Extreme limerence for employee

[sufferingsoul53]

Hi all, sorry in advance for the long story here but hopefully some people can relate and it will help. I have been working at my new job for 6 months now. I became limerent for a married woman after around a month of being here. It was strange because at the beginning I wasn’t too limerent for her, but after spending lots of time with her it was when she was going away for a week then the limerence really kicked in and has got worse over time.
The worst part is that I’m a hotel manager and she’s one of my heads of department so we work closely together a lot so it’s very hard to go NC. She has been married for 4 years with a 3 year old child so I’m sure nothing will ever go anywhere but a lot of the time i think she’s interested then other times not… seems hot and cold at times…
It all started with us having meetings and chats together, mostly work related every week for an hour or 2. I developed feelings then at the end of the chats she was starting to ask about my love life so the chats became more personal. I also have a SO and have been together for 4 years and she’s incredible and I wouldn’t want to lose her but can’t seem to shake off the feelings for my LO.
For some reason I started telling my LO that myself and my SO were having issues… (no idea why I did, maybe I thought it would make her more interested). But after that she has been asking lots more, maybe just as a friend but i sometimes see it as more…
I managed to shake off the LO 6 weeks ago and focus on my SO but that lasted just a week and it was back with a vengeance. There had been a rumour shortly after this that we were sleeping together (we weren’t obviously) but she mentioned it to me and somebody told her they’d dreamt we were together too and I told her I’d had the same dream… I was regretting saying that to her then a few hours later she came into my office all smilie about it…
The limerent feelings became a lot stronger when my SO was coming for dinner at the hotel and I told my LO about this and she was texting me relentlessly that evening about the ‘affair’ and we should just ignore everybody and not change who we are because of rumours, she was texting all night creating conversation which seemed a coincidence that it was the first time my girlfriend ever came to the hotel.
The texting has continued and longer and longer texts each day. We spent Xmas Eve together working and she worked over time (11 hour shift) and we listened to the Xmas carols together and still she felt the need to start up the text conversation that evening and Christmas Day when I thought she’d be busy with her family. Texts continued and i randomly met her parents at the hotel who were saying good things about me apparently, I asked what they said and she said they mentioned to her husband about me.. I am not sure if she has narcissist tendencies as she does like attention and there’s a lesbian at work I’m sure who is even more limerent than me for her and follows her everywhere.
Fast forward to this week and still texting personal things daily, it was the work Xmas party. She booked a room for us next to each other and nobody either side so I got questioned about the affair again and that she was planning something.
I tried my best not to chat to her at the Xmas party and was doing so well and leaving her lesbian LO to follow her all night… I was trying to limit drinks and have a good night but was always watching how beautiful she was in the corner of my eye.
We ended up having an after party in somebodies room and nothing happened there but everybody went to bed and I ended up getting very drunk and opening up my feelings for her saying how incredible she is… I know this goes against everything and advice people say and she kept telling me it was drink talking… I was asking her if she felt the same connection/chemistry and she kept saying ‘no comment’ then eventually I asked if she’s happy in her marriage and she said yes she is.
I was gutted and I said he’s a very lucky man and I hope he appreciated you.
I woke up feeling dreadful, worrying who she would tell, if lose my job, couldn’t believe I’d been rejected, luckily I didn’t try and make a move on her.
I saw her briefly the next morning and texted her in the evening saying I was very hungover. The next day she says I was very funny and she keeps fishing to ask what I remember and I’ve said some good and some bad and she keeps asking which are good and which are bad which is confusing me even more.
Finally today in my office another 2 hour meeting and I ended up apologising and she was saying why, no need to apologize. I said because you’re married and I shouldn’t have been saying those things to you. She was laughing and saying it’s fine and kept fishing to see what else I remembered, almost like she was enjoying it. I’m so confused right now as I love my girlfriend so much but the feelings and thoughts for this LO are like nothing I’ve ever experienced. We literally laugh non stop all the time and I feel like it’s the most chemistry/connection anybody could ever experience but feel at times I’m maybe just feeding somebodies attention. She also did tell me her marriage has been having a rough patch the past year and she is constantly asking about my love life and if I’m going to take my girlfriend on holiday with me. I’ve just no idea what to do or how to shake this girl off even if I want to. Any advice would be amazing.

[Daydreaming]

As someone who is also going through an intense Limerencia episode by a co-worker, I know how hard is having to keep interacting and meeting with LO every day.
Unfortunately, NC is not a viable option at work, which makes it even more difficult to reduce feelings of limerence.

You're also dealing with one of Limerencia's biggest triggers, which is the uncertainty caused by the LO when she refused to give you a definitive answer as to whether or not she had the same feelings for you. By leaving this question open, your feelings for LO ended up being fueled even more by the mere possibility that she also feels something more for you.

In any case, the general recommendation is that you don't interpret an absence of a definitive answer as a sign of reciprocity, because it's very common for people to want to have someone depending on them emotionally, even if unavailable.

Another important point is that the experience with LO while you were under the influence of alcohol left you in a very intense high state, and this propagated over the following days, which is very common during episodes of limerence. I recently went through a similar situation with LO involving socializing and drinking alcohol, and to this day I consider that this moment to be a great turning point to feed my feelings for her. Alcohol makes people do and say things they wouldn't say in a normal state, so being in the same environment as LO while drunk can trigger very complicated situations to deal with later.

Although it is very difficult and the path very painful, I hope that you will be able to find purpose and reasons not to get carried away by Limerencia's feelings.

Acknowledging that these feelings are not normal is an important step that allows you to deal differently with these situations involving LO.

[JupiterTaco]

Well it sounds like you can't change the past but going forward you can have workable boundaries at work that allow you to be friendly without going over the line and just start to use that as your sense of stability while going through this. It'll probably be hard when I did a similar thing with my fifth Lo it was like he just increased 500% without actually doing anything but it was just so weird. Nevertheless a soft no is still no and it sucks. Just focus on work do whatever you've got to do to keep yourself from getting tangled up in her cuz it seems she has boundary issues at the least. And hopefully everything else will heal in time.

[L-F]

It can be challenging to differentiate between normal attention-seeking behavior and severe narcissism, which falls under the PD health umbrella. Almost everyone enjoys receiving attention, but very few individuals intentionally seek to damage the projected image, unless it is based on false rumors. I do not believe that this behavior is necessarily narcissistic. Instead, it provides a boost to the ego, which is a natural human desire.

As JT has pointed out, her behavior may not be an attempt to lead you on, but rather a preference for flexible boundaries. It's possible that she enjoys texting many people frequently, or that she's neurodivergent. These are just possibilities, but what's important is how you choose to react to her communication style.

In this situation, it's important to remain focused on your own professional boundaries and priorities. Consider this an opportunity to strengthen your mental fortitude, and enhance your soft skills. By doing so, you'll be better equipped to handle pressure and remain composed under any circumstance. Think of this as a chance to grow and improve, and to position yourself for potential promotions or headhunting. In the end, you'll emerge with increased grit, focus, and a strong ability to manage your boundaries effectively.

[L-F]

But yeah, I get it. It's difficult. Not insurmountable, but difficult.

[sufferingsoul53]

Thank you for all of your responses… this is leading to a whole world wind of emotions as I’m losing sleep over it so not thinking clearly (literally waking up at 3am) planning my next msg to her… as our msgs are getting bigger and bigger and now she’s told me she had a dream about us being together… I feel guilty for my SO but and told myself to focus on her when I saw the LO today the feeling was crazy again like a drug… tomorrow is the last day I will see my LO as she’s off work for a week and the following 2 weeks I am off on holiday with my girlfriend but I have massive emotions about it all…. I have told my LO my girlfriend is coming with me and she keeps asking ‘is it make or break’ I feel so bad that I’ve lied to her about having problems with my girlfriend and it’s all in text message too so that brings out another anxiety if my girlfriend found out she’d be distraught and she doesn’t deserve that.
Sorry to ramble on I’m just very confused now

[vesseloflight]

I feel so bad that I’ve lied to her about having problems with my girlfriend and it’s all in text message too so that brings out another anxiety if my girlfriend found out she’d be distraught and she doesn’t deserve that.

Sorry to read this story, Sufferingsoul53.

Sometimes guilty feelings have a purpose to snap us out of this behavior when we are not available for a romantic partner. That LO sounds similar to mine. The hot/cold and the boundary crossing behavior are NOT worth being 'friendly' if we value our selves. If your girlfriend is into an open relationship and your LO is divorced, then go ahead with this intense romance/or extreme flirting. I doubt that you would be on here, like me, if that were the case. HAHAHA
Sending you a hug that you get through this. Have you tried a sobriety app to track your progress? I am doing better now that I can admit I have developed a dependence on an individual that is not me.

[sufferingsoul53]

Thanks again for all of your responses… since saying bye to her for 3 and a half weeks it’s been awful… she has been texting me more, I didn’t get chance to respond to her 20 paragraph text and she’d already messaged yesterday morning saying ‘have a great day’ this might just be friendly talk etc but she literally has like 3 hours with her husband each night and spends an hour texting me sk j have no idea what’s going on… the texts are getting longer and our chat in my office got longer too. She really doesn’t open up about anything at all and is very difficult to get any information out of (I don’t push it because of my job) but still makes it difficult… no idea what to do as I feel so depressed now not knowing if she wants me, her husband, or if she’s just using me for attention but then she’s messaging all the time asking about my love life and still talking about if I remember blurting my feelings out to her in her room which she finds 'funny'

[L-F]

no idea what to do as I feel so depressed now not knowing if she wants me, her husband, or if she’s just using me for attention

It's not a matter of whether she needs your attention or not, but whether you're willing to give it. Do you feel like you need to give her attention?

While limerence can be a powerful force, you've already made it clear that you don't want to be in this situation. So, why are you still entertaining these texts? It's important to maintain professional boundaries, and I'm curious to know what's holding you back.

[L-F]

Or... You could keep texting and end up in an affair.
My guess it you'll end up jobless and without a partner. No wife will jump ship that easily and employers are likely to put a big X by your name if you (and her) bring drama into the workplace.

The choice is yours lol