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How to deal with LOs lover?

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
fup
Posts: 84
Joined: Thu Apr 13, 2023 10:45 am
Belgium

Re: How to deal with LOs lover?

Post by fup »

L-F wrote: Wed May 17, 2023 9:27 pm
fup wrote: Wed May 17, 2023 4:13 pm But how do you talk about it without disclosing it?
To whom? Who do you want to chat with? There are several 'safe' people you can disclose to, such as here, David or another therapist, a trusted friend or family member, a minister (or the like). Do you have anyone you can turn to fup? Someone who won't judge you?

Sending you good vibes and strength fup.
Thanks L-F. I figured it might help to talk to B and explain that she can’t come running to me. I don’t have a lot of people to talk to, but writing here helps a lot!
fup
Posts: 84
Joined: Thu Apr 13, 2023 10:45 am
Belgium

Re: How to deal with LOs lover?

Post by fup »

Zsababy wrote: Thu May 18, 2023 4:50 pm This tactic might be super clumsy, but this reminds me of a conversation I had with my therapist about friends who want to use me as a therapist & who don't have great boundaries. The phrase we worked out (and this was a visualization for future interactions) was "I'm sorry you're feeling bad, but I can't have this conversation right now. It's too much for me". I even imagine putting up my hands in a variation of the "talk to the hand" gesture. It's a bit stilted, but they'll get the point. Just shut it down & ignore the reaction.

Now, my experience with trying to set boundaries with people has not gone well, but in the end, I don't care. To be dead honest, I'm done with being a therapist to people who feel entitled to it. People often get indignant & try to insist that they're not being a burden, they don't do it that much, that you're overreacting, lack compassion, "I was there for you!" (Even if the balance is lopsided in their favor), etc. Expect a negative reaction, but just blow it off and let that be her thing & detach.
Them's my thoughts ✊
Thanks. I guess I need to just shut it down instead of having a conversation about it. This is probably the better option
fup
Posts: 84
Joined: Thu Apr 13, 2023 10:45 am
Belgium

Re: How to deal with LOs lover?

Post by fup »

So I kind of had a talk with B today. It was not planned, we just happened to be at the same place at the same time. I explained that I had been feeling really sad about my friendship with LO going down the toilet and I just wanted to move on and not think about it, which is why I don’t like to talk about LO. B seemed to understand and said that LO had also been sad about it. B asked if she could tell LO about our conversation which I said was OK. I felt very relieved after. And I’m not thinking anything comes out of it, and I don’t have any hopes. So I’ll take it as a kind of closure.
fup
Posts: 84
Joined: Thu Apr 13, 2023 10:45 am
Belgium

Re: How to deal with LOs lover?

Post by fup »

I’m talked a bit more to B yesterday. I never disclosed or anything, just mentioned I had been feeling sad about how things went. Now I’m starting to question everything… My mind is messing with me a bit. It’s like this whole situation has a meta level for me and my core need to believe that people are good and that openness and honest communication is always the better option. I’m never going to disclose to LO. But I kind of feel like I put my self in a situation where I might have to talk to LO about why we stopped being friends. And I’m not sure if I wanna have that conversation. I feel like an official “break up” could potentially be very bad for me due to the fact that we have to work together. On the other hand I think it’s the limbo that is messing with me. It causes me to wonder what LO thinks and if LO still cares about me.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: How to deal with LOs lover?

Post by L-F »

Limerence being what it is, disclosing isn't encouraged.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
fup
Posts: 84
Joined: Thu Apr 13, 2023 10:45 am
Belgium

Re: How to deal with LOs lover?

Post by fup »

L-F wrote: Mon May 22, 2023 11:48 am Limerence being what it is, disclosing isn't encouraged.
I’d never disclose!
I’m just trying to find a normal way to be in this situation, I guess. If I practice behaving and thinking in a normal way, I hope things will start to feel normal.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: How to deal with LOs lover?

Post by L-F »

fup wrote: Mon May 22, 2023 12:24 pm I’d never disclose!
That's good because it's not recommended and wouldn't bring closure. Good work fup
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
fup
Posts: 84
Joined: Thu Apr 13, 2023 10:45 am
Belgium

Re: How to deal with LOs lover?

Post by fup »

Thanks. I’m already starting to feel better again.

LO accidentally called B by my name to day on several occasions. And yesterday I had a long intense meeting with LO. Two days in a row with this could easily have sent me spiraling right back in. And I did think a bit about what it would be like to have an actual conversation with LO again and the possibility if circumstances were different that perhaps we could reconnect and resume some sort of friendship at some point in the future. But over all I stayed cool calm and collected.
fup
Posts: 84
Joined: Thu Apr 13, 2023 10:45 am
Belgium

Re: How to deal with LOs lover?

Post by fup »

Just writing my thoughts here again for some type of outlet.

B approached me to day to talk a bit more about our previous conversation and asked me how I felt about the whole thing with LO. I told her that she should feel free to talk to LO about our conversation or anything she feels like without any consideration to me and that I’m fine with how things right now. It sucks a bit that she doesn’t want to let it go. I guess she doesn’t like that there is some unfinished business with me and LO. Which I guess is always the case with limerence, right? Part of me thinks that I might have had that conversation with B because of an underlying desire to reconnect with LO. But on the other hand that conversation was such a huge relief for me that it had to be done. So no regrets at all!

I’m starting to dread that LO might want to talk to me about it at some point. And I’m starting preparing myself mentally in case that happens. I’m thinking I would say that yes, I’ve been feeling sad about how things went down. But I’m fine with the current situation and have no needs to talk about it. Hope that will do.

It just sucks so bad that I have to distance myself so much from people I spend so much time with and previously considered friends. We’re a small team of expats, so I really feel isolated atm. And then these thoughts occur in my mind that it couldn’t be that harmful to have an actual conversation with LO and try to be just casually friends like the rest of our team. I just really want to believe that it could be a possible scenario. But I’m too scared that it’ll end badly and I don’t want to rock the boat and risk anything, when things are manageable atm.
vesseloflight
Posts: 50
Joined: Thu Apr 20, 2023 7:16 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Re: How to deal with LOs lover?

Post by vesseloflight »

David wrote: Wed May 17, 2023 6:40 am
fup wrote: Tue May 16, 2023 10:55 am Damn. I’m not doing so great these days. I’m really just spiraling completely into this huge pile of shame. One second I’m convinced that LO and I would still be friends if it weren’t for B and my need to take distance and that LO in their own way is kind of missing me and feel bad about the distance. The next second I’m asking myself what the f I was thinking believing that LO actually cared about me questioning if all the things LO ever said to me was just in my head. Like I brought this to myself by thinking that LO and I were friends and now I’m being punished for it.
Shane is a big part of Limerence and is at the root of probably nearly every client that I work with. Shame is one of those emotions that most of us don’t want to touch and will do anything to avoid. Addiction is one of many well-known strategies that we as humans use to keep our shame hidden.

The antidote to shame is light, it is to get it out there and talk about it in places like this forum I think working on our Shane is a lifetimes job.

A lifetimes work. This is such insight. Thank you, David. I read something over the weekend about the broken parts of ourselves are where the light has the chance of releasing...freeing. We all want to be free and light. Funny how so many organized spiritual routes have a tendency to push the light back inside of us instead of releasing all of it out of us. So many people are afraid of artists for this reason....because artists, especially stand up comics, MUST release the light (their own 'brokenness') within them to get belly laughs from the audience. The irony that so many teachings about "light" are about being saintly or above others - something NONE of us can really be if we are to be honest citizens of the earth.
Last edited by vesseloflight on Mon Jan 22, 2024 10:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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