Limerance dulling my love for partner

[acyice100]

I believe I have limerence for a best friend. But I also love my partner and don’t want to break up, we’ve been together for 7 years. He is a wonderful man and I know we are so much better suited realistically than me & LO. I love him and we have a healthy, fun & loving relationship. There are traits that my LO has and that I have that I think would ultimately clash and not work out, once any honeymoon bubble has burst.

I have an amazing connection with LO and I actually think we both feel deep love for each other, I mean deeper than platonic - I’m pretty sure I’m not being delusional. I’m usually good at reading people and I think from her side it’s obvious too, without her directly saying it. We’re very verbally affectionate as I am with my other close friends, but this friend feels different. I believe it is limerence as my thoughts about them seem excessive compared to other friendships who I love - I fantastise about being physical with them and they cross my mind throughout the day. I have physical signs of arousal after just being sat watching a movie with them, something that doesn't happen with my partner anymore, unless we're trying (which is seldom these days). But I love them as a best friend and did prior to the limerence, and don’t want to let that friendship go, it’s very special to me. Since these feelings came to fruition 3 years I haven’t cheated on my partner or let anything come out. Finding out about and understanding what limerence was has helped with keeping it all in check, and of course I have had many thoughts about my ethics on the situation and what to do. It hurts incredibly sometimes but having this friendship as part of my life is the price I am choosing to pay for the alleviated hurt that arises when normal friendship issues occur, because we have such a great time together and both leave feeling very loved & energised. She enhances my life, and I have a very deep connection with my 3 closest friends. I have other friendships which are fun, but they don't nourish me like my best friendships do.

I’m going through a really tough time in my family life right now, with two recent deaths of close family members. In fact I think I’m very close to slipping into a depression. My LO also experienced a death recently so we’ve been spending more time together helping each other through this tough period. It’s true what they say about LO feeling like a drug… but everything is so bleak & difficult right now I’m clutching at all this time we’re spending together. My partner is loving and comforting, but I don’t get the same euphoric high I get from hanging out with my best friend. I’m trying to keep myself in check and tell myself it’s the limerence, but I can’t help but feel sometimes that I would be happier with LO when my partner’s love in comparison feels not dull, but duller. I crave the high from this friend, it’s helping me get through a really dark time in my life. Is it normal for LO love to make you overlook how you feel about your partner? Or am I just settling for a stable partner when this other kind of euphoric love exists? I think I already know the answer to this but still need someone to make me see sense. Thank you for reading and I'd really appreciate any help or advice.

[JupiterTaco]

It sounds like you have a good reality of what's going on and what could happen if you left your partner. There's nothing wrong with being attracted to someone else but maybe is there any way you can seek more support from your partner and other friends about the deaths you've experienced? Oh and feel free to talk about those things here a lot of us have been through that I've definitely been through that most of my family passed away within a 10-year period it was creepy actually. The death of my grandmother definitely contributed to the fallout of my fifth limerence episode which prompted me to sign up on this site.

[L-F]

Does euphoric love exist? Only short term. Many have had affairs with their LO or married them but few stay together imo.

Why?

Because people fall for the limerence is love narrative. Love is hard work. It's staying with someone when things aren't rosy (cancer, car accidents, etc). Love endures all that ugly stuff. Limerence fades and then the relationship gets tossed out the window and the person is replaced with another LO.

Don't be dazzled by something you can't retain. It's an illusion designed to fool you and from a spiritual aspect (imo), a test of true character.

[L-F]

From my perspective, people who marry their LOs are fickle and fake, never really committing for the long haul. If anyone reading this is chasing that high, don't get married.

[L-F]

But don't let my babble put you off exploring your sexuality if you haven't already. I have no idea where you are at with this.

On the other hand, I completely understand the madness limerence brings. What I'd like all SOs to understand is that the limerent self (LS) is PAINED by it. Limerence isn't a cop out for being all loved up, in fact, it's usually the opposite! Otherwise we wouldn't be here, we'd be off enjoying our lives and LOs.

But, none of this is about you Acyice, im talking in general.

Welcome to the forum!

[acyice100]

It sounds like you have a good reality of what's going on and what could happen if you left your partner. There's nothing wrong with being attracted to someone else but maybe is there any way you can seek more support from your partner and other friends about the deaths you've experienced? Oh and feel free to talk about those things here a lot of us have been through that I've definitely been through that most of my family passed away within a 10-year period it was creepy actually. The death of my grandmother definitely contributed to the fallout of my fifth limerence episode which prompted me to sign up on this site.

Thank you for your reply. I don’t think my partner is able to handle the emotional toll this is all taking on me unfortunately. He tries, but is very busy and stressed in his work life at the moment and I don’t think he has the mental capacity to help me in the way that I need. I just want to have happy moments & fun, which is what LO is providing in abundance, where my partner is struggling to make the time. TW -


I was so low last week I self harmed, to which he seemed almost disgusted about. Of course that just added to the hurt I was already feeling. We’ve already established together that he doesn’t feel emotions as deeply as I do, and he just cannot understand the total desperation in needing a (I know unhealthy) physical outlet to get me out of my head when the emotional pain is too much.

I’m so sorry to hear about your situation with the death of your family members, that sounds incredibly traumatic. I hope the pain has eased for you somewhat now. I really appreciate you talking & sharing.

[acyice100]

Does euphoric love exist? Only short term. Many have had affairs with their LO or married them but few stay together imo.

Why?

Because people fall for the limerence is love narrative. Love is hard work. It's staying with someone when things aren't rosy (cancer, car accidents, etc). Love endures all that ugly stuff. Limerence fades and then the relationship gets tossed out the window and the person is replaced with another LO.

Don't be dazzled by something you can't retain. It's an illusion designed to fool you and from a spiritual aspect (imo), a test of true character.

I appreciate the brutal honesty, thank you. How about a situation where there is also genuine love for the LO and it is reciprocated? I assume she isn’t limerent for me also, but I’m fairly certain there is romantic love there on some level. I don’t know if this sort of relationship would send me crazy though, where one party (me) feels so strongly. It really messes with the mind a lot and I’m trying to be rational in making a decision, it’s just very difficult. Thank you for talking to me.

[acyice100]

From my perspective, people who marry their LOs are fickle and fake, never really committing for the long haul. If anyone reading this is chasing that high, don't get married.

I’m not sure if I agree, but then again I have a lot to learn about limerence and the way it really affects us and twists our perspective. Regardless, I appreciate your honest opinion.

[acyice100]

But don't let my babble put you off exploring your sexuality if you haven't already. I have no idea where you are at with this.

On the other hand, I completely understand the madness limerence brings. What I'd like all SOs to understand is that the limerent self (LS) is PAINED by it. Limerence isn't a cop out for being all loved up, in fact, it's usually the opposite! Otherwise we wouldn't be here, we'd be off enjoying our lives and LOs.

But, none of this is about you Acyice, im talking in general.

Welcome to the forum!

No it hasn’t put me off, don’t worry. I don’t have a sexual preference and am comfortable with this. For me it’s always been about the person’s mind more than anything.

Why would you say that a LO relationship causes more pain than the love? Even if the love is reciprocated? (Obviously not on the same level.) Would you care to elaborate? I’d love to try and understand further.

[L-F]

How about a situation where there is also genuine love for the LO and it is reciprocated?

There is NO genuine love for the LO otherwise they wouldn't be a limerent OBJECT (in caps to highlight they are 'objects' we project our insecurities, vulnerabilities, and desires upon) regardless if genuine love is reciprocated or even if they are limerent themselves.

Limerence is an OBSESSION, not a crush or warm fuzzies. It's the mother of all distractions - a major mind F.

Can I ask if you were ever limerent for your current partner? Most people were not limerent for their SO, and those who married their LO, that I've heard about, are divorced. PeterRabbit, a member on here, is one example where he married 4 or 5 LOs.

Let me ask you a question, what brings you here? Joy? Or pain & confusion?

Btw, sorry to hear you self-harm. There's no judgment here. Some strong opinions on the topic of limerence, but zero judgment. This is your safe space so perhaps hang out here with people who understand the LP (limerence pain) if you feel compelled to harm yourself? I know JT & I will happily sit with you in that pain and respond when we can. We're both here to listen even if you're not asking questions. Another option is to join and journal your thoughts (or even in private not necessarily on the forum). Either way, we welcome you!