Devastating limerence

[yoguisan]

Hello Yoguisan
I have a question. Did your SO's idea of ​​having children appear before or after starting LE?

Hey Significant Other, hope you're doing well.

We always discussed the idea about having kids, I wanted it but had doubts, specially if I would be able to handle being a father, but in the latest two or so years our families have been pressuring us on this, and in turn she has been pressuring me; when the LE started however it led me to question everything in my life, including my relationship and if I really ever wanted to have children. Though I'm a bit more stabilized now I still have lots of questions about what I really want, I'm really trying not to let it affect my marriage.

By the way, since I found out my LO is married I've proposed that we be friends, to which she agreed; I believe this is to fulfill my need for her a bit in a less questionable way, but if this makes me feel better, so be it. I've been making lots of bad decisions since it all began, and I think this was one of the least worse ones.

I'm currently in what I call a state of "comfortable sadness"; I feel constantly down, but not to the point where it becomes overwhelming, and I can occasionally forget about LO for a few minutes and have some fun. It's pretty much how I lived my whole life, now that I think of it. Being somewhat accepted by her, even if as a friend, might be helping me

More than "...something that makes me feel better..." it is an unconscious way of running away, of sticking to something impossible.
...to escape from the decisions you have to take, how: To be a father!
What is it that really paralyzes you?
Belive in yourself.

My therapist always says that what I'm doing is a way to sabotage myself and to evade the responsibilities; while I do agree with her, I don't understand why my head decided that feeling like shit is better than embracing the path I was taking and being happy that way. That's why I question myself occasionally if it was indeed the right decision; I'm afraid of hurting my wife's feelings. Sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't be doing her a favor by leaving her and letting her be happy with someone who's not a complete screw up like me. Or maybe that's just my way of trying to justify it, at this point I'm not sure.

About what paralyzes me, I guess it's the huge responsibility of raising a life, and doing it right. My biggest issue is my self esteem and trust, I often believe I'm stupid and useless. I was getting over it at some point, but a few things happened that brought this feeling back, such as me getting fired last year

[yoguisan]

Well, I decided to open up and let my wife know what's been going on with me, and...she's been incredibly supportive. She gave me advice, thanked me for sharing this with her, and asked me not to carry my burdens alone. I'm happy that I no longer have to hide this from her, but at the same time I feel very guilty for making her go through this, she doesn't deserve it. We are however willing to fight to the end for our marriage; I hope I don't screw up everything. I don't really care if I get hurt anymore, but I won't forgive myself if I hurt her

[L-F]

Awesome stuff!

[Significant other]

Phenomenal. I think you acted correctly. Good luck!

[yoguisan]

Well, it's been almost a year now (over a year if I count the events that led me to start spiraling down, before the proverbial shit actually hit the fan), I thought I might give you guys an update. I'm still alive, as you can see, and I've been trying to fight this every single day. But I've been failing.

The last few months have been a cyclone inside my head. I live my days split between making plans and trying to take care of myself, and imagining my LO's life with her husband. I like to imagine that's kind of romantic, when I am standing on the street late at night, staring at the sky and thinking about her. Or maybe it isn't.

I have been trying everything I can; I have switched and increased medication dosages at least five times in the last months, still am going to therapy, have began working out, and been trying to focus on me and my wife. Sometimes it works. I have happy moments where I can just enjoy the day. But all it takes is one moment when her smile passes by my mind to drag me back to these thiughts.

I can't say I'm happy now. But I've definitely improved. This situation became survivable. I'm almost used to the idea she will always be a ghost staring at me from inside the mirror, that I will have to live with this thorn in my heart. I just hope it continues to be what I mentioned: survivable.

[marko]

I didn't read all your posts. Decades of this myself. 2017 blew my mind and life apart with a similar experience to yours. 2 recent ones uncovered enough to figure out why I'm here. It took 6 years and still really in the middle of this last one. My other posts have the details, but a lifetime of escape from my self loathing is why I do this. It may sound flippant, and it is devastating. I don't know your therapy or drugs and hate to give advice as I'm an avoidant who dissmisses most. I do question drugs when I read that they aren't doing much. No drug for me will change who I really am unless I willingly change me. I don't want drugs to blur any of these things as it seems like hiding from that real thing that causes us to escape through limerence. I have to deal with the voice I created that tells me I'm the worst person ever.
I just type this as it's taken 40+ years to figure that out that this is how I escape that so numbing the voice doesn't make it go away. I'm sorry if this offends you, just think about alternative answers. We are really in the same boat as I often contemplate other types of help. Only the idea I can try and re-write my inner script gives me hope. The thought that I've done so much harm to those around me feed the voice, and makes me very susceptible to continuing. I type these things in empathy that one small part might help. These little pieces from those hear have helped me--but as you, the LE goes on. Take care in this battle.