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How to deal with LOs lover?

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fup
Posts: 84
Joined: Thu Apr 13, 2023 10:45 am
Belgium

How to deal with LOs lover?

Post by fup »

So my LO is non-romantic and a coworker. LO is involved in a rather messy love affair with another coworker, let’s call her B. A long while back it seemed like B picked up on something going on between and LO I. B started to ask questions, started crying when LO and I talked and physically got in between on one occasion where LO and I had an agreement to hang out after work, back when LO and I were friends.
That was my big cue to get myself together and snap out of the LE. I’m not exactly sure if LO had also started making distance to me because of B. Or if the distance there is and should be now, is a result of me trying to take myself out of the situation.

B is trying hard to befriend me. This started back when LO and I were friends. Now B is back using me as a shoulder whenever there’s trouble in paradise. And I just can’t deal with it. I’ve been doing great dealing with this LE lately. It’s hard enough to deal with LO at work, but I don’t need a constant reminder I get whenever B is approaching me to talk about LO.

I really want to tell B to stop come running to me every time they break up and make up, because I’m also hurting from a lost friendship with the same person. But I’m afraid this will be a mistake. What I really want to say is yelling at B “leave me alone, you got what you wanted, I stopped talking to LO”. But that would definitely be a mistake.

I’m just not sure what else I can say to make B back off with the business about LO? I don’t mind talking to B about other stuff. I have been lonely at work missing the time when I was social and having fun before I took distance to LO. So in a way it’s nice that B is befriending me again. I just can’t deal with the stuff about LO. How to explain that??
L-F
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
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Re: How to deal with LOs lover?

Post by L-F »

Hey fup, been meaning to reply. When you said
fup wrote: Mon May 15, 2023 7:53 pm LO is involved in a rather messy love affair with another coworker, let’s call her B.
When you said affair, did you mean love triangle? Is B involved with someone else? Wasn't sure what you meant by messy love affair.

It's difficult when people want your support and you're out of energy. is it possible to tell B that you'd rather not get involved with their personal affairs as you are friends with both of them? You don't have to explain yourself or your situation. perhaps B doesn't know that you are keeping your distance from LO, in which case, still makes you LO's friend.

If I were in your shoes, I'd politely tell B that I'm not qualified to respond to relationship issues and that perhaps a counsellor might be a better option.

Probably won't win friends but at least it will get the message across.

All the best fup! You're doing great.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
fup
Posts: 84
Joined: Thu Apr 13, 2023 10:45 am
Belgium

Re: How to deal with LOs lover?

Post by fup »

L-F wrote: Tue May 16, 2023 8:01 am Hey fup, been meaning to reply. When you said
fup wrote: Mon May 15, 2023 7:53 pm LO is involved in a rather messy love affair with another coworker, let’s call her B.
When you said affair, did you mean love triangle? Is B involved with someone else? Wasn't sure what you meant by messy love affair.

It's difficult when people want your support and you're out of energy. is it possible to tell B that you'd rather not get involved with their personal affairs as you are friends with both of them? You don't have to explain yourself or your situation. perhaps B doesn't know that you are keeping your distance from LO, in which case, still makes you LO's friend.

If I were in your shoes, I'd politely tell B that I'm not qualified to respond to relationship issues and that perhaps a counsellor might be a better option.

Probably won't win friends but at least it will get the message across.

All the best fup! You're doing great.
Thanks for the support. It means a lot

I don’t think there’s a love triangle going on. It’s just messy bc there’s so much drama going on between B and LO. Though I’ve definitely kind of felt in a triangle back when LO and I were friends, because of the combination of my own feelings, Bs constant eyes on me and LO and I being close while LO would hide the affair with B from me even though LO knew that I knew about it. Seriously sooo messes up.

I think I’m going to explain to B that it just feels too weird for me because LO and I used to be friends. I guess that’s a legit excuse. B knows that LO and I are not friends anymore. The whole situation is just so messy.
fup
Posts: 84
Joined: Thu Apr 13, 2023 10:45 am
Belgium

Re: How to deal with LOs lover?

Post by fup »

Damn. I’m not doing so great these days. I’m really just spiraling completely into this huge pile of shame. One second I’m convinced that LO and I would still be friends if it weren’t for B and my need to take distance and that LO in their own way is kind of missing me and feel bad about the distance. The next second I’m asking myself what the f I was thinking believing that LO actually cared about me questioning if all the things LO ever said to me was just in my head. Like I brought this to myself by thinking that LO and I were friends and now I’m being punished for it.
L-F
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
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Re: How to deal with LOs lover?

Post by L-F »

Yep, that's limerence. Always left second-guessing ourselves never knowing what part is real or what part is the story we created.

I would say most if not all LO's do show some affection or interest of some kind but not enough to enter into a full blown relationship, whereas limerents don't have a cut-off point. They want it all and often at a great cost.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
David
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Re: How to deal with LOs lover?

Post by David »

fup wrote: Tue May 16, 2023 10:55 am Damn. I’m not doing so great these days. I’m really just spiraling completely into this huge pile of shame. One second I’m convinced that LO and I would still be friends if it weren’t for B and my need to take distance and that LO in their own way is kind of missing me and feel bad about the distance. The next second I’m asking myself what the f I was thinking believing that LO actually cared about me questioning if all the things LO ever said to me was just in my head. Like I brought this to myself by thinking that LO and I were friends and now I’m being punished for it.
Shane is a big part of Limerence and is at the root of probably nearly every client that I work with. Shame is one of those emotions that most of us don’t want to touch and will do anything to avoid. Addiction is one of many well-known strategies that we as humans use to keep our shame hidden.

The antidote to shame is light, it is to get it out there and talk about it in places like this forum I think working on our Shane is a lifetimes job.
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
fup
Posts: 84
Joined: Thu Apr 13, 2023 10:45 am
Belgium

Re: How to deal with LOs lover?

Post by fup »

Thanks, both of you. I’m really in a bad place right now. I talked to another coworker briefly about the whole situation. Just in a normal way, that I felt sad about LO and I not taking any more. And it actually helped a bit. Even though others might not understand the depths and complexity of how I feel, most can relate to the feeling of losing a friend.
I know that the opposite of shame is light. But how do you talk about it without disclosing?
L-F
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: How to deal with LOs lover?

Post by L-F »

fup wrote: Wed May 17, 2023 4:13 pm But how do you talk about it without disclosing it?
To whom? Who do you want to chat with? There are several 'safe' people you can disclose to, such as here, David or another therapist, a trusted friend or family member, a minister (or the like). Do you have anyone you can turn to fup? Someone who won't judge you?

Sending you good vibes and strength fup.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: How to deal with LOs lover?

Post by Zsababy »

This tactic might be super clumsy, but this reminds me of a conversation I had with my therapist about friends who want to use me as a therapist & who don't have great boundaries. The phrase we worked out (and this was a visualization for future interactions) was "I'm sorry you're feeling bad, but I can't have this conversation right now. It's too much for me". I even imagine putting up my hands in a variation of the "talk to the hand" gesture. It's a bit stilted, but they'll get the point. Just shut it down & ignore the reaction.

Now, my experience with trying to set boundaries with people has not gone well, but in the end, I don't care. To be dead honest, I'm done with being a therapist to people who feel entitled to it. People often get indignant & try to insist that they're not being a burden, they don't do it that much, that you're overreacting, lack compassion, "I was there for you!" (Even if the balance is lopsided in their favor), etc. Expect a negative reaction, but just blow it off and let that be her thing & detach.
Them's my thoughts ✊
Zsababy
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:15 am
United States of America

Re: How to deal with LOs lover?

Post by Zsababy »

Sorry I kind of broke the flow; I was referring to the above issue of B coming to you to cry on your shoulder about LO. You don't need any reminders of LO.
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