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Long distance affair - Escalating - Lost!

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Jack789
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Jun 02, 2023 3:51 pm
Gender:
United States of America

Long distance affair - Escalating - Lost!

Post by Jack789 »

I have been married for 25 years. We also work together and kids are grown and gone. We are really more like roommates having sex on average 4 times a year and no romance or intimacy in years.

I travel to a country that is on the other side of the world twice a year for work. I am usually there for 3 weeks at a time.

About 4 years ago i met someone innocently enough, we started texting occasionally. in late 2019, on the last trip over, just before the pandemic locked everything down (especially her country). Things turned romantic on that trip. Then the lockdowns came (especially for her). We have talked at least once a week, sometimes twice throughout the last 2 or 3 years. I was finally able to return in April 2023 for 3 weeks. We were inseparable. It was the best 3 weeks of my life. The sex was amazing and so was just spending time together. Because of my situation at home, i did not feel guilty in 2019 and i don't feel guilty now.

We were both upset when i had to leave her country. She knows i am married, and she knows i am unhappy at home being the type of relationship i have with my wife. In her culture, a business man having a mistress is not anything that unusual. She does not seem put off by the fact i am currently married.

Since i have left, we talk everyday. sometimes for hours when i can get away to do so. I have been very depressed (unless i am talking to her) and have seriously contemplated leaving my wife lately even though i know it would be financially devastating. We have built a very comfortable life.

I was full bent on leaving and too the point i was ready to head to the airport at any moment. I have never felt so screwed up in my life.

I couldn't concentrate on anything but how i can get back to my girlfriend. Looking online for answers, I found the word "limerence". It spun me for a 360. This is exactly how i am feeling!

But wait, she also wants for us to be together. she is begging for me to come back. she wants me to move there (does not want to come to the USA). If we feel the same way, talk for hours, both want to be together, is this really limerence?

It would be extremely difficult for me to actually move there and she does not want to come here, but is reluctantly willing too (recent development). I know that would not work as she would not be happy here as the culture is too different. I am smart enough to see that this would be extremely difficult to make work, but I can't just give up. I can't just walk away. I would ultimately have to move there for this to work out.

So again, have i found my soulmate or am i just suffering from limerence?

And what the hell am i supposed to do at home? I have gone from just living with a roommate for a wife without any real problems (other than lack of intimacy) to actually being unhappy about my home situation now.

So do i wreck a marriage over something that in all probability can't work out?

No way i can tell the new love of my life bye. I can't just give up on that either. I could possibly go to her country more often.
seeing her occasionally is far better than not at all.

If things between me and my foreign friend did not work out, would i ever be happy at home again? has this ruined my marriage either way (other than the fact after 25 years i have cheated)? is my unhappiness from limerence?

Completely lost!
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Long distance affair - Escalating - Lost!

Post by L-F »

Welcome to the forum Jack. I don't have any answers for you. I do believe there are affair recovery forums that might be of value? Of course im sure you'll gain insight here too because there is a wealth of knowledge and experience.

A question for you, financial situation with divorce vs girlfriend, which is more important and why?

Again welcome.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
marko
Posts: 1802
Joined: Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:20 pm
United States of America

Re: Long distance affair - Escalating - Lost!

Post by marko »

Welcome and LE certainly can make them feel like a soulmate. Also sounds like lots of guilt. You still may not have this, as I'd imagine everything is a bit overwhelming right now. Would calling yourself a limerent do anything for you? I'd seek someone professional to sort out what may be nothing more than an affair.
JupiterTaco
Posts: 5664
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:12 pm
United States of America

Re: Long distance affair - Escalating - Lost!

Post by JupiterTaco »

Limerence can most definitely be mutual, it just seems like it's mostly not, or the feelings from LO aren't as strong as with the LS, the LS just has reason to think so. It sounds like you both have talked seriously about starting over together. I guess some questions I have might be, and you don't have to answer them here, just maybe think about them for yourself; what are the big obstacles to intimacy in your marriage, how long has it been going on, and were you and your partner once compatible? Is there any way to change things? What is LO's relationship history and life situation?

Otherwise just getting to know LO outside of the affair is certainly something that can wake a person up. Because really for a lot of people limerence stems from a need to escape something. If not their marriage then surely something else. Just putting that out there. However I do think it sometimes happens that one can get stuck on somebody who reminds them that they do deserve and should look for better, even if LO turns out not to be it. It's just not the best idea to pin those hopes on someone who hasn't been around in the day-to-day stresses and long-haul otherwise it could happen that the pattern could continue in a new relationship.
"Men are fooled so easily. Women wrelike spiders. They'll pull you into their webs and...wrap you up so tight you can hardly breathe," Griselda Blanco, Cocaine Godmother
L-F
Posts: 4500
Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:55 am
United States of America

Re: Long distance affair - Escalating - Lost!

Post by L-F »

JupiterTaco wrote: Sat Jun 03, 2023 1:55 am It's just not the best idea to pin those hopes on someone who hasn't been around in the day-to-day stresses and long-haul otherwise it could happen that the pattern could continue in a new relationship.
This.
Repeating old patterns of behavior. Believe it or not, one day LO will become boring in bed too. Just think back to what it was like in the early days of your marriage.
That's why I don't understand affairs. It all falls to custard in the end.
"And in the end, we were all just humans…Drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
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