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Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
David
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Re: Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

Post by David »

I think it’s great you’re working on the disclosure letter with your therapist. If you feel awkward reading the letter there’s likely some shame underlying that and that would be useful to excavate. Why are you feel shame?

You say that you have had serial Limerence and there are no unifying features.
Attraction is a curious beast, and sometimes it’s hard to work out why were attracted to certain people. For me usually goes back to not receiving enough unconditional love growing up. Who knows it might even go back further than that to our ancestors and their own relational templates for love.

Whats often said here is that Limerence is nothing to do with our LO’s, it’s all about us and I still agree with that. Our LO’s are just catalysts for us to look at ourselves.
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
StillLimerent
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Re: Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

Post by StillLimerent »

L-F wrote: Tue Mar 21, 2023 5:32 am
StillLimerent wrote: Tue Mar 21, 2023 4:40 am I don't care what LO will think of my letter,
Is this true?
B-)

Very good point!
Well, yes and no :-) The limerent portion of my brain, of course!, cares, arghh! But the logical part understands that my limerent brain has a fantasy of my LO that doens't have much with reality. And limerent brain cares about the LO opinion, but that LO technically doesn't exist. It's all a fantasy. The logical part doesn't care what LO may think, because in reality LO is not the same as in my fantasies, and LO is not in my life, so whatever they may think will not affect my life much. But what I, myself, will think, that's what worries me the most, because there is some shame and guild inside me that doesn't really depend on LO. And it's hard.. I don't even know why I need that LO! I don't even like my LO, ahh! X(
StillLimerent
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Re: Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

Post by StillLimerent »

David wrote: Tue Mar 21, 2023 5:45 am I think it’s great you’re working on the disclosure letter with your therapist. If you feel awkward reading the letter there’s likely some shame underlying that and that would be useful to excavate. Why are you feel shame?

You say that you have had serial Limerence and there are no unifying features.
Attraction is a curious beast, and sometimes it’s hard to work out why were attracted to certain people. For me usually goes back to not receiving enough unconditional love growing up. Who knows it might even go back further than that to our ancestors and their own relational templates for love.

Whats often said here is that Limerence is nothing to do with our LO’s, it’s all about us and I still agree with that. Our LO’s are just catalysts for us to look at ourselves.
David, you are so spot on!

We are trying with my therapist really hard to unpack why I feel shame and guilt.. I feel shame even when I read portions of my letter to the therapist, it's like I become overly exposed, but it feels like way more extreme that it needs to be. It's too much. Something is deep within me that does that..., brings a lot of shame and guilt. Pretty extreme feeling. You are so so very right. It's all within me..

Looks like my previous LOs were all different, but they all had one thing in common - they were all unavailable, either emotionally or physically. With couple LOs I was dating, but my limerence faded away right after my LOs became available to me.

Also, all LOs at first were showing a great deal of attention to me, and it was a hook for me. But again, I had many people doing this, but I only was becoming limerent for those who were unavailable. And the least available they were, the more attracted I was to them (well, most of them I didn't even know well, so my brain was creating some fantasies of what kind of people they were, which was or wasn't exactly correct).

And another thing I noticed is that even though I wanted to get close with my LOs, I wasn't able to imagine to actually being with my LOs. I read somewhere on the forum when someone could see themselves getting married to LO, but not being married to them. Same thing for me. It's like fantasy stops when some reality, like every day life with LO, kicks in.

My preivous LOs lasted from a month up to 2 years. But this time its the longest I've ever had, almost 4 years. I'm very very tired...
L-F
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Re: Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

Post by L-F »

Okay, fair enough, but here's another question/scenario to ponder.

Pick your favorite friend (could be family), then picture them being sent a letter by someone who doesn't care what your friend thinks. Picture your friends reaction to the letter. What would that look like?

Do you think it fair that your friend reads something that is written about them but has nothing to do with them?
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
StillLimerent
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Re: Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

Post by StillLimerent »

L-F wrote: Wed Mar 22, 2023 12:07 am Okay, fair enough, but here's another question/scenario to ponder.

Pick your favorite friend (could be family), then picture them being sent a letter by someone who doesn't care what your friend thinks. Picture your friends reaction to the letter. What would that look like?

Do you think it fair that your friend reads something that is written about them but has nothing to do with them?
Ohh, L-F, you are asking great questions. Thank you for that, it makes my brain think more.

Technically, the letter will be about LO of course, and LO will not know if I care about their opinion or not.

Not sure how to explain it better, I know it may sound confusing (it's confusing even to me! :-)).

For example, when I was thinking of writing a letter last year, I was more concentrating on describing moments we spent with LO that I thought my LO would like, and it would make my LO better understand why we were having so many misunderstandings. But now, I'm more focusing on writing just enough so I would feel I disclosed just what I wanted and not dig too deep. The letter can't be 50 pages long, so I have to choose what to include and what to leave out of the picture. And before I was trying to explain every single situation that went south with my LO. But now I really don't care much about explaining it all, but rather telling what it felt like.

I tend to ruminate on things like "Oh, I wish I said that", and " I should've mentioned that" after I already finished the conversation. So in the letter I want to only concentrate on things that I feel are important for me to mention and that would make me feel I said all I wanted to say. I will only have one letter, and I doubt that I will ever meet my LO in this life.

It would be so much easier for me to disclose in person. Writing a letter is very hard. I like eye contact when I am trying to say things that are so personal in nature. And my LO would never ever guess I would have had any feelings towards them. It makes it even harder, not sure why.

I know, it may sound strange. Limerent brain does very strange things sometimes..
L-F
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Re: Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

Post by L-F »

StillLimerent wrote: Wed Mar 22, 2023 4:12 am But now, I'm more focusing on writing just enough so I would feel I disclosed just what I wanted and not dig too deep. The letter can't be 50 pages long, so I have to choose what to include and what to leave out of the picture. And before I was trying to explain every single situation that went south with my LO. But now I really don't care much about explaining it all, but rather telling what it felt like.

I tend to ruminate on things like "Oh, I wish I said that", and " I should've mentioned that" after I already finished the conversation. So in the letter I want to only concentrate on things that I feel are important for me to mention and that would make me feel I said all I wanted to say. I will only have one letter, and I doubt that I will ever meet my LO in this life.

It would be so much easier for me to disclose in person. Writing a letter is very hard. I like eye contact when I am trying to say things that are so personal in nature. And my LO would never ever guess I would have had any feelings towards them. It makes it even harder, not sure why.

I know, it may sound strange. Limerent brain does very strange things sometimes..
Hey I get it, I had one of those too :D

I'm going to throw some tuff love your way, just to give you another challenge/situation to consider to try and get you to walk in LOs shoes.
What im hearing, and I could be wrong so please correct me, is a lack of empathy for the person on the receiving end of the letter.

This letter helps YOU.
This letter is all about YOU and your perspective. It is what YOU want.

I'm not saying you are wrong or right, what im trying to do is help show you a different perspective.

I was completely ignorant of LOs feelings when I disclosed. In all honesty, I did not see my lack of empathy as a narcissistic trait (or flea). something I inherited from my father.
Fleas:
"When a non-personality-disordered individual (Non-PD) begins imitating or emulating some of the disordered behavior of a loved one or family member with a personality disorder this is sometimes referred to as "getting fleas".

Fleas comes from the adage “Lie down with dogs and you are bound to get fleas”.

Sometimes, when a person has been exposed to an abusive situation for a sustained period, they will look for ways to escape - and sometimes they will experiment or resort to behaviors which are not characteristic but serve as a mechanism to demonstrate their anger.

These behaviors are often destructive and counter-productive and rarely get the abuse victim what they want." taken from Out of the Fog Website https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to ... 12/3/fleas

Either way, you still have to do what helps you right? I mean, a limerent brain is a difficult thing to overcome.

I do wish you well and hope you choose the right path and I'm glad you have someone to share your letter with.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
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Re: Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

Post by L-F »

Btw, im not saying you have fleas. You come across as a caring individual.

For me, LO was the catalyst to take a deep and meaningful look at myself.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
StillLimerent
Posts: 16
Joined: Mon Jun 27, 2022 7:52 am
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Re: Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

Post by StillLimerent »

L-F wrote: Wed Mar 22, 2023 10:00 am
StillLimerent wrote: Wed Mar 22, 2023 4:12 am But now, I'm more focusing on writing just enough so I would feel I disclosed just what I wanted and not dig too deep. The letter can't be 50 pages long, so I have to choose what to include and what to leave out of the picture. And before I was trying to explain every single situation that went south with my LO. But now I really don't care much about explaining it all, but rather telling what it felt like.

I tend to ruminate on things like "Oh, I wish I said that", and " I should've mentioned that" after I already finished the conversation. So in the letter I want to only concentrate on things that I feel are important for me to mention and that would make me feel I said all I wanted to say. I will only have one letter, and I doubt that I will ever meet my LO in this life.

It would be so much easier for me to disclose in person. Writing a letter is very hard. I like eye contact when I am trying to say things that are so personal in nature. And my LO would never ever guess I would have had any feelings towards them. It makes it even harder, not sure why.

I know, it may sound strange. Limerent brain does very strange things sometimes..
Hey I get it, I had one of those too :D

I'm going to throw some tuff love your way, just to give you another challenge/situation to consider to try and get you to walk in LOs shoes.
What im hearing, and I could be wrong so please correct me, is a lack of empathy for the person on the receiving end of the letter.

This letter helps YOU.
This letter is all about YOU and your perspective. It is what YOU want.

I'm not saying you are wrong or right, what im trying to do is help show you a different perspective.

I was completely ignorant of LOs feelings when I disclosed. In all honesty, I did not see my lack of empathy as a narcissistic trait (or flea). something I inherited from my father.
Fleas:
"When a non-personality-disordered individual (Non-PD) begins imitating or emulating some of the disordered behavior of a loved one or family member with a personality disorder this is sometimes referred to as "getting fleas".

Fleas comes from the adage “Lie down with dogs and you are bound to get fleas”.

Sometimes, when a person has been exposed to an abusive situation for a sustained period, they will look for ways to escape - and sometimes they will experiment or resort to behaviors which are not characteristic but serve as a mechanism to demonstrate their anger.

These behaviors are often destructive and counter-productive and rarely get the abuse victim what they want." taken from Out of the Fog Website https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to ... 12/3/fleas

Either way, you still have to do what helps you right? I mean, a limerent brain is a difficult thing to overcome.

I do wish you well and hope you choose the right path and I'm glad you have someone to share your letter with.
That's a very interesting point of view, L-F. I can only thank you for keeping my brain working, I like that! I'm an extrovert, and as most extroverts, I tend to process externally, by communicating with others. So I am open to any input and it always is very helpful to me.

Well, limerence is all about the limerents. Limerence is selfish in it's nature. We tend to want reciprocation and attentions from our LOs no matter what. Limerents don't even care if their LOs are married and still flirt and hope to connect with LOs knowing that LOs have a family. If limerents cared about how LOs really feel (not LOs in our limerents brains, but real LOs as people), it would be called love, not limerence.

My LO is in no way anyhow innocent and had caused a lot of trouble and hurt with their words and actions. Doesn't mean that I would want to return it back at them. Disclosing in the way I want to disclose, and not caring how my LO may take it, doesn't mean I'm going to say something negative to them. It's just I don't really care if they find my letter flattering or if they may just shrug their shoulders and go with their day. If they may decide to reciprocate or if they may want to not respond (I will not read any of their responses anyways). I just no longer want to get closer to them. Before I wanted to write in a way that I thought my bring me closer to them. But I no longer feel that way. I disclosed to couple of my previous LOs and I've never regretted it.

I think it's also how we disclose things. Some are writing in a very romantic way and then feeling ashamed. Some are blaming their LOs. We disclose differently because we are different people. I never disclosed in a negative way or in any overly romantic way. What I said to my previous LOs was that I had feelings for them and that's a why my interaction with them wasn't smooth, that I had a lot of conflicting feelings as I was crazily attracted to them. To my surprise, both LOs after initially rejecting me, got back to me after several months and wanted to date (but it was too late as I moved on pretty quickly after I disclosed). I guess my disclosures were flattering :-) But I did feel a lot of guilt and shame after I disclosed. For a while. Then I was moving on.
David
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Re: Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

Post by David »

Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
L-F
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Re: Disclose and get unstuck from limerence limbo?

Post by L-F »

Your tiktok link doesn't show David
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
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