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Attachment Styles

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Attachment Styles

Post by L-F »

You often feel comfortable and at ease in relationships. You’re also good at communicating your needs and feelings, and feel open to vulnerability in your relationships. However, sometimes you can experience difficulty when relating to those who aren’t as secure in relationships.
Intense emotions can feel overwhelming and can cause you to pull away from others. You may find yourself withdrawing from arguments or triggering situations. This need for independence can cause challenges in your relationships and inner conflict for you, because deep down, you want to connect with others.

Basically, a combination of submissive avoidant & securely attached (see above notes).

Or in my terms, "Situational"... p!ss me off and feel my wrath. Jk ;))
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
StillWonky
Posts: 16
Joined: Wed Mar 22, 2023 7:48 pm
Great Britain

Re: Attachment Styles

Post by StillWonky »

I got fearful avoidant on both the linked tests.

"Fearful-avoidants deal with a childhood wound of betrayal. It is hard for them to deal with a feeling of distrust."

Yep, that's me! Has anyone had any luck changing their attachment style? It seems there's loads of places to find out which style you have but not too much advice on how to develop a more healthy one. Like you, Zsababy, relationships built off passion go badly for me. So I tried going into a relationship that looked safe and healthy instead. Only it wasn't. As fearful avoidants are supposed to learn to trust more, I tried to do that, but he turned out to be lying a lot, so all I felt I learned I was right to mistrust in the first place. Ugh. I'm thinking it might be better to build friendships with secure attachments first because it's probably easier to do.
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Attachment Styles

Post by Zsababy »

StillWonky wrote: Sat Apr 01, 2023 6:13 pm I got fearful avoidant on both the linked tests.

"Fearful-avoidants deal with a childhood wound of betrayal. It is hard for them to deal with a feeling of distrust."

Yep, that's me! Has anyone had any luck changing their attachment style? It seems there's loads of places to find out which style you have but not too much advice on how to develop a more healthy one. Like you, Zsababy, relationships built off passion go badly for me. So I tried going into a relationship that looked safe and healthy instead. Only it wasn't. As fearful avoidants are supposed to learn to trust more, I tried to do that, but he turned out to be lying a lot, so all I felt I learned I was right to mistrust in the first place. Ugh. I'm thinking it might be better to build friendships with secure attachments first because it's probably easier to do.
I would say, yes, most definitely I changed my attachment style with therapy, medication (severe anxiety here) & my choices of mates.

The fact that that guy was a liar certainly didn't help your trust issues. Some people bring out the worst in us & strike at our weaknesses. I was most definitely anxious & clingy in the past & was jealous enough to read my vaguely committal BFs journal, but I was right. He was still shopping around. He even admitted that he knew I was reading it & would leave it out intentionally. He basically loved my jealousy as it made him feel irresistible, but I eventually ended it because I didn't like how it affected me ,& thought all the drama was just stupid. He said "who said so!?" When I told him, like he could bully me into staying with him. IIRC, I said something like "I did, you idiot!"

So one of the qualities of secure attachment is the ability to get toxic people out of your life. Earlier on, I might have stayed with him & went status quo. So it played onu abandonment issues; I would go along no matter what because I felt I couldn't do any better.

It was anger that led me to just ditch people or tell them off if they mistreated me. When my mom would yell at me unfairly, I often yelled back. I didn't just sit there & take emotional abuse.

So, yes, I think I learned secure attachment but also, my scores for my parental relationship said "moderately secure". Yours may be different. If they're low, that might warrant therapy.
StillWonky
Posts: 16
Joined: Wed Mar 22, 2023 7:48 pm
Great Britain

Re: Attachment Styles

Post by StillWonky »

was jealous enough to read my vaguely committal BFs journal, but I was right. He was still shopping around. He even admitted that he knew I was reading it & would leave it out intentionally. He basically loved my jealousy as it made him feel irresistible, but I eventually ended it because I didn't like how it affected me
Oh wow the lengths us raumatised people will go to to torture ourselves never ceases to amaze me. Whilst I feel terrible you went through that, part of me is getting comfort from hearing relationship horror stories right now so I don't feel like The World's Only Idiot. So, thanks for sharing. I'm pleased that had a happy ending and you walked out.
So one of the qualities of secure attachment is the ability to get toxic people out of your life. Earlier on, I might have stayed with him & went status quo. So it played onu abandonment issues; I would go along no matter what because I felt I couldn't do any better.

It was anger that led me to just ditch people or tell them off if they mistreated me. When my mom would yell at me unfairly, I often yelled back. I didn't just sit there & take emotional abuse.

So, yes, I think I learned secure attachment but also, my scores for my parental relationship said "moderately secure". Yours may be different. If they're low, that might warrant therapy.
Useful and encouraging, thanks! I'd love to be able to express anger that freely. I've certainly learnt to recognise when certain people are mistreating me, such as family or "friends", and set boundaries and stuff (really hard though), but in relationships I just lose my mind . What you said about people bringing out the worst in eachother is pretty much my M.O.
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5665
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Attachment Styles

Post by JupiterTaco »

I wonder if that's the same when you don't leave someone because you feel stuck and/or afraid to leave them. Styles probably change based on relationship dynamics with different people too. At least that seems to be the case with me. I've never heard of fluid avoidant, maybe that's me too. =))
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Attachment Styles

Post by L-F »

JupiterTaco wrote: Sat Apr 01, 2023 10:09 pm I've never heard of fluid avoidant, maybe that's me too. =))
I was going to put that but chose 'situational'. Some of this I think is hogwash, too many variables to slap a label on someone.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
StillWonky
Posts: 16
Joined: Wed Mar 22, 2023 7:48 pm
Great Britain

Re: Attachment Styles

Post by StillWonky »

Some of this I think is hogwash, too many variables to slap a label on someone.
Agreed. Most of the questions I can't answer yes or no to, much more complicated than that.
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