Jupiter Taco, how you been? Maybe my last installment on this thread about this specific LO. She was pretty happy to see me most days to tell me about her crushes. I tried to be the listening ear and occasionally was terrified I might be one of them. I thought I'd play dumb and it would pass as these things do. My only stories back to her were ones of my failed crushes and how bad they can hurt. I know her crushes and think "she doesn't have a chance". I encouraged her to keep her options many and stay positive and give it time.
I had a shoulder tendon repair 6 weeks ago. Sleep is about 2-3 hours a night for 5 weeks. I was already overthinking her too much, and being up all night gave me nothing else to think about. The light came on when my metabolism went through the roof. Heart beating, weight loss, and I couldn't say a coherent sentance to her. Oh, shit. Those eyes and possitve interactions with someone you may think is accepting of you are a drug to me. Again, I think it can only happen when that individual reminds me of myself. I love this part of LE, but also think how needy I am. I also used the adrenaline I get to get me to work and stay awake at work. I'd go mentally ill to see her finger wave, and say "Hi Marky, I saw George (her #1 crush) 3 times today". I wanted her to like me a bit too, but she is more of a catalyst, as opposed to someone I want. I spin over all the years, the LO's my life etc. The bad crushes, her thoughts sooth. Damn I'm in it again. I love the sad songs as I extract all the pain again. My failures, etc. I see how a lifetime of this gives meaning to parts of me. I do like romance and sad songs in this. She is just peripheral. I see me. Not so good looking, pining for the right person. I want to tell her to be true to herself and someone will see those eyes a fall madly in love with her for who she is, but I can't. I can't even hint at it. I want her to know she is fine. This I what I ruminate now. I want to be in her world to assure her she will be fine. She has cut once. I want to save her from that. Did I accidentaly show too much and she sees me a creepy? I don't care if she likes me, I want her to like herself.
Read on for last day 6th grade me. Puppy dog me all sad and everything, same mental games. She gave me the super cold shoulder (my le mind spinning if she detected I was prying in her world to much, seeming like a desperate old man pervert). Day before she was super sad stating "I want a boyfriend for summer" so I know she's depressed. My rescue help me can only listen. Projections or clear thought, I hate I ruminate it all. I fear she may hurt herself or one day choose the worst guy. Now the, "I hope she contacts me this summer as I thought we were kind of friends" thoughts creep in. I want to feel it was real and I'm an ear she can bend for help. I hope I helped a bit, but it's all so silly I'd be the go to guy. That strong snub, bothers me, but also what I prayed for as I can't keep up all these silly notions all summer. The notion that she accepts me can ruin many a day as it slides into the failure pit I expressed in post one. I said a mental goodbye, made sure I took all the turns to avoid her and last turn at the last moment ran into her. I'm super aware how absolutely stupid this seems that I'd wrap any meaning into not being rejected by this girl. She waved, sadness left. Now I keep it alive again--just a bit. Worry how next fall will go. That strange passing in the hall. Does she think I'm a creep? If I say hi, will she acknowledge. Am I still 15 in my mind lol, but really. Should I ask about her success with her "list". I just hope for a pleasant hi.
My 2017 LO worked with me at this school. I literally lost my mind. For her I played with leaving my wife and being with her. There are no thoughts like that or anything close. I've worked at this school for 17 years. One girl crushed on me for looking like Mark Walber
. See, love is blind and I had no thoughts about it. There are thousands, and then this one pops up in just the right way at the right time when our mental state is just right and kaboom.