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Thoughts?

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
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HelpWithGOLO
Posts: 94
Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2023 10:06 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Thoughts?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

I don't have much of an update on my situation this time. I'm mostly getting on here to ramble real quick. Bad news first: A month ago I was talking on here about finding a way to get in touch with my LO. Back then I was convinced that it wouldn't hurt just to go see her in person once or send her a message. A few days ago, I was talking to someone I'm trying to befriend and we were talking about the job I left. I told him I was missing some of my coworkers, but one in particular a lot. I didn't tell him that I had a serious crush on this person, just that I feel like we had a connection. I was feeling sad about it so I told him how I had thought about dropping in to see her. I know I shouldn't have said it. I was trying hard not to cry right then and it just slipped out. He told me that I should sometime. When I told him I wasn't sure, he encouraged me to do so. He believes it'd be a nice thing to do for a friend. He meant well and didn't know the whole situation. I saw him again Friday and he casually asked me if I'd thought anymore about it. I tried to gently blow off the topic. Now I can't stop thinking about it again. I've also thought a lot about just sending her a quick "hello, hope you're doing well" message. I have no intention of disclosing my feelings. There's no point in chasing her. I know that. The real person doesn't have feelings for me. But I can't help but wonder if she'd like it if I tried to contact her. As friends. I'd be ok with just a chance to say farewell to her in person. Am I about to make a mistake? I know it's ultimately my decision and I've talked about this to death. I think I know what people are going to tell me. But I'm asking for advice anyway. I realize that this could go very badly but I really want to try. I just want closure. I need it. I really, really wish that last day had gone differently. If only I could've said goodbye. I was 100% ready to let her go that day. Instead, it ended badly and I'm stuck wondering about how she feels about me. It shouldn't matter anymore but it does to me. I don't know how to let go. I've tried so very hard. I can't think about her without that last memory coming up. I've even thought about asking my wife if it'd be ok with her if I reached out this one time. Just a goodbye to a former coworker. I'm afraid that I might hurt her when she finds out I'm still thinking about my crush this much. I'm also afraid of how the real person (not my LO) might react to me reaching out to her. I want to believe she'd like to hear from me. We were work friends at the time. I don't want to potentially make things worse but I can't stand the way things are. Geez, I'm stuck in a loop. I thought I had made progress on this.
I do have some good news: I made it through this past weekend without crying over my LO once. I had a brief period in the morning where I was feeling down but I was able to power through it. Saturday is the day that I had my heartbreaking experience, and when the exact minute rolls around each week I always feel tense. Unfortunately, I can't forget the exact time it was. The memories come flowing in and I relive it all again at that time. I tried not to watch the clock this time but I still noticed. I didn't cry this time, and the lump in my throat wasn't nearly as bad as it has been. I know it's a small victory, but it meant so much. I don't know when or if the pain will go away completely, but I'm so happy that I'm starting to learn to live with it. I look forward to the day I can move on completely.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Thoughts?

Post by L-F »

If you are a man of your word in that you are only interested in seeing her as a friend, then you could take your wife with you. That way, you won't be able to hide behind the lies you tell yourself, such as, "There's no point in chasing her", or the rationalisation "we were work friends". You'll have to confront your limerent demons right in front of your wife. Which in my opinion, is being honest and loyal (to their SO) who is using their partner to keep them on the straight and narrow. Just a thought.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
HelpWithGOLO
Posts: 94
Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2023 10:06 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Thoughts?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

That's a very good point. Thank you!
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Thoughts?

Post by L-F »

My definition of cheating is doing something you know your SO won't like, behind their back.

The last thing you want is to battle limerence AND guilt. One is enough on its own. Good luck!
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
HelpWithGOLO
Posts: 94
Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2023 10:06 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Thoughts?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

That's true. I feel bad enough that the whole experience is even happening in the first place. I don't know if my wife would even be willing to want to go meet my LO in the first place. I know I'd be uncomfortable talking with someone I knew she had a crush on. Even worse if I knew that crush was as bad as mine has become. I agree that it'd be better to take her with me to keep me honest and in control. Ultimately, it's how she'd feel that matters. I will try to ask but I'll respect her decision no matter what. If she doesn't want to go, neither should I. As much as I want to see my LO again, she never should have become more important than my wife in my eyes. I still can't believe I let it get this bad.
HenrySilver
Posts: 20
Joined: Fri Dec 16, 2022 2:30 pm
United States of America

Re: Thoughts?

Post by HenrySilver »

GOLO, I’m in a similar situation. I’ve done and thought the same things as you. My LO is a close friend and coworker. My limerence was at its worst a few months ago, and I feel like I’m in the recovery stage.

I still look over my shoulder to see if she’s in her office. My heart still jumps when I see her car in the parking lot, or the same name and model out on the road. I understand the shame and embarrassment. The profound feeling of loss and rejection.

For a long time I went between minimal contact and casual contact. I thought I could maintain a casual friendship. No more one-on-one lunches, etc., but I’m realizing that even casual will just drag the limerence on forever.

I’m trying to go no contact. I take a back hallway to get to my office so I avoid passing her. I’m engaging in the ongoing group text we have with our friends. Avoiding group lunches also. It feels lonely but I think it’s the only way to get past this.

I’ve put my focus on my wife and kids. My relationship with my wife has improved greatly since I’ve been learning to be more present instead of constantly being preoccupied by my LO. I hope you can work through this. It was helpful for me to think: Do I want to look back at this LE in 5 or 10 years and regret losing out on all the quality time with my wife and kids? Over someone who is just a friend? Life is short. There’s so much more to life than obsessing over an unavailable person. I don’t want to let limerence rob me of all of that.
Male, married
LO, married coworker/close friend
HelpWithGOLO
Posts: 94
Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2023 10:06 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Thoughts?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

Thank you for your sympathy and advice, Henry. You've given me a lot to think about. "Obsessing over an unavailable person". Yeah, that's it exactly. There's nothing to gain from this and it's only causing me pain. Yet I still wake up each day, wondering how she's doing. I try to remind myself that I'm loving and missing an imaginary version of someone I knew. I keep considering dropping in to see her at work but it's becoming less and less appealing. I'd like to think she'd be happy to see me but I'm also afraid she'd be indifferent or, worse, be cold toward me. I don't think I could handle the rejection. I'm trying to be content with the memories I have. It's not ideal but it's better than making a bigger fool of myself. I still can't believe the power I've allowed this fantasy to have over me. But I do feel like I'm finally starting to move forward. Each week, as part my new job, I end up driving past where we worked together. I still wave in her general direction (she was a friend after all) but I don't feel a lump in my throat when I do. I'm trying to stop watching for her in public. I made it through last weekend without noticing the anniversary time of when I broke down at work. While I did feel a little down, I didn't go cry over her in secret like I have in the past. My wife and I got together with a couple we haven't seen in a year. I talked one on one with the husband and didn't feel judged or inferior. That's a HUGE deal for me. We're making plans with long lost friends. I've been able to start being friendly with women I meet without feeling hurt because they reminded me of my LO. Loneliness was definitely a factor that led to my situation. I'm focusing my attention more on my wife. She and I are planning a trip for our upcoming 20th anniversary this summer. We're going to see family and friends that we haven't seen in a long time. I'm trying to focus on my art and writing to help work through these emotions. All of this is helping. She's still on my mind all the time but I no longer feel like my world is ending. There are days where I feel like she was a dream I made up. Like it was all a romantic dream turned nightmare that I'm finally waking up from. Then, other times, I find myself feeling sad, as if we really had been together and broke up. My overactive imagination paints fantasies of us that I wish could've happened. I mull over what I could've done differently, as if these fantasies could've happened if I had done the right things. I imagine us dating, married and what our life together would be like. I then have to bring myself back to reality, which never feels good. But yeah, it's all a foolish obsession. I'm really trying to fight it. It's weird to say but at the same time I think I'm addicted to ALL the feelings I have about her: the emotional highs, the infatuation, the sense of loss, the heartbreak and depression. It doesn't make sense when I think about it but I think deep down I don't want to stop feeling any of these emotions over her. I guess I'm afraid that if I do it'll mean that she's really not part of my life and never will be again. I truly am an addict: I know this is harmful for me but I can't make myself stop completely yet. Does that make sense? Looking back on what I've written above, I feel like two different people typed this. Same goes for all my posts, I guess. At least I can say I'm making steps forward. I'm still that man who broke down on his last day at work. I still feel his pain and loss. I have his bittersweet memories. I want to go back in time to that day, put my arms around him and hold him tight. I would promise him that yes, this is so very painful but he WILL be ok. Unlike him, I know that things will get better and he'll be here today, nearly three months later, feeling hopeful. I'm looking forward to the future. I look forward to seeing how much better off my future self will be. This experience has taken so much from me. I am trying to minimize the loss from now on.
Drawon
Posts: 18
Joined: Wed Mar 29, 2023 4:50 pm
Great Britain

Re: Thoughts?

Post by Drawon »

Hang in there bud all will be well.Today I looked at a phot of a previous LO.I felt nothing.Couldn’t see why I put myself through all that heartache.Yet here I am again stuck in the loop with a new one.
Talking here helps,people get it.Good luck to you!
HelpWithGOLO
Posts: 94
Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2023 10:06 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Thoughts?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

Thank you, Drawon. :) I appreciate your support as well as everyone else's on here. I haven't been as interested in journaling my feelings lately as I used to be. Maybe it's a sign I'm getting better. I'm also just tired of writing the same things over and over with seemingly no change. I'm feeling really angry with myself these days for letting my emotions get this bad. I just want to not feel anything. All I feel lately is pain and sadness and loss. Over a stupid fantasy. Over someone who I'm starting to question even thought of me as a friend. Hopefully she did but I'm feeling really depressed today so I'm struggling to think anything positive. I'm so tired of pretending everything is ok when I'm hurting inside. I just want to move on. I want to feel normal. *sigh* I had another dream about her last night. As usual I woke up just as things were getting, let's say, "good". I know it's just a dream but it's not helping. I shouldn't be feeling like this. I have days where it seems I am letting go of her finally, only to have a buildup of emotions another day and suddenly I want to cry all over again. I'm so tired of this rollercoaster. I guess, on the plus side, it's not an everyday thing. I've heard people say to be patient and
allow myself time to heal. I guess I'm trying to rush this too much. I just want to be past this. It's so frustrating when I keep failing despite all my efforts. I keep thinking I'm getting somewhere, just to get my legs swept out from under me. I guess if nothing else, it's strengthening my resolve to never let this happen again.
HelpWithGOLO
Posts: 94
Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2023 10:06 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Thoughts?

Post by HelpWithGOLO »

Well, today marks the 3-month anniversary of my NC. I guess technically last night did since that was the last time I saw her. Today was the day I got my heart broken when I found out she was gone. In any case, it's 3 months now today. I'm surprised how quickly the time has gone. As anyone who has followed this thread knows, I'm definitely having my ups and downs. I'm really missing her today. I keep reminding myself that it's all fantasy but the heartache is still there. It's troubling to see how much control I've let my emotions have over me. I find myself wondering all the time how she's doing. I still haven't been back to see her though I have considered it. I can only assume she still works the same hours and that she still has a fiance. I really hope she and him have a very long and happy life together. I won't lie; I feel very jealous of him despite knowing I have no reason to be. Again, it's all projection. I spend a lot of hours working at home alone now, so I feel very lonely when my wife is at work. That of course leads me to thinking about my LO all the time. I'm trying to focus on my art and writing to distract me. Still, I feel quite lonely at times. Unfortunately, loneliness was a factor in my LE to begin with. I really miss having her to talk to. I still wish I could've said a proper goodbye but I'm trying to let that go. It sucks that my time with her ended the way it did. She was my absolute favorite coworker, and not just because I was infatuated with her. I really feel we had a connection. I'll always consider her a friend. I'm trying to find new friends to ease the loneliness but it's been so very challenging. But I'm trying. I mentioned this before but I've been feeling less inclined to share my feelings here as much like I used to. The emotional pain is easing off so I don't feel as much of a need for an outlet. Until days like today where it all hits me again. I'm thankful that the feelings of loss and depression aren't a constant thing any more. Too bad they still show up, though.
Speaking of thankful, I want to thank everyone who's replied on this thread so far. You all helped me so very much. I was so lost when I first came here but I feel hope that I will get through this. Along the way I've learned a lot about myself and my personal demons. I can't say it was always enjoyable. I'm trying to learn from this experience so I can hopefully stop myself from doing all this again. I hate that I have to feel these sad emotions when I remember my friend. Especially when friends are hard to find, at least for me. Well, I've rambled enough. I will post again soon as it really does help to get this all out of my head and onto here. I hope this journal will help someone else in their struggle, too. Maybe it already is.
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