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Fired Therapist

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
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Asha999
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Fired Therapist

Post by Asha999 »

Its been a day. About a year ago I started falling for my LO...I am a competitive adult athlete and she is my coach. I am female, married with kids and never identified as bi. The LO crystallization happened when I confessed these feelings to my life coach/therapist. A couple things transpired....this life coach encouraged me this was the real deal, to confess my feeling and be brave and lean into love...something she knew was missing from my marriage and life experiences...basically I have chosen a safe path in life due to a lot of trauma as a child and young adult involving my family being effectively cancelled, a sibling with serious mental and physical health issues and my dealing with that through overachievement and have a very guarded by extroverted personality. Welp this devolved into a major case of limerence when my LO went back and forth for several weeks when I asked to have a private social conversation...who knows why but it is what it is and it hit every trigger for limerence. Cue 3 months of rumination, anxiety, depression and trying to control some OCD behaviors around interaction with my LO who I need to see almost every day, never mind act normal around and try to perform in my sport at a high level. With the encouragement of my therapist coach I started talking with LO and teammates about divorce and its consequences, of course all of this with the LO in mind. It all came to something of a head this week when I again met LO for a life update about my marriage, career and family. I had the objective of getting clarity on whether there is any mutual interest there...but it is all super indirect as this is her livlihood and it is beyond scandalous. No clarity to be found really, but I think that is enough for me to move on...I have no desire to continue/enter a LR where there is not mutual feelings...I had a previous catastrophic limerence situation in my twenties. So my therapist life coach dresses me down for letting fear guide my life choices, that I will never know love until i risk something, that i can never be certain about people and am a manipulator who only has relationships when I am controlling of other people. I replied back that I have limerence and trying to follow steps of recovery. It is shameful and painful to admit it as a very high functioning person. And I have indeed sought out relationships where I know I am on solid ground or have the upper hand, probably due to my past trauma and experience with limerence. I fired the therapist this am after a 3 year working relationship.

So.... i guess just putting it out there into a forum where people understand the challenge of recognizing you are limerent, accepting that reality and doing your best to modify the behaviors. For my part I have these issues because of a genuine lack of unconditional love as a child or adult. to be told that I am unwilling to take risks to find it or manipulative at this juncture...like it seems cruel and unusual. I would want nothing more than to believe I can "manifest" this relationship into reality through positive thought and sharing my undying devotion...but yeah that is not going to happen. Meanwhile, husband, 2 kids, job, sport and all that over here. I understand why limerence happens, but still stuck on why the heck this struck when I was at the very best point of my life in terms of happiness and balance.
L-F
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Re: Fired Therapist

Post by L-F »

Wow. Just wow. I would like to meet this life coach.

I'm gobsmacked by their approach. Sorry to read that you are limerent, and welcome to the forum.

Can I ask if this lifecoach is gay? I ask that because gay professionals, imo, have a perceived underlying urge to get people to 'come out'. I had one friend (psychotherapist) who was rooting for me from the sidelines to 'follow my lesbian dreams'... What the actual? I remember way back when, I asked on here if people thought I was gay. Heck I even asked my husband. And I had a gay therapist for a short period (didn't see her because of limerence), assumed I'd eventually 'find my way into a woman's lap' or something like that. Just ridiculous if you ask me.

I've since met and spoken with many women who have/had fallen limerent for another woman. Sexuality, imo, has nothing to do with limerence.

Good on you for sacking them.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
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Re: Fired Therapist

Post by L-F »

Asha999 wrote: Sat Mar 11, 2023 5:13 am I understand why limerence happens, but still stuck on why the heck this struck when I was at the very best point of my life in terms of happiness and balance.
I was at my best too (and happily married - yes,
happy as a clam, great sex, the works). Strange how things happen. Not knowing used to bother me, but not any longer.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Asha999
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Re: Fired Therapist

Post by Asha999 »

L-F wrote: Sat Mar 11, 2023 7:39 am

Can I ask if this lifecoach is gay? I ask that because gay professionals, imo, have a perceived underlying urge to get people to 'come out'.
Life coach is indeed gay. And her wife was a client who fell in love with her and confessed her love so the parallel situation did not go unnoticed… clearly this was meant to be.

I have omitted quite a lot of info here for the sake of brevity but this life coach was good in a lot of ways but unbelievably terrible to the point of almost abusive when this situation came up. I did not want to tell my sport coach what the deal was, I was feeling it out. But I got a major push from life coach to do it. Since then I’ve made a royal freaking mess od my life… spending 5 months in a fog as I reckon with losing everything by initiating a divorce. Lifecoach has zero empathy there… need to life my true life to be happy and am choosing to make myself miserable by living a life of no integrity (I presume she’s talking about my sexuality?). I put the brakes on just today with lifecoach and I actually think the limerence might be getting a little better after confessing it to a couple other friends and getting what ultimately felt like a rejection from LO… we had a long buildup to personal convo. Nothing transpired in that convo. I told sport coach after via text I questioned my sexuality moving forward and got no response (which is common with her for me and others). I’ve also had somebody else’s very loud and very aggressive voice in my head telling me how I’m traumatized and utterly lacking in bravery and honesty and would just like things to stop moving on all fronts. Sheesh it’s kind of a lot to admit feelings of attraction in a totally inappropriate circumstance, catch that it evolved to limerence and understand its root is some sort of maternal bonding issue I didn’t know was as bad as it seems to be. I’d say I’m doing ok given the kind of bombshell I’ve been dealing with every day while still mostly functioning.
Zsababy
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Re: Fired Therapist

Post by Zsababy »

Funny you should talk about life coaches as I was just going to hire one but the more I thought about it, the sketchier the concept seemed. Your case is a great example. I have an ex-friend who was a life coach despite never really wanting to hold a real job (she asked me how to get on government assistance!) & Is in a sexless marriage. She's now an Executive coach despite my never having seen her be an executive. Point being, anyone with the cash & the self-confidence can take classes & go around telling people how to run their lives. A good therapist NEVER would give you terrible advice like that-as a rule they don't really (or shouldn't) give explicit advice, they try to guide you into you having insights into your problems.

To tell you you are living in fear when you have kids (!!!!) Is so wildly irresponsible. If I was you, I'd give them parting words like "you suck at your job & you almost ruined my life. See ya!"

A bad therapist can do a lot of damage. So glad you got rid of this incompetent fool.

I hope the road ahead goes more smoothly.
L-F
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Re: Fired Therapist

Post by L-F »

Asha999 wrote: Sat Mar 11, 2023 8:38 am I did not want to tell my sport coach what the deal was, I was feeling it out. But I got a major push from life coach to do it.
Gay T or not... One word... 'unethical'
Asha999 wrote: Sat Mar 11, 2023 8:38 am Since then I’ve made a royal freaking mess of my life… spending 5 months in a fog as I reckon with losing everything by initiating a divorce. Lifecoach has zero empathy there
Imo, it's as if they channel (project) their feministic anger onto certain clients who remind them of their hidden (repressed) selves. Completely subconscious behavior coming to the surface
Asha999 wrote: Sat Mar 11, 2023 8:38 am and am choosing to make myself miserable by living a life of no integrity (I presume she’s talking about my sexuality?).
This is all her baby, all her. Got nothing to do with you or your sexuality.

Stick with maternal bonding, theres gold in that. Hey, it doesn't matter if you are hetro, bi, gay, or whayever. It really doesn't matter. Check out Lisa Dimond's work, her research focuses on sexual orientation development, sexual identity, and bonding. She is best known for her 2008 book, Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women's Love and Desire.

I remember taking this book to LO (a bi psychotherapist and my tutor), for her advice. My advice to you is to remove LO from your perceived 'friend circle' and if at all possible, make it a boundaried (extremely boundaried) relationship. No explanation or guilt is needed.

This is because LOs' (in general) are not completely innocent. Her subconscious wounds trigger yours and vice verse, IMO. But her wounds are her business. Which means, in order to start healing, you need to be aware that it's a mutual dance that she may not be aware of or if she is, may not he willing to accept or validate.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
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Re: Fired Therapist

Post by L-F »

Zsababy wrote: Sat Mar 11, 2023 9:20 am Funny you should talk about life coaches as I was just going to hire one but the more I thought about it, the sketchier the concept seemed. Your case is a great example. I have an ex-friend who was a life coach despite never really wanting to hold a real job (she asked me how to get on government assistance!) & Is in a sexless marriage. She's now an Executive coach despite my never having seen her be an executive. Point being, anyone with the cash & the self-confidence can take classes & go around telling people how to run their lives. A good therapist NEVER would give you terrible advice like that-as a rule they don't really (or shouldn't) give explicit advice, they try to guide you into you having insights into your problems.

To tell you you are living in fear when you have kids (!!!!) Is so wildly irresponsible. If I was you, I'd give them parting words like "you suck at your job & you almost ruined my life. See ya!"

A bad therapist can do a lot of damage. So glad you got rid of this incompetent fool.

I hope the road ahead goes more smoothly.
As for coaches, I've considered being a life coach, more specifically, a limerence life coach. You are right, no coach should be telling someone how to live their life. what they should be doing, imo, is empowering clients to focus on goals and supporting them to work towards achieving them. In other words be their cheerleader, not their problem solver.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Asha999
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Re: Fired Therapist

Post by Asha999 »

L-F wrote: Sat Mar 11, 2023 9:45 am
Asha999 wrote: Sat Mar 11, 2023 8:38 am Imo, it's as if they channel (project) their feministic anger onto certain clients who remind them of their hidden (repressed) selves. Completely subconscious behavior coming to the surface

This sounds totally correct to me. She wants a certain outcome for me based in her own experience… it was her damn wife the upended her whole life for the coach though. Despite her incessantly lecturing me about finding a way with love, she has a LOT of pretty visible anger when dealing with me
Asha999 wrote: Sat Mar 11, 2023 8:38 am and am choosing to make myself miserable by living a life of no integrity (I presume she’s talking about my sexuality?).
This is because LOs' (in general) are not completely innocent. Her subconscious wounds trigger yours and vice verse, IMO. But her wounds are her business. Which means, in order to start healing, you need to be aware that it's a mutual dance that she may not be aware of or if she is, may not he willing to accept or validate.
LO and I have a dance for sure. It’s been going for a year. And she for sure started it by giving me a LOT of attention because I was a good performer with a good attitude. I almost wonder if she wasn’t limerent for me for a bit the attention was so disproportionate. Well I eventually woke up to it and we had this like little flirtation… but it’s crazy risky because of relationship and it’s in plain sight. LO has a lot trauma she dealt with in same way… making a “safe” but unfulfilling partner choice and she’s just coming out of s divorce that was super rough.

Trying to see LO as a catalyst if not something in and of herself. My marriage is not good, I’ve known that since day 1. I don’t know WTH with sexuality because that’s just a theoretical sort of thing and this point. I knew I had some issues related to my upbringing and being a superstar at everything but somehow that not being enough or that actively making my mother angry with me… I’m betting my mom was actually postpartum or something but I’ll never know because she’s got major mental health issues now. Despite doing a lot of pretty stupid stuff right up until 3 days ago … telling s lot of people including LO I’m getting out of my marriage, behaviors related to LO and really struggling with the anxiety and depression kicked off by LO so that I’m not present at work or with kids much of the time…well maybe I can quickly act like a normal person again? I was so thankful to be up in the middle of the night thinking about my sport and not LO for first time in months.

This would have taken a different path in the hands of someone as a therapist/coach who didn’t push for action so strongly. At the time she was the only one I shared the story with. The more I frame it and tell others, the more I’m able to pull away from the limerence. NC isn’t really an immediate option but I can stop my end of the dance.
Asha999
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Re: Fired Therapist

Post by Asha999 »

Zsababy wrote: Sat Mar 11, 2023 9:20 am Funny you should talk about life coaches as I was just going to hire one but the more I thought about it, the sketchier the concept seemed. Your case is a great example.
Ugh coaches. This is actually the second debacle I’ve had with a coach… I was an executive for awhile and our company brought in coaching for us during an important transition period. Just so happened that I had MAJOR stuff going on at the time and discussed this with the coach. Well this guy then ends up being my interim boss and shares a bunch of stuff with people. Nice.

Both of these coaches helped me make a lot of strides in difficult times but in both cases there were serious ethical lines crosses. Not sure therapists are always innocent there but at least with more regimented program and a license they would stick to ethical boundaries better?
JupiterTaco
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Re: Fired Therapist

Post by JupiterTaco »

I'm sorry that happened to you sometimes that's necessary. I have a mind that if I ever go back to therapy or coaching that I'd probably interview them like I interview for a job and maybe question them about those different things I either need help or guidance in to see if we're a better fit that way that's what I was thinking I might do.

It's really sad that a lot of people don't realize that happiness comes from within if you sit there trying to pin your happiness on somebody else or external circumstances it's just shooting yourself in the foot. And no I don't think that the right partner is going to come along and ransack your life and cause you a bunch of confusion. A wound mate does that.

Also on the subject of coaching I would imagine that any kind of coaching would be a fine line between you know offering guidance and Leadership and mostly being a silent support as people kind of figure out their own way with the silent support system.

That was one reason why being a job coach didn't work out for me. I often felt conflicted by people who thought my job was to strong arm my clients into doing things that they either didn't want to do or they didn't see it necessary to do. Ultimately that wasn't for me because I believe that there are people who have to learn for themselves about life. And if you don't tow the line right you end up being another "parent" to rebel against which doesn't help anybody.

On the subject of coaching I saw something funny online today. I follow this page called billionaire and today they had a motivational message talking about how every time you slack off was the gist of the message and miss a workout or don't do other things and one of things was "sit on the coach" which I'msure was a typo, but smart-ass me wrote "sit on the coach? That's an option???" Thought it was funny.
"Men are fooled so easily. Women wrelike spiders. They'll pull you into their webs and...wrap you up so tight you can hardly breathe," Griselda Blanco, Cocaine Godmother
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