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Can This Take Years to Get Over?

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
Pattihopeful
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Can This Take Years to Get Over?

Post by Pattihopeful »

…,
Last edited by Pattihopeful on Thu Apr 06, 2023 12:49 pm, edited 2 times in total.
L-F
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Re: Can This Take Years to Get Over?

Post by L-F »

Hi Patti! Good to see you back, sorry to see you are still struggling :(
Since I know your story and the huge progress you have made over the yrs, I'm going to ask a somewhat confrontational question, so apologies in advance ...

What part of you is afraid to look at yourself?

^^^ I'm saying this because I know you are familiar with the "it's not about LO" saying and have a good grasp of limerence.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
David
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Re: Can This Take Years to Get Over?

Post by David »

Sadly, Limerence can go on for many years. I do believe that no contact is important to start breaking the fantasy as any form of contact tends to reignite the dopamine cells in our brain.

As to trying to discover why you have developed Limerence, there are many articles on the forum here And will give you some insights. A couple that come to mind immediately it’s a massive distraction from dealing with often deeper existential issues that are going on in our lives such as a midlife crisis. A dead marriage or children growing up and leaving the nest and starting to ask what is life all about?

A competent therapist should be able to help you.
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
L-F
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Re: Can This Take Years to Get Over?

Post by L-F »

From memory Patti read most articles when the forum was free to access, and if I remember correctly, had a T?
am I right Patti?

Check out Davids new TikTok channel, you'll find lots of good insight there.

As for how long, it can take years, decades even. Took me roughly 10, but was mostly over it before finding this forum.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
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Re: Can This Take Years to Get Over?

Post by L-F »

Sorry for being a pain in the peach... B-)
Couldn't help wonder if it was more of a case of missing his friendship rather than a fear of no longer being limerent?
I'm fascinated in how you worded your post...
Pattihopeful wrote: Tue Mar 28, 2023 3:39 am I have some irrational fear of no longer having a reason to connect with him.
So if I'm correct, you are okay as long as you have him in your life?
My first post may seem odd, yet given what I know you've learned during your time here, I didn't want to repeat stuff you've already heard. If you just want to vent, then vent, that's cool too cos you know us limerents get it.

Hoping JT & Zsababy jump in.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Pattihopeful
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Re: Can This Take Years to Get Over?

Post by Pattihopeful »

Last edited by Pattihopeful on Thu Mar 30, 2023 11:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Zsababy
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Re: Can This Take Years to Get Over?

Post by Zsababy »

Hmmm... Lots to think about. First thing that jumps out at me is can you be friends with him. NO. He has terrible boundaries, has no qualms about getting into your head when he's not a therapist (maybe I do that, too lol) but also, very importantly, you don't trust him with your information about yourself. You think he might spread it if you go no contact. That is a *terrible* basis for a friendship. This potential blackmail thing is reminding me of the other life coach thread...but in that thread, L-F pointed out that disclosing private info would seriously damage their professional reputation, so if they had a lick of sense, they wouldn't.

As for telling him not to do it again, I'm on the fence. Telling him might not make a difference; he seems to have dodgy ethics. Or maybe his playing therapist was borne of good intentions (I've certainly done it). Or maybe he might get mad. It could lead to a very upsetting confrontation and it sounds like this is the last thing you need.

I'd try to sever contact if you can, or at least minimize it, and focus on the existential & marital issues, as David advised. I tend to get limerant when I'm single or in a boring relationship, so there's that. I've heard it from multiple people here that they were seeking the passion & spark that their marriage lacked. But passion & spark isn't lasting; it's just in the first couple of years in a relationship, so it would just be the same thing all over again. Keep reminding yourself of that, that this guy is no solution, no escape
Zsababy
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Re: Can This Take Years to Get Over?

Post by Zsababy »

Re: the potential confrontation, I see him getting defensive & playing mind games, from what you've said. The Life Coach friend I had liked to think of herself as very wise when she talked about things she didn't know about. Keep in mind that these people feel confident in their ability to practically run people's lives. I'm sure some of them are solid, but I imagine to here's a lot of BS in that world and woe be the one who questions it.
L-F
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Re: Can This Take Years to Get Over?

Post by L-F »

In reference to Number 1... Please don't beat yourself up.

Do you have caring nurturing relationships, in general? Someone you can turn to in time of need? People that make you feel you are important, safe, and heard?
If not, is it possible to surround yourself with such people?

I'm thinking he has recognised and played on your wounds/need for connection. Anyway, this won't be new to you. I'd say your T is spot on. LO did cross lines and what's with him telling you not to report him? Seems like an odd thing to say.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
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Re: Can This Take Years to Get Over?

Post by L-F »

And...
You have every right to be angry. I would. I was. It had more to do with LO playing unsolicited T (even though she was one, her professional hat was 'tutor') and asking her students to do reflections *big eye roll here* and me being me, I fell into the over-sharing hole which she seemed to lap up.

Sharing so that you know you're not alone with oversharing and professionals being unprofessional with sensitive information. So yeah, I was angry too. Did I tell her? I tried to but she kept avoiding me, funny that. I was also planning on quitting my studies because of it all. Praise the Lord she kept her distance because it gave me space to carry on with my studies.
In short, not having that closure did hurt at the time but means nothing to me now. It means absolutely nothing and there's nothing she could say to make me feel better or worse or indifferent. I believe you'll get there too.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
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