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It's me, I'm back LE again.

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
marko
Posts: 1802
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
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Re: It's me, I'm back LE again.

Post by marko »

L-F wrote: Thu May 25, 2023 8:10 pm
David wrote: Thu May 25, 2023 11:26 am For me it wasn’t until I found the safety of a men’s community via the mankind project that I then started to be able to descend into and loosen my grief, mostly from my transgenerational trauma.
I wonder if it's because you were finally given permission from a patriarchal perspective/position. If men are typically told to 'hold it in' (to show they are stoic and man-like), then how does one get in touch with their grief? To do that one needs to feel and express emotions. Yes, I reckon the mankind group sends a positive message about masculinity.

I enjoy reading your posts Marko. Very insightful.

Oh, and the link was only for entertainment/information. I enjoy the short articles and paintings.
Holding in grief for men may not be all you think it is. Not saying "you" but that collective thought of how men handle grief. Here is Hollywood again painting what we need to do to be a man. Absolutely in front of others. Women don't help here as they can also see a weepy man as weak. I've been there as I've been quite a softy. Men are expressing sadness far better when you read a post "I watched that video as I was cutting onions"-crying. We still in front of each other, won't, but will now state--balled my head off after dad died.
The other part is the escape. Fighting, drinking, gambling etc., each it's own addiction possibilities and ugly behavior also glamourized by Hollywood. Mine is here. I bought into the sappy Hallmark macho crybaby or anything I think they'd love to read in the card. My mask is that of a chameleon. I'll wear a tougher one around the guys, but at school with the younger boys I state plainly it can be a sad world and nothing wrong with dealing with just that even through tears.
marko
Posts: 1802
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
United States of America

Re: It's me, I'm back LE again.

Post by marko »

Jupiter Taco, how you been? Maybe my last installment on this thread about this specific LO. She was pretty happy to see me most days to tell me about her crushes. I tried to be the listening ear and occasionally was terrified I might be one of them. I thought I'd play dumb and it would pass as these things do. My only stories back to her were ones of my failed crushes and how bad they can hurt. I know her crushes and think "she doesn't have a chance". I encouraged her to keep her options many and stay positive and give it time.

I had a shoulder tendon repair 6 weeks ago. Sleep is about 2-3 hours a night for 5 weeks. I was already overthinking her too much, and being up all night gave me nothing else to think about. The light came on when my metabolism went through the roof. Heart beating, weight loss, and I couldn't say a coherent sentance to her. Oh, shit. Those eyes and possitve interactions with someone you may think is accepting of you are a drug to me. Again, I think it can only happen when that individual reminds me of myself. I love this part of LE, but also think how needy I am. I also used the adrenaline I get to get me to work and stay awake at work. I'd go mentally ill to see her finger wave, and say "Hi Marky, I saw George (her #1 crush) 3 times today". I wanted her to like me a bit too, but she is more of a catalyst, as opposed to someone I want. I spin over all the years, the LO's my life etc. The bad crushes, her thoughts sooth. Damn I'm in it again. I love the sad songs as I extract all the pain again. My failures, etc. I see how a lifetime of this gives meaning to parts of me. I do like romance and sad songs in this. She is just peripheral. I see me. Not so good looking, pining for the right person. I want to tell her to be true to herself and someone will see those eyes a fall madly in love with her for who she is, but I can't. I can't even hint at it. I want her to know she is fine. This I what I ruminate now. I want to be in her world to assure her she will be fine. She has cut once. I want to save her from that. Did I accidentaly show too much and she sees me a creepy? I don't care if she likes me, I want her to like herself.

Read on for last day 6th grade me. Puppy dog me all sad and everything, same mental games. She gave me the super cold shoulder (my le mind spinning if she detected I was prying in her world to much, seeming like a desperate old man pervert). Day before she was super sad stating "I want a boyfriend for summer" so I know she's depressed. My rescue help me can only listen. Projections or clear thought, I hate I ruminate it all. I fear she may hurt herself or one day choose the worst guy. Now the, "I hope she contacts me this summer as I thought we were kind of friends" thoughts creep in. I want to feel it was real and I'm an ear she can bend for help. I hope I helped a bit, but it's all so silly I'd be the go to guy. That strong snub, bothers me, but also what I prayed for as I can't keep up all these silly notions all summer. The notion that she accepts me can ruin many a day as it slides into the failure pit I expressed in post one. I said a mental goodbye, made sure I took all the turns to avoid her and last turn at the last moment ran into her. I'm super aware how absolutely stupid this seems that I'd wrap any meaning into not being rejected by this girl. She waved, sadness left. Now I keep it alive again--just a bit. Worry how next fall will go. That strange passing in the hall. Does she think I'm a creep? If I say hi, will she acknowledge. Am I still 15 in my mind lol, but really. Should I ask about her success with her "list". I just hope for a pleasant hi.

My 2017 LO worked with me at this school. I literally lost my mind. For her I played with leaving my wife and being with her. There are no thoughts like that or anything close. I've worked at this school for 17 years. One girl crushed on me for looking like Mark Walber :D . See, love is blind and I had no thoughts about it. There are thousands, and then this one pops up in just the right way at the right time when our mental state is just right and kaboom.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: It's me, I'm back LE again.

Post by L-F »

Hmmm... :-?
Marko, don't make me go all L-Feee on you, lol

Very poetic, yet with dashes of red flags here 'n there

You say you can see you, you want to rescue her or is it that you wish you could rescue your inner child? You switch from her being you to her being her, and that's when I see signposts.
You also mention "My failures, etc. I see how a lifetime of this gives meaning to parts of me" and that you enjoy the soppy romantic side [of yourself?].

Have you considered rewriting your posts and making it all about you? She becomes 'I' yet not necessarily you become her. I'm worried you are looking at her to rescue you somehow - could be way off but that's my gut feeling. That somehow mixed in all of this, limerence is a remedial or soothing influence or agency, a salve. Perhaps a chance to expose your romantic side? Idk. Are you a romantic person in rl and show this side to your wife? If so, in what ways? Of course, no need to answer, perhaps potential food for reflection?

My gut is telling me that you are well aware of the parts of self kept hidden. That, and that I should say no more to allow you a thread to express yourself freely without the noise of the world. Perhaps that's it? Have you ever been given space to be yourself in your entirety?
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
marko
Posts: 1802
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
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Re: It's me, I'm back LE again.

Post by marko »

I think my point is that I and we here look for them as the rescue, and I clearly see I am really tring to rescue me. The other is also true in that I was hoping to spawn in her a better self image so she wouldn't be so desperate to finding a boyfriend. The downside is the bargain where you need to focus back on her as it is the salve, but starts the circle we know so well. I feel much different in many ways about this episode in this regard. The pattern and steps are the same, but #1 see me as the issue.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: It's me, I'm back LE again.

Post by L-F »

marko wrote: Wed May 31, 2023 12:56 am The other is also true in that I was hoping to spawn in her a better self image so she wouldn't be so desperate to finding a boyfriend.
Since you can clearly separate yourself from her or better yet, see your projections, what makes you think she needs rescuing? Can you see that failures, hurts and grief is what also gives us strength and makes one resilient? Wouldn't you want resiliency more for her than a fake world built on perfection and plain sailing?
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
marko
Posts: 1802
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
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Re: It's me, I'm back LE again.

Post by marko »

She's a student who is pretty down cast. When she started sitting by me and talking about these crushes she has and it seemed she could end up here if not careful. Or it reminded me so much of me I tried a bit to support her in how hard a crush can be. I think I also transferred the dad in me, as she also reminds me of a daughter I failed with. You weigh protecting peope to the need for them to experience as well. This girls pick of a crush isn't good--as he is a jock, and she is kind of goth to explain. Who am I to decide--well, LE can cloud everything and that super need for people to be well. They feel better, I feel better, it's what we do.

I told her a story I told her of my first real crush, and perhaps how my own journey began as it really opened an old wound. I went to camp in 8th grade. I was pretty sure I was a loser already. This girl really sparked something in me and for the first time I felt OK. When I got home I wrote some sad sappy "miss you" and not long after a reply letter arrived. To my horror, she wanted Todd Swanson's address as she thought he was the bomb. I laughed as I told this, hoping if her crushes fail, she'd also see things don't always go well. I saw, the Jocks as the people with money, tall and handsome, getting all the girls--also mostly true as boys aren't the only shallow sex B-) . I can't be sure if this was the "event" as I was pretty needy and had a very low self image. Somewhere in there, I know no one would love me and I'd always be alone. Looking back I see how I dated as I overthought everything and was super needy, clingy jealous yuck. Maybe my mind is "don't go after todd, go after someone like me". Someone has to like me, right?
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5666
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
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Re: It's me, I'm back LE again.

Post by JupiterTaco »

Hey Marko!
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
marko
Posts: 1802
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
United States of America

Re: It's me, I'm back LE again.

Post by marko »

JupiterTaco wrote: Sun Jun 04, 2023 3:55 amHey Marko!
Hey, how's the battle. I loose the last few days. This one is different in that I only play and replay past things. Silly future contact creeps in as you daydream. Real future contact leaves me projecting way too much. 2017 was more about finding love, acceptance and feeling wanted. This is only about acceptance and being important. I can't beleive so little can fill the thoughts in the same way. That futile stupid pervasive overthinking leading to meaninglessness. I see lament over aging a bigger role this time. It ends "we'll be together" thoughts, but I find myself doing stuff in my mind with her dad just to be around. WTF. Still damaged. I conjure I should call the the old LO, so it would push this away. Another thing that popped up in the last year was discovering my only friend is an extreme narc. I had to learn how to handle him as he too makes me feel like trash. I had no idea, I thought he had it all together. He was paralyzed a few years ago and that has really made him bad. Ladies found him so attractive--he'd kill their minds, me as nice guys always finish last.
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5666
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: It's me, I'm back LE again.

Post by JupiterTaco »

Yeah I've been reading catching up on your story here. I can relate. I have a former classmate on my mind that I haven't thought of for probably over 20 years. He came in explicably to my mind almost a month ago completely out of the blue appeared in my mind and looked like he was saying something but I didn't hear it.

The last time that happened with somebody I was being stalked by my former neighbor so it's not a question for me that telepathy exists in some form but im trying not to make assumptions about this situation.

I've seen what I consider signs around him and at this point the thought of him is a neural pathway in my brain so that really helps things LOL.

Initially I was really worried about this guy because last time this happened not too long ago with another former classmate who was on my mind out of the blue, I found out he was dead so I was a little gun shy at the idea of looking him up. But I did and he appears to be fine on Facebook.

I've decided not to reach out at this point I don't see what would be the point. I don't want him to see me in my present state I really don't want to deal with him in my present state so nevertheless it's just one of those things that I don't really understand.

I don't want this guy, I don't want to think of what a future would look like with him. I'd prefer he just stayed in the past but nevertheless I have these short-lived nudges to contact him online and wondering if he's going to end up contacting me. In between thinking of my other numerous problems. Trying to use this opportunity to see what I can remember about that school year which was awful and mostly blocked out. Oh well I take moments of peace where I can and hope the same for you.
"You know for a big black guy Cleveland's got a cute little white ass!" Peter, Family Guy
"Um...that wasn't Cleveland," Brian
marko
Posts: 1802
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
United States of America

Re: It's me, I'm back LE again.

Post by marko »

Look how much you spend tossing it around. Not pointing to you, but the LE mind does that. Almost like it's very subconcious and the brain is trying to get it to stick. You wrap just the right thought and it sticks, and you do it until it sticks. My pathway now is a pattern. I'm running and forming the same mental attachments regardless of who the LO really is. When I was thinking of her at what I thought was a pretty low level, as I do with many. I began to weigh her interaction and put "I put" more weight into the actions. It still wasn't pervasive or crush like etc, but I caught my metabolism and sweaty palms reacting to this pathway. I also found myself pausing and stuttering when I faced her. I couldn't turn to another student, and all my words flowed out--yikes. I thought I could catch it at that point as it's familiar. This IS where LE differs from anything else. This is the point that to the outsiders they can't understand. For a time my will against this is useless. I can tell myself how dumb, fruitless, waste of time on and on. Right now NC and all the other great ideas fail. I am not rational against it as the competing voices waver in both directions. The other strange thing is that when it turns all hopless and you are an emotional teary eyed wreck, the moment you interact with them you think--why and almost like you are fine. The moment they leave, it's mental game on.

Last week I did one thing that helped with my this LO. This helped as well with my 1983 LO, but really did for the 2017 version. I can't recomend it and can see in the wrong way it wouldn't have helped. I facebook searched all their family--this current LO has no profile. Seeing them in the real world, one I don't belong in nor fit in any way puts real consequences to when you think somehow you will be in their life. 2017 models clothes and I watched her face. It's not that appealing, but suddenly she does something with her eyes that brings me in. How one can take just that and blow ones head apart intrigues me. It didn't change my level, but I do see why she has something that captures me. I've only done that 2 times in 5+ years. I have this fear I they will check who's stalking them and will be found out. I can't be found out but I wish they knew. 8-}
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