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Fired Therapist

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
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David
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Re: Fired Therapist

Post by David »

Fascinating reading your accounts of the first moments, you set eyes on your LO.

For those of us where the attraction was pretty instantaneous, it is curious as to what is going on when we know nothing about the other person.

With my own limerence , somebody pointed out on the precursor to this forum at tribes.net my meeting with LO was very similar to the beginning of the Bette noir movie, Brief Encounter where two strangers meet at a train station, he, a doctor, where he removes a speck of coal dust (made in 1945 where they had steam trains then) from the eye of a female co-passenger. Their eyes meet in that moment of intimacy. They want to have an affair.

within 10 minutes of meeting my LO when she discovered I was a doctor (obviously me being manipulative in disclosing my background) she asked me to check out a small wound just below her eye. She had had a skin blemish surgically removed a couple of days before, and was worried about it being infected. At the time I wasn’t aware of the meeting of eyes, however, I can’t help thinking that something was going on in that brief transaction, along with everything else that is the mystery of Limerence.
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
Drawon
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Re: Fired Therapist

Post by Drawon »

I’m finding this whole thread fascinating.My LO has this energy/pull.I felt it the first time I set eyes on her.I instantly knew I wanted to be around her and alas it grew from there :(
L-F
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Re: Fired Therapist

Post by L-F »

L-F wrote: Mon Apr 17, 2023 5:56 am LO was able to work her magic in the classroom except it never worked on me. If anything, I was the annoying naive student who just wanted to learn without bowing down to anyone.
In the first year, I was competing with myself (grades). After that when I discovered I was limerent, I tried to impress LO. Limerence sure warps one's mind! But I wasn't one to hang around her while the others demanded her time (as if she was a celebrity) lol
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
vesseloflight
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Re: Fired Therapist

Post by vesseloflight »

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Last edited by vesseloflight on Mon Jan 22, 2024 8:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Asha999
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Re: Fired Therapist

Post by Asha999 »

So no drama to really report, just circling the drain of limerence over here. I ran into the friend who introduced me to the fired coach/therapist…that made me struggle a little. If I ever came across the fired coach I’d probably have some major reaction, even a former friend associated with her was enough.

So working with a new therapist to untangle the web of limerence, the underlying factors, my not so great marriage (also in counseling thanks to the fired coach blowing the lid off things with the lawsuit threat… my husband now sees my “being a lesbian” despite never so much as holding hands with another woman as the root of our problems). I bet like a lot of people here I’ve identified some real maternal emotional neglect and resulting feelings of unworthiness and need for validation and acceptance at the core of my limerence. LO hit right at the core of what I’ve missed in all relationships (parent, spouse, friends) because as my coach she was doing her job. This makes me super upset… that I was so naive and desperate as to confuse that for anything else, for thinking I’m somehow special to her… but also that I so wanted that all to be real and ran full away with the fantasy for hours upon hours, like why can’t I have that from someone? Ever? Anyone? Ugh.

After the tornado of limerence I feel like I have to take some sort of action, ending my marriage and opening the door to some sort of actually fulfilling relationship seems to be the logical one. But um yeah wrestling with the knowledge I’m some damaged goods here and I would rather do anything than end up limerent again… I’m not sure I can avoid that because even though I get it now… what do I give any potential mate a limerence disclaimer to not make me uncertain in the early phases of a relationship less all hell break loose in my mind and heart? I feel like I now have a known risk factor and trying to pursue any future relationship is stupid and or dangerous. And should that make me just stay and not upset the whole balance of my kids, husband and my life? And for a brief moment I has some actual enthusiasm that this sexuality question might have some answers behind it and might be why my past relationships were so bad or lacking… it’s been shocking to me find out how really unaccepting or squeamish the few people I’ve told the full story to are of that element. That is not a path I’m looking forward to walking down at this point.

Accepting limerence and its underpinnings is weird. It feels freeing to know and understand what happened but also like I have a limiting mental health condition I can’t fundamentally overcome because, guess what, I was neglected by someone with a mental health condition and just want to experience love. But too much so that’s it’s now a disorder that prevents that… oh yeah and I’m guarded and unfeeling due to lack of experiencing love. The work I have to do in therapy is around not suppressing emotions, but when I started trying that I went full blown limerent within days… I had it under control before and mostly now by being squarely in executive functioning mode. Like where the hell is the exit from this impossible catch 22 conundrum? And LO, oh yeah she’s just there every day. While I keep trying to minimize her influence despite wanting nothing more than to soak up every little interaction like someone dying of thirst. Even getting away from her doesn’t really change much. I really would love to know any kind of actual actions to take to start fixing these root problems, many of which I’ve long identified even if I didn’t understand their full effects.
JupiterTaco
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Re: Fired Therapist

Post by JupiterTaco »

I have a few things to say. First, I found in my experience that when I was able to focus on other things that I was passionate about, I started attracting more attention. But I do believe that even though I spent a lot of time focused on former LOs, there were frequently people just as focused if not more so on me, and I just never acknowledged it, either because I felt bad because I know what it's like, or I didn't let myself think it meant anything.

Also, real love is different from limerence. Real love is knowing someone, maybe not always liking them but being able to coexist in a healthy way once the lust or whatever wears off and mutual respect and caring. I know for years I projected that former LOs respected my boundaries in ways my few partners didn't and that was my unacknowledged reason for being stuck on them, and that's something that hasn't changed except that I've admitted that I don't know for sure if former LOs would've respected my boundaries so it's really not smart to project things onto people whom you don't really know and call that reality.

I hate to be that guy, but reading up on toxic relationship patterns including narcissism might help you at least avoid ones with problems so that you can cut out and early if someone starts showing them. Whichever patterns you think may apply to you. And again, this probably takes time. If you do that, eventually you'll be able to read people much better. Learning to look objectively at people and think about whether you like them rather than the other way around can have such vastly different results in your life.

David, to answer your long-ago posed question, elementary school LO kind of laughed shyly when I almost backed into him and that caught my attention. Middle school LO wouldn't stop staring at me and when I took it as offensive and asked what, he smiled widely and said nothing, and that was it. High school LO would blush and attempt to hide his face looking at me every time I turned around to look at the clock in one class we had in eighth grade and I happened to notice him one day and that was it. Fourth LO gave me this like comforting look that I still can't explain one day when he was sitting at lunch at work with my friends and I, and that was it. Fifth LO was watching me with his signature raised-brow gaze the first time I saw him and that was it. Crazy how little it can take...
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
L-F
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Re: Fired Therapist

Post by L-F »

Omg, if you keep writing the way you do, I'm going fall in love with you x_x

Love is how we view others and I do feel for you since your writing highlights many of my limerents thoughts, feelings, conundrum, etc etc.

Firstly, you are NOT damaged goods. In fact, i'd say you were higher up in the pecking order of potential mates - erm, sounds freakish so hopefully I can unpack that a bit more.

There's a newish dating thing (not that I'm in the know personally), but check out conscious dating, woke dating, self-aware dating, or the like. I posted an article for David but can't locate it, anyway, it's for singles who are in the process, or have completed (if that's such a thing) unpacking their past. To be honest, who isn't damaged in some way? Thus making you normal. You've hit the ultimate wake-up call with limerence. Think of it as a gift. Many people sleepwalk thru life never really fulfilled or understood, but never knowing why.

You are now unpacking your 'why'.

But. I do tend to think society overdramatises this 'unpacking' thing. So, if at any point you want to scream FUCK THIS THERAPY SHIT, then do it and don't feel guilty for it. Sometimes I look back and think "what the heck? I was normal all along".

Many blessing to you chick, glad to hear your update.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Zsababy
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Re: Fired Therapist

Post by Zsababy »

Thanks for the update & I second that you are not damaged goods. You didn't do anything crazy and whatever bad judgement you had was propelled by an incompetent and unethical counselor. I'd say your ability to navigate through this nightmare demonstrates very high intelligence and insight. I don't think you need to feel doomed. You had a limerance, as everyone in this groups does/did, but you only acted on it because of crappy guidance. That is in no way an indicator of how you'll conduct yourself in the next relationship. Also, some of us here have had limerances while in a relationship or married and stuck it out, so all hope is not lost.

You simply have a vulnerability, and all of us have some soft spot or Achilles heel if you poke around enough. And you've had some very bad luck with the significant people in your life. Like L-F said, who isn't damaged?

I used to think that because of my bipolar that I was broken beyond repair till I was hospitalized in the same ward as psychotic homeless people who were truly broken and that's when I said to myself "you're not as broken as you think. You can do this", meaning put my Humpty Dumpty life and self back together again. And here is the key difference in managing any kind of mental illness or emotional problem: insight. Those broken people around me had no idea of how sick they were; they were lost in the fog of mental illness. But I knew I was sick and I was learning more and more about what symptoms & behaviors I had to address. As my awareness grew, so my recovery accelerated. You have insight in spades and you can rebuild your life. And as you grow, you'll attract the right people and be able to spot the ones who won't meet your needs. It will be a process, not a cure, but I'm confident you'll get there. You're way too smart not to.
Zsababy
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Re: Fired Therapist

Post by Zsababy »

Just to tack on to learning & recovery, I found support groups often as valuable, if not more so, than therapy. For one, it helps to know you're not alone and there are often "old timers" (lol) that have a wealth of experience & wisdom to draw upon. Not to be ass-kissy, but I'd say L-F, Jupiter Taco & David have a lot of valuable contributions that can be very helpful.
One on one therapy helps too but there is a huge value in commiserating and getting support from people who get it. For one, it's helped me feel like less of a misfit freak arrested development case. That sounds harsh, but that's similar to the "damaged goods" self-image. Support groups help us develop compassion with ourselves; we learn to show ourselves the same compassion that we would show others.
Asha999
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Re: Fired Therapist

Post by Asha999 »

Thank you sincerely for the continued engagement and paying attention L-F and Zsa Zsa. I think as you said in your last post Zsa Zsa, support groups like this are uniquely helpful. I went back and re-read this monster thread and I can see I’m on a bit of a repeating loop (holy cow you guys are patient)… there are nuances of new bits but it’s buried in the same rehashing of my mom, fired therapist and hubs. I think this is the downside of therapy… if you are a ruminator (ahem) it’s csn be a loop of sorting through the same stuff over and over. This week I’m supposed to go through the points that make me emotional with my new therapist… being LO primarily. I think there’s some denial even with the therapist that I’m limerent or that’s it’s an issue… to me this is this catch 22 thing. The second I landed here and read up on limerence I started getting better. I realized what was happening so it wasn’t as scary (I was truly feeling out of control bipolar type swings I felt were beyond my ability to control). Key to getting better there is accepting and framing this as my issue so I don’t look at all the little signs from LO. I guess to get out of the cycle of having to remind myself of my issues I’ll have to get away from LO. This is all coming up at a time when I’m trying to work to get through some mental block issues in my sport… I’m not performing to my potential due to a mind body connection issue (go figure). Mentally I’m back solid, but I’m holding tension in my body and it won’t do things I know it can do when the stress of competition is there. I’ve been exploring the psychology of that and I think some of my issues of feeling unworthy related to my mother or just Shame in general is the problem. I need to fix this, looking at reiki, yoga, or any other possibility. Pushing down negative emotions is also a factor, but letting the valve off those feels risky.

My therapist said that for people who are avoidant experiencing even a normal range of emotions can feel like you’re wildly out of control. Hopefully that’s the case, when the limerence emerged I truly felt like my thoughts and emotions were not my own or under my control. Having that coach tell me I had ptsd and emotional unavailability issues and then drop off the radar while I went down the rabbit hole of reading all about all of it certainly contributed. I think there’s a point at which mining the issue isn’t productive anymore and makes you feel irreparable?

So L-F I truly appreciate the comment/joke about my writing. I’m actually a writer and this stuff is rambling incoherent garbage really. I write love letter essays to sports and some poetry and other essays. I haven’t written anything in several months because my thoughts are so everywhere. I’ll dig up something I wrote about LO and share. For me I pour just s lot of truth and heart and soul into writing and it’s hugely vulnerable. I post all of it publicly and on Facebook for my “friends” to see. It’s a weird tic because Im apparently avoidant? But I’ve got it all out there for everyone to see at any moment. I don’t know that I expect engagement. I’ve had so much judgement from people I guess it’s like a little fuck you kind of thing. And a way of casting a net for connection. And I have to get these things out and set them free, what happens from there is not up to me.
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