Thoughts?

[L-F]

Hex...
Another meme *eye roll*
Yep. Another one to sum up life. It could relate to finding that perfect person, whomever it is, a newbie, ex-wife? Or no one but self, etc.

You settle where you find peace. Not beauty. Not money. Not status. But peace.


For SO & I, peace is found in self, meaning, should we find ourselves on our own, we'd be happy to stay that way. Another person wouldn't bring us happiness, they would only complement our already happy life [once we've processed the grief]. If it were to happen so be it. It's not something either of us feel we'd entertain to feel complete, we both feel complete on our own.

I hope you are no longer inflicted with limerence. All the best.

[HelpWithGOLO]

I'm at the eight month mark now of no contact.
I'm still struggling, unfortunately. She's still on my mind almost all day long and it takes work to focus on other things at times. I still feel so very disappointed with how things turned out between us. I really, really liked her and wanted her to be my friend. I will never know if she actually thought of me in that way or was just being nice to the new guy. I wish I could talk to someone else who could have witnessed our interactions who could tell me if I'm reading way too much into what actually happened. In my delusional state I like to imagine my crush on her was mutual but I'm trying so hard not to dwell on that since there's no future in it at this point. Nor was there ever, really. I thought recently about reaching out to her via social media again. Just to say hello and see how she's doing. But as soon as I did I took a step back and considered a few things. First, how would I explain it to my wife? What am really I hoping to gain? How would I feel if my wife were to do the same thing? Did I really know my LO well enough to justify reaching out to her out of the blue? How would she interpret my actions? So, I've done nothing. As I keep reminding myself, I made a commitment to someone else long before I met her and my LO has done the same. I don't know how to make this obsession stop. I've tried talking to a few people about it but it always comes out the same. Variations of "You're a cheater. It's just lust. You should be ashamed of yourself. You're a terrible person" are what I get. Usually before I can tell the full story and what I'm thinking and feeling now. It feels like they don't even listen. And feeling judged and rejected like this are a couple of the factors that I think led to my LE in the first place. I keep thinking about telling my wife about what's going on in my head. I just don't know how to begin. I know that, if nothing else, she'd support me in my efforts to recover and I wouldn't have to pretend any more. I'm open to any suggestions to how I might tell her. I might have asked before but that was some time ago if I did. I'm also thinking about finding a professional to talk to about this as well. I'm starting to worry I can't beat this on my own. It's definitely taking longer than I ever expected.
So, eight months along. I feel hopeful that I can move on but I continue to have good and bad days with it. I get frustrated because I feel like I keep repeating myself on here. I start getting better, something happens to trip me up and suddenly I'm back to my old way of thinking. For now, I keep taking it one day at a time and congratulating myself at the end of each week for making it.

[yoguisan]

I'm in a similar situation, and I don't really see a reason to disclose, no matter how much I want it I think it would do more harm than good. I could lose someone I love a lot and who loves me equally over someone who doesn't even care I'm alive. I highly recommend you think this through before you decide. Also, people who don't have it don't understand it. When I spoke it to someone once, they simply told me "divorce her already". And don't feel bad for repeating yourself. To me at least, it's cyclical; it will eventually come back. Say what you need here; we're here to help each other and share our feelings and information.

Get help if you can. It's never a shame. Don't try to power through it on your own. I made this mistake and it's costing me dearly now. Therapy is not an easy or quick process, but so isn't healing a broken leg for example. It's something we have to do.

[HelpWithGOLO]

Thank you, yoguisan. I've been thinking it over for months now and I'm still not 100% sure what to do. My wife knows I had a serious crush on my LO but I know she'd rather not talk about it any more. I'd feel the same way. As far as she knows my crush ended when I left that job. The thing I'm most afraid of is the initial disclosure. I honestly don't know how she might react when I tell her I'm secretly obsessing over a coworker I haven't seen since January and probably never will again. I don't want to upset her or hurt her over something I can't quite explain myself. But I also feel like I'm lying to her by not telling her that I'm having a problem. I wish I could stop thinking about my LO but somehow everything reminds me of her. I keep imagining I see her out in public but every time it's not her. I get stressed out every time it happens. Worse, she shares a lot of physical similarities with my wife so sometimes I "see" them both at the same time. Especially her smile. You can imagine how unnerving that can be. At the same time I'm so very exhausted from pretending I'm doing ok. I know I need to forget about my LO but nothing I've tried has worked. The pain has dulled quite a bit, I've managed to reduce the random urge to cry but I still miss her company. I remind myself over and over that she's not the perfect woman in my head. And she's with someone else. We were not meant to be. Life with her wouldn't be the perfect dream I imagine it would be. I tell myself that ad nausem, but a small part of me deep down still won't listen. I keep having fantasies pop up that make me sad to think about. I dream about her every now and then. I wish I knew how I ended up here so I can not only get out but never, ever do this again. Bottom line, I'll still give it a lot more thought before I do anything. I've been looking for possible help but haven't reached out to anyone yet. It's on the tip of my tongue to tell my wife that I want to talk to someone about my depression and anxiety issues. I feel my LE happened in part because of them so maybe a therapist can help me fix it all. Thank you again for your advice. I love that I can come on here, tell everything on my mind and not get judged for it. Instead, people on here get it and it's so comforting to know I'm not as alone as I feel sometimes. I'm so thankful I found this place.

[yoguisan]

I know how that feels. I also feel bad not telling my wife what I've been so down about. But I know it's not going to do our marriage any good. Even though it involves someone else, it's my demon to fight. But don't worry. You're not cheating on her. Sometimes we have no control over what we feel. We only have control over what we do about it. If anything, tell her you're depressed or anxious and need help, it's what I did. It sucks not saying the reasons, but doing so in my opinion is not worth the hassle and the pain you might cause.

I've learned that forgetting is out of question. Lest we're victims of some bizarre accident, but then the memory probably won't be the only thing we lose. Trying to figure out what triggers it may be a good start, if you can. And I know how exhausting it is to pretend; I've been doing it for two weeks or so, and I can't stand it. But I see no other option for now.

[HelpWithGOLO]

I'm sorry you're going through this too, yoguisan. I really appreciate your insight, though. The more I think about it, the more sense it makes not to say anything, at least not yet. It's not like she can cause me to stop having these thoughts and feelings. Unfortunately I'm the only one who can. I've been pretending for eight months now that there's nothing wrong with me but it's been awful. She's well aware of my depression and anxiety issues and has been extremely supportive of me. Even if I wasn't dealing with limerence as well, I should have probably talked to someone about my issues a very long time ago. I suppose this LE was needed to bring these things to my attention, to realize that I need to deal them. I just need to start the process and reach out.
Thank you for understanding my feelings and not judging me. When I realized how out of control my feelings for my LO had become, it really scared me. I've been attracted to other women during our marriage but it was always superficial and fleeting and I never would have acted on it. With this woman it was different. I've never had such an intense crush like this. No, this has become an obsession. I feel like a part of me is missing now that she's no longer in my life. I haven't felt quite like myself since she left. I hate feeling like this. I feel sad and depressed and can't stop overanalyzing every interaction we ever had. I shouldn't be feeling like this about another woman. It's not like we were ever even together. Yet I hurt as if we were, as if we dated, got married, split up and now I'm grieving the loss of the relationship. I also feel the pain of our lost friendship, which is really hard for me as I don't have many close friends to begin with. I'm trying to just be thankful for the memories I have and for her kindness toward me when I needed a friend. But I keep feeling like we could have had more. I know I probably won't ever forget her but I need to stop living in the past. I wish I could start moving on already. I've lost so much time.

[yoguisan]

I suppose this LE was needed to bring these things to my attention, to realize that I need to deal them

Same. I was starting to get depressive a few weeks before, but I just thought I could go on with it. Until the day limerence hit me like a brick. Things like these sure are bad, but they do show us we're not OK and need to do something about it.

I know exactly how you feel about having feelings for someone other than SO. We feel guilty, like we're cheating, but I believe if we had the choice, we wouldn't do this. I also overanalyze everything (in my case it's a bit worse because LO is an ex), I think it relates to our underlying anxiety.

Moving on is hard. I still haven't figured out how to do it, so I can't give you advice on that. But hopefully with therapy and better care to ourselves, we'll get over it soon. As I said, I realize now it's not about forgetting; I tried that for years and failed.

[HelpWithGOLO]

I agree with you about if we had the choice, we wouldn't do this. I certainly wasn't looking for anyone when I first met my LO. I thought she was cute and all but that was the extent of it. In the early days when I started to think she might be flirting with me I was flattered but had no intentions of flirting back. It took me weeks before I started being tempted. I certainly did not expect to start losing my mind over her like I am now. I want to say I would have resisted had she ever hit on me or anything but I can't say that for sure. That part really bothers me. I never would have imagined being where I am now. I was actually kinda relieved at first to find out she was engaged but also a little disappointed that she probably didn't have feelings for me. That was when my trouble started. I projected far too much onto her in my desperate need for a friend and someone to make me feel special. I fed too much into the fantasy and eventually ended up breaking my own heart. I hate feeling sad and guilty like I do now and I want to be free. I want to feel normal and only have one woman on my mind and in my heart. The one who does love me and pledged to be mine for the rest of our lives. I've been trying to learn from this experience. When I meet an attractive woman who acts friendly toward me, I start thinking about my LE. I try to remind myself that this is how my trouble started last time so don't do this to myself again. Be friendly back but don't read into anything. Don't start fantasizing. It's been really hard not to repeat the cycle. I miss how she made me feel so special in those early days. I think I'm subconsciously trying to "fill" that void by finding another person to crush on. I know replacing one LO with another isn't going to solve anything. I should be looking to my wife and ONLY her to fulfill my needs and desires. I really do care about that other woman as a person and she'll probably always have special meaning to me. She came into my life when I needed her and I doubt I'll ever forget her. I do need to get over her, though. I need to confront my personal demons of depression and anxiety, not rely on other people to make me feel better about myself. At the same time, I'm trying so hard to meet new people and make friends. It's so tough when all I do is compare them to her and become afraid I'll end up losing them the same way. I need to stop these self-destructive cycles. I'm aware now that I'm doing it. Now I just have to find someone to help me stop. I hope you're able to get better soon as well.

[HelpWithGOLO]

I wish I could start this update by declaring that my LE is over, that I've finally recovered. Unfortunately I'm still dealing with intrusive thoughts and feelings. They're not as strong as they once were but they're still present.

My LO went from being a work friend to a crush to a full-on obsession around this time last year. It was a disturbingly quick descent into madness. I'm having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year because I'm reminded of her constantly. I find myself wondering how she's doing and plagued by thoughts of what she and her husband are probably doing for the holidays. I fantasize about me and her visiting our families together instead and it makes me very sad that it's not reality. I end up crying and I'm so sick of being this emotional. I want to enjoy this time of year like I used to. I know I will never be with my LO and even if I could she'd never live up to the fantasy I created. I tell myself over and over to let this go. I can't bear to go through another year of this. This has to stop. This should be a time for happiness and joy. I have to stop looking for her everywhere when I'm in public. I need to cherish the good memories of her and leave them in the past. I just can't seem to get over them, though, or the bad feelings about how my relationship with her ended.

I am aware of the irony of what I'm saying. I tell others that healing will take as long as it takes and that they shouldn't beat themselves up for failing or taking a longer time to heal than they expected. Yet I can't seem to take my own advice. I've always been hard on myself for my failures and mistakes. It's something I'm trying to work on.

But...I'd also like to share some of my recent victories. I hope this doesn't come across as egotistical. I'm just trying to focus on the positives and remind myself that I am making progress.

1. Weeks ago I had the opportunity to go visit my LO on my own. My wife was going to be busy for a few hours, our former workplace was on the way home and I was pretty sure my person would be there. But as soon as the idea came to mind, I asked myself what I was doing. Why did I feel the need to go see her? What would I really accomplish? What would my wife think if she ever found out? What did I hope to achieve by doing this? Would she even remember me? So I went straight home instead. I don't regret it. I've had several opportunities and each time I talked myself out of it.

2. I've started bike riding both alone and with a local group. It's helped me to exercise as well as meet new people, which helps alleviate my loneliness for a period of time. Time I won't be spending thinking about my LO. In addition, I've been losing weight and I'm feeling much better about myself. A lack of self-esteem was also a factor leading to my LE. I'm reaching out to people at church and slowly making friends my age. I'm trying to fight my apprehensions that things will turn out the same as they did with my LO. I've spent most of this year expecting everyone new that I meet to disappear on me like she did and I am only now seeing that that is totally unfair to these people and unhealthy. I know I don't know the full story of what was going on with my LO and I feel that if I truly care about her I should learn to forgive her. I have no proof that she meant me ill-will and even if she did there's no value in holding bitter feelings. While I can't say that I feel "true" love for her, I still care about her a lot and can't help but wonder how she's doing. I wish her the very best and hope she's living a happy life. I regret losing my mind over her but there's nothing I can do to change the past. I can show my love for her by leaving her alone and letting her be happy.

3. I'm learning a lot about myself and potential triggers for another LE. Recently I've met a couple of married women who are potential friends. I've caught myself staring when they weren't looking and smiling at that them a lot. One in particular has caused me alarm. I admit that I do find her attractive. I really like her smile and talking to her. She reminds me a lot of my LO. Yesterday my wife and I were at a dinner this woman was hosting at her house with her family and some other mutual friends and she put her hand on my arm to tell me something. It was an innocent gesture on her part but my mind started to go a direction I didn't want. I realized I kinda liked her touching me but then immediately thought "This is what happened last time! STOP!!" I CANNOT go down this road again. Anytime I talk to her I'm subconsciously reminding myself that she's just being nice. She's just a friend. She's married and I consider myself friends with him, too. It helps that my wife is usually in the same room so I'm not tempted to do anything stupid. I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing or subconsciously flirting so I am really, really trying to be self-aware of what I say, do and expressions on my face. It feels like I'm subconsciously trying to ease the pain of my current LO by creating another one and that is NOT okay. It's been difficult to slam the mental brakes on this but I'm really trying to fight back. I can't play with fire again. I'm reminding myself that my mind and emotions are trying to cure my sickness by trying a different flavor of poison. It's not going to go well and it'll just hurt me again. Maybe even worse this time. I'm glad I can see the danger ahead of time this time. I'm proud of myself for focusing on being her friend and successfully fighting any other feelings.

4. Finally, I'm trying a few other things to help alleviate the pain and they seem to help. I've been journaling my feelings in a private online journal. There's a website where people can anonymously express their feelings for crushes and I've used it to write out my own. Talking to others who post comments has helped me see that developing crushes when married is more common than I realized. I've recently decided to take a break from that page just because I felt it was leading to me dwelling on these emotions too much. I've begun trying to set aside a period of time early in the morning each day when I'm alone where I just let my mind wander and dwell on my feelings and thoughts of my LO. I try to analyze what I'm feeling and why and what I might be trying to accomplish through all this. I cry if I feel the need to do so. But once that period is over, I ban any and all thoughts of her as much as possible. It's challenging but I feel like it makes the rest of the day easier to get through. I hope it will get easier with practice. My goal is to be able to release all these feelings for my LO eventually and just be thankful for the good memories I have of her. It's taking a lot longer than I ever expected but I am not going to give up. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and while I don't fully understand why this LE did I hope I can turn it into something good and help others get through it, too. I look forward to making more progress in this coming year.

Thank you for listening.

[L-F]

Well done HelpwithGOLO

You'll soon see anyone can replace LO, as hard as that is to digest because we all feel LO is 'the one' so to speak. It's difficult to fathom another LO in LO's place, but, as you found out, it happens because of what we project upon them. LO, current or future, aren't all that. They are no different to your wife, except for the fact you aren't married to them. So yeah, we put them on a ridiculously high pedestal.

But well done to you for all of the hard work you are putting in. Your post will surely help others as you've outlined some great strategies.

All the best for this Christmas time. Since you mention you go to church, perhaps make it all about Christ. Holiday periods are especially difficult times to navigate for limerents.