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Is it possible to be fully healed such that you don't have flare ups if you see LO by chance?

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gymnasticsfan99
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Is it possible to be fully healed such that you don't have flare ups if you see LO by chance?

Post by gymnasticsfan99 »

I dated my LO for 5 years and almost married him. We have been broken up for 5 years since then. We went NC when we broke up and I am not connected to him on socials and do not permit myself reverie or stalking him online. Unfortunately, I still have intrusive thoughts about him but I choose not to indulge them. For this reason, I would consider my limerence mostly dormant.

However, I ran into him by chance a few months ago - we just said hi in passing, not a word more - and I had an awful flare up with the most intense craving to get back together with him (which is not possible since he is both emotionally abusive and also in another relationship). Is it possible for me to get to a point where, in the absence of a replacement LO, I am fully cured from this LO? Where I can see him without having this addictive and irrational craving take over and cause such pain and angst?

I would like to believe so. However, if I made the analogy of an ex-gambling addict who avoids casinos at all costs but then by chance one day ends up on the gambling floor, it seems like their innate addictive desire would flare up. So is it the same with limerent addicts? Our limerence goes dormant when there is no contact but it will flare up when we see them again?

If it IS possible to be fully cured, HOW? It's been 10 years now and I really would like to get to the point where it is FULLY gone and I am not triggered into a spiral of addiction and desire by running into him.

Thanks for your help!
L-F
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Re: Is it possible to be fully healed such that you don't have flare ups if you see LO by chance?

Post by L-F »

Hey, really good questions and ones that I can't answer.
There is still so much to learn about limerence. If you consider what approach you're taking (ie spiritual, psychological, etc) then the sky is the limit. There is no one set answer.

All I can do, as someone who is not pained by limerence, is ask questions such as "what draws you to emotionally abusive men?". I mean, you said you KNOW he is like this yet feel drawn to him, still. So. What's with putting emotionally abusive men on a pedestal? That might be something worth pondering.

I don't know if you can be fully healed. All I believe in is MANAGING emotions. I'm currently being drawn in by a butch lesbian like a moth to a flame. She's seasoned if you will, so knows how to sweet-talk/charm women, especially one's she feels are sitting on the fence so to speak. It's such a thrill for lesbians to 'turn' straight women, such a challenge! So ego-gratifying! But is it more about the chase(hunt), or the person? I'm sure the same goes for men. Such a privilege to say something has been conquered.

So... time will tell if I fall limerent. Or it could be a simple case of wanting what I can't have. Who knows! For me, it's about managing the situation at hand.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
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Re: Is it possible to be fully healed such that you don't have flare ups if you see LO by chance?

Post by L-F »

In short, it could be more about the situation rather than the person. Does having an affair and sneaking around cause adrenalin for an adrenaline junkie for example? Is it more about ego building?

If we truly loved the other person we would let them go.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Zsababy
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Re: Is it possible to be fully healed such that you don't have flare ups if you see LO by chance?

Post by Zsababy »

I think L-F's response is pretty spot on. Look at why you are drawn to an emotionally abusive man. Were any significant people in your life emotionally abusive?

Also, you do everything right so far & have a lot of self-restraint. I admire that because I lack it.

And I agree, & David will too, that it's not cured, only managed. For me, one limerance can die but another one takes it's place sooner rather than later.
David
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Re: Is it possible to be fully healed such that you don't have flare ups if you see LO by chance?

Post by David »

That’s a great question, and I do know of some people who claim to no longer feel Limerence for their LO. So yes, perhaps it is possible. The others above have given some really good responses so I won’t repeat their great advice.

What I do know is that I have not seen my LO for more than a decade now, and if I would bump into her, I’m pretty sure I would get reactivated. One of my own personal reflections is because I have chosen to continue my work with helping people with Limerece i can still occasionally get triggered and LO will pop up in one of my dreams. I bounceback much quicker now but it does take me back to some of that longing and desire that we all know so well. Had I not chosen this path I suspect some of my feelings would’ve got pushed back down into my unconscious, which is never a good thing.
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
townshend
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Re: Is it possible to be fully healed such that you don't have flare ups if you see LO by chance?

Post by townshend »

Yes. There’s still residue but I’ve experienced the unbelievable- seeing LO face-to-face after all of this, and not experienced the roller coaster I used to.
No good has ever come from feeling guilty neither intelligence, policy, nor compassion. The guilty do not pay attention to the object but only to themselves and not even to their own interests, which might make sense, but to their anxieties. -Paul Goodman
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