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Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

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StillLimerent
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Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

Post by StillLimerent »

Evening dear limerents :-)

I've been having an idea of disclosing to my LO, because basically nothing else works. Not even NC. And I'm really tired of my brain's mind games. I do not see my LO for months, not in contact, nada, and yet my limerence is alive. I don't want to disclose that I still have feelings, but want to refer that it was all in the past. Partially because I don't want LO to feel that any response is necessary or that the door for communication is open. I'm not wanting to reconnect with LO in any way. Even though my limerent brain does want reciprocation, my logical brain fully understand that my LO is a very wrong person for me. I don't want anything to do with my LO, no romance, no friendship. But these hidden feelings are eating me from within, and the more I suppress them, the more they remain unspoken, the more they intensify. It's all a fantasy that my brain is creating, and I feel that maybe if I just disclose, then the feeling of embarrassment and self shame may help me to get back to reality. It's like I just want to get it off my chest, to feel bad and humiliated within self, and feel how real this sh't is. LO that my brain is limerent for is definitely not the same person in reality, I understand it all is a product of my brain's imagination. I'm not in any relationships right now, so no broken hearts would be on the way. However, it's hard to predict if LO will share my disclosure to others, which may happen, so I need to make sure I would be ok with being very vulnerable for a while.

Unfortunately, disclosing in person is not possible, my LO will not meet with me. So it would need to be email or text or such. I would rather prefer to do it in person, but it's not my choice. And sending my disclosure I'm planning to block LO from my contacts, so even if they respond, I will not know that.

Looking for opinions, suggestions, anything :-) And thank you for all your nice posts, I am reading this forum and it helps me to keep moving in the right direction. I do have a therapist that I'm working with for a while, he is awesome, and that's how I'm still living my life pretty well.
L-F
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Re: Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

Post by L-F »

StillLimerent wrote: Sat Mar 18, 2023 5:22 am And I'm really tired of my brain's mind games.
Disclosing won't stop the mind games, sadly.
StillLimerent wrote: Sat Mar 18, 2023 5:22 am and I feel that maybe if I just disclose, then the feeling of embarrassment and self shame may help me to get back to reality. It's like I just want to get it off my chest, to feel bad and humiliated within self, and feel how real this sh't is.
Do you feel humiliation would help solve the situation or potentially make it worse? it is possible to be limerent AND humiliated.

I hear you, it is tiring being distracted all the time. It can be downright exhausting! Good to read you have a therapist who is supporting you while you navigate this awful thing called limerence.

Can I ask if you have spoken about this plan to disclose with your therapist? On here David has a thread where he says it's not a good idea to disclose and discusses the reasons why.

I disclosed and at the time regretted it. Now it doesn't bother me because it's water under the bridge.
Sending good thoughts your way!
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
David
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Re: Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

Post by David »

Our limerent minds plays tricks on us to do anything to get anything to have another fix. Wanting to disclose is one such devious trick. As LF says it rarely works

If you search the forum you will find many previous posts about disclosure

Good luck with whatever you choose to do
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
JupiterTaco
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Re: Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

Post by JupiterTaco »

Disclosure puts the limerence on the other person. Regardless if whether or not the LOs behavior contributed to the limerence, limerence is about something that needs attention in the sufferer.
"Men are fooled so easily. Women wrelike spiders. They'll pull you into their webs and...wrap you up so tight you can hardly breathe," Griselda Blanco, Cocaine Godmother
StillLimerent
Posts: 16
Joined: Mon Jun 27, 2022 7:52 am
United States of America

Re: Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

Post by StillLimerent »

Thank you L-F for your response!

[/quote]
Can I ask if you have spoken about this plan to disclose with your therapist? On here David has a thread where he says it's not a good idea to disclose and discusses the reasons why.
[/quote]

Yes, I discussed it with my therapist, and I'm working on my disclosure letter together with him. I mean, I write a bit in between the sessions, and then I read it to him. Helps a lot to even just read it to another person, I then see that I may need to re-write the part a bit differently. Reading it to him feels awkward, like I'm being very exposed, but also very helpful to sort out my thoughts. It's a hard work to write the disclosure letter as I figured! =)) Feels like a full time job to me lol

Yes, I actually read articles on when not to disclose and when not to disclose, some here https://spam/when-to-disclose/. Mine falls into part 3:

"You think they will not reciprocate, but you want the limerence to end

A counsel of despair this one, and rather like pulling a plaster off quickly. If you are trapped in limerent limbo with a non-reciprocating LO and want out, disclosure should mean that you cut off your source of supply. Remove the plaster covering over your festering fake friendship, and expose everything to the light of day. Then you have the perfect reason for no contact, and they will probably be fine with that, now they know how you feel."

It fits me perfectly. Or so I think.


My LO is an avoidant, so I'm pretty safe knowing that they will not reach out. Avoidants don't reach out, they expect others to make the first step, they are too afraid of rejection. And after I send my letter, I will not reach out. So it will be done. My LO is very shy, has a poor self image (despite being professionally successful), runs away from any sort of emotions and just shuts down if anyone tries to get closer. Not very good looking either and has tons of insecurities over that. I can't deal with a person who is not able to process their own feelings and is afraid of any sort of emotional closeness. Also steers away of social interactions, or misinterprets other people's intentions. If you read about avoidants, you may see what I mean. That's why this person is very wrong for me. I would never be happy around them. Even friendship is not a good idea. It would be toxic for me.

I'm affectionate, social, have many friends, love social gatherings, and I'm living a pretty much fulfilling life. And I'm very good looking :-) My LO feels intimidated by me, and most likely feels inferior (but it's their own perception). I don't even know why my brain got stuck on this person. Somehow I think my current LO reminds me of my grandparent who was always disapproving of me on whatever I was doing when I was growing up. And it's like I need my LO's approval in order to feel happy. But I know it's not true..

I's a serial limerent. I had no idea about it until about 10 months ago when I found this site. I thought I was in love. But it's not love. It's limerence. I'm so happy I found this forum, it's so very helpful.

So I just want to write a letter and get rid of these unspoken things that stick in my brain. I've disclosed before to my previous LO's, and I don't recall regretting it. The funny thing is that two LO's after some time reached out to me and wanted to date, but I already moved on by that time. I guess it may be flattering for some LOs to know they are LO's :-)

I don't really know. I am just working on the letter. Not sending anything. I haven't seeing my LO for about a year, nor interacted with them in any way. I know my fellow limerents can understand this phenomena of not even seeing a person and STILL having the person in mind. A fantasy of a person to be exact :-)
StillLimerent
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Re: Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

Post by StillLimerent »

David wrote: Sat Mar 18, 2023 9:03 am Our limerent minds plays tricks on us to do anything to get anything to have another fix. Wanting to disclose is one such devious trick. As LF says it rarely works

If you search the forum you will find many previous posts about disclosure

Good luck with whatever you choose to do
Thank you David, I appreciate your response!

I remember that I wanted to disclose to my current LO a couple years ago. I didn't do that. Then a year ago this wish came back again. I didn't disclose at that time either. But both times, as I remember, I wanted to write something romantic, something deep, something that would bring my LO closer to me. But now I feel kind of differently. Now it's more that I need this disclosure letter to get my unspoken feelings out, regardless of what my LO may think of me. I am more concentrating of what would help my brain to release these feelings. I am not writing anything romantic. Just stating the fact I had attraction to my LO.

My current LO is an avoidant and is afraid to talk in person. I'm not afraid of talking with my LO face to face. And I would rather prefer an in person conversation over writing a letter. I feel that I have so many unspoken things that I need to let the steam out. I'm an extrovert and I noticed that I process things externally and keeping things inside makes me feel like a boiling pot :-)

So now, I'm trying to focus on what I need to write in order to make *me* feel accomplished. And I realized that it's actually much harder than if I just wanted to write something sweet to my LO.

My current LO is a very wrong person for me. I don't need this person in my life. Sometimes I wish I became limerent for a nice person, at least it would be for a good reason! Just joking. I have many good friends and a very good socially fulfilling life, and I don't need my LO who's not able to create a deeper emotional connection with others.
Last edited by StillLimerent on Sun Mar 19, 2023 5:55 am, edited 1 time in total.
StillLimerent
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Re: Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

Post by StillLimerent »

JupiterTaco wrote: Sat Mar 18, 2023 12:09 pm Disclosure puts the limerence on the other person. Regardless if whether or not the LOs behavior contributed to the limerence, limerence is about something that needs attention in the sufferer.
Thank you you Jupiter Taco!
Yes, very true, limerence is all about us, the limerents. I keep working with my therapist on what the deeper issues is, why I am a serial limerent. It's hard though, my LO's were all very different people, and so far, I wasn't able to pinpoint why I got limerent for them.
I wasn't familiar with limerence until some months ago, until I found this site and read about it. Before I thought I was just madly in love and I wasn't able to understand why I am in love with person, but I don't even like that person. I wish there was more awareness about limerence. It's such a torture and mind game, and is very exhausting..
Zsababy
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Re: Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

Post by Zsababy »

There is a thread here that is a place to write what you would write to them to disclose. It's a safe outlet.

You can also write in a journal.

Save yourself the embarrassment & feelings of rejection that you'll get when you get ghosted or a reflection in writing
StillLimerent
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Re: Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

Post by StillLimerent »

Zsababy wrote: Sun Mar 19, 2023 8:16 pm There is a thread here that is a place to write what you would write to them to disclose. It's a safe outlet.

You can also write in a journal.

Save yourself the embarrassment & feelings of rejection that you'll get when you get ghosted or a reflection in writing
Thank you!

I'm feeling a bit better these days, maybe trying to put everything into writing is helping me to go over everything that happened. Intrusive thoughts are milder this week.

The good thing is that I can't get ghosted because I'm not in any contact with my LO. I don't care what LO will think of my letter, I'm worried about what I will think of my letter and if I said all that I wanted to say. I tend to do self-blame more often than not. I remember disclosing before, it was a bit awkward for a while, but then I moved on. I don't know if it will help this time.
I'm really torn apart because I don't like my LO as a person, but my brain keeps thinking about LO. I'm tired...
L-F
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Re: Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

Post by L-F »

StillLimerent wrote: Tue Mar 21, 2023 4:40 am I don't care what LO will think of my letter,
Is this true?
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
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