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Shame

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
David
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Shame

Post by David »

I am beginning to wonder if most of our psychological coping mechanisms are to cover and hide our shame?

When i reflect back, i carried a lot of shame around many things.

Id be interested to read other’s experiences of their shame if you dare to share?
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
fup
Posts: 84
Joined: Thu Apr 13, 2023 10:45 am
Belgium

Re: Shame

Post by fup »

I don’t mind sharing. But I’m not sure I quite understand what you mean by shame. Shame has a lot of different aspects. For me I mostly feel shame about being limerent because I never knew what it was and felt like something was wrong with me
fup
Posts: 84
Joined: Thu Apr 13, 2023 10:45 am
Belgium

Re: Shame

Post by fup »

I read in another thread that you wrote something about the cause of Limerence being not having received unconditional love in the childhood. That is definitely the case for me. It’s a deep shame to carry when you feel unloved and unwanted by the people who brought you into this world. Parent have one job and that is to love their children. When they don’t, obviously the child will carry the shame.
David
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Re: Shame

Post by David »

Here is what AI had to say about shame

Shame is a complex emotion that can be difficult to define. It is often described as a feeling of humiliation, embarrassment, or worthlessness. Shame can be caused by a variety of factors, including making a mistake, being criticized, or feeling like you have let someone down.

Shame can have a significant impact on our thoughts, feelings, and behavior. It can make us feel worthless, inadequate, and isolated. It can also lead to anxiety, depression, and self-destructive behaviors.

If you are struggling with shame, it is important to remember that you are not alone. There are many people who have experienced shame, and there are resources available to help you cope.

Here are some tips for dealing with shame:

Talk to someone you trust about how you are feeling.
Challenge your negative thoughts about yourself.
Focus on your strengths and accomplishments.
Practice self-compassion.
Seek professional help if you need it.
Remember, shame is a normal human emotion. It is something that everyone experiences at some point in their lives. However, shame does not have to define you. With time and effort, you can overcome shame and live a happy and fulfilling life.

Here are some additional information about shame:

Shame is often associated with the following emotions:
Embarrassment
Humiliation
Worthlessness
Inadequacy
Isolation
Fear
Anger
Depression
Shame can be caused by a variety of factors, including:
Making a mistake
Being criticized
Feeling like you have let someone down
Being abused or neglected
Having a chronic illness or disability
Being a member of a minority group
Shame can have a significant impact on our thoughts, feelings, and behavior. It can make us feel:
Worthless
Inadequate
Isolated
Ashamed
Depressed
Angry
Self-destructive
If you are struggling with shame, it is important to remember that you are not alone. There are many people who have experienced shame, and there are resources available to help you cope.
Here are some tips for dealing with shame:
Talk to someone you trust about how you are feeling.
Challenge your negative thoughts about yourself.
Focus on your strengths and accomplishments.
Practice self-compassion.
Seek professional help if you need it.
Remember, shame is a normal human emotion. It is something that everyone experiences at some point in their lives. However, shame does not have to define you. With time and effort, you can overcome shame and live a happy and fulfilling life.
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
Asha999
Posts: 55
Joined: Sat Mar 11, 2023 4:52 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Shame

Post by Asha999 »

I’ve had a lot of thoughts about shame and it’s role in the underlying reasons why limerence was triggered (issues with feeling unconditional love from parents here also along with a lot of judgement and shaming of me as a person when I was young for no real reason) but also around the LE event itself because LO is a totally inappropriate object of affection and likely not to have feelings for me and I am misinterpreting her actions or words. Then there’s the shame of being limerent. So yeah, limerence has a lot of shame.

Shame is such an effective and potentially lethal weapon. A lot of us grew up with Shame or guilt being part of our Christian religious upbringing. Even if you don’t buy into it become agnostic, that stuff sticks right you (for example I’ve always believed in LGBT equality but questioning my own experience has a lot of shame associated because it’s like a reflex and I’ve heard so many people speak horribly about it that I am aware they would shame me even if I didn’t have my own hang ups.

One thing that bothers me so much lately is how fashionable it is to shame people for just about any reason. On the extremes of the political spectrum in the USA that is the primary discourse, people should be ashamed of their identity, for their immigration status, for being black, for being white, for being uneducated, for having privilege, for being fat, for trying to not be fat… like it never ends. There is always someone to shame you for some part of who you are. No wonder people have anxiety and depression. The only solution I have been finding is to really narrow the lens of people and opinions that I allow to matter in the face of a lot of stupid shaming (I have a great deal of exposure to people who are extreme right and left in my orbit). Which is sad because I care about many fewer issues and perspectives than I did just a few years ago. But I feel better for it because now I don’t hear about how I’m not enough xyz for some individual or group or them shaming another group I have empathy for. Going lone wolf is an effective response to shame… to a point… it also leaves unmet need for connection.
Asha999
Posts: 55
Joined: Sat Mar 11, 2023 4:52 am
Gender:
United States of America

Re: Shame

Post by Asha999 »

One follow note… a few months back I was suffering in a sea of shame. Shame that I had feelings for LO, shame that I went limerent, shame at all I had shared with a therapist and what they information would do to me and my family if she broke by confidence…

Sharing the story here and with others did take away Si much of the shame and its power. A handful of people had the exact right thing to say. Shame thrives in secrecy is my take… it’s like a cancer growing on itself and you have to get it out.
David
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Great Britain

Re: Shame

Post by David »

Thxs for the honest share. Your experience matches a lot of my own around shame. Religion, sexuality, body image, money, education, class, all come to mind. Learning to claim my space has helped. Accessing my grief has been cathartic. Finding safe spaces to do this has been important
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Shame

Post by L-F »

In short, never had deep-seated shame so can't relate
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
David
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Age: 64
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Re: Shame

Post by David »

not sure what book this came from - its a useful way of looking at what we do to cover our shame
shame 4 quadrants copy.jpg
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marko
Posts: 1802
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
United States of America

Re: Shame

Post by marko »

I see this as a big thing. I always see being LE as an escape from the "monster". Returning to LE makes me feel a lot of shame and there is the roller coaster of cover up, shame on and on. I will pick this apart more. I verbalize more sadness, but this easily could be me skipping quickly over shame to try and wash this with remorse. Making it go away is where this all begins. What the "it" is, is complex, but one can never over look how powerful something like shame is. I can't face myself--shame. I can't face by wife--shame. I can't get better. Who'd understand not facing this--shame. Does guilt manifest itself as shame, or is it just a different word? Doesn't matter I suppose. I let everyone down. What happened at just the right time to make that destructive self talk useful for myself? Hate to quote Johny Cash, but pain seems like the only real thing. I can't trust positive. I send it out to everyone, but it only matters that the LO doesn't reject it. I see a coping method in this as any non rejection makes me feel whole. It's a non sustainable void and then more shame. You double down on your efforts and so does the failure and shame.
The thrill seaking sure releases some pleasurable chemicals for me. My addiction is right there and mixes up with why I return. It feels good to do so, but is not sustainable. Then the "my God you pathetic creature" releases the shame.
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