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Hello from Wonky

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
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StillWonky
Posts: 16
Joined: Wed Mar 22, 2023 7:48 pm
Great Britain

Hello from Wonky

Post by StillWonky »

Hello everybody. I used to be on here as WonkyBrain. Back in the olden days I spent way too long mooning over a guy who ran a cafe and turned out to be engaged to someone. I don't think of him anymore. I actually think of this forum and the people on here more than I do him. Anyway, I might be long over him but I'm still wonky, dammit. Apologies in advance for what may be an ugly emotional dump of things I've had bottled up for a long time. I tried journalling it but I really feel I need people right now.

So, uh, refresher or update for those who knew me and intro for those who I haven't met yet...

A few years back I got myself all confused and tangled up over a guy who served me lunch a few times a week. I won't bother with details as you all know the basic moves of this crazy dance. Thinking I maybe just needed some companionship and physical contact, I then started a long distance relationship with a younger guy. I thought that would cure it. Ha, well you know how that goes and I stayed in the LE for ages whilst still in the relationship, so I added massive guilt on top of LE. I dug deep into why I felt I'd ended up in this state, which to be honest is just a bottomless pit. Eventually I went no contact. I still felt it of course - I walked past the place nearly every day - but no contact did help. No new scenarios to replay, y'know. Then one day the cafe closed and he was gone. These days he hardly ever pops in my head. There's no part of me that thinks me and him should have ended up together. I'm really glad for the help I had on this forum.

I'm still terrible at relationships. The long distance SO dumped me by text a week ago, after 7 years together. I found the relationship hard from the get go. I tried using things I'd learned on here about what healthy relationships are supposed to look like to get me through it but it was still terrible. I wanted to come on this forum a lot, but he and I had a really bad boundary problem with my technology and he was always accessing my passwords to accounts, reading my phone when I left the room etc. I did what I always end up doing in relationships. I cut myself off from people and became increasingly mentally and physically unwell. I actually got so physically unwell that I ended up housebound for the last 6 months. My SO, who could be quite needy and was attracted to my avoidant ways, said for years how much he wished I would let my walls down and be needy myself. But of course people never really want the thing they think they do, and when I became ill and actually needed him he became completely repelled by it. He gradually got more and more absent. It's possible there was someone else involved - he may even have had an LO - he was showing the signs. Anyway, it's done, and I have another relationship disaster under my belt. I'm probably making it sound worse than it is because I'm feeling low. I'm not unwell anymore, thankfully. I'm all over the place emotionally though.

Sooo, anyway, there's this guy....

*groans*

Sooo, while I was into cafe guy, there was this other guy who worked in the gym that I had a milder version of LE with. It was like an echo or a ghost of LE - same shape but less intense. Less intense because there were no conversations to ruminate over - we've never spoken. Back in the day, I actually used my reactions to gym guy to help me figure out some reasons why cafe guy hit me so hard. For example, I'd get romantic feelings for both of them while watching them being sweet to elderly people or having non-flirty banter with women. It was actually quite handy having two I could compare reactions to. I stopped going to that gym about the same time I went no contact with cafe guy, as I couldn't handle the stress of self-consciousness and confusion on top of having to work out. Last year, I really needed to go back to the gym to help strengthen a dodgy shoulder. I decided it best not to go back to the gym where gym guy worked. I went to the same chain but a different location. One day they had some kind of training day for the staff of all the local branches and he was there. Within a week he had switched to working in my branch. So I was back in that situation again - going all goofy over signals - thinking he was trying to create situations where I might talk to him. It wasn't full on crazy-making like with cafe guy - I don't know anything about him so can't weave dramatic stories about things that could happen between us. And it's hard to feel super excited and romantic and sexy in a brightly lit room full of mirrors.

So now that I have my health back and trying to recover from a stint of seriously low self-esteem, I thought it would be good for me to go back to the gym. And my brain says I can't go because of gym guy. Part of me is really fed up of bending myself to fit around men. I stopped going to the cafe, which I liked, because of a guy. Then I moved from a near gym to a gym further away because of a guy. I just spent 7 years bending myself into all kinds of weird shapes over a guy. It's not the fault of the men, it's me, I keep doing it. Can't I just go to the gym? Would it really be that bad to be in the same room as someone I have a weird dynamic with? I feel I keep isolating mysef from things that could be healthy for me because of my men problems. It seems daft.

And look, ok, I have to say it, I know, I know how this sounds and I can already hear LF tutting and shaking her head as I say it, but....
What if he likes me but was never able to initiate because you can't really hit on people that come into your workplace? I'm always wearing headphones and have a weird barrier up, and maybe I could make it easier for him to approach me or I could actually initiate a conversation...
There ok I said it. I'm 47 and a millenial just dumped me by text so I'm gonna allow myself to say something super stupid :D
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Hello from Wonky

Post by L-F »

Haha bless you SW :x

Yes, I remember your story! My heart goes out to you with your current predicament. Sorry to hear about the breakup too.

I'm fascinated by your icky moments around men and needing to create physical space. Not fascinated like sitting on the edge of my seat, fascinated in general. I don't blame you and actually think this is a great strategy, yet, it also sounds like it's not a healthy one for you (for someone else it might be a healthy strategy). You on the other hand sound irritated/pained by not being able to go places these men are at.

I'm questioning what this "space" is about. Not the strategy, the 'physical space'. I'm not sure why, it's the word or theme that is running through my head when I read your post.

It's so great to hear from you!
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
StillWonky
Posts: 16
Joined: Wed Mar 22, 2023 7:48 pm
Great Britain

Re: Hello from Wonky

Post by StillWonky »

It's so great to hear from you!
And you LF! :) This is still just the best place to come to embarrass oneself. Have been reading back on recent posts. Lovely how loyal to the cause you've been here.
I'm questioning what this "space" is about. Not the strategy, the 'physical space'. I'm not sure why, it's the word or theme that is running through my head when I read your post.
Ooer, I think you just pointed to the tip of an iceberg I didn't realise was there. You are right, that theme is running all the way through my post and I didn't notice. Having a boyfriend an ocean away yet not being able to create boundaries and space, having too many "walls" up, being housebound, feeling my freedom of movement is being blocked by men, feeling like I couldn't even come into the forum space...gosh I'm not quite sure what to make of it just yet. I looked at the rest of my life and that theme also appears to be running through the whole thing. I've been physically locked up and emotionally trapped and restricted a lot. I may just be repeatedly trying to create situations in which I feel trapped in some way? Ok I need to sleep on this, I don't quite know what to make of it.

Thanks, that was revelatory.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Hello from Wonky

Post by L-F »

The headphone thing. Barrier.
Seeing non-flirty banter between f/m. Relational.

Relational barriers?
Q. What's holding you back?
I don't have the answers. These are just the things jumping out at me. I'm wondering if there is an underlying fear, and if so, of what?

And btw, I don't think there is anything wrong with finding people attractive, physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, etc. Could you be afraid of attraction? Random question I know. The thing with finding people attractive, even physically attractive, doesn't equate to physical intimacy. In fact, I'd go so far as to say relational intimacy is what we should be striving for in all our relationships, even platonic ones, because intimacy doesn't mean intercourse. It means, in my view, seeing a person and being seen.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Hello from Wonky

Post by L-F »

^^^ sorry, im rambling B-)
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Hello from Wonky

Post by L-F »

StillWonky wrote: Thu Mar 23, 2023 10:59 pm Have been reading back on recent posts. Lovely how loyal to the cause you've been here.
It's funny, no one seems to have noticed my 9 month vacay from here =))
Anyway, yep, I'm back.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
StillWonky
Posts: 16
Joined: Wed Mar 22, 2023 7:48 pm
Great Britain

Re: Hello from Wonky

Post by StillWonky »

The headphone thing. Barrier.
Seeing non-flirty banter between f/m. Relational.

Relational barriers?
Q. What's holding you back?
Spot on. The headphones are massive too. And I wear them everywhere. Sheesh.

I swing wildly between not being able to set boundaries and building fortresses around myself. I just dealt with one of my worst fears coming true, when I let down my walls and needed my SO for the first time and he disappeared. I was actually relying on him to do my online food shops for me because I was too ill so I was left in this terror of being alone without food and I went straight back into the child state of when my parents would leave me in danger. Which gave me some remembering of where I learnt to build walls. After feeling that vulnerable recently, my kneejerk instinct was all "Ok build the wall back thicker and higher!". But of course that was the problem from the start - if they don't see all of you, you'll never know what parts they wont accept when it comes out. Ok no more pendulum swings. And the headphones are coming off. Good points and question - thanks so much. :)
Could you be afraid of attraction?
Probably! I've only been strongly attracted to two people in my 40s, cafe man (more a sexual thing) and gym man (more a romance-y type thing). I have people platonically I'm drawn towards and want to hang out with but lovemate(?!) attraction doesn't happen to me often and these days just freaks me out. A therapist I saw in my 30s said there was something really wrong in how I pick partners. I don't trust my judgement now. Cafe man was obviously a massive error. I tried to be all sensible and not follow strong emotions when picking SO, and that was an error. Gym man probably has a husband or a drug addiction or a crazy ex wife who lives in the attic, knowing my poor judgement and inability to see red flags. Yes, ok, I'm terrified of the weird juju that is attraction! @-)
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