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It's me, I'm back LE again.

A place for those new to this site. The more experienced users of this site tend to frequent the members only section more.
marko
Posts: 1802
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
United States of America

It's me, I'm back LE again.

Post by marko »

I first came here in 2017 after a coworker said I was a handsome man. I've lived an LE life and had no idea I had so much wrong with me. The life events that led me here were just a shovel long enough to get to where the pain was hidden. In simple terms, being able to distract and pretend my way through life led me to why most of you are here. The LO made me feel (made me create in my mind a feeling I craved more than crack cocaine) better than I have in 25+yrs. To make sense of how wonderful I felt I thought was I made my SO nearly trash and couldn't for a second see that in this cloud, you make up a spectacular story that could wash that wounded self away. All hiding sorrow and self hate. When that sorrow breaks in, that you just band-aided with a magnificent fantasy, it sends you further into the projection and self lies that keep you here. This news will either send you to denial or more sadness. I'm sorry for that as I find myself here again with a new LO.

After 2017 NC I got to a pretty good place. I remained non disclosure and married. When you realize you are the problem, it's a tough road--but if you really believe you can love someone you realize love only comes from you, not them no matter how much you dislike the SO. (minus abuse etc.) If you say mental abuse, you just might have caused the neglect as I did with my wife. Let's add at some point as a child I decided I would never be loved. Think about that--I decided. So you look for a feeling of love that needs constant reciprocation and if they can't provide that--they are the problem and needs to go. So every relationship reinforces that I can't be loved. That 45yr self talk is stuck. I have to fight a sadness so deep I drown in it from time to time. I feel sorry for those I've helped destroy by extracting what they can't give. Knowing all that helps, and slices at the same time. I know what I'm up to with distraction.

This part I hope helps others as I woke up with a pounding heart and sweaty palms and this new person popped into my mind. I'm like shit, how the hell did that happen--oh yah you started to think about her a lot and how you will help her and now you woke up the beast. Like a drunk or drug addict, I was well aware of the dangers of someone new. I won't linger long on the LO as she has very little to do with this round. Like the last one (she was older, somewhat possible, but seemed wounded) this one is a student who looked really sad. I'm 40 years older, and we both know that. I don't flirt nor extend any notions of any type of contact outside of school pleasantries. She is not attractive outside of those LE eyes. She has many crushes, decided to sit by me and tell me about these boys every day. I began to think about that. I began to remember how I was sure a crush would never love me. I found myself with sweaty palms and racing heart at times as I couldn't get her out of my head. I was back in high school with all the self loathing thinking that she must like me. It doesn't matter and it can't matter. But it does show how pathetic I am that non rejection of a high school kid can send me mentally ill. She also doesn't flirt one little bit, but just a smile to us is narcotic enough to crave another. I've had more sadness lately and can see how rehearse and pretend to get a shot. I recognize that now and have to crush it with the sadness. The roller coaster is easier and there are no ride off into the sunset together dreams. I do crave acceptance so bad that I just want to know she'd always smile and say hi. It will remain until I bury that. Thursday is last day and NC. I'm sad as hell over that--but it's not her, it's that I can no longer "rescue" her. She is me, and I want to be sad and lonely--she is only a visible outlet for what I want for me. Trust me, you do this too. I wash the sadness a bit by pretending she'd call me and tell me her heart is broken and I'd tell her she's fine. Then I gross myself out for this loop of self healing though another. Like 2017, LE felt so 6th grade--do you like me? If someone likes me I'm likable. This will pass with some sadness as I kiss my years of rejection goodbye again. This is easy compared to 2017, but just be aware that things can linger and resurface. Last night I was fine and then realized posting here gave me some feel good. Now I'm in self loathing mode and no one can hate me more than me. Even part of that is blanket all too comforting as I fullfill my best expectations. If you met me you'd never know. I'm happy faced and easy to talk to emphatic--be careful though, if I think you think I'm ok and you have ocean eyes, i might loose some sleep. Be kind I know i'm the problem
David
Site Admin
Posts: 3859
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
Location: London UK
Gender:
Age: 64
Great Britain

Re: It's me, I'm back LE again.

Post by David »

Sorry to see you back Marko

Have you considered going on a mankind weekend?
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: It's me, I'm back LE again.

Post by L-F »

Ha! I was going to say the same, David.
Reading your post Marko, I can see trapped feminine energy which I feel, correct me if I'm wrong David, a mankind-type program will help you get in touch with.

I believe half of men's trouble stems from an imbalance because "it's not manly to be in touch with one's emotions" (or the like). I know what I've shared has got nothing to do with LE but then, you know what's there to know. The healing is in the doing, not always the knowing. However, some people only need to know (become more self-aware) to heal while others need to do [the healing].

A mankind program might just be the ticket to connect to other men and share vulnerabilities to cement that much-needed connection to other men with balanced energy and the ability to express themselves without fear of repercussions.

Marko, you have the verbal skills to express feminine energy, but I question whether you experienced healthy masculinity growing up. Sometimes it's not always about our mothers, but about the lack of heathy relationships we had with the men in our lives.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
David
Site Admin
Posts: 3859
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
Location: London UK
Gender:
Age: 64
Great Britain

Re: It's me, I'm back LE again.

Post by David »

L-F wrote: Wed May 24, 2023 1:25 am.

A mankind program might just be the ticket to connect to other men and share vulnerabilities to cement that much-needed connection to other men with balanced energy and the ability to express themselves without fear of repercussions.
Spot in, thats whats the MKP weekend is all about, creating safe spaces for men to connect with honesty and heal
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
marko
Posts: 1802
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
United States of America

Re: It's me, I'm back LE again.

Post by marko »

You past limerents alway have the easy answer :D , I did a month ago as well. NC, stop ruminating, projecting and get over the past wound. It is that simple. I can get lost in every get well program as it becomes just another cure. You would never know I have this. I'm super masculine, and now because of LE can express all my pain. My empathy from the past wounds make me great in my job and better than my coworkers who fling out flippant cures. They love me here because I'm so in touch with wounding. I guess I also like parts of this sadness because of that and posted here again to warn the new how devastating this is and how it can sneak up on you. I'll still check it out.

LF-- You don't remember, but those words above seriously were the best help here. I was playing with the glowing parts of LE and you slapped me a bit. It hurt then, but it's so true. Comming here is also a sneaky LE crutch that reminds you of why one is here and the past needs to go. I'll be fine again armed with a new respect for that happy voice that begs to take a drink
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: It's me, I'm back LE again.

Post by L-F »

Marko, I highly recommend a public FB group called Analytical Psychology: Theory and Practice.
You might find words of comfort there along with some insightful posts, poetry, and paintings. I know you hold all of your own answers, you're an intelligent man with a lot of experience and limerence wisdom, so there's nothing I can talk about that you haven't already heard or felt. It's good that you are coming here to share with newbies that limerence can sneak up on you. You are right. I know Im not immune to it, and I don't know if there is such a thing as being 'fixed' either.
Blessings to you Marko. Go well.

https://m.facebook.com/groups/309050616982953/
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
David
Site Admin
Posts: 3859
Joined: Wed Feb 19, 2014 8:22 pm
Location: London UK
Gender:
Age: 64
Great Britain

Re: It's me, I'm back LE again.

Post by David »

L-F wrote: Wed May 24, 2023 11:13 pm I know you hold all of your own answers, you're an intelligent man with a lot of experience and limerence wisdom, so there's nothing I can talk about that you haven't already heard or felt. It's good that you are coming here to share with newbies that limerence can sneak up on you. You are right. I know Im not immune to it, and I don't know if there is such a thing as being 'fixed' either.
Blessings to you Marko. Go well.

https://m.facebook.com/groups/309050616982953/
I spent decades hiding behind my honed intellect as a psychological defence. In terms of Jungian archetypes, this is The realm of the Magician. Even with therapy and group therapy, I could still not touch the real deep embedded parts of my grief. For me it wasn’t until I found the safety of a men’s community via the mankind project that I then started to be able to descend into and loosen my grief, mostly from my transgenerational trauma.

I believe we each will find our own way into touching our grief when we are ready. For many people, it may not be in this lifetime.
Purchase the 24 part video series on overcoming limerence - see https://limerence.thinkific.com/courses/healing-limerence
marko
Posts: 1802
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
United States of America

Re: It's me, I'm back LE again.

Post by marko »

So the NC has begun. It was a nice last day as she ignored me. It's so silly that I want to hear how she's doing. You grab at this for the same reasons--normally this is the I hope we remain friends mental rescue to keep it going. I suppose I'm typing here as an attempt to keep it going. It really feels like an attachment to an idea that you don't want to let die. As I mentally said goodbye, I keep fending off the sadness. I remember goodbyes like this when young. I still want to rescue her from her sadness. I shake my head at how preposterous it is that I want to be an admired person in her life. The sorrow isn't wrapped in her at all, there is nothing to loose in that regard. It's more like a sorrow trigger and then I think of when my dad died and how lonely I was as a kid. She will return as a student, and I'll think about that. By fall this will be ridiculous to me . 2017 LO picture is still on the hallway wall and I never look. As opposed to now, she was closter to being a possibility and I let go. I just couldn't imagine this would happen again with such minimal interaction with no reciprocation. Sorry to ramble, no one else would consider any of this as anything more than the dumbest thing they ever heard.
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: It's me, I'm back LE again.

Post by L-F »

David wrote: Thu May 25, 2023 11:26 am For me it wasn’t until I found the safety of a men’s community via the mankind project that I then started to be able to descend into and loosen my grief, mostly from my transgenerational trauma.
I wonder if it's because you were finally given permission from a patriarchal perspective/position. If men are typically told to 'hold it in' (to show they are stoic and man-like), then how does one get in touch with their grief? To do that one needs to feel and express emotions. Yes, I reckon the mankind group sends a positive message about masculinity.

I enjoy reading your posts Marko. Very insightful.

Oh, and the link was only for entertainment/information. I enjoy the short articles and paintings.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5664
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: It's me, I'm back LE again.

Post by JupiterTaco »

Threads like this with the information they have is the reason I love this forum.
"Men are fooled so easily. Women wrelike spiders. They'll pull you into their webs and...wrap you up so tight you can hardly breathe," Griselda Blanco, Cocaine Godmother
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