Fired Therapist

[L-F]

Having said that, I would never disqualify a woman's experience & understanding of her sexuality. There is no cookie-cutter standard or one size fits all, hence not being phased by what I hear. We are all unique in this regard yet all sisters.

[Zsababy]

Perhaps framing gender & sexual orientation issues as a problem to solve is the problem. You are free to go in whatever direction your intuition & desires take you. Don't think of there being a "right answer" to what orientation you are or are not but think of it as an adventure to go on that may have unexpected pleasures & rewards. This limerance may be a revelation about same sex desires or it might not. I'm basically straight but have had crushes on women before & watch women in porn (which is rare these days) yet I just don't see myself in a same sex relationship. But that's just me. Though I don't see myself in the lesbian community, there are things that I've gained just by small exposures to lesbian culture.

There are an infinite number of configurations for relationships and identity & sexual expression, but I'm sure I'm just telling you what you already know. And sexuality & identity can be more fluid than we're led to think. You're not behelden to any rules except consent.

I think you may be feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of navigating it later in life because your life is just very overwhelming right now. A messy divorce & potential lawsuit is a lot of crap to rain down at once, but you'll get through it. You probably just don't have the emotional reserves to consider new approaches to life, relationships & sex & that's just temporary. You will when the time is right. Plus, there are plenty of gay people who married and had kids & came out late in life, so who knows?

Or it could be that this limerance was more symbolic of other unmet needs, like from your mom. But you can cross these bridges when you have the energy. Try not to think of it as one more problem to solve. Freedom can be scary at first but it can also be a hell of a lot of fun.

You're very intelligent; you'll sort it out.

[Zsababy]

That said, I hope that stupid life coach didn't give you too much of a negative start to same sex relationships so much that it heavily colors your sense of a future with a woman/women. Hopefully, with this new therapist (or other means) you can do some kind of detox so you can get a fresh start in finding your way.

[Asha999]

So here’s the rather specific issue re limerence I’m struggling with. The fired life coach was always encouraging me to imagine what my ideal life would look like… visualize what I wanted. I had general feelings etc but the only thing I could articulate other than “being happy” was that national championship trophy. I visualized it and the process and spent 18 months working on it… and I got it. Along the line LO comes on. I’m avoidant and independent… I have and would typically never engage in a fantasy about what a partner would look like. But along she came and with the urging of the coach I spent a LOT of time visualing what that relationship would look like. Could I insert another more appropriate person.. sure, but LO is the star of the show. So with this fired coach I’m “manifesting”… and even with LO regarding the sport this concept of belief and visualization is key to my success in the sports goals. I did successfully just “manifest” a very big goal. So now what with LO? I had done very well cutting off my fantasy visualizations of what life would be like with her and just focus on my other sport prize. But that boxed has been checked and the limerence is back. Oddly Ive not been around LO the past couple weeks and it’s worse… like it truly is in my head because we don’t have weirdness in the same physical space, it’s a very comfortable relationship in person, it’s when I’m off in the middle of the night the train of thoughts runs away. So now my mind still tumbles endlessly around what is real and what isn’t…going NC would mean quitting my team and leaving all my friends… all of whom are presently showering me with adulation for the big win. Sorry that feels good. And it’s going to be a problem I don’t have this major focal point with the competition any more. Without a real f/f relationship the only one I have is that one with LO to imagine and visualize, I guess I had that idea generally for a long time before but when you have an actual person in it it’s totally different. Is that healthy or unhealthy? Because to extract myself from my present reality which needed to happen even without LO, I need to see a way forward given all the sacrifice and conflict it will require. Haven’t found a therapist to help me with what I should focus on to move forward. In a lot of ways focusing on new sport goals just digs me deeper in limerence. I probably need to test the waters of a f/f relationship to get over LO since she’s got a weird role in breaking that open. But yeah I’m married and no way in hell am I getting a hall pass on that. Just stewing through the order of operations between marriage therapy, divorce, limerence recovery and getting myself back together after the debacle with the life coach. Hard to execute on all at once, that damn trophy was way easier.

[Asha999]

I guess one final thought… I’m a person who is very open about past trauma… much of it was very public information anyway. So everybody is close but nobody is close… I don’t have a lot of emotional intimacy with anyone. Except LO of course… because engaging in tasks that require full mind and body focus makes you uniquely vulnerable. LO is the most intimate relationship I have because of her role in this process of belief, improvement, resilience, achievement and it’s also explicitly discussed. This is deeply personal stuff. I have other coaches but it’s different (they are also guys). But… to me it’s exceptional and to LO it’s her job and had that relationship with tons of people… I try to frame it as her being dangerous to me in my recovery. I’m trying to have more of these conversations with friends to reduce LOs role in my emotional and mental universe. Life coach was the other outlet and look how that went. Other tips welcome. My SO doesn’t care to operate on these wavelengths for more than 2 mins at a time.

[Zsababy]

I apologize for not getting the full story, but I'm slightly confused...you're in marriage therapy but the divorce is definite?
Also, I forget what makes the LO off limits. Is she married/straight/uninterested? Is there no hope there at all?
Yeah, going NC seems pretty impossible, given. Is it premature for you to start dating other women? Whatever app there is for lesbian dating, maybe you could at least get on it to at least look into other potential partners (even casually). Maybe even if you don't have the time or energy to date right now, it might just help to go window shopping at look at profiles as a mental exercise to see if you could imagine being with any of these other women?

I could see the whole "manifesting" notion making magical thinking go into overdrive since it worked once.

[L-F]

Ooooooh I have so much to share on this topic. Been there and got the damn t-shirt.

I keep nodding here and there because of our similar viewpoint when it comes to our experiences with LO being a same-sexed LO for a hetero woman (my LO was bi btw, even though I was extremely naive that there was an enormous grey area in terms of sexuality, I thought there was straight and gay. Period). There came a time I thought I was gay due to being limerent. Turns out I'm neither gay, hetero, nor bi. Gender isn't my cuppa or concern. It all boils down to energy, emotional intimacy, intellectual stimulation, spiritual outlook, and life goals. LO is the epitome of all I seek in a partner and no other woman (or man) has come close, and yet, I had to spend years unraveling my role in the fantasy. Am I still limerent? No. Does she still represent an ideal partner? Yes. Do I stress about whether she is in my life? Absolutely not. She has given me food for thought and ways forward to recreating new and stronger relationships.

Like Zsababy said:

You're very intelligent; you'll sort it out.

[Asha999]

L-F… oh I can get a t-shirt to remember this shitshow? I’m all about the mementos and trophy’s … so interesting out stories are similar…so what was the fix given LO is still the ideal? Was she your first female romantic interest? I think for me that’s part of the problem… LO has even greater significance given that. Curious what you mean by “unraveling your role in the fantasy”… is that your responsibility or figuring out what to actively take from the fantasy into reality?

So .Zsa Zsa it might be magical thinking talking but I don’t think things are clear between me and LO, much as I’ve awkwardly tried to get clarity. She’s straight ad far as one knows… but as evidenced by this thread female sexuality is rather fluid. The biggest issue is she is part of a multigenerational legacy at our training facility, her life and career revolve around her role as coach, friend and star to everyone there. It would be a catastrophe for her, like much as I want her I wouldn’t want that for her even. But we have a special connection stronger that most others there IMO… she calls other people by my name by mistake, she told liken 15 people who told me how proud she was about my win.. tells me she misses me when I’m away… like it’s normal but kinda not… sometimes to me it feels like others must notice the off the charts sexual tension, particularly if we ever “sparring” in training. I feel like I need a limerence disclaimer on my forehead… don’t say her name or LO say something playful or meaningful unless you really freaking mean it because you are pouring gasoline on a fire. I have opened the door and laid a lot of cards on the table… that I’m unhappy in my marriage and looking to end it, that I’m thinking about future relationships… even as far to tell her I will be looking to date women before men in the future. She’s still holding on tight to all her cards (she did prior to me telling her I am interested in women mention as if telling me a secret she went to a pride event… it felt like a bomb went off in the atmospheres energy I kid you not, but since then she references men when she talks about dating…I’m super careful to say “someone” to leave the door open and signal such). I don’t however need the outright rejection that might come with disclosure, I think the same sex thing is part of that. That would be a lot to take between limerence and first Same sex love interest. And I’ve not started divorce/separation proceedings… was waiting til after national championships and for some other reasons because I’m going to get cleaned out and need to be mindful of timing. Therapy would be (in my mind) be focused on having a healthy exit for our kids. That should start any time now.

So I read here it’s stupid to make major life decisions on limerence. But I’ll prob be doing that still holding a candle that there is something there between us. But I have to be sure what I’m doing is right regardless, I won’t be getting anything from her, I’ve pushed it as far as I can. And this was the issue with the life coach, I’ve told LO I love her in a sense. But not directly. But she knows. And I don’t know if it’s love of a romantic kind of some mess of unmet needs I basically pay her to meet and she’s very good at it.

[Asha999]

Oh yeah and when I get divorced I’ll likely be forced to go back to a big time job and have to give up training in my sport. And I’ll lose access to my facility, team friends and LO. Those are the layers of the onion that actually make one cry. You could not make up how miserable this situation is.

[L-F]

You know, your posts are so relatable and it's easy to see your story triggers both Zsababy and me for different reasons.

Hence our continual input

On a serious note, I could quote so many sentences that echo my past thoughts & situation. So as not to drag you down the rabbit hole, I'll share a bit of my story here. I'll try and keep it brief.

The first day I met LO I felt physically sick for no reason. I went into full-on panic mode (the first-ever anxiety attack). Never a thought crossed my mind that women were attractive in a sexual way. Anyway, I tried to flee the building to escape being interviewed by her. Dang no exit door! Was going to hide out in the toilets until the next interviewer come along. during the interview she asked a question that made me squirm, she's a psychotherapist, not that she was playing me, but...
A year later it dawned on me that I was attracted to her. Too many things were said in class (LO was my tutor) that just rubbed me the wrong way. Suggestive things. Did odd things like take food out of my hand, halving it, and eating her half seductively (we've all seen food porn I'm sure). Long story short, she played a part.
Transference. Tick.
Mummy issues. Tick.
Issues with authority. Tick.
She may have taken my hand and led me down the rabbit hole, but I was wholeheartedly ready to jump in gumboots and all.

This led me to question my sexuality. How could I dream of being with her if I wasn't gay? The intrusive thoughts and feelings were deafening to the degree I wanted to quit studying to get the hell away from her. I tried my best to act normal and avoid her as much as possible. She was the one who kept questioning me why I wouldn't allow myself to feel. Yeah, there were times I caught her staring at my flapjacks.

all I had was my mind to work on, and with. my mind was the problem, not her.

It's so easy to get caught up in our thoughts. Over the years I worked thru my parental issues, etc. LO is just somebody I used to know and yes, she has many qualities I admire in a person.

L-F… oh I can get a t-shirt to remember this shitshow? I’m all about the mementos and trophy’s …

I can make you one if you want! Do you like rainbows by any chance?

Yes she was my first female romantic interest.
The first is often hard to beat for many people from what I've heard.