pleases you, just know you'll likely suffer the not-so-nice stuff (guilt, shame, embarrassment, depression, etc), for the length of time it takes to heal from limerence. Your guess is as good as mine.

I haven't heard of one situation where a person feels proud for disclosing to their LO.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Thoughts?

Post by L-F »

L-F wrote: Sun Mar 12, 2023 9:14 am .. for the length of time it takes to heal from limerence.
Keep in mind 'heal' is a buzzword. You could use 'manage limerence' or 'cope with limerent emotions', etc. They are all buzzwords to me which mean the same thing - do what you need to do to feel better about your situation long-term.


'Limerence' at the mo is a buzzword.
So too is 'narcissism'. Buzzwords are overused and watered down, IMO. So please don't assume once you are no longer feeling limerent that that's the end of it.

Being here is a great start! And never feel like you are posting too much. You'd have to beat me or JT's post count to be posting too much =))
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
HelpWithGOLO
Posts: 94
Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2023 10:06 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Thoughts?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

I thought a lot about what you said, L-F. You're right. I need to stop second guessing about feelings that are not there. It's tough because I've trained myself to do it for so long now. I read into everything she said and did. This morning I considered writing a message to her again. Just a simple message saying that I liked getting to know her briefly followed by best wishes. It's saved in my email. I definitely left out any mention of romantic feelings and all. Basically what I would have said in person. Just to get it out of my system. I just can't get up the courage to send it. I don't know why. It's not like I'll probably ever see her again anyway. What could I do if she doesn't reply? On the other hand, what would I really gain from reaching out? I've given this so much thought lately. Maybe it's because she's the closest friend I've had in a long time and it's killing me to see her go. Who knows when or if I'll meet someone like her again? Things were great before I lost my mind over her. There was real potential for a longer friendship, I think. Opening up to new people has always been hard for me. So to have this nice woman reach out to me first when we met was a wonderful feeling. I suppose I want to contact her so it'll feel like we're still friends. I realize it would be impossible to stay friends with her at this point given my out of control infatuation, but still... I don't know. I want to talk to her but I'm afraid of how it'll look. I know it's ultimately up to me to decide and I'll have to deal with the result. I'm just so tired of thinking about all this. I want to be free.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Thoughts?

Post by L-F »

Would you have felt the same way about the friendship if she was a man? What stops you from creating close friendships with men? Going by a few of David's posts, I would say it was less about friendship and more about sex because apparently, that's how men are hardwired.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
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