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Narcissism in LE?

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Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
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Narcissism in LE?

Post by Zsababy »

At the risk of L-F going ape (lol), I was thinking about narcissism (not the clinical kind) in limerants because someone brought it up on Facebook in the context of pursuing people that are out of our league. They said the YouTuber Crappy Childhood Fairy brought this up.

Right now, as I've said many times, I'm fixated on someone waaaay out of my league in terms of accomplishments & status (but not looks). But several of my LOs have been in my leagues looks-wise & have even been interested in me in the distant past.
I'd say I have a bit of vulnerable narcissism in terms of insecurity and sensitivity to criticism. I can take correction at work but it internally sends me into a bit of a shame spiral.

I wonder if I'm seeking approval from a high-status person out of insecurity. Although there have been moments of bipolar delusions of grandeur, which is also a whacky form of narcissism.

Does this general theory ring true for you?
JupiterTaco
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Re: Narcissism in LE?

Post by JupiterTaco »

I've had various types of former LOs. I don't think for me it had anything to do with their status, rather it was some whatever thing that they represented to me I think but I'm notorious for never having cared about economic status (which has kicked my ass for quite some time now but moving on =)) ). For some people it might be that. I wish I had an answer.

The past transference object that I talked about in one of my recent journal entries was probably the first person I've read about who may be by all logic out of my league economically. I am not interested in reconnecting with this guy. I'm just mystified that out of the blue this dude is on my mind. Even right now I can look at the situation and go, oh hell no! And I'm writing about him and not missing or regretting not keeping in touch with him! But it's been going on for a week now that I'll get this slight pain out of nowhere like I miss him and then it goes away. Just no logic I tell you...
"Men are fooled so easily. Women wrelike spiders. They'll pull you into their webs and...wrap you up so tight you can hardly breathe," Griselda Blanco, Cocaine Godmother
Asha999
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Re: Narcissism in LE?

Post by Asha999 »

Ok if you know you are limerent and presumably trying to beat it or manage it, isn’t that an inherently narcissistic experience? Regardless of what league the LO is in I guess by definition they are unattainable or otherwise you wouldn’t have the limerence because the relationship would be there. So if you’re aware you’re limerent you’re left to know this is your experience and issues and has nothing to do with LO or the relationship, which basically is a self centered or narcissistic path to recognition and recovery?

I dunno in my case I’d love to focus on LO, please her, maker her happy, get to know what in the hell she is thinking but she gives me almost nothing to work with. So to beat this lack of reciprocation and consummation we have no choice but to look inward and focus all the energies there?
L-F
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Re: Narcissism in LE?

Post by L-F »

Zsababy wrote: Sun May 14, 2023 9:54 pm At the risk of L-F going ape
Lol

I'm glad you mentioned not the clinical kind.

It has it's place. I prefer the term ARSEHOLE, but hey, if narcissism works.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
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Re: Narcissism in LE?

Post by L-F »

L-F wrote: Mon May 15, 2023 12:54 am
Zsababy wrote: Sun May 14, 2023 9:54 pm At the risk of L-F going ape
Lol

I'm glad you mentioned not the clinical kind.

It has its place. I prefer the term ARSEHOLE, but hey, if narcissism works.
Okay, I take that back. Hadn't read the entire post, I thought you were referring to the 'other' person which in my mind is often the ... Anyhoo, you are not one in my opinion. Maybe rather than the A word, change to EGO.

Perhaps our insecurities manifest in what looks like narcissism (I give in, I'm just going with the flow on this one and will use the N-word for argument's sake).

I agree with Asha, limerence has an unattainable component to it. But then, there's mutual limerence where people do hook up.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: Narcissism in LE?

Post by Zsababy »

Asha999 wrote: Mon May 15, 2023 12:49 am Ok if you know you are limerent and presumably trying to beat it or manage it, isn’t that an inherently narcissistic experience? Regardless of what league the LO is in I guess by definition they are unattainable or otherwise you wouldn’t have the limerence because the relationship would be there. So if you’re aware you’re limerent you’re left to know this is your experience and issues and has nothing to do with LO or the relationship, which basically is a self centered or narcissistic path to recognition and recovery
So to beat this lack of reciprocation and consummation we have no choice but to look inward and focus all the energies there?
Hmm, I don't know that I think that working on yourself is inherently narcissistic; self-absorbed, maybe, but not with the ego so involved. For me, narcissism involves excessive involvement with the ego, and in many instances it could be compensatory for insecurity. I know that deep down I really want to create artistic accomplishments even if I consciously have a DIY mentality, when I was young I was super insecure about not having any outstanding talents or achievements. I often fantasize about being able to do things that would impress my LO. I think there are some ego-driven needs there.
L-F
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Re: Narcissism in LE?

Post by L-F »

Yeeeeeassss! Yeehaaaa
And my EGO is super pleased I've managed to insert 'ego' in to the picture as opposed to the N word, lol

Okay, getting off my high horse now.

I agree inner work isn't ego-based and reflecting on what you wrote Zsababy, im wondering if it's a case of transference.

It's easy to see where we fall flat, or what we lack, but it always goes back to the why questions imo. Okay so you admired certain qualities that you wished you had and unconsciously looked for them in others. But why? To compensate for lacking? Is it possible you view others as a way to fix things? Some couples I've seen have this "I am whole when we are together" mentality.

Just some random thoughts.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
L-F
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Re: Narcissism in LE?

Post by L-F »

But then, why look for these qualities in the unattainable? Hmm... :-??
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
fup
Posts: 84
Joined: Thu Apr 13, 2023 10:45 am
Belgium

Re: Narcissism in LE?

Post by fup »

I can definitely relate to the aspect of some sort of non-clinical narcissism present during LE. For me, all of my past LOs have been non-romantic, but parental high status people. This is mostly related to a lack of nurture and acceptance in childhood growing up with narcissistic parents. But I’m also starting to recognize some narcissistic traits in my self. My LEs have all been kicked off by the LO showing care and an interest in me, following by my damaged brain thinking that I’ll finally get what I want and need (and deserve and desire). So I find that I’m also showing narcissistic behavior during LE in that sense that I’m desperately seeking validation from LO and essentially don’t really see them as human beings rather than just object to fulfill my needs. I think I have inherited some narcissistic traits from my upbringing.

I really want to stress the non-clinical aspect of narcissism here. It’s not that my behavior towards LO is unethical. I still treat them as human beings because I recognize that this is the right thing to do, and I would never do something deliberately bad. But I can definitely get manipulative and forget completely about their feelings and needs, unless there’s something in it for me. All because I’m not able to focus on anything else than the LO in relation to my own feelings instead of the LO separated from that as an actual person.

Not sure this answers your question. But it have definitely helped me in the past to focus meeting my needs that LO represents in another healthy way. And in a way, isn’t non-clinical narcissism in a way a coping mechanism for unmet needs?
L-F
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Re: Narcissism in LE?

Post by L-F »

So insightful fup. Thanks for sharing. As for parents passing down certain traits, check out fleas. By the way, I don't like it when people label themselves damaged or broken, when I read it it's like a pang to my heart (my issue not yours). I would say we are all a little damaged in one way or another, thus making us normal. You are right, it's often about coping mechanisms, so, in essence, we aren't damaged per se but have unhealthy coping mechanisms. I see us as being beautiful undamaged souls with the wrong kind of support growing up. But then, often narcissistic parents are nothing but beautiful undamaged souls with the wrong kind of support growing up. Sorry to hear your parents were like mine. It's difficult to grow up in this kind of environment.
https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to ... 12/3/fleas
fup wrote: Mon May 15, 2023 6:45 pm And in a way, isn’t non-clinical narcissism in a way a coping mechanism for unmet needs?
And this is why I don't like the term. Many issues get lumped under 'narcissism' as if it's selfish to find a way to meet one's needs. No, it's not. A person who uses unhealthy strategies isn't necessarily evil. More often than not they are unaware of the strategies they use and don't purposefully attempt to harm others. Fup, I'm assuming you didn't intentionally want to harm anyone right? I'm also assuming you did what you did while unaware and the moment you started inner work, you could see your coping style.

And this is why I feel society is too quick to label people narcissists. The same rule applies to our parents. It makes me cry thinking of my father dying with the emotional maturity of a two year old. Makes me sad to think his entire life he had zip self-awareness. I also question whether any heavy lifting would have crushed his soul. It hurts when you realise past mistakes.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
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