Anyone else's obsession start because their LO showed interest first?

[L-F]

So then, you can see where things are a little fuzzy and see what you're projecting. Which makes what he has done a mute topic. Again, not saying it to be mean, we all do it (project), and when people stop to think about that, they can see that limerence is one-sided, fully, and regardless if two people are limerent for each other. Meaning, that your LE is yours, and if he was limerent for you, then his projections would be his.

There really isn't mutual limerence, only lust for an object we've projected onto (and vice versa if both people in the relationship are limerent), thus limerence is the sole responsibility of the limerent.

[Caitlyn]

Still, I wish he never showed an interest and then distanced himself when I only tried to hang out with him a bit more. That made me feel rejected. I have my issues but then so does he, being an avoidant.

[JupiterTaco]

Still, I wish he never showed an interest and then distanced himself when I only tried to hang out with him a bit more. That made me feel rejected. I have my issues but then so does he, being an avoidant.

I understand that. But literally there's nothing you can do about that. Wait I take that back you can certainly set someone straight if they cross the line with you. It's up to you to decide what is crossing the line and what isn't and limerence can certainly skew that perception. At the meetings at Codependent Anonymous for example they'll tell you that you can only control yourself and not others. Which is true and once you realize that you can not only stop taking things so personally but really focus on yourself because yourself is what deserves your attention.

[L-F]

Still, I wish he never showed an interest and then distanced himself when I only tried to hang out with him a bit more. That made me feel rejected. I have my issues but then so does he, being an avoidant.

The thing is, he's allowed to be a person with an avoidant personality. He earnt that and if it serves him well, good on him. It's his protection mechanism in place and he has every right to protect his heart & mind. It's not a bad thing, again, if it serves him. It's only a bad thing if it brings him emotional pain. All it does (the avoidant personality), is show you who he is and if you can't love him unconditionally (aka want to change him), then don't even try to be his friend. Don't try to rescue him too because it will backfire, if he's not pained by his personality.
Basically, it would be like someone trying to shut me up, then I'd probably go in even louder and harder. Instead, like JT mentioned, look after your own triggers with loving kindness. I see your pain and rejection is difficult to deal with. Remember, he didn't reject you, he protected himself.

But I completely see and hear you. It bloody hurts when we perceive rejection.

[Caitlyn]

I don't have much experience with avoidant people so I don't know how to behave with them. I assume I should continue with what I'm doing now? avoiding the pub he works in and not sending him any messages. (Not that I sent many before) I'll see if he comes to me eventually. I highly doubt he will reach out anytime soon but if he does, I'll know he actually cares and wants to continue the friendship.

[L-F]

I don't have much experience with avoidant people so I don't know how to behave with them.

To be honest, I don't know either. I did find this article helpful. Check out number 11 - try not to take rejection personally.

https://psychcentral.com/relationships/ ... nt-partner

It's up to you whether this particular relationship is worth the trouble.

On a personal note, I've chosen to be friends with someone who is bipolar. It's not easy, very testing, and at times, downright frustrating to the point I want to scream! Talk about passive aggressive and it doesn't matter what I say in a conversation, they will always opt for the opposite view. I say something is black and they will say it's white, if I say the same thing is white, they will say it's black. I've tested this theory many times and have concluded they will always, always, take the opposite viewpoint.

But that's the relationship. I decide if I want to stick around and given many people bail, I choose to ignore many things that would make someone run in the opposite direction.
However, for me, the good parts of the relationship are worth it. I just have to protect my time and energy when around them.

So. It's up to you if you want to figure him out.

Everyone, regardless of label, deserves to be loved for being who they are from people who accept them for who they are without trying to change them. (Note: I'm not including psychopaths and sociopaths).

[JupiterTaco]

That's a good way of looking at it; that the person is protecting themselves. I think people take it so personally when there's rejection they don't think that really there could be so many reasons why that have nothing to do with them themselves that somebody rejects you.

[L-F]

What I see (apologies for being blunt here), is a person who is grieving a lost opportunity. Since you are in an open marriage, figure out what your needs are because there are plenty of men who would love to fulfill those needs (especially if there are no strings attached). For example, do you want to connect with someone physically, emotionally, spiritually, psychosocially, intellectually, etc? What is it you are missing in your marriage that you are seeking?

This doesn't relate to you, I often see people asking for advice on the internet about whether they should stay or leave their relationship.
I believe we should strive to live the life that we wish for our children because, at the end of the day, we are always their role models. Thus, if a parent doesn't want their child to be in an abusive relationship, then don't stay in one.

I'm sure you won't have any issues connecting with other men if this is what you want.

[Caitlyn]

There is one other guy I've had a mild crush on, but he has a fiancé (though he doesn't seem happy with her) so that's unrealistic too. I'm comfortable with the crush though because it's nothing like the limerence with the neighbour, which just feels horrible and obsessive.

That sounds tough being friends with that person who is bi polar and them always having the opposite view. I've known a few like that.

Thank you for the link to the article. I found it helpful especially point 11. I wonder if I'm cut out to be friends with an avoidant because I'm quite an anxious person. I keep wondering if I would always have to considerate of only his feelings and that my own wouldn't matter to him. That it would be all about him and there would be no compromise. I absolutely can give him space and care from a distance but I can only really be friends if I know he cares about the friendship too. Time will tell, I guess?

[L-F]

I don't blame you for questioning if you could be friends with him. You are right, it could be a one-sided friendship. Something I couldn't deal with either.

But friendship aside, we are talking about an object here (not a person) when it comes to limerence. So there's that. I would focus on healing from limerence before attempting to be friends and the reason for that is, limerence alters our perception of them. This means that it's possible to be open to, and accepting of abuse that no one should tolerate, such as being disrespected, stood up, ignored, used, etc.

This is where practicing healthy boundaries is vital.

Keep us posted if you do meet up, and wishing you the best!